Tuesday, Aug 17 2010

Debbie, there is a reason God put me on your heart...more than you know.....

I am in turmoil... I have kept things in my heart until I am to burst. I wanted everyone to think that all was well. I don't know why...I am not proud. I have nothing to be proud of. Guess with all the help we recieved I didn't want to ask for anything else. But it has come to the point where I am going to beg for prayers...

I feel like my family is falling apart. I don't know the anger from John's death is finally hitting the boys or what it is. But this morning, as I prayed I didn't even know what to say to God, I didn't know how to pray. I just cried "MERCY".

Matthew seems to have such hatred for me. Such disrespect. It has come to the point that I am afraid of him. He isn't always that way...sometimes he can be so loving. Then the next minute so angry. He recently did something totally against my instructions not too. Actually bringing danger into our home. So, we had an all out argument. He said such hurtful and hateful things to me.

God answered prayer and the event ended. It was taken from my home. But he still is angry...so angry.

I don't tell you these things to hate Matthew...but I need help with him. Prayer...is the answer and I am crying out to you...revealing a weakness......just asking for prayer.

Then Isaac. I really can't get him to do anything I ask. No respect.. just angry outbursts like Matthew. Laughing at me when I ask him to do something...then totally disregarding me.

Again..I need help. Neither will go to counseling..that option isn't on the table.

So...I beg, I cry for your help. I am opening up....I know of know where else to go. I felt the Lord lead me here this morning....someone help me........just pray.

I just feel that I have no control of my home. I can't ask anything of the boys. They offer no help. It seems that they live in their own world...and the girls and I in ours. No respect.

The girls seem to be doing fine. They are respectful and sweet. In fact, the other night I went out with some friends and Hannah text me and said, "Mommy, have a good time. You deserve it." I cried. She understands me.

It is the boys. I don't know what to do. ...but to ask for prayer...the more prayers...."where two or more are gathered...." I rest on his promises. But how I need your prayers.

I start school today (teachers report), so pray for me...it is hard.

Went to Rachel's first softball game last night...that too was hard. I kept seeing the girls John coached last year and heard his words about each one. How he loved her. How she did this that made him laugh. Each one held a certain place in his heart..and I remembered how each had something that he considered dear to him. He had a name for each one...a pet name. I had to giggle to myself. But, I missed him.

I am falling...into despair. Pray for me.

I only hope as you read this...you don't think of me as a failure, or that my kids are horrible. They just need help.

Love,
Saundra