Monday December 27, 2010

Well we made it. I felt like if we could make it through Christmas we were good.

Christmas shopping was very hard for me. Doing it alone just added to my pain. I feel like i did a terrible job shopping because I felt like I was just a zombie in the stores. Not knowing what I was buying, for whom I was buying etc....there were no lists, no rhyme or reason to my shopping. Sure enough I did get enough and left Rach out a gift. She understood. But I still felt badly about it.

The Christmas Eve service was nothing less than torture for me. As we sang songs all i could do was hear Johns voice beside me. He loved to sing the songs...carols...and you all know what a beautiful voice he had. That beautiful mellow base. I longed to hear it. Christmas was HIS time...he loved the season.

Matthew was so ultra sensitive to me. Thank God that he does have a tender heart. He would just hug me...or come look for me when I would come up missing. I am sure he was afraid I was off crying some where. He put together the "santa" gifts for me...something John would do while i filled the stockings. I know, I know it was hard on him. I know he felt like he was filling big shoes...but he was such a "grown" up doing the things he did...eating santa's cookies for Rach, putting things out for santa....i am so proud of him.

Christmas morning was hard.. John always played Santa....again Matthew stepped up. Handing gifts out. We had a good morning but there was a quietness in the air.....not mentioned...but we all knew the what the other was feeling and thinking.

I really, really appreciate all the encouragement I have received from you on here. I sometimes just get on to read the last 5 or 6 comments just know I am alright.

Pray for Hannah. The meds that she is taking is causing her not to eat. So I am taking them away until we see the psych dr. next week. As you know she can't afford to lose weight although she thinks she needs to . Also, I know it is instigated from a friend, but she is getting a tattoo. It breaks my heart more than she could ever know. I don't think she is old enough to make that decision yet. But she wanted to put Johns fav scripture on her wrist. I did put my foot down and tell her no to that. But being 18 she can do what she wants. I felt it best to compromise with her. So i guess it will go on her shoulder. I just wish she would wait a few years and get some maturity behind her to be sure that this is really what she wants. I know she is hurting badly this season. She is the only one of the kids that mentioned john on her facebook....that she misses him. She is sad I can tell. Then in church yesterday morning at the end of the service Pastor had whoever wanted to come to the platform to sing the Hallelujah course. I put my hand on Hannah's leg because we both were thinking the same thing....daddy and she would go forward and sing it every year. She sat quietly and I noticed did not sing. Afterward she said, "Do you remember daddy and I would go up and sing with them every year?" I told her that i did, and i missed it too. Pray for my Hannah.

Rach and Isaac seem to be doing very well. Enjoying their gifts. I don't know what they are thinking....wish i did. Keep them in your prayers.

I don't know what this year holds. I am sure there are changes coming...Hannah going to College, my kids getting older.....what does God have in store this year. I am afraid, curious, scared, anxious, excited all at once....probably more scared than anything......

But this I know..i am where god wants me, i am in his care....we are loved by him..

Saundra

Tues Dec 21

Well Christmas bears down on us.

We are doing okay. Told my mom the other day I think we are "let's just get it over with mode". Kind of numb now.

We are all doing okay. I finally went out yesterday and shopped a little. I was at the mall and kind of had to giggle to myself...I thought,"Saundra, you have no idea what you have bought." It is true. I don't know what I have for whom. I just try to get something for everyone. I thought how things have so changed....i used to enjoy shopping at christmas.

I loved Pastors message Sunday morning. How I could relate to being in exile, and in the wilderness. Never looked at it like he pointed out. But the message really spoke to me.

I really appreciate the suppose I have recieved from my readers. I have really been hurt recently by comments on here and out and about that i need to move on. My favorite is that I choose to be this way. Wow. You know I have really progressed when you look at where I have come. The fact that I have a bad day,week, or month does not mean I am choosing to not go on...does not mean I am wallowing....it means I am having a bad day, week or month. Just like everyone else. BUT, the difference is that I am grieving...and it is harder to come back. And in fact, my doctor told me that it is harder and takes longer for loved ones who have lost someone to an accident, to get through the grieving process. Not to mention that everyone moves at their own speed.

Anyway..when I read the positive comments it really encouraged me. Thank you for reading, commenting and above all else..for praying...it is working....we, I am doing better.

Saundra

Wed Dec 8, 2010

Thank you to each of you that has commented. I am glad that you could work thru your grief so well. But each has to wear their own shoes....each experiences differently and each grieves differently.....

The kids had their group grief counseling last night. I didn't go as that was what we had discussed as a family...and I had talked to the counselor and she felt the same way. Matthew is being so strong, such a man.....I talked with him before hand and told him that he would probably have to do a lot of talking to get the other kids talking...he said he had already thought of that. When he got there he text me and said, "Don't worry mama, I will take care of the kids....you have fun." I was at the staff christmas party. I felt guilt and was so proud at the same time. It was his birthday and there he was taking his bro and sisters to a grief counseling appt. It just didn't seem fair to me.

When they got home I asked him how it went...he said fine. I asked if the kids talked and he said they had. I didn't want to push. I think he wants this to be just for them. I have to accept it and step back. As hard as it is because you all know how I am a hands on mom.

We are all doing better. It is hard...but we have been spending more time together.

We did get our tree decorated. That was a comedy of errors. But after a week it is up...hannah posted a pic on her facebook. It made me glad to see that she did that...she was the one that told me she didn't want to get one...."don't waste the money" were her words.

Pray for the counselor to have wisdom....and the kids to be open. Pray for us to be happy and have a peace around us this month.
Saundra

Saturday, Dec 4 2010

Are you just sick and tired of me pulling you down...sick of hearing my woes? I am too...yet this is my life right now. I want it to turn around...it just won't. If I am standing in the way of that, then pray that the Lord help me.

Last night was probably the lonliest night ihave had in a long time. Rach and her party at church, Hannah her blessed friends (who I may say are stepping up...and I love them) and Matthew, Mark took Isaac to eat then they were in their room playing games.

Me...i sat in my recliner, then went to bed around 8. I am lucky I had medicine to take or it would and could have been worse. But I just put myself to sleep. I am tired of being lonely.

Sometimes I get mad at some of the ones that talk about all the fun things they did....where they went, ......and it makes me angry that they have some a fun life....carefree.....happy.....i had it once.....

I cried in the shower this morning...i want John. He completed my life. He was there for me. I didn't have to deal with all the things I am dealing with now. Bless his heart....i didn't know he dealt with so much...it makes me love and appreciate him all the more.

Got a little further on the tree last night....got more lights on....threw a bunch of ornamaments away that I just could not put up or look at. Course the kids weren't here so they don't know. The kids haven't put their ornaments up....they may not...whatever gets them through.

Just pray...

Saundra

Friday Dec 3, 2010

Your comments moved me this morning. The prayers and support are what i needed to see this morning. I cried through my shower....i just needed to read those.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. Just like i did the laswt time. It won't go away; I think it is just my nerves...worry...concerns..you know.

I was reading facebook this morning and someone said it was someting like 2 weeks before christmas break and I actually got sick to the point of throwing up. I just dread it.

Friends, there is no life in this house. And I wish I had some life to put it in, to make it, but I can't even put life in it. It is no wonder the kids want to go places all the time.....

Pray that my stomach will allow me to eat. Hannah isnt eating well and she saw me not eating. She told me I needed to eat. I said if you eat I will eat. Neither of us ate. It feels like my stomach is tied into knots all the time. My mind is constantly racing.

Well....time to put on the mask and go to work.

Pray for us. Anything you know to pray about...pray.

Saundra

December 2, 2010 Thursday

The tree is up..still no decorations....nothing.....

Pray for hannah, her 2nd counseling appt is tonight.

I keep a mask on all the time now....i don't think anyone knows the pain......how the smile is only a turning up of my lips...nothing deeper

how i hold the tears in so know one really knows....not even the kids...not even those who think they know me

appointments, doctors, counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, ballgames, work, prescriptions, finances, friends, kids, housework, laundry, they all call for me...and i can no longer do it....

I feel myself crumbling,,,,,and i don't think anyone knows how bad.....only the responsiblitlity to my kids keep me alive

pray

December 1, 2010 Wednesday

Well, as i typed in the date i thought "Oh just a little longer".

Hannah appt yesterday went great. I did get to sit in at the beginning and share some of my thoughts. It was good to hear Hannah say that she didn't want to hurt herself...she just wanted to cover her thoughts. She has been hurting for a long time. I feel like I should have known, guess I was wrapped up with my own pain to notice.

She really liked him as did i so I feel hopeful. She was called into the coaches office, she and I, and has been suspended for the first two games. I am in complete agreement with Coach and I think Hannah took it well. She also apologized to the girls after practice yesterday. The coach only suggested it but told her it was up to her...i was surprised she did it.

The psych asked me yesterday what i was hoping to gain from her seeing him and I said, "I just want my Hannah back." He asked her and she said, "I want to be happy again." Oh Lord hear that prayer,

I barely got back from the meeting with she and coach and I got a call from coach that she had hit her head against the wall in practice and had the signs of concussion and needed to be taken to emergency room immediately.

