Well school is upon us. I am not doing well with it. I feel so totally overwhelmed. I never realized how much help John was in preparing the kids for school. We would always start getting them into bed at school days bedtime a week before school. I have done horrible. It just seems at 10:00 at night...which is when they SHOULD be in bed...I am busy doing laundry....etc...so that I forget to send them there. You don't think they would do it themselves do you?
I had a rough day today. Church was awesome...and when my heart was ready to burst in worship of our Lord, Sunday School was there. It was a great morning in His house. But in my house in was a different story. I feel like I am losing authority in my home. Honestly, are there days when you just feel like no one will listen to you. That is how I feel tonight as I am blogging this.
It just feels like everything is against me. I wish I could wish him back.
Isaac and I rode in the Children's Center Bike Ride yesterday. We rode the 52. It was very hot. But as I was getting ready here at home, all I could think of was John....getting ready with him. Then as I rode, mainly by myself..cuz Isaac can really ride, I had a lot of time to think. It seemed like there were markers in the road where I would remember certain things happening last year as John and I rode. That was the last ride he and I rode in. The last. I really missed him. When I thought I couldn't do it...I would think how he would encourage me on...even if it meant coming up behind me, grabbing my seat and giving me a little shove.
That is what I feel like I need right now...a little shove from him. Because right now, I am overwhelmed. I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to go to work right now. I just want to go and be away from this busyness, this stress, this anger that I feel in my home....the responsibilities, dealing with the finances (David is slowly going to teach me how he is doing it for me).. and I know I have to...but I don't want to. I can't do all that. This is all too much for one person.
Someone asked me the other day...it is different being a single parent isn't it? OH!!! If they only knew...it is you that carry the burden of the children, it is you that hands out the discipline....you can't hand it to someone because you are tired, or are carrying your own burden, it is you that is the bad person most of the time, it is you, you, you. I don't want to be the YOU anymore. Not for right now. I will come back. But I need help.
Pray for me. My help comes from the Lord. Pray for my kids. Pray for Matthew and Isaac. Just pray. I am overwhelmed.