Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Tuesday, Aug 17 2010

Debbie, there is a reason God put me on your heart...more than you know.....

I am in turmoil... I have kept things in my heart until I am to burst. I wanted everyone to think that all was well. I don't know why...I am not proud. I have nothing to be proud of. Guess with all the help we recieved I didn't want to ask for anything else. But it has come to the point where I am going to beg for prayers...

I feel like my family is falling apart. I don't know the anger from John's death is finally hitting the boys or what it is. But this morning, as I prayed I didn't even know what to say to God, I didn't know how to pray. I just cried "MERCY".

Matthew seems to have such hatred for me. Such disrespect. It has come to the point that I am afraid of him. He isn't always that way...sometimes he can be so loving. Then the next minute so angry. He recently did something totally against my instructions not too. Actually bringing danger into our home. So, we had an all out argument. He said such hurtful and hateful things to me.

God answered prayer and the event ended. It was taken from my home. But he still is angry...so angry.

I don't tell you these things to hate Matthew...but I need help with him. Prayer...is the answer and I am crying out to you...revealing a weakness......just asking for prayer.

Then Isaac. I really can't get him to do anything I ask. No respect.. just angry outbursts like Matthew. Laughing at me when I ask him to do something...then totally disregarding me.

Again..I need help. Neither will go to counseling..that option isn't on the table.

So...I beg, I cry for your help. I am opening up....I know of know where else to go. I felt the Lord lead me here this morning....someone help me........just pray.

I just feel that I have no control of my home. I can't ask anything of the boys. They offer no help. It seems that they live in their own world...and the girls and I in ours. No respect.

The girls seem to be doing fine. They are respectful and sweet. In fact, the other night I went out with some friends and Hannah text me and said, "Mommy, have a good time. You deserve it." I cried. She understands me.

It is the boys. I don't know what to do. ...but to ask for prayer...the more prayers...."where two or more are gathered...." I rest on his promises. But how I need your prayers.

I start school today (teachers report), so pray for me...it is hard.

Went to Rachel's first softball game last night...that too was hard. I kept seeing the girls John coached last year and heard his words about each one. How he loved her. How she did this that made him laugh. Each one held a certain place in his heart..and I remembered how each had something that he considered dear to him. He had a name for each one...a pet name. I had to giggle to myself. But, I missed him.

I am falling...into despair. Pray for me.

I only hope as you read this...you don't think of me as a failure, or that my kids are horrible. They just need help.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

Sunday August 15, 2010

Well school is upon us. I am not doing well with it. I feel so totally overwhelmed. I never realized how much help John was in preparing the kids for school. We would always start getting them into bed at school days bedtime a week before school. I have done horrible. It just seems at 10:00 at night...which is when they SHOULD be in bed...I am busy doing laundry....etc...so that I forget to send them there. You don't think they would do it themselves do you?

I had a rough day today. Church was awesome...and when my heart was ready to burst in worship of our Lord, Sunday School was there. It was a great morning in His house. But in my house in was a different story. I feel like I am losing authority in my home. Honestly, are there days when you just feel like no one will listen to you. That is how I feel tonight as I am blogging this.

It just feels like everything is against me. I wish I could wish him back.

Isaac and I rode in the Children's Center Bike Ride yesterday. We rode the 52. It was very hot. But as I was getting ready here at home, all I could think of was John....getting ready with him. Then as I rode, mainly by myself..cuz Isaac can really ride, I had a lot of time to think. It seemed like there were markers in the road where I would remember certain things happening last year as John and I rode. That was the last ride he and I rode in. The last. I really missed him. When I thought I couldn't do it...I would think how he would encourage me on...even if it meant coming up behind me, grabbing my seat and giving me a little shove.

That is what I feel like I need right now...a little shove from him. Because right now, I am overwhelmed. I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to go to work right now. I just want to go and be away from this busyness, this stress, this anger that I feel in my home....the responsibilities, dealing with the finances (David is slowly going to teach me how he is doing it for me).. and I know I have to...but I don't want to. I can't do all that. This is all too much for one person.