I almost passed out...I didn't know if i could do anything else. But I guess "MOM" cliicked in and I picked her up and we went. She seemed fine when I picked her up and even better the longer we sat in the waiting room. I called Joe the trainer and told him Marilyn was coming out, that Hannah did not have insurance (she is 18 now) and she was acting fine. He agreed that if Marilyn checked her out and felt she was fine she could go home.

Marilyn did and thought she was fine. She even went back to practice. That the Lord. I don't know if I could handle anything more!

I still feel overwhelmed...a bunch...i feel like I am auto pilot everyday. I can't remember anything half the time. It just keeps coming.

We put our tree up last night. Took us a while. Matthew and his friend Tim were trying their hardest and we just couldn't get it up. I called Jay and after a while we got it up. We didn't get it decorated. It was too late. I don't really feel like it. Hannah said she didn't. Matthew doesn't care. It is just too much. So, I told the kids I would put the lights on and then (they each have a box of ornamanets collected for THEM over the years) when each one has time to decorate with their ornaments they can. I just can't set a time aside...it is too thoughtful...i don't want to think about it. So once I get the lights on....they can do it as they please. I don't want it in here anyway....

It is so dark in our house...no life really. I felt terrible for someone to see this...but Jeff and Sallye came over yesterday after their work. The lights were off, Matthew on one couch, Isaac on the other, me in recliner and the girls....I don't know. But that was the way it was. I guess that is how we all feel right now. Dark. Black. No life.

Pray for us. I told you I can't...my mind is so boggled that I can't even focus on what to pray for.....

Saundra

Monday, November 29, 2010

I asked the kids to go to church as a whole family yesterday. It felt so good. I felt somewhat complete. I know it won't last. They will each want to go to a different service, sit with friends....etc.....but it felt so good....to me.....to have them there beside me.

I find myself wanting to be with them all the time. I know that is okay. But they aren't exactly into that. Each wanting to do their own thing.

Pastor Chris was in our ss class yesterday. I just couldn't get past how hurting Hannah is. I could hardly listen to what was being said. You know how it is....your child hurts....you hurt even worse. That is where I am now. Except it seems so much worse because I hurt for each of my kids.

Rach so precious came in the other night and gave me $3 of what was left of her allowance and said she wanted to help pay for presents for the other kids. She is hurting so badly now. She used to be so bubbly....and I think this thing with Hannah, and yes....even the sadness and tears I have cried, have finally got to her. She is sleeping with me, and last night, as it was just she and I here, she came and sat on my lap for a long time. She wants to hug all the time...and just hold on. She went to ss class with me, which surprised me because she loves her ss class and friends. But I know she is so lost right now.

Hannah has her counseling appt tomorrow night, and that Wed morning she has her psych appt. I will make an appt for the 4 kids together to meet with a grief counselor as soon as possible. Then I have to make mine....and I dread it....i know it is going to be heart wrenching. I am even considering putting off mine until after christmas....i feel like i am overwhelmed as it is trying to get the kids to their appts, basketball games and other things that I can't add another thing to my schedule.

Not looking forward to going to school today. I have so many there that I know love me and pray for me. That even when I look into their eyes I know they love me and I just want to fall into their arms and say "Help". I just want to fall apart. Just because I know they care.....just because I need that hug......So I know that today and possibly the weeks to come before christmas....i will be holding tears in all day at school....that is so hard. AND I want to be happy in front of the students.....there is just so much to hold onto.....and I have to hold it all in......

Pray for the kids. Pray that the grief counselors, the psych dr for hannah, that they all have wisdom into the kids hearts and minds. That they have the words to help them....to help them into the future and out of the past.

Be with me........pray for God to be with me. I can't pray, I can't read his word....I just can't. I feel lost, disoriented, and just at a loss.

Thanks for your prayers and love,
Saundra
And thanks for letting me rattle on and on....it really helps

Saturday November 27, 2010

Its one of those days. I want to stay in bed with the blankets over my head....if is stay in bed I just lay and worry and and think sad thoughts....so i HAVE to get up and do something so my mind is not idle.

Thanksgiving was uneventful. I hated it. I just wanted to get through it. I could not wait to take my meds and go to bed that night. It was over. I think the kids did okay. I know in the evening they all went out with friends. I thought that was good for them. Help them take their mind off of things.

We were suppose to go get our tree yesterday. Yeah, that didn't happen. The kids didn't even ask. I didn't ask.. We acted as if it was just any other day. I think the pain is too great for any of us to even go there. I even think if we went without a tree....no one would care....if we went without christmas...no one would care.

I went out yesterday morning (black friday). Forced myself. John had just started to go with me. We had fun times. He had the chance to go with me two times. He was so funny. But I could not have fun yesterday. I tried...I tried. But I just oculd not. It hurt so bad. I would remember the coffee stops, the laughs.....sharing in questions about gifts, what for whom, why that one...etc....it was so painful. I decided I would never do it again. It was just too painful. I laughed as i got in the car to leave target and I thought how appropriate the name for the day...BLACK FRIDAY. It will always be that.......

Matthew is being so brave. I know he is hurting. But he is really stepping up. He told me he wanted to talk to me so I went to his room. He so sweetly told me he was worried about finances. I told him God would take care of us. He said he just didn't want me to worry about anything else. He has taken the kids places for me...without complaining...and is being so helpful around the house. I just want to be so careful that he does not lost this time in his life to helping me.

Hannahy is doing okay. I don't feel like she is my Hannah yet. But i see glimpses. I had to put some consequences and rules down for her. She accepted the.m pretty well. I still hurt for her. I see the hurt in her eyes. I just hope we can make it through the holidays. She had some friend over last night. I am hoping she will just let herself be swallowed up in their love, support and care.

Rach is hurting. She is sleeping with me. Tha is my tell tale sign. And she just seems sad, preoccupied. She doesn't even care much about having friends over. She did enjoy having hannahs friends over last night though.

Isaac just stays in his room most of the time. I feel like that has been and is escape. I don't blame him. He doesn't have responsibilites...i would not come out either if i didn't have to. I am glad he has basketball. He does enjoy that.

Well...i don' know what today holds. I am afraid to face it. More sadness..more pain i am sure.....

Pray for the kids to find some kind of REAL happiness...i for one am tired of pretending when i am out......at all. I am kind of afraid i will start looking in the wrong places for happiness.......

Pray for us.....i know that is the answer...i don't know how...but i know it is. I am with the kids...if god does things for a reason...why haven't we seen it.

Saundra

Thanksgiving 2010

It is really hard to be thankful for anything. If you look at Rachel's facebook status you can see why my heart is so heavy. All this year,,,this long, long, year I didn't know how much my kids were hurting. It took near tragedy for me to open my eyes. I feel so awful. I feel like I owe them the world.

I told the dr s the past few days...help my kids...help me...at any cost...and I sincerely mean that. IPray for the counselors...pray for the kids...pray for me.

The ss class has been so gracious to fix meals for us. It has been such a blessing. It seems that all energy has left me. I have nothing left.

I think of black friday. I had been going for years. then several years before his passing (2)...he started going with me. Imagine that! What a guy! And he didn't mind! I don't think I will ever be able to go again. It could never be the same.

I don't even know about christmas. I don't know how I can shop. My mind just turns to mush, and my eyes to lakes of water,.....

I mentioned getting a chriwtmas tree last night and hannah said she didn't even want to get one. How do I do that? Rach was there and I saw the sadness in her eyes. I don't know what to say, or what to do.

God let this time pass quickly...please.

\Today we will be with Jay and Marilyn,,,but I get sick to my stomach to think of eating....that empty seat....

Pray for Hannah....I am lucky if I can get her to eat one meal...if that is what you call it...a day. She has no desire...she wants to sleep and that is all.

Pray...pray

Saundra

November 24, 2010....Wednesday

I keep asking myself if i have to live with this ache in my heart, this sick feeling in my stomach till after christmas. I dont know how i can put on a smile and feel nothing but pain.

Took Hannah to see the counselor last night. Wonderful. As Marilyn and I sat and waiting while Hannah and she talked we just thanked the Lord for her. I feel like I have Hannah where the Lord wants her...even thougth she isn't so sure she wants to talk. So pray that she begin to have a desire to open up to this lady. She seems so sweet and so wanting to help her. Pray for wisdom for Tara (the counselor) as shehelps hannah.

Everything seems so subdued at our house. It is as if we are all waiting for the next shoe to drop. You can't know the feeling. We are all walking on pins and needles. We can't really be happy. Rach sleeps with me again. Isaac on the couch...Hannah on the couch..it is as if we don't want to go back to what was.....

Today I am calling about getting 4 kids into grief counseliing as well as making an appointment for me. I get overwhelmed when i think of keeping the appt. Hannah at her own.....the 4 kids at their own, my own grief counseling, Matthew with is psych, me and my psych, hannah with her psych, basketball games, work....family resposibilities. Do you see? Can you see...why i just want to say forget it? Pray that God puts extra time in my day. I dont' know how we will do it...pray for that...and there is even so much more involved.

This moring Rach asked when we will get our hallmark ornaments. A tradition John and I started with the kids on their first birthday.....they get to pick our a hallmark ornament. This is so hard for me. But they look forward to it. I have to say the Lord did answer prayerl.i didn't know how I was oing to do it...but i got a bonus thanksgiving check from school....there is the ornamanets. One hurdle. prayer answered....can't count how many more to go,.....but pray as we do get them today....it was such a family fun thing. I get sick to my stomach....

