Sunday, August 8, 2010

Well, Chris (my sister) and her son Jeffrey are gone. It was great to have them here. We did go to white water one day and then one evening we went to Frontier City. But otherwise we spent a lot of time sitting in the living room and talking, reading and sharing. It was a great time. I shared feelings with her that I hadn't been able to share with anyone. But the time was right for me to get things off my chest I guess. It was a God Blessed time for sure.



But, it was hard to see her go because it was so nice to have an "adult" around. Someone that was there to share things with. Now, I am alone again. It was nice to have someone tell me that the way I was disciplining my kids was OK. That I am a good mom. The choices I am making for my family are okay.



I can't remember if I had told you that I have decided to make my home a haven for our family. That I told the kids that we are going to make some changes in our home. I have been afraid to "rock the boat" or to hurt any of the kids so I have allowed them to listen to and watch things that they should not have. Well change is coming.

I have put parental blocks on the tv as well as not let them go to see some movies that I don't think are good for them. They have all done fairly well with the changes. Isaac is the only one. I think he has kind of closed himself up in his room this summer playing games and watching t.v. Now, that I have stopped that he doesn't know what to do. Pray for him.

I am dreading school. With school comes that feeling I had all last semester....sadness and dread. Kind of like when you hate something...do it....get over it...then have to do it again? Just that same feeling of dread.. On top of that...my birthday...no...I don't even want to have it. I don't want to celebrate. There is nothing I want to do...or think about for my birthday. I can't imagine celebrating without John. So, I just won't.

Then right around the corner....the anniversary of his death, thanksgiving/Christmas with out him. I hate the thought of the next 3 or 4 months. I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out for those months. I don't want to face them. I don't think I can handle that hurt again. all over again.

Pray for us. School is going to be hard....with all the feelings we had the last we were there. School supplies are even hard to get. I can't even imagine going to get clothes. Already told the kids that the supplies are necessary....but we will not get clothes. I just can't do it. John was so involved in that stuff....he made going back to school fun........

Pray for us...pray for peace.

Saundra