Monday, December 27, 2010

Monday December 27, 2010

Well we made it. I felt like if we could make it through Christmas we were good.

Christmas shopping was very hard for me. Doing it alone just added to my pain. I feel like i did a terrible job shopping because I felt like I was just a zombie in the stores. Not knowing what I was buying, for whom I was buying etc....there were no lists, no rhyme or reason to my shopping. Sure enough I did get enough and left Rach out a gift. She understood. But I still felt badly about it.

The Christmas Eve service was nothing less than torture for me. As we sang songs all i could do was hear Johns voice beside me. He loved to sing the songs...carols...and you all know what a beautiful voice he had. That beautiful mellow base. I longed to hear it. Christmas was HIS time...he loved the season.

Matthew was so ultra sensitive to me. Thank God that he does have a tender heart. He would just hug me...or come look for me when I would come up missing. I am sure he was afraid I was off crying some where. He put together the "santa" gifts for me...something John would do while i filled the stockings. I know, I know it was hard on him. I know he felt like he was filling big shoes...but he was such a "grown" up doing the things he did...eating santa's cookies for Rach, putting things out for santa....i am so proud of him.

Christmas morning was hard.. John always played Santa....again Matthew stepped up. Handing gifts out. We had a good morning but there was a quietness in the air.....not mentioned...but we all knew the what the other was feeling and thinking.

I really, really appreciate all the encouragement I have received from you on here. I sometimes just get on to read the last 5 or 6 comments just know I am alright.

Pray for Hannah. The meds that she is taking is causing her not to eat. So I am taking them away until we see the psych dr. next week. As you know she can't afford to lose weight although she thinks she needs to . Also, I know it is instigated from a friend, but she is getting a tattoo. It breaks my heart more than she could ever know. I don't think she is old enough to make that decision yet. But she wanted to put Johns fav scripture on her wrist. I did put my foot down and tell her no to that. But being 18 she can do what she wants. I felt it best to compromise with her. So i guess it will go on her shoulder. I just wish she would wait a few years and get some maturity behind her to be sure that this is really what she wants. I know she is hurting badly this season. She is the only one of the kids that mentioned john on her facebook....that she misses him. She is sad I can tell. Then in church yesterday morning at the end of the service Pastor had whoever wanted to come to the platform to sing the Hallelujah course. I put my hand on Hannah's leg because we both were thinking the same thing....daddy and she would go forward and sing it every year. She sat quietly and I noticed did not sing. Afterward she said, "Do you remember daddy and I would go up and sing with them every year?" I told her that i did, and i missed it too. Pray for my Hannah.

Rach and Isaac seem to be doing very well. Enjoying their gifts. I don't know what they are thinking....wish i did. Keep them in your prayers.

I don't know what this year holds. I am sure there are changes coming...Hannah going to College, my kids getting older.....what does God have in store this year. I am afraid, curious, scared, anxious, excited all at once....probably more scared than anything......

But this I know..i am where god wants me, i am in his care....we are loved by him..


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Tues Dec 21

Well Christmas bears down on us.

We are doing okay. Told my mom the other day I think we are "let's just get it over with mode". Kind of numb now.

We are all doing okay. I finally went out yesterday and shopped a little. I was at the mall and kind of had to giggle to myself...I thought,"Saundra, you have no idea what you have bought." It is true. I don't know what I have for whom. I just try to get something for everyone. I thought how things have so changed....i used to enjoy shopping at christmas.

I loved Pastors message Sunday morning. How I could relate to being in exile, and in the wilderness. Never looked at it like he pointed out. But the message really spoke to me.

I really appreciate the suppose I have recieved from my readers. I have really been hurt recently by comments on here and out and about that i need to move on. My favorite is that I choose to be this way. Wow. You know I have really progressed when you look at where I have come. The fact that I have a bad day,week, or month does not mean I am choosing to not go on...does not mean I am means I am having a bad day, week or month. Just like everyone else. BUT, the difference is that I am grieving...and it is harder to come back. And in fact, my doctor told me that it is harder and takes longer for loved ones who have lost someone to an accident, to get through the grieving process. Not to mention that everyone moves at their own speed.

Anyway..when I read the positive comments it really encouraged me. Thank you for reading, commenting and above all else..for is working....we, I am doing better.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Wed Dec 8, 2010

Thank you to each of you that has commented. I am glad that you could work thru your grief so well. But each has to wear their own shoes....each experiences differently and each grieves differently.....

The kids had their group grief counseling last night. I didn't go as that was what we had discussed as a family...and I had talked to the counselor and she felt the same way. Matthew is being so strong, such a man.....I talked with him before hand and told him that he would probably have to do a lot of talking to get the other kids talking...he said he had already thought of that. When he got there he text me and said, "Don't worry mama, I will take care of the have fun." I was at the staff christmas party. I felt guilt and was so proud at the same time. It was his birthday and there he was taking his bro and sisters to a grief counseling appt. It just didn't seem fair to me.

When they got home I asked him how it went...he said fine. I asked if the kids talked and he said they had. I didn't want to push. I think he wants this to be just for them. I have to accept it and step back. As hard as it is because you all know how I am a hands on mom.

We are all doing better. It is hard...but we have been spending more time together.

We did get our tree decorated. That was a comedy of errors. But after a week it is up...hannah posted a pic on her facebook. It made me glad to see that she did that...she was the one that told me she didn't want to get one...."don't waste the money" were her words.