Pray for us , me to have strength....to go on...so smile even when i don't want to.....
Saundra

November 21, 2010...or Tuesday I think

I am tired of the rumours and the lies. I am tired of the talk that is so untrue. So I am here to set it straight. And when the truth comes out, the lies end and I pray that the prayers begin,

I wont go into detail, it isn't necessary. God is in details. It started Sunday in a lot of pain and suffering. But we found out just how much pain Hannah has been carrying this past year. She took 3 valium Friday night, and then more on saturday night and mixed it with alcohol.

She was mildly evaluated Sunday morning and I was told she needed counseling. I was given a reference and called. Last night my call was returned and it was said for us take her into the hospital because they were afraid she could be suicidal.

We did. And it seemed that the moment Hannah told the psychiatrist that she was in so much pain from her dad passing, and that she never meant to hurt herself and only cover the pain. My Hannah returned. She just needed to get it off her chest.

Still they wanted to admit her....but, because by then she and Matthew we laughing and cutting up....I could not let her stay. All the way home she kept telling me that she was glad I didn't make her stay.

I feel like I made a good decidison. She was different when she got home. It seemed a burden was lifted.

She goes into see a couhnselor today. But none of my kids have been to a grief counselor. Matthew has been the MAN in this whole situation. He is going to make sure the kids and he attend.

I am broken. I am in pain. I keep wondering when I will fall apart.....I don't know how much i can take.

I can't even pick up the bible right now...it seems that i cant focus on anything. All i can do is say a prayer now and then.

I remember a long long time ago...I just couldn't pray...i was depressed and devestated. My mom called and said that I just needed to rest....she would pray to God for me. She rememinded me of the story in the Bible where the mens friends held up his hands because he no longer had the strength...that is where I am rightnow.....I have no strength.

Please pray for us. I ask for prayer for the dr hannah sees today. For wisdom....guidance..insight. For hannah to open up. I pray for Rachel and Isaac who are standing back and it seems that their world is falling apart. For matthew as he tried to step in his dads big shoes.....strength and wisdom. And for me...just to make it. I just need to make it. And my job....i just cant do it right now...pray that they have understanding there.....i am scared abou that. And of course....the whole finance thing is now on my shoulder with dr bills, and not working....oh god....i just am bein ghonest...i have to be.....

Friends...help me.

I may start blogging more than once a day.....i just have to.

Saundra

Novemver 20, 2010

Little did i know that after I blogged yesterday that my day would literally turn into hell.

I am not going to say much. Rumors fly as they do. But take what you hear as a grain of salt...be more than welcome to ask me any quetions at all. I will be as honest as I can without hurting anyone,

But in a round about way we found out Hannah is in deeper help than I could ever imagine my children being in, But I am taking her to a pschiatrist today, We akso hacve come to the point that we all need counselling, We tried it once and it didn't go well for the kids at all, I think it is too raw,. But we are ]]\going to give it a round, I am hoping that they i will find one that the kids can attened in their own group and I will attend myselfl I know that it was too soon for them and they will not toak in front of me in fear that they will make me hurt nore, Matthew has greeed to be the leaderin PNo..
of my meds no wnd prayr g9 tiner

wew 'Pta fre=last I have your= t o taoi tl I will b heew..

I


PS...my sister alerted me to the fact that I needed to look at this post. I was embarrassed when I looked at it because I see why she laughed. I told you before that I am on xanax. Well I had taken some about 30 min before posting...guess I should not have done that. Yeah, I was out of it. So what I was saying was that I need to get back to leaning more on God than on my own strength. Sorry for the goofiness...I won't take my meds before posting again

Saundra

November 19, 2010

As i lay in bed last night I thought well we made it...but I know we were all going to bed with very heavy hearts...still missing him so much. Someone told me the other day it really never goes away. And i thought of how well hannah put it on her facebook page...a year ago a nightmare began that never ends. That is how i guess we all feel....we will never be out of this nightmare.

Today is Hannah's birthday and I don't know how to even treat her. Do I treat her with so much sympathy because my heart is breaking for her and I know she is feeling it too? Do I fake happiness when all i feel is sadness?

Isaac and Rachel and I left School early yesterday. I guess it was so exhausting for them. Just the day, feelings and emotions...not just them but myself also. I began getting texts early from them....and finally I had Matthew come and take them to lunch and then home for the day. They kept texting me, and I couldn't stand for them to all be home alone so I soon left after lunch.

Thankfully they all have such sweet and wonderful friends that occupied their evening. Rachel had her friend Bailey over...Isaac and Matthew hung out with some of Matthew's friends, and Hannah went to the game. So thank the Lord that they had onther things on their minds.

I was very blessed and happy to see all the G shirts. It touched me that he was still remembered by so many. He touched so many lives...my question still comes....why take such a great man from a world that could use him so much?

There is a young man at school. I remember John talking about him. He was special to John...because of the relationship that they had. I still see pain in his eyes when we look at each other. I don't think John, me or anyone will ever know how he touched this boys life. In fact, not too long ago he had the words Griffis ....and the dates shaved onto his head. I could not express to him what that meant to me....it was moving. But it is a testimony of what John meant to this young man, I would one day love to sit down with him and ask him what made John so special to him. Right now though, I believe this boy is still hurting.....

Pray for peace for us. Thanksgving next week.....we normally buy our tree the day after. I dread it. I woild rather go without. But my doctor said I can't...i must move on for the kids. Pray for all of us. How do you even begin to be happy?

Pray for me...wisdom, guidance, and right now......i honestly feel like i am living in another world....another place...a nightmare,....i can't explain what i feel. Just pray for all of us.

Saundra

Thursday November 18, 2010

I can't thinl...it just hurts more and more. I want to go to bed...i don't want to wake up until next year. I have said that before but have never meant it as much.

I did not sleep at all last night. Even took my meds and that did n't help. Rachel came in at one point and just lay beside me.....Lord why?

Why let us continue to hurt? Help me help them. Turn this pain and sorrow into joy...somehow....

I put on a happy face....but i am tired of that lie.

I just want to scream......

I said i would go to school tomorrow, but now I am not so sure I want to. I know everyone is wearing the G shirts so I feel like i have to. But i don't want to. I dont even know what is best anymore,

Went to see my psych yesterday. Of course he said what I am feeling is normal. He gave me help with how to face the holidays...and of course i felt like i had been through the ringer when i walked out. I had cried till i was dry.,...we had talked so much of so many things...i couldn't go back to work..i was a mess. I came home and went to bed.

I know for all of us it is like dooms day looming upon us. I just want to hide. I want to take the kids into my arms and cover us all from what lies ahead tomorrow, sat and the weeks ahead.

Pray for us....pray

Saundra

November 16, 2010

This morning my heart is breaking for Hannah. For reasons I don't know she has decided to not go to the fall ball at school. She was so excited about it.

When she came in last night there was a sadness in her eyes. Then i read her facebook post this morning and she said, "It just never goes away."

It broke my heart and brought me to tears. She said what we are all thinking and feeling this week....all year. It just never goes away. The hurt, the pain, the memories. It is always there and this week even so much more.

The memory of that dreadful sat morning ....the sight i saw when i rounded the corner...i will never forget....and oh how the kids must feel it so much more in their little hearts.

I talked to one of Isaacs teachers yesterday and his grade is plummeting. She said she is aware of what is going on...but it is so confusing on how to handle it. He has been a little more quiet too.

It is funny, I can actually see all of us deteriorating as the week goes on. Each of us is growing quieter, and i noticed the kids will just be sitting and staring off into space.

I don't know how we will make it.

Friday will be especially difficult. I am trying to find something for everyone to be doinIg with their friends...stay overs....etc......I don't want them to be sitting at home Friday evening or even sat doing nothing. I have things I can do to take my mind off....but I worry so much about them.

Course, Hannah is so on my mind. I know she is hurting....what do i do?

Please keep her in your prayers,..all of them. Even my happy little rach has a sadness in her eyes......

I never knew i would hurt this way again...i thought it was only at the beginning of this horrible journey.

Saundra

November 12, 2010

Wow...it has been a long time since I have been on here. School starting, softball games and other time consuming things kept me from sitting down and getting this done.

But, I have found that this month I need it. It was a big help as I started this journey to put down my feelings and ask for prayer. I would always go away feeling like I had actually given the burden to someone else....still heavy, but somewhat lighter.

Well, here we are....back to the beginning in the way. This has been so hard. I was really hoping I could do it. But it has turned out I am struggling. I shared that I felt like this was harder than the first few months after his passing. Someone said maybe it was the shock...the reponsiblities, that I was trying to do that I really didn't let myself completely feel. But oh I am now.

There hasn't been a day gone by that I have not wept. I cannot contain it. I am so wearry. The day came after school one day last week that I fell apart and gave in. I am not as strong as I thought I was. I wasn't sleeping, eating, resting...or even thinking.

