Wow....never thought it would be this hard. I just dropped Rachel off at Middle School softball practice. I was hit broadside by the thought that this was suppose to be John taking her.....he was to be her coach....he was suppose to be there with her!!!!!
Then, on the way to the field she said, "I wish daddy were going to be there." My heart literally broke in two. I almost threw up with what I felt in my stomach, in my heart....for her....for me....for us. I couldn't even bring myself to say anything. We were just quiet the rest of the way.
We got out together and walked in silence to the field. I talked a little bit to coach Beck, and the to Coach Schwartz I told her that we were having a hard time with it. Rachel kept coming up and hugging me. I didn't want to leave her....I didn't want to stay...it just hurt too much.
Oh God...why? Why?
I got in the car....the song that we sang while John was in the hospital........"in the calm and in the storm....He will never leave me"...this is the storm.....this is the storm. He won't leave me. As I walked in the door of the house, the song,"That's what faith will do" was on....I know God was trying to encourage me ....but right now...I am so distraught......so torn.......
It all made me realize how hard this school year would really be ...how much I really, really don't want to face it. I just don't want it to come. I don't think I can bare it. I can't stand to see the kids hurt anymore.....I thought we were done with this much hurt, this much pain.....
How much more God?