December 1, 2010 Wednesday

Well, as i typed in the date i thought "Oh just a little longer".

Hannah appt yesterday went great. I did get to sit in at the beginning and share some of my thoughts. It was good to hear Hannah say that she didn't want to hurt herself...she just wanted to cover her thoughts. She has been hurting for a long time. I feel like I should have known, guess I was wrapped up with my own pain to notice.

She really liked him as did i so I feel hopeful. She was called into the coaches office, she and I, and has been suspended for the first two games. I am in complete agreement with Coach and I think Hannah took it well. She also apologized to the girls after practice yesterday. The coach only suggested it but told her it was up to her...i was surprised she did it.

The psych asked me yesterday what i was hoping to gain from her seeing him and I said, "I just want my Hannah back." He asked her and she said, "I want to be happy again." Oh Lord hear that prayer,

I barely got back from the meeting with she and coach and I got a call from coach that she had hit her head against the wall in practice and had the signs of concussion and needed to be taken to emergency room immediately.

I almost passed out...I didn't know if i could do anything else. But I guess "MOM" cliicked in and I picked her up and we went. She seemed fine when I picked her up and even better the longer we sat in the waiting room. I called Joe the trainer and told him Marilyn was coming out, that Hannah did not have insurance (she is 18 now) and she was acting fine. He agreed that if Marilyn checked her out and felt she was fine she could go home.

Marilyn did and thought she was fine. She even went back to practice. That the Lord. I don't know if I could handle anything more!

I still feel overwhelmed...a bunch...i feel like I am auto pilot everyday. I can't remember anything half the time. It just keeps coming.

We put our tree up last night. Took us a while. Matthew and his friend Tim were trying their hardest and we just couldn't get it up. I called Jay and after a while we got it up. We didn't get it decorated. It was too late. I don't really feel like it. Hannah said she didn't. Matthew doesn't care. It is just too much. So, I told the kids I would put the lights on and then (they each have a box of ornamanets collected for THEM over the years) when each one has time to decorate with their ornaments they can. I just can't set a time aside...it is too thoughtful...i don't want to think about it. So once I get the lights on....they can do it as they please. I don't want it in here anyway....

It is so dark in our house...no life really. I felt terrible for someone to see this...but Jeff and Sallye came over yesterday after their work. The lights were off, Matthew on one couch, Isaac on the other, me in recliner and the girls....I don't know. But that was the way it was. I guess that is how we all feel right now. Dark. Black. No life.

Pray for us. I told you I can't...my mind is so boggled that I can't even focus on what to pray for.....

Saundra