I miss him, and I know of course the kids do. It pains me when I see the pain in their eyes. We had basketball games last night. I noticed both Isaac and Rachel chose the number 10 jersey. Remember that was Johns number. Isaac still has not dealt with it at all. He has had angry moments, tearful moments....i don't think he knows how to handle it. Rachel and Matthew have dealt with it in their own way. I think I could tell when Matthew turned the corner. He has become my partner in this journey....hugging me, helping me.....encouragaing me. Hannah has not dealt with it and is dealing with it in her own way....and I am not sure it is always the best. But keep praying for her.

I am on medication again....I don't like it, but it helps me sleep and get through my days. Today, as have been the last several...I would like to curl up in bed and stay there....but I know I have to go on.

I don't want to face the weeks ahead...I don't. I was not going to go to school this Friday (the anniversary) but I decided I would not want to be home.....then Hannah's birthday is Saturday. That is almost worse for me. It brings back the pain that she felt. How can she ever have a "happy" birthday again? I am thankful that the winter ball is this saturday. Hopefully her mind will be preoccupied. Pray for her. Bless her heart...how she must hurt.

Thanksgiving....I have asked that we be alone. My family was more than willing to be here...but i couldn't staned the thought of having all the pain......thinking I had to smile....I just want to be with my kids....and be there for them.

It was tradition to go get our tree the day after thanksgiving. We will probably do it again. But how...how....oh it hurts.

I would rather go without celebrating at all. No tree..nothing. But for the kids....

I will be better about blogging..i need it.....i need the prayer..i need the support....

Love,
Saundra

Saturday, Sept. 11, 2010

This is a hard day for me. I am struggling. It's funny, I feel like i have been doing pretty well. This week has been hard. Seems Hannah is trying to spread her wings a little bit.

I had some papers that I needed her to sign the other day...so I went to the school, only to find out that she hadn't even been there...it was 8:30. I called her and she had just drove into the parking lot. After talking to her I found out that this had not been the first time.

I didn't feel like i could handle it alone..so knowing Rocky would help I had her go to the office with me and we talked with Rocky about it. Rocky was wonderful. But when I went to hug her she would let me and then within minutes i got a text from her that said, "I hate you. You are ruining my life." It broke my heart.

Then, found out Isaac isn't doing well in Algebra. He fought me about going to tutoring even though the teacher said he needed to go. So, i talked to her and Coach Brown and they fully supported and helped me. Coach Brown talked to Isaac and I haven't had any trouble getting him to go to tutoring since,.

Hannah still won't talk to me...it hurts. I know what i did was right.....but i have to always be the bad guy.

Rachel is sick. I had to leave her home alone on Friday. I hated it. I am her mother...i should have been there for her.

Right now...i feel a little overwhelmed...a little useless as a mom. I shared with a friend at work that i feel like I am always trying to please the kids....in everything. I finally felt like i could go out with friends and enjoy the evening. But Matthew informed me that I need to be home. That I should not go out with them.

So, I don't feel like i can really go out because he gets angry when i do. Though, i am unhappy when i am home...because again...it is always about pleasing them.

I don't know...maybe its true. But i feel like a deserve a life also. I just can't please them though. That is the whole point. It seems like one of the kids are mad at me all the time. I am under constant pressure for peace between someone.

Then, today has reminded me again and again that my birthday is coming up. I don't want to celebrate without John. It is just not going to be fun...i don't even want it to come.

Just pray for us. Pray that I can somehow compromise with the kids so that there will be peace. That God will give me wisdom.

Just pray for us.

Saundra

Sept. 7, 2010..Tuesday

To my faithful followers,...i am sorry that i have not been faithful in blogging. Since school has started I feel like i barely have time to breathe. God has been faithful to help me though.

Matthew started back to SNU and seems to be enjoying it much more than last semester. I am grateful for that. He deserves a good year. He seems to have made great friends with the golf team and i really am happy for that. Had his first tournament today....he said he did awful. But for others it would be awesome. He is a lot like John....he is hard on himself.

Hannah is still the bubbling girl she has always been. She is a senior this year...I heard somebody once say...when you have a senior just start unloading that wallet.....wow, there is money going everywhere. We did have her sr pics taken....they were adorable. It is going to be hard to choose from. But then again...money!! She is having the time of her life, during this last year of high school. I know that graduation is going to be hard for me..but i think, though it will be happy for her...i think she will be very sad that daddy could not be there with her. But, i will not borrow trouble from tomorrow.....

Isaac is doing okay. He just struggles so much in school. He refuses to admit it which makes it hard for anyone to help him. His hardest subject is Algebra, and Mrs. Cagle is trying her best. He is still very argumentative...everyone keeps telling me that it is his anger.....I just need him to be more agreeable.

Rachel is my happy baby. She makes life happier for me. She is doing well is school. She has been involved in softball and that keeps us hopping. She has a fun time with her friends and that helps get her through many days.

None of them have been to the cemetary. That hurts me so much. But, i don't mention it, they say they will do it in their time.

I am getting out more. A co-teacher and i are starting to do things together. It is nice to get out and about again. It took a little bit, i felt guilty. But that has now passed and i enjoy getting out. Matthew was angry at first. He didn't want me going out. Didn't understand why i wanted to. I told him that,as golf was his outlet, my friend is mine,. He seemed to really back down with understanding.

I am doing alright. Really doing well i think. I still have my days...both good and bad. But God has been very faithful to me.

My prayer requests are for the kids. Heal their hurts, their pain. Help them in school....with their work and make wise decisions.

Help me to make wise decisions...concerning the kids, financing, and other decisons i have to make everyday.

Thanks for your prayers,

saundra

Tuesday, Aug 17 2010

Debbie, there is a reason God put me on your heart...more than you know.....

I am in turmoil... I have kept things in my heart until I am to burst. I wanted everyone to think that all was well. I don't know why...I am not proud. I have nothing to be proud of. Guess with all the help we recieved I didn't want to ask for anything else. But it has come to the point where I am going to beg for prayers...

I feel like my family is falling apart. I don't know the anger from John's death is finally hitting the boys or what it is. But this morning, as I prayed I didn't even know what to say to God, I didn't know how to pray. I just cried "MERCY".

Matthew seems to have such hatred for me. Such disrespect. It has come to the point that I am afraid of him. He isn't always that way...sometimes he can be so loving. Then the next minute so angry. He recently did something totally against my instructions not too. Actually bringing danger into our home. So, we had an all out argument. He said such hurtful and hateful things to me.

God answered prayer and the event ended. It was taken from my home. But he still is angry...so angry.

I don't tell you these things to hate Matthew...but I need help with him. Prayer...is the answer and I am crying out to you...revealing a weakness......just asking for prayer.

Then Isaac. I really can't get him to do anything I ask. No respect.. just angry outbursts like Matthew. Laughing at me when I ask him to do something...then totally disregarding me.

Again..I need help. Neither will go to counseling..that option isn't on the table.

So...I beg, I cry for your help. I am opening up....I know of know where else to go. I felt the Lord lead me here this morning....someone help me........just pray.

I just feel that I have no control of my home. I can't ask anything of the boys. They offer no help. It seems that they live in their own world...and the girls and I in ours. No respect.

The girls seem to be doing fine. They are respectful and sweet. In fact, the other night I went out with some friends and Hannah text me and said, "Mommy, have a good time. You deserve it." I cried. She understands me.

It is the boys. I don't know what to do. ...but to ask for prayer...the more prayers...."where two or more are gathered...." I rest on his promises. But how I need your prayers.

I start school today (teachers report), so pray for me...it is hard.

Went to Rachel's first softball game last night...that too was hard. I kept seeing the girls John coached last year and heard his words about each one. How he loved her. How she did this that made him laugh. Each one held a certain place in his heart..and I remembered how each had something that he considered dear to him. He had a name for each one...a pet name. I had to giggle to myself. But, I missed him.

I am falling...into despair. Pray for me.

I only hope as you read this...you don't think of me as a failure, or that my kids are horrible. They just need help.

Love,
Saundra

Sunday August 15, 2010

Well school is upon us. I am not doing well with it. I feel so totally overwhelmed. I never realized how much help John was in preparing the kids for school. We would always start getting them into bed at school days bedtime a week before school. I have done horrible. It just seems at 10:00 at night...which is when they SHOULD be in bed...I am busy doing laundry....etc...so that I forget to send them there. You don't think they would do it themselves do you?

I had a rough day today. Church was awesome...and when my heart was ready to burst in worship of our Lord, Sunday School was there. It was a great morning in His house. But in my house in was a different story. I feel like I am losing authority in my home. Honestly, are there days when you just feel like no one will listen to you. That is how I feel tonight as I am blogging this.

It just feels like everything is against me. I wish I could wish him back.

Isaac and I rode in the Children's Center Bike Ride yesterday. We rode the 52. It was very hot. But as I was getting ready here at home, all I could think of was John....getting ready with him. Then as I rode, mainly by myself..cuz Isaac can really ride, I had a lot of time to think. It seemed like there were markers in the road where I would remember certain things happening last year as John and I rode. That was the last ride he and I rode in. The last. I really missed him. When I thought I couldn't do it...I would think how he would encourage me on...even if it meant coming up behind me, grabbing my seat and giving me a little shove.