Pray for the counselor to have wisdom....and the kids to be open. Pray for us to be happy and have a peace around us this month.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Saturday, Dec 4 2010

Are you just sick and tired of me pulling you down...sick of hearing my woes? I am too...yet this is my life right now. I want it to turn just won't. If I am standing in the way of that, then pray that the Lord help me.

Last night was probably the lonliest night ihave had in a long time. Rach and her party at church, Hannah her blessed friends (who I may say are stepping up...and I love them) and Matthew, Mark took Isaac to eat then they were in their room playing games.

Me...i sat in my recliner, then went to bed around 8. I am lucky I had medicine to take or it would and could have been worse. But I just put myself to sleep. I am tired of being lonely.

Sometimes I get mad at some of the ones that talk about all the fun things they did....where they went, ......and it makes me angry that they have some a fun life....carefree.....happy.....i had it once.....

I cried in the shower this morning...i want John. He completed my life. He was there for me. I didn't have to deal with all the things I am dealing with now. Bless his heart....i didn't know he dealt with so makes me love and appreciate him all the more.

Got a little further on the tree last more lights on....threw a bunch of ornamaments away that I just could not put up or look at. Course the kids weren't here so they don't know. The kids haven't put their ornaments up....they may not...whatever gets them through.

Just pray...


Friday, December 3, 2010

Friday Dec 3, 2010

Your comments moved me this morning. The prayers and support are what i needed to see this morning. I cried through my shower....i just needed to read those.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. Just like i did the laswt time. It won't go away; I think it is just my know.

I was reading facebook this morning and someone said it was someting like 2 weeks before christmas break and I actually got sick to the point of throwing up. I just dread it.

Friends, there is no life in this house. And I wish I had some life to put it in, to make it, but I can't even put life in it. It is no wonder the kids want to go places all the time.....

Pray that my stomach will allow me to eat. Hannah isnt eating well and she saw me not eating. She told me I needed to eat. I said if you eat I will eat. Neither of us ate. It feels like my stomach is tied into knots all the time. My mind is constantly racing.

Well....time to put on the mask and go to work.

Pray for us. Anything you know to pray about...pray.


Thursday, December 2, 2010

December 2, 2010 Thursday

The tree is up..still no decorations....nothing.....

Pray for hannah, her 2nd counseling appt is tonight.

I keep a mask on all the time now....i don't think anyone knows the the smile is only a turning up of my lips...nothing deeper

how i hold the tears in so know one really knows....not even the kids...not even those who think they know me

appointments, doctors, counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, ballgames, work, prescriptions, finances, friends, kids, housework, laundry, they all call for me...and i can no longer do it....

I feel myself crumbling,,,,,and i don't think anyone knows how bad.....only the responsiblitlity to my kids keep me alive


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

December 1, 2010 Wednesday

Well, as i typed in the date i thought "Oh just a little longer".

Hannah appt yesterday went great. I did get to sit in at the beginning and share some of my thoughts. It was good to hear Hannah say that she didn't want to hurt herself...she just wanted to cover her thoughts. She has been hurting for a long time. I feel like I should have known, guess I was wrapped up with my own pain to notice.

She really liked him as did i so I feel hopeful. She was called into the coaches office, she and I, and has been suspended for the first two games. I am in complete agreement with Coach and I think Hannah took it well. She also apologized to the girls after practice yesterday. The coach only suggested it but told her it was up to her...i was surprised she did it.

The psych asked me yesterday what i was hoping to gain from her seeing him and I said, "I just want my Hannah back." He asked her and she said, "I want to be happy again." Oh Lord hear that prayer,

I barely got back from the meeting with she and coach and I got a call from coach that she had hit her head against the wall in practice and had the signs of concussion and needed to be taken to emergency room immediately.

I almost passed out...I didn't know if i could do anything else. But I guess "MOM" cliicked in and I picked her up and we went. She seemed fine when I picked her up and even better the longer we sat in the waiting room. I called Joe the trainer and told him Marilyn was coming out, that Hannah did not have insurance (she is 18 now) and she was acting fine. He agreed that if Marilyn checked her out and felt she was fine she could go home.

Marilyn did and thought she was fine. She even went back to practice. That the Lord. I don't know if I could handle anything more!

I still feel overwhelmed...a bunch...i feel like I am auto pilot everyday. I can't remember anything half the time. It just keeps coming.

We put our tree up last night. Took us a while. Matthew and his friend Tim were trying their hardest and we just couldn't get it up. I called Jay and after a while we got it up. We didn't get it decorated. It was too late. I don't really feel like it. Hannah said she didn't. Matthew doesn't care. It is just too much. So, I told the kids I would put the lights on and then (they each have a box of ornamanets collected for THEM over the years) when each one has time to decorate with their ornaments they can. I just can't set a time is too thoughtful...i don't want to think about it. So once I get the lights on....they can do it as they please. I don't want it in here anyway....

It is so dark in our life really. I felt terrible for someone to see this...but Jeff and Sallye came over yesterday after their work. The lights were off, Matthew on one couch, Isaac on the other, me in recliner and the girls....I don't know. But that was the way it was. I guess that is how we all feel right now. Dark. Black. No life.

Pray for us. I told you I can' mind is so boggled that I can't even focus on what to pray for.....