Saturday, December 4, 2010

Saturday, Dec 4 2010

Are you just sick and tired of me pulling you down...sick of hearing my woes? I am too...yet this is my life right now. I want it to turn around...it just won't. If I am standing in the way of that, then pray that the Lord help me.

Last night was probably the lonliest night ihave had in a long time. Rach and her party at church, Hannah her blessed friends (who I may say are stepping up...and I love them) and Matthew, Mark took Isaac to eat then they were in their room playing games.

Me...i sat in my recliner, then went to bed around 8. I am lucky I had medicine to take or it would and could have been worse. But I just put myself to sleep. I am tired of being lonely.

Sometimes I get mad at some of the ones that talk about all the fun things they did....where they went, ......and it makes me angry that they have some a fun life....carefree.....happy.....i had it once.....

I cried in the shower this morning...i want John. He completed my life. He was there for me. I didn't have to deal with all the things I am dealing with now. Bless his heart....i didn't know he dealt with so much...it makes me love and appreciate him all the more.

Got a little further on the tree last night....got more lights on....threw a bunch of ornamaments away that I just could not put up or look at. Course the kids weren't here so they don't know. The kids haven't put their ornaments up....they may not...whatever gets them through.

Just pray...

Saundra

7 comments:

Tollya said...

You need a "tree decorating fairy" -- I'll volunteer! We could work out a time when you & your kids won't be there (maybe during school one day) I'll come in get it all done and then you can just enjoy! Let me take just one thing off your long list of to-do's! Text me.....

missd said...

Wow, at least you have your tree up! I need to go get one today or tomorrow. Tollya has a great offer for ya, go for it! I remember how your daytimer was so full of the kids games and activities, and I had to help you schedule things around them. Check you FB msgs, and call or text or msg me if there's anything like that I can do now. I have free time on the weekends and try to get organized then...

Anonymous said...

Praying for you today....

Anonymous said...

JOY COMES IN THE MORNING
by Barbara & John Tubbs

If you've knelt beside the rubble of an aching, broken heart,
When the things you gave your life to fell apart;
You're not the first to be acquainted with sorrow, grief or pain,
But the Master promised sunshine after the rain.

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
Weeping only lasts for the night;
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.

To invest your seed of trust in God in mountains you can't move,
You have risked your life on things you cannot prove;
But to give the things you cannot keep for what you cannot lose,
Is the way to find the joy God has for you.

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
Weeping only lasts for the night;
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.

The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.
Just in sight!

Anonymous said...

You grieve as one with no hope! If you believe in Jesus you have hope! As hard as it is, you need to make wise choices. As hard as it is...AND IT IS HARD...you have to choose hope instead of despair! We'll NEVER know why things happen this side of heaven, and asking why and trying to figure it out only takes you to a VERY dark place in your mind. But we have hope in Jesus and heaven, and death isn't so unknown anymore and scary, nope...we can't wait to get to heaven, because now we have an invested interest in heaven. In this Advent season, find Hope & Peace! In the midst of the hurricane that comes at you from all sides...you WILL stand firm!!

Anonymous said...

I have attempted to write much of what the previous blogger just stated. My heart goes out to you, Saundra. Until any of us have experienced the loss of a precious loved one, none of us knows the pain that is felt so deeply. Yet, even in your community of friends, there are others who have loss a child or spouse who have CHOSEN to overcome the despair and PUSH forward. It wasn't easy, but it was a CHOICE they had to make. Your CHOICE of staying in the darkness is a CHOICE. You have HOPE. You have MUCH TO LIVE FOR, but you are CHOOSING to be in despair. In the book of Romans we are told that "we are transformed by the renewing of our minds." This verse was given to me a short time after I experienced a great loss. I was in the depths of self pity and I was wrestling with the "why" of what had happened. To be honest, it was much easier to stay in the depths of despair. But when I read this scripture I realized that I must CHOOSE to move past my heartache. My counselor once told me, "In the beginning you will need to ACT your way into the FEELING. The ACTING part made me feel guilty because I thought I had to actually feel what I was outwardly conveying. But as I began to force myself to walk forward and ACCEPT this terrible and tragic event that had occurred in my life, the ACTING became less and less and the happiness did come. There were days when I would crumble in my bed and cry myself to sleep, but those days became far and few between. I didn't deny how I felt, but neither did I allow my feelings to drown me in despair. When I was asked how I was doing, I was honest. I guess, for me, the key was not to deny how I felt, but not allow how I really felt to stop me from moving forward.

I know you use this blog as a place to vent, and I don't want you to feel judged in any way by what I have shared. But as a faithful reader to your blog, I hope that you will read what I have written and it will help you to CHOOSE to move forward. You are CHOOSING to be where you are right now. God's word so clearly states that our joy is in HIM not in our circumstance. I think that means that we must CHOOSE to find the joy.

I am reminded of something Hannah shared about John while she was participating in a track meet. She shared that she wanted to give up, that her legs were hurting and the pain seemed unbearable. She said that John got in her face and said, "You can make it. You are gonna suck it up and you are going to finish this race." I believe John would be saying the same thing to you now. You can make it, Saundra, but you are going to have to decide to do so. No one believes it will be easy. It truth, it won't be. But you have everything to live for, and you are triumphant through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Anonymous said...

I to know the two posts above are true. You do have to choose and it is only you who can do so it is NOT easy but it is necessary to go on, you have such a wonderful family and they need to have you all of you there for them as they grow and become wonderful young men and women. John would be telling you to be there for them and for yourself, he loved you and would not want you to waste away your life. Praying for you all!