That is what I feel like I need right now...a little shove from him. Because right now, I am overwhelmed. I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to go to work right now. I just want to go and be away from this busyness, this stress, this anger that I feel in my home....the responsibilities, dealing with the finances (David is slowly going to teach me how he is doing it for me).. and I know I have to...but I don't want to. I can't do all that. This is all too much for one person.

Someone asked me the other day...it is different being a single parent isn't it? OH!!! If they only knew...it is you that carry the burden of the children, it is you that hands out the discipline....you can't hand it to someone because you are tired, or are carrying your own burden, it is you that is the bad person most of the time, it is you, you, you. I don't want to be the YOU anymore. Not for right now. I will come back. But I need help.

Pray for me. My help comes from the Lord. Pray for my kids. Pray for Matthew and Isaac. Just pray. I am overwhelmed.

Love, Saundra

Monday, August 9, 2010

Wow....never thought it would be this hard. I just dropped Rachel off at Middle School softball practice. I was hit broadside by the thought that this was suppose to be John taking her.....he was to be her coach....he was suppose to be there with her!!!!!

Then, on the way to the field she said, "I wish daddy were going to be there." My heart literally broke in two. I almost threw up with what I felt in my stomach, in my heart....for her....for me....for us. I couldn't even bring myself to say anything. We were just quiet the rest of the way.

We got out together and walked in silence to the field. I talked a little bit to coach Beck, and the to Coach Schwartz I told her that we were having a hard time with it. Rachel kept coming up and hugging me. I didn't want to leave her....I didn't want to stay...it just hurt too much.

Oh God...why? Why?

I got in the car....the song that we sang while John was in the hospital........"in the calm and in the storm....He will never leave me"...this is the storm.....this is the storm. He won't leave me. As I walked in the door of the house, the song,"That's what faith will do" was on....I know God was trying to encourage me ....but right now...I am so distraught......so torn.......

It all made me realize how hard this school year would really be ...how much I really, really don't want to face it. I just don't want it to come. I don't think I can bare it. I can't stand to see the kids hurt anymore.....I thought we were done with this much hurt, this much pain.....

How much more God?

Saundra

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Well, Chris (my sister) and her son Jeffrey are gone. It was great to have them here. We did go to white water one day and then one evening we went to Frontier City. But otherwise we spent a lot of time sitting in the living room and talking, reading and sharing. It was a great time. I shared feelings with her that I hadn't been able to share with anyone. But the time was right for me to get things off my chest I guess. It was a God Blessed time for sure.



But, it was hard to see her go because it was so nice to have an "adult" around. Someone that was there to share things with. Now, I am alone again. It was nice to have someone tell me that the way I was disciplining my kids was OK. That I am a good mom. The choices I am making for my family are okay.



I can't remember if I had told you that I have decided to make my home a haven for our family. That I told the kids that we are going to make some changes in our home. I have been afraid to "rock the boat" or to hurt any of the kids so I have allowed them to listen to and watch things that they should not have. Well change is coming.

I have put parental blocks on the tv as well as not let them go to see some movies that I don't think are good for them. They have all done fairly well with the changes. Isaac is the only one. I think he has kind of closed himself up in his room this summer playing games and watching t.v. Now, that I have stopped that he doesn't know what to do. Pray for him.

I am dreading school. With school comes that feeling I had all last semester....sadness and dread. Kind of like when you hate something...do it....get over it...then have to do it again? Just that same feeling of dread.. On top of that...my birthday...no...I don't even want to have it. I don't want to celebrate. There is nothing I want to do...or think about for my birthday. I can't imagine celebrating without John. So, I just won't.

Then right around the corner....the anniversary of his death, thanksgiving/Christmas with out him. I hate the thought of the next 3 or 4 months. I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out for those months. I don't want to face them. I don't think I can handle that hurt again. all over again.

Pray for us. School is going to be hard....with all the feelings we had the last we were there. School supplies are even hard to get. I can't even imagine going to get clothes. Already told the kids that the supplies are necessary....but we will not get clothes. I just can't do it. John was so involved in that stuff....he made going back to school fun........

Pray for us...pray for peace.

Saundra

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Please remember as you read this....this is my voice....this is getting things off my chest......just a way for you to know how to pray for me......(and I really need to talk right now...and have someone listen)

....Not a good day.

Got up and had devotions. Learned to say the word "Jesus" when I am afraid, worried, etc....Just speak His name and He will draw closer.

But it was hard to live it today....

Went for a bike ride. Good ride. I decided to go to cemetery before going home. I took my pebble and went and knelt in front of the memorial stone. Then it started. The tears that I had bottled up all week. It just seemed like everywhere I turned this week I was needed. I had no time for myself...no time to think, no time for anything. I just ran, ran, ran. Or worked out in the yard on things that really needed to be done..(so can't say it was fun!) It seemed like the kids...all of them were needy this week. I just felt overwhelmed.
So, I cried and told John all about it. Then, layed my pebble down and left the cemetery...but not my feeling of being overwhelmed. (by the way...to those of you who leave pebbles when you visit.....I so much appreciate seeing them grow when I visit. It just gives me such joy to know he is not forgotten!) Thank you.

Got home and was told by my two oldest that the plans I had made for family time would not happen because they had made other plans. My heart broke. I was looking so forward to it.

Then, I have tried to place some restrictions on Isaac in playing his PS3. I found him up at 2:00 a.m. playing this morning. So I told him he couldn't play it today (Saturday). Well, when I thought he was sleeping in late, I found out he had been playing all along. So, I took his tv out of his room. Well, that started a major angry outburst.

He broke my heart when he said that I never did anything with him. That all I do is things with Rachel and Hannah. I try so hard to spend time with each of them. I try, I try, I try.

When he said that....everything crashed. I could not take it. I felt useless, helpless and of no value. I just wanted to run, run and not turn back.

I don't know...tonight I don't feel so good about myself as a mother....a caregiver. Anything right now.

Probably just a moment....probably will pass. But not feeling good right now. I miss John. His arms around me, telling me to go to bed...he will take care of everything. And knowing that in the morning...everything will be alright again. But, now, I know it won''t be. He is still gone...I am still on my own.

I told a friend the other day....being a single/widowed/mom is a very lonely existence. You just don't fit anywhere. Not really in your kids lives...they have their friends. Not in your friends lives anymore....I have been away from them so long...because I don't have time for a social life....or I am too afraid to leave my kids, that they have moved on to other people who meet that "friend" need. You don't fit into that "whole family" picture anymore....if you go to a gathering where the whole family is invited....I feel out of place. It's a couple's world for me....except I am no longer a couple.

So, where do I belong? No where. No where.....

Saundra

Thursday, July 28, 2010

I woke the other morning with such a yearning that I can't get over it. I am praying about it. I only know one answer....God. But it is hard looking.....and waiting.....and feeling.

I woke the other morning with such a need to feel John's arms around me. He and I would just stand and hug. Just stand and hold each other. And I longed for that again. I long for that again.

That hug that says, "I love you more than anything.", the hug that tells me I am important, that hug that makes me feel secure, that I matter. That tight, "I'm never going to let go hug."

I don't want it from another man...that isn't what I am saying. No, no....I am in no way wanting that. But I need that feeling.

I am praying, and I ask that you do the same.....I know there isn't a person on the earth that can make me feel that way right now...only God is able. Would you please pray that I have that feeling from Him. That I will feel God's Hug. Oh, I need a tight one. Please pray with me.


Love,
Saundra

Saturday, July 24, 2010

This weekend has brought tears, laughter, happiness, joy, confusion....just an array of feelings.

I had been wanting to see that movie Inception. Matthew had seen it and loved it. But, I didn't want to go by myself so I really didn't think I would go. But while with Dawn one evening this week we talked about the movie and she said that she wanted to go also. As we were parting, I briefly mentioned that if they went Friday night I would like to go along. (They usually would go out as a family on Friday night). Yeah I thought I would probably feel like the third wheel, but I really wanted to go...and not alone. I didn't think they would go, or if they did, I certainly didn't think that they would consider me....they have enough going on also.

But, sure enough, she called and asked! I had talked to Jay and Marilyn in that time and Jay said he had wanted to see it also. I thought it would be Dawns family and Jay and I. As it turned out it was Dawn, Mark, Jay and myself. I had a great time. I don't know if Jay really wanted to see it, or if he knew my thoughts of being a third wheel and helping me not to feel that. But we all had fun...even though the movie was very hard for us to understand.

I know the Lord put it all together. When I came home from our vacation I felt like I had a new breathe...a new lease on life. I am reading a book about being a single mom, and I am finding that just worrying about the kids is helping no one...not even them. I have praying for God to help me with this. I feel like God is moving me into the next step of my grieving process, my growing process in this journey I am on.

Then, something I absolutely loved to do before was work in the yard during the summer. But, we would usually do that together. But, I just hadn't been able to get motivated to go out there. To do it alone. But today, I started out by doing a little thing...just trimming bushes..but by the end of the day I had accomplished so much and had found that I had spent the majority of the day outside....and I absolutely enjoyed it...again! Thank you Jesus for giving me the joy again!!!

I just wanted to share this. It was a good day! Thank you Jesus!!

