Saturday, September 11, 2010

Saturday, Sept. 11, 2010

This is a hard day for me. I am struggling. It's funny, I feel like i have been doing pretty well. This week has been hard. Seems Hannah is trying to spread her wings a little bit.

I had some papers that I needed her to sign the other I went to the school, only to find out that she hadn't even been was 8:30. I called her and she had just drove into the parking lot. After talking to her I found out that this had not been the first time.

I didn't feel like i could handle it knowing Rocky would help I had her go to the office with me and we talked with Rocky about it. Rocky was wonderful. But when I went to hug her she would let me and then within minutes i got a text from her that said, "I hate you. You are ruining my life." It broke my heart.

Then, found out Isaac isn't doing well in Algebra. He fought me about going to tutoring even though the teacher said he needed to go. So, i talked to her and Coach Brown and they fully supported and helped me. Coach Brown talked to Isaac and I haven't had any trouble getting him to go to tutoring since,.

Hannah still won't talk to hurts. I know what i did was right.....but i have to always be the bad guy.

Rachel is sick. I had to leave her home alone on Friday. I hated it. I am her mother...i should have been there for her.

Right now...i feel a little overwhelmed...a little useless as a mom. I shared with a friend at work that i feel like I am always trying to please the everything. I finally felt like i could go out with friends and enjoy the evening. But Matthew informed me that I need to be home. That I should not go out with them.

So, I don't feel like i can really go out because he gets angry when i do. Though, i am unhappy when i am home...because is always about pleasing them.

I don't know...maybe its true. But i feel like a deserve a life also. I just can't please them though. That is the whole point. It seems like one of the kids are mad at me all the time. I am under constant pressure for peace between someone.

Then, today has reminded me again and again that my birthday is coming up. I don't want to celebrate without John. It is just not going to be fun...i don't even want it to come.

Just pray for us. Pray that I can somehow compromise with the kids so that there will be peace. That God will give me wisdom.

Just pray for us.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Sept. 7, 2010..Tuesday

To my faithful followers,...i am sorry that i have not been faithful in blogging. Since school has started I feel like i barely have time to breathe. God has been faithful to help me though.

Matthew started back to SNU and seems to be enjoying it much more than last semester. I am grateful for that. He deserves a good year. He seems to have made great friends with the golf team and i really am happy for that. Had his first tournament today....he said he did awful. But for others it would be awesome. He is a lot like John....he is hard on himself.

Hannah is still the bubbling girl she has always been. She is a senior this year...I heard somebody once say...when you have a senior just start unloading that, there is money going everywhere. We did have her sr pics taken....they were adorable. It is going to be hard to choose from. But then!! She is having the time of her life, during this last year of high school. I know that graduation is going to be hard for me..but i think, though it will be happy for her...i think she will be very sad that daddy could not be there with her. But, i will not borrow trouble from tomorrow.....

Isaac is doing okay. He just struggles so much in school. He refuses to admit it which makes it hard for anyone to help him. His hardest subject is Algebra, and Mrs. Cagle is trying her best. He is still very argumentative...everyone keeps telling me that it is his anger.....I just need him to be more agreeable.

Rachel is my happy baby. She makes life happier for me. She is doing well is school. She has been involved in softball and that keeps us hopping. She has a fun time with her friends and that helps get her through many days.

None of them have been to the cemetary. That hurts me so much. But, i don't mention it, they say they will do it in their time.

I am getting out more. A co-teacher and i are starting to do things together. It is nice to get out and about again. It took a little bit, i felt guilty. But that has now passed and i enjoy getting out. Matthew was angry at first. He didn't want me going out. Didn't understand why i wanted to. I told him that,as golf was his outlet, my friend is mine,. He seemed to really back down with understanding.

I am doing alright. Really doing well i think. I still have my days...both good and bad. But God has been very faithful to me.

My prayer requests are for the kids. Heal their hurts, their pain. Help them in school....with their work and make wise decisions.

Help me to make wise decisions...concerning the kids, financing, and other decisons i have to make everyday.

Thanks for your prayers,