Someone asked me the other day...it is different being a single parent isn't it? OH!!! If they only knew...it is you that carry the burden of the children, it is you that hands out the discipline....you can't hand it to someone because you are tired, or are carrying your own burden, it is you that is the bad person most of the time, it is you, you, you. I don't want to be the YOU anymore. Not for right now. I will come back. But I need help.

Pray for me. My help comes from the Lord. Pray for my kids. Pray for Matthew and Isaac. Just pray. I am overwhelmed.

Love, Saundra

Monday, August 9, 2010

Monday, August 9, 2010

Wow....never thought it would be this hard. I just dropped Rachel off at Middle School softball practice. I was hit broadside by the thought that this was suppose to be John taking her.....he was to be her coach....he was suppose to be there with her!!!!!

Then, on the way to the field she said, "I wish daddy were going to be there." My heart literally broke in two. I almost threw up with what I felt in my stomach, in my heart....for her....for me....for us. I couldn't even bring myself to say anything. We were just quiet the rest of the way.

We got out together and walked in silence to the field. I talked a little bit to coach Beck, and the to Coach Schwartz I told her that we were having a hard time with it. Rachel kept coming up and hugging me. I didn't want to leave her....I didn't want to stay...it just hurt too much.

Oh God...why? Why?

I got in the car....the song that we sang while John was in the hospital........"in the calm and in the storm....He will never leave me"...this is the storm.....this is the storm. He won't leave me. As I walked in the door of the house, the song,"That's what faith will do" was on....I know God was trying to encourage me ....but right now...I am so distraught......so torn.......

It all made me realize how hard this school year would really be ...how much I really, really don't want to face it. I just don't want it to come. I don't think I can bare it. I can't stand to see the kids hurt anymore.....I thought we were done with this much hurt, this much pain.....

How much more God?


Sunday, August 8, 2010

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Well, Chris (my sister) and her son Jeffrey are gone. It was great to have them here. We did go to white water one day and then one evening we went to Frontier City. But otherwise we spent a lot of time sitting in the living room and talking, reading and sharing. It was a great time. I shared feelings with her that I hadn't been able to share with anyone. But the time was right for me to get things off my chest I guess. It was a God Blessed time for sure.

But, it was hard to see her go because it was so nice to have an "adult" around. Someone that was there to share things with. Now, I am alone again. It was nice to have someone tell me that the way I was disciplining my kids was OK. That I am a good mom. The choices I am making for my family are okay.

I can't remember if I had told you that I have decided to make my home a haven for our family. That I told the kids that we are going to make some changes in our home. I have been afraid to "rock the boat" or to hurt any of the kids so I have allowed them to listen to and watch things that they should not have. Well change is coming.

I have put parental blocks on the tv as well as not let them go to see some movies that I don't think are good for them. They have all done fairly well with the changes. Isaac is the only one. I think he has kind of closed himself up in his room this summer playing games and watching t.v. Now, that I have stopped that he doesn't know what to do. Pray for him.

I am dreading school. With school comes that feeling I had all last semester....sadness and dread. Kind of like when you hate something...do it....get over it...then have to do it again? Just that same feeling of dread.. On top of that...my birthday...no...I don't even want to have it. I don't want to celebrate. There is nothing I want to do...or think about for my birthday. I can't imagine celebrating without John. So, I just won't.

Then right around the corner....the anniversary of his death, thanksgiving/Christmas with out him. I hate the thought of the next 3 or 4 months. I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out for those months. I don't want to face them. I don't think I can handle that hurt again. all over again.

Pray for us. School is going to be hard....with all the feelings we had the last we were there. School supplies are even hard to get. I can't even imagine going to get clothes. Already told the kids that the supplies are necessary....but we will not get clothes. I just can't do it. John was so involved in that stuff....he made going back to school fun........

Pray for us...pray for peace.