Saundra

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Well, we are home. We left my parents home in Peoria Illinois about 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday. We drove 3 1/2 hours to St. Louis. It was a pretty quiet ride, the kids were all so tired. In fact, Matthew didn't drive that long until he was tired so I took over and drove the last 2 hours.

My mind wonders as I drive. Probably why I hate to drive. All I thought about was what John would have done in this or that situation...in that place...how he would have acted. Then I would think of something funny that happened and I thought I can't wait to tell John.....only to remember that I couldn't tell him anything.

We went straight to our hotel and checked in, walked to the Arch. We were hoping we (they, because I am scared of heights) could go to the top...but it was too long of a wait. It would run into our cardinals game. But as I walked over there memories came real to me. I remembered the first time I was there. It was with John....and I was pregnant with Matthew. I shared with the kids how we went to the top. All the way up I held tight to his hand. When we got to the top....I was ready to go down. Course you have to wait. John was so sweet...he held me close in the middle of the little room (so I wouldn't feel like I was falling) and waited until we could go down. I laughed when I told the kids that I said then that I would never go up there again....and I have kept my promise to myself!

I remember standing at the top of the stairs and standing sideways...John took a picture of me like that...in front of the arch. I remember what he was wearing as I looked at him and smiled. I remember he came up to me, kissed me tenderly and said, "You look beautiful". I have so many memories of that time...and pictures. A time I will never forget.

We went to the game and I was surprised at the seating we had. Having never reserved seats and a game before I had no idea what I was doing when I got these tickets. I knew we had good seat when Matthew, who was sitting down the row from me...with the younger kids in the middle of us.......text me and said, "You did good Momma". I was so happy.

We had a great time at the game. I sat next to Isaac. I just kept thinking how that should have been John there with him. See, Isaac had begged and begged John to go to a Cardinals game. We go by there every summer to see my mom and dad. John told him last summer, that if they were in town this summer when we went through either on the way to or from, that he would take him. Isaac asked me if they were, I checked, found out they were, and felt like I was responsible for that to Isaac.

As I sat at the game next to Isaac. I know that Isaac went there too....I wish.....He had so much fun. It was every father's dream to see his son enjoying the game as Isaac did...I wish......It was every mothers dream to see her son and husband enjoying the game together...I wish. It was a hard evening for me.

I never realized how much John did when getting ready for the trip/vacation. I was overwhelmed the night before. Everything turned out well...and I am sure the next time will be easier for me.

It is hard to look at the pictures...someone...something...is always missing....in everyone of them.

God is doing something in my life. He is opening my eyes to things that are not pleasing to him...in my life and my kids life. Things that have to change for me, for our family, to bring Glory to His name, to be all that God requires of us. Changes....no body likes them. I am fretting over the changes that I feel need to be made...mainly asking the kids to abide by my house rules. I worry about them accepting them. But I want a house filled with His spirit...I want us to be different than the world. We are not different. God is just revealing things to me.

This morning...I was praying about it...asking God to help me know what to do....how to approach the kids...etc. I opened my devotional God Calling, and the first line of the devotion said this: Do what is required of you, let me take care of the outcome. So, there I have it! I have to do what He asks of me...not worry about what the kids will say or do, or how they will react. Not worry about other people and their opinions. I HAVE to do what He requires. He will take care of the rest. Besides...faith without doing is not faith at all. So I have to believe His word. So I prayed and asked God to reveal what all he wants of me, what he wants or needs me to change in my life and the life of my kids while they are in my care. I know he will reveal it to me...as He as already started.

Pray with me. Pray that God will work all things for our good. That I will walk where and how he wants me to. To obey him in doing....and he will take care of the rest.

Love,
Saundra

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Well, today finds us in Peoria Illinois with my parents, my little sister and her twin boys, and my older sister and husband and son. We arrived early evening Friday. It was a long 6 hours from Branson. But we cut it up by stopping. Hannah got to drive for the last 1 hour. She loved that. I won't let her drive where heavy traffic is, and this part of the trip was very lonely on the highway...so she loved it.

Unfortunately, I have had little sleep since I have arrived here. On the way here Rachel complained of an ear ache. Friday night I was up most of the night, then around 3:00 I couldn't take it any more. So she and I made a trip, unknown to anyone else who was getting their beauty sleep, to the local Walgreens. I assumed that it was swimmers ear since that is pretty much all she did in Branson. So, I bought some swimmer's ear drops and some motrin. Came home, gave it to her, and since she was sleeping with me and still had little relieve, we tossed and turned most of the rest of the morning.

Saturday I kept putting the drops in her ear and giving her motrin. Last night it was the same thing....up all night. Then at breakfast, she wouldn't eat anything. She said she just didn't feel good and her ear hurt so bad. So my sister told me about a Med Quick place. Matthew and I took Rach there...unfortunately they are closed on Sundays.

My little sister Debbie works in a doctor's office, so she called one of her doctors and he prescribed amoxicillin and an ear drop. Well, all day today we have used the ear drops...and luckily we got 3 doses of the antibiotic in her. But, tonight we got ice cream and she couldn't even eat it...she said it hurt her ear...all the way through her jaw. So I called Marilyn and she said that she will probably have to see the dr before we leave. Since we plan to stop the night in St. Louis for a cardinals game....she needs to get some relief! I need some relief...especially when I think of the ride/drive home!

Everyone else is doing well though. It has been really relaxing here. We haven't done much...purposefully because I am exhausted. Maybe tomorrow.

Well, keep Rachel in your prayers. Keep me in your prayers. Keep us all in your prayers.

Love,
Saundra

July 14, 2010 Wednesday

Well, still in Branson. Yeah, I am having a great time. But, oh yes, there are times that I yearn for John to be here. Really it comes mostly when the kids are doing something special or great and I wish so much that he could be with them...to enjoy it with them. I know they miss him. Though none of them have mentioned it...how can they not. I wish I could take the pain away for them. My prayer every morning has been that they would not remember the negative, but would dwell on the positive. That they would be enjoying themselves so much that they could not think of the negative. But, I think that is almost impossible. I know I can be having the time of my life and suddenly there is that thought, that picture...that memory.

We took a family picture (part of the program at Dixie Stampede). As I looked at it, I said "Oh that is a nice family picture.....and then I said, (because Jason couldn't come) "There is just one thing missing...." then I caught myself...there were two things missing.......and it broke my heart.

I wonder....are the kids doing what I am doing? Yes, I am having a good time, but deep inside are they hurting....trying to cover the pain with laughter....trying to pretend it isn't there? I hope not. I want their happiness to deep......

Well, a few more days then we are off to Illinois to see my parents. Today the boys are golfing here at the resort. The girls are swimming...maybe a little shopping. I don't know.....they sure love to swim!!!!

Keep praying....
Saundra

July 12, 2010 Thursday

It has been a good day. A little rough beginning. I think Matthew is really missing John. He seems deep in thought a lot. Not really talkative. Later in the day he opened up a little more.

Yes, I did the zipline. It was a lot more fun than I expected. I was terrified when we got up at the top...even more scared when I was in that seat ready to go. The girls took pictures and I told them to tag me on them. So if you have a facebook account, and have me as a friend you should be able to see our pictures from the trip.

We are having a great time. The kids are swimming now while I take a breather. I am worn out to say the least.

Thanks again for your prayers. We all know what prayer can do!!!

Saundra

July 12, 2010 Monday

Well, we made it safefully to Branson. I mean that literally. While driving here...everyone was asleep, Matthew was driving and I suddenly heard Isaac yell, "Matthew, are you awake?" I woke up and asked what happened. He said, "Oh, I fell asleep for a minute." We immediately pulled over and he climbed into the back seat and slept while I drove and Isaac was the co-pilot. What was so amazing was later while discussing it with Isaac, he said that he was asleep and woke up abruptly, and just then was when Matthew swerved. Thank you for your prayers....I believe without a doubt that God woke Isaac and saved us.

Our place is beautiful. The kids are having a great time. I love to see them laugh. Matthew and gramps have many days of golf planned.

Meanwhile...my mind is boggled with things to do!!! I told the kids...besides golfing and swimming they would each get to pick one special thing for all of us to do. Big decision!!!

Keep praying!

Love,

Saundra

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Well, one day until vacation. Thank you for your prayers. The Lord has strengthen me, and I was reminded this morning to FOCUS on Him. The devotional said that when negative thoughts come to me to right away turn my focus on Him and talk to Him about about them. I am trying to do that whenever a negative thought of the trip comes to my mind.

My sister-in-law from Colorado has been here for the last couple of days. It has been so refreshing to have she and her two girls here with me. She has blessed me in ways she will probably never know. We had a great time of sharing yesterday morning while everyone was still in bed. It was good for me to go back and relive some things that I haven't been able to. We cried together, praised God together and rejoiced. She and her girls have been a reprieve from my everyday life. It has been wonderful. (mmmm, wonder if God managed to have her come right at this time, as I struggle with this trip, to let me get a glimpse of what I will feel on this trip? Joy? Calmness? Reprieve? Refreshed?mmmmmm could it be?) I don't think it was a coincidence?

Answers to prayers...Oh My Word! God has been faithful. I wish you could see the bond that is building between Isaac and Matthew. God's hand is all over it! When Matthew isn't at work....they are together! In fact...when he is at work...Isaac has sometimes gone with him! Last night...all the girls were doing things together...and of course I start fretting over what I would do with Isaac. When I got home to get everyone together for dinner...Isaac and Matthew were gone. I text Matthew.....he had Isaac at HIS friends house and was going to get him dinner! Isaac's Pal that I have been praying for....for this season....is right here...I am convinced...and it is Matthew. I don't believe it is just for Isaac either....I believe it is for Matthew also. He loves being the Big Brother...I can tell.

Hannah and Rachel are starting to do things together more often. Hannah is actually starting to ask Rach to do things. Then other evening....Hannah pulled me aside and told me that she wanted to give Rach a surprise facial and foot soak. So Hannah and I went and bought a few of the necessities for such and they spent most of the evening in their bedroom with each other. I loved it. I was going to join them, but I think I was checked by the Lord.....THEY needed this time together. Haven't I been praying for this? So, I told them that next time we would all do it together. They have been wanting to go get pedicures. But, don't we all know what those cost. So I have told them that we will all just do each others sometime and make an evening for it.

Yesterday was the Bethany School Foundation Annual Golf Tournament. Matthew, Isaac, Jason, and Jay played as a group. As much as Isaac loves golf, he did not want to go when it came time yesterday morning. I had to physically get him out of bed. After he and Matthew left, I sat and talked with God about it. I believe it was this....John, Isaac and Matthew have played in this every year since the boys could play. I think Isaac could not come to grips with playing without John. I believe it with all my heart. So, I felt badly about making him get up. I went out later and he was a happy little boy. He had made an eagle on a hole (that is a good thing). He and Matthew both seemed to be having fun. Later, their team won the tournament. I thought "this is a good year for it to happen". I mean, they usually did win....but it was good that they win without John. You know what I mean? I hope that didn't sound awful. But I think it would have been a sad day for them had they not won. So, they all came home feeling very good. As though....A WIN FOR JOHN.

Well, please pray for traveling mercies for us. I have been praying for God to place a hedge of His angels around us, protecting us from our own carelessness on the road as well as others. I pray for His joy, peace, and contentment. I have also, and ask that you, pray for our minds to not think of John not being with us, but just to focus on the fun that we will be having. I know that is going to be the hard part for all of us. That John isn't there. Kind of like the golf tournament. He will be missed. But I don't want, and I pray, that that will not be our (especially the kids) focus. Please pray that way.

Well, computer is going in case now...well maybe tonight....and if I can get wi-fi anywhere....I will let you in on our trip. Pray for us....I covet them....

Saundra

July 8, 2010....Thursday

Wow..thanks for your prayers and comments. I appreciate them...each and everyone.

Well, I was continuing to worry...which I have come to believe and see (from people who are not even tackling a task like mine....) that there are worries to every trip. Mine is just magnified because of all the circumstances.

But, God came in his sweet way this morning during my devotions and gave me a little saying for me to use during this time...during the trip. But I want to share the devotion with you. It is so rich. It comes from the devotional book..Dear Jesus by Sarah Young. It is written in prayer format....as if I am praying the words...then God gives his reply. Sometimes it is right on..like today.

This one is entitled...My Grace is sufficient for you, but it is sufficient for ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Dear Jesus,
I desperately need to learn how to live in the present moment. My mind so easily slips into the future, where worries abound. I ALSO spend way too much time analyzing the things in the PAST. Meanwhile, splendors of the present moment parade before me and I am too preoccupied to notice. My problem is to strive for self-sufficiency. Help me learn to rest in Your sufficiency, depending on You more and more.

BELOVED, you need My grace in order to live in the present.....Do you really believe My grace is sufficient for you? If so, then it makes sense to stop your anxious striving.

My grace is indeed sufficient for every situation you will EVER encounter. However, you must learn to receive My provisions by looking to Me continually.

Each day you face a number of situations requiring My help. Moment by moment, I proffer to you the needed assistance. Your part is to recognize your neediness and receive what I offer. My Presence is with you ALWAYS, providing everything you need. Don't worry about tomorrow's needs. My sufficiency is for one day at a time----TODAY!!!!!

..But He said to me, :My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

...Those who look to him are radiant....

....And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus....

....Therefore do no worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.....

WOW! I was moved. I was scolded. I have not dwelt on this! His Grace is sufficient.

Whenever God reveals something to me (and this is nothing new to me...I have heard this scripture since I can remember....but it means something more to me now) I like to try to think of a way to remember it throughout the day....to apply it when I need it...or when I have a quiet moment to again reflect on it. So...I am remembering this today....

His Grace is sufficient....
His Grace...
On my face!!! (the scripture above Psalm 34:5..says "those that look to him are radiant") what a witness I
can be!

I wept as I was revealed this. Didn't have anyone to share it with...so I came to you. I was so excited.

Continue to pray for me/us. I know we will have a good time. I am still somewhat afraid...but.....His Grace IS sufficient. He will provide as I need.

I am taking my computer and hope to post while I am away. Just to keep my faithful readers informed and to let you know of any prayer requests.

Don't forget to pray. I am coveting them on this trip....all the time!

Love,
Saundra

Monday, July 5,2010

This weekend was a little hard. Not as hard as I expected. That is what they say though; worrying and waiting for 'that' day to come is worse than the 'day' itself. I think the time that was the hardest and saddest to me was when I was sitting at the parade and went back to the last 4th...how we sat next to each other in our chairs and enjoyed the parade together. Then...I really missed him

Then yesterday (Sunday) I was cleaning up the home computer and was going through the pictures we have. I found pictures of John. The memories came flooding back. Then the tears came. I had my little moment of nostalgia and missing him.

Now....I am heading toward something for the first time again. And I am pleading for prayers. We will be heading to Branson this coming Sunday. I am scared. I will be honest. John was such the head of our home that he took care of all the little things that needed to be done...and the big. All I had to do was get packed. I didn't worry about gas, car problems, money, the route, the places we would go...nothing. There was such security in him. I just trusted him.

Now, my trust is in the Lord. But I can't help it, I am scared. I am scared that Matthew won't get the car top carrier on securely enough, I am afraid we may get lost, I am afraid of car troubles.....it goes on and on. I am keeping myself awake at night. I am sick to my stomach. I don't even know where to begin as I plan this trip. I feel lost.

I am trying to put up a brave and excited front for the kids... but it is hard. My mind wonders a lot.....
Please pray for me. Pray for God to give me a peace. The strength I need rests in Him.....I just need help believing it right now. My fear overwhelms my common sense and my heart. Please pray for me.

Pray for our safety, and protection. Pray for a good time. Just pray.

Love,
Saundra

Saturday July 3, 2010

I think this week has been the best week I have had yet. Thank you Jesus!!! When I decided that I was going to accept my circumstance as God's Will, and he was going to make me more like Him through it, my days changed. They seemed more relaxed, more fun. I didn't dwell on the negative circumstances in my life...but the good...and what God is doing.

Isaac and I went to Lincoln Golf Course and ate lunch with Matthew Thursday. Then that afternoon Isaac played 18 holes of golf while I drove the cart. We had so much fun. We laughed and talked and talked and laughed. And I remembered then, that John and I used to talk about how, if John didn't make a one on one time with Isaac every once in a while, Isaac would become angry, sullen and disobedient. John would then take him out and do something out of the ordinary with him...and guess what? He would be a great kid again. We just decided that he needed that one on one time just to regroup...or whatever it was. But we came to realize that John would have to do that.

So, I guess that lays on me now! Because he has been so fun since Thursday. Very respectful and very happy. He has been fun to be around.

Friday, the girls and I just hung out with each other. We went to Pink Swirls and then to a movie Friday night. We had a great time together.

While we were doing that Matthew and Isaac entertained about 9 of Matthew's friends at our house. When the girls and I got home at 10 or so...there they were in our living room. Having a great time! It was so fun to see them all here....to see matthew enjoying himself...and allowing Isaac to share in the fun.

It was all a blessing to me. And as I lay my head down to sleep I thanked the Lord. I thank Him, that life is becoming a little more normal. I just have to keep my focus on Christ...no matter the circumstances. He is working all things for our good.

On a sad note....a very sad note..we had to put Boo our 3 year old cat to sleep. She had some kind of allergy that would have to be treated all her life. I knew I just couldn't afford that. I cried because Isaac considered her "his" cat. He slept with her a lot and was the only one that had a way to make her stay and sleep on his lap. She would not do that with anyone but him. As of yet, he doesn't know. I am having such a hard time telling him. While he is doing so well. He thinks she is still at the vet for tests. It breaks my heart. So, I am looking for a kitten I can get him. I have to replace it. I can't have him having these losses. I can't. I don't know how he will deal with it. Please pray for him...and me.

Pray for the new day...the new life..Christ has given us. We are all being made over into his image...and it is an adventure.....

Love,
Saundra

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I first have to tell you the learning experience I had Sunday a.m. If you are reading this, then you know me pretty well, and you know that I have cleaved to Sallye Siems. She has been there for me Sunday morning after Sunday morning so I wouldn't have to sit alone in either church or S.S. Church isn't so bad....but going into S.S. is so hard. Not only do I feel so alone, I feel like I stand out as a sore thumb, and it brings back many memories of John and I in class together. So, the Lord has used her to be my "faithful sister" on Sundays.

Saturday evening I got a text from Sallye that she wasn't going to be there. They were going out of town. I panicked. But would never, never let her know that. She has every right to be with her family. I didn't want her to be torn. So, I cheerfully text her back and told her to have fun. But in the pit of my stomach I was sick. I already was thinking of who I could ask to sit with. Then, a thought occurred to me...."leave it to me". I knew right away it was the Lord. "Leave it to me". It just kept resounding in my head. All evening Saturday, when I would begin to think of who I could ask, I would hear that same thing, "Leave it to me."

Isaac and I had a hard morning. Just butting heads as usual. Church went great. I enjoyed the sermon and the message so much. When it came time to go to Sunday School, I had to bite my tongue not to ask one of the kids to sit with me...I had even thought of asking Marilyn to come with me. But all I heard was, "Leave it to Me". So I hushed.

As I walked into Sunday School Class whose eyes would meet mine...but Joan's (her last name escapes me now). She came right to me and asked how things were. Because my heart is still raw, and I had such a terrible morning with Isaac I broke down and shared my feelings with her. It wasn't long until Cyndi Curry and Mike Curry came along beside us and began to share their experiences with me. All three were such terrific comfort and help to me. Then Joan led me to sit beside her. I sat down next to her...actually between she and Cyndi, and I had to smile. Yes indeed, He had taken care of it. Just as He had promised. But I had to LET Him. I felt so comforted. So, loved. It opened my eyes to a small glimmer of what Jesus can do when we LET Him.

This morning started as any other morning. I woke about 5:30 and came out, got a cup of Joe and came into my God Time Chair. I read the suggested reading from our church bulletin, a little bit of 2 Timothy and then in my "Reading through the Bible Bible. Then I have three books that have been my eyes into what God is teaching me for a specific day. It never amazes me how they either are all three regarding the same thing on a given day, or they combine to teach me an amazing truth.

So, I opened God Calling: It said to me. "You can never go beyond My Love and Care. No evil can befall you. Circumstances I bless and use much be the right ones for you.

The first step: Lay your will before Me as an offering, ready that I shall do what is best, sure that what I do for you will be best.

Second Step: Be sure and tell me so, that I am Powerful enough to do everything, that no miracle is impossible with me.

THEN: Leave all with me. Sure of safety and protection...you cannot see the future, I can.

Accept My Will and it will bring you joy.

God's word to me? (and to some of you this may be a "well yeah! of course..thing. but to me it was eyes opening)...
He could have healed and saved John. I now believe that. Before I was scared to admit that because then I didn't know why he wouldn't. But through this small message...yes...he could have healed John. He could have brought Him back to us perfect. But He chose not to. For whatever reason He chose not to. I have to accept that as God's will. Jesus did not want to accept that it was His Father's will that He died on the cross, but He did accept it. And look what happened!!!!! Nothing but good came from it.

So, I accept God's death. I don't have to be happy about it...I don't rejoice about it. Naturally, he is gone, there is a big void in my/our lives. But there is a reason for all He does. I will wait for that to be revealed. But he could have, He chose not to. I accept God's will.

Dear Jesus Book Says: Trust in Me with all your heart and mind, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your path straight.

The prayer: Trusting you with all my heart has been my goal for years. My mind is ravenous for understanding. I want to trust You wholeheartedly, but I feel stuck.

God's Word...Your desire to trust Me wholeheartedly is pleasing to me. I m providing training through your life expreriences. Allow Me to do this supernatural work in your heart. Recognize that many of the difficulties in your life are designed to help in this endeavor.

I want you to trust Me with all your heart and all your mind. The Holy Spirit will help you thing trusting thoughts. Instead of relying on your own understanding to help you feel in control, as My Spirit to control your mind. Then, wait confidently to see results. As you look to Me, trusting Me and talking with Me, I straighten out the path before you.

God's Word to me....Trust me. Now that you know that this is all my will and in my control, trust me. Don't try to figure things out. Just trust me.

And then Lastly...Jesus Calling: As you get out of Bed in the Morning, be aware of My Presence with you. Your early morning thoughts tend to be anxious ones until you get connected with me. Invite Me into your thoughts by whispering my name.

I am with you--you face nothing alone. You and I together can handle anything. It is this YOU AND I TOGETHER factor that gives you confidence to face the day cheerfully.

God's word to me: Live in my presence. You have accepted my will, you are learning to trust me...now live in my presence.

See how he tied all those together for me? I don't know. It may just be for me and know one else understands. But I feel a peace.

I went to the cemetery today and talked with John. Told him all I have learned. Told him God's neat revelation and truth to me. Maybe...if he can hear me...he will see that I am growing in the Spirit and know that indeed "all things work for the good of those who love the Lord."

By the way...thank you to the sweet person that put the sticker on the little bench that says, "Jesus Loves John". I was moved. Someone, besides family, loves him and has not forgotten himn. Thank you, thank you.

I love this day.......I love the Lord....Join me in thanking Him for revealing His truth to me....
Saundra

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Well, this has been a hard week. As I look back I know the Lord has helped me.

Isaac had his toe operated on...just an ingrown toenail. But, he couldn't go to white water...so he was stuck at home all week. Made him very miserable. So we haven't gotten along at all.

Matthew and I had a financial argument last night. Ended up alright..but nonetheless, it kind of took the wind out my sails...which were doing pretty well!

It really gets me down and out when I argue with any of the kids. It just really saddens me. So, I try..at all costs usually, to keep from arguing with them. But, when I do...it puts me in a very sad mood for a while until I can pray my way out of it.

Hannah and I haven't been getting along. I want her to spend more time with us. Isaac and Rachel especially have been wanting her to spend some time with them. But, she is the social butterfly...she wants to be with her friends. So we go round and round bout that.

I don't know. It just seems like we are so miserable and uptight...all of us. We just jump at each other's throats lately. I try to keep in calm and quiet...but it seems things are pretty miserable.

Our home just seems unhappy right now. For all of us. It seems that the kids all only think of themselves. I know this is typical. But it is so bad here. They don't care what the other feels. It breaks my heart!

Matthew was looking so forward to a camping trip last night and today...and everyone that said they were going changed their mind. It made him very sad. So...there I am sad also.

One thing I have learned is that I want the kids happy at any cost. I know I can't do that. That it really isn't my responsibility...or is it? Each one is on my mind...whether at home or away from me. I worry if everything is going okay for them. If not, what do I need to do to make them happy?

I can't say no to them. I can't. I try...I can't. Sometimes I am so weary I can hardly take another step...but I keep going.....Yesterday was White water from 11-4. Then home....then to Bueno...then to Frontier City. I could hardly move. But...Isaac couldn't go to white water with us..so I felt like I had to make it up to him by going to Frontier City.

I tell myself that I am tired of trying to make everyone happy...but then I just have to do it again.

I cried so hard last Thursday evening. The kids wanted to go to Frontier City for the first time this summer (yes we went Th and Friday!!!) so I told them we would go. I was so tired. But more than anything I was sick to my stomach as I thought...I am taking them by myself!!!! I will be sitting by myself!!!! ( I can't do rides!) I became so overwhelmingly sick and lonely.

But....I went. We went. It was very lonely for me. My sister, Chris, from Illinois called when I was there...I cried when she asked me what I was doing and I told her. She said she wanted to be down here with me. I explained that when I thought of anyone who I wanted to ask to go with me...they either had a family....so couldn't afford it....single...couldn't afford it...or wouldn't be able to bear the heat... had a family and had to be with them. There was just no one. I AM ALONE! I have determined that basically I AM ALONE!!!! My kids have their friends, my friends have their families (that I can't ask to leave just to be with me), Jay and Marilyn have each other, Dawn has her family and responsibilities......I AM ALONE.

I thought alot this week that I would just give up. Not on life...but on living. I am really not living anyway. I just get through one day...to face another. Take care of the kids...make sure they are alright...and go on. I am not happy....don't know if I ever will be. There is always a longing, a void, a dark corner.......I don't think I care about myself anymore. I have noticed that make up is less and less. Get up....go for a ride on my bike, come home...meet the needs of the kids. That is it for me. That is all I do.

In my devotions...over and over and over again....they tell me to keep my focus on God. I have tried this week...but I always fall short. Today...I am trying...but I can't seem to climb that mountain to meet him.

Bless Marilyn's heart. I called her to see if they were making their usual Saturday run to Sam's. They were not. When she found out I needed to go she said she could find a reason. Sweet as she is....I know the reason...she didn't want me to go alone. It breaks my heart that she is trying so hard to meet my needs...when she has so many of her own. See, I can't and don't want to be a burden to anyone....

I do want to thank Mariann Schmidt and Kelly Stout. Friday we went to White Water...I have always sat alone...alll day. Well yesterday (Friday) they saw me walking alone and Kelly called me over. I ended sitting by them. I have to say it was one of the best days I have had there. The other best day was when Dawn, Allison and Emma came with me and Rach. But it is so lonely for me there...but again....the kids love it there....so there I am.

Well, better get to Sam's. The kids have plans for us tonight. I will have to be ready to go for that.

Pray for me....