Are you just sick and tired of me pulling you down...sick of hearing my woes? I am too...yet this is my life right now. I want it to turn around...it just won't. If I am standing in the way of that, then pray that the Lord help me.
Last night was probably the lonliest night ihave had in a long time. Rach and her party at church, Hannah her blessed friends (who I may say are stepping up...and I love them) and Matthew, Mark took Isaac to eat then they were in their room playing games.
Me...i sat in my recliner, then went to bed around 8. I am lucky I had medicine to take or it would and could have been worse. But I just put myself to sleep. I am tired of being lonely.
Sometimes I get mad at some of the ones that talk about all the fun things they did....where they went, ......and it makes me angry that they have some a fun life....carefree.....happy.....i had it once.....
I cried in the shower this morning...i want John. He completed my life. He was there for me. I didn't have to deal with all the things I am dealing with now. Bless his heart....i didn't know he dealt with so much...it makes me love and appreciate him all the more.
Got a little further on the tree last night....got more lights on....threw a bunch of ornamaments away that I just could not put up or look at. Course the kids weren't here so they don't know. The kids haven't put their ornaments up....they may not...whatever gets them through.
Just pray...
Saundra
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Friday Dec 3, 2010
Your comments moved me this morning. The prayers and support are what i needed to see this morning. I cried through my shower....i just needed to read those.
I have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. Just like i did the laswt time. It won't go away; I think it is just my nerves...worry...concerns..you know.
I was reading facebook this morning and someone said it was someting like 2 weeks before christmas break and I actually got sick to the point of throwing up. I just dread it.
Friends, there is no life in this house. And I wish I had some life to put it in, to make it, but I can't even put life in it. It is no wonder the kids want to go places all the time.....
Pray that my stomach will allow me to eat. Hannah isnt eating well and she saw me not eating. She told me I needed to eat. I said if you eat I will eat. Neither of us ate. It feels like my stomach is tied into knots all the time. My mind is constantly racing.
Well....time to put on the mask and go to work.
Pray for us. Anything you know to pray about...pray.
Saundra
I have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. Just like i did the laswt time. It won't go away; I think it is just my nerves...worry...concerns..you know.
I was reading facebook this morning and someone said it was someting like 2 weeks before christmas break and I actually got sick to the point of throwing up. I just dread it.
Friends, there is no life in this house. And I wish I had some life to put it in, to make it, but I can't even put life in it. It is no wonder the kids want to go places all the time.....
Pray that my stomach will allow me to eat. Hannah isnt eating well and she saw me not eating. She told me I needed to eat. I said if you eat I will eat. Neither of us ate. It feels like my stomach is tied into knots all the time. My mind is constantly racing.
Well....time to put on the mask and go to work.
Pray for us. Anything you know to pray about...pray.
Saundra
Thursday, December 2, 2010
December 2, 2010 Thursday
The tree is up..still no decorations....nothing.....
Pray for hannah, her 2nd counseling appt is tonight.
I keep a mask on all the time now....i don't think anyone knows the pain......how the smile is only a turning up of my lips...nothing deeper
how i hold the tears in so know one really knows....not even the kids...not even those who think they know me
appointments, doctors, counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, ballgames, work, prescriptions, finances, friends, kids, housework, laundry, they all call for me...and i can no longer do it....
I feel myself crumbling,,,,,and i don't think anyone knows how bad.....only the responsiblitlity to my kids keep me alive
pray
Pray for hannah, her 2nd counseling appt is tonight.
I keep a mask on all the time now....i don't think anyone knows the pain......how the smile is only a turning up of my lips...nothing deeper
how i hold the tears in so know one really knows....not even the kids...not even those who think they know me
appointments, doctors, counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, ballgames, work, prescriptions, finances, friends, kids, housework, laundry, they all call for me...and i can no longer do it....
I feel myself crumbling,,,,,and i don't think anyone knows how bad.....only the responsiblitlity to my kids keep me alive
pray
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
December 1, 2010 Wednesday
Well, as i typed in the date i thought "Oh just a little longer".
Hannah appt yesterday went great. I did get to sit in at the beginning and share some of my thoughts. It was good to hear Hannah say that she didn't want to hurt herself...she just wanted to cover her thoughts. She has been hurting for a long time. I feel like I should have known, guess I was wrapped up with my own pain to notice.
She really liked him as did i so I feel hopeful. She was called into the coaches office, she and I, and has been suspended for the first two games. I am in complete agreement with Coach and I think Hannah took it well. She also apologized to the girls after practice yesterday. The coach only suggested it but told her it was up to her...i was surprised she did it.
The psych asked me yesterday what i was hoping to gain from her seeing him and I said, "I just want my Hannah back." He asked her and she said, "I want to be happy again." Oh Lord hear that prayer,
I barely got back from the meeting with she and coach and I got a call from coach that she had hit her head against the wall in practice and had the signs of concussion and needed to be taken to emergency room immediately.
I almost passed out...I didn't know if i could do anything else. But I guess "MOM" cliicked in and I picked her up and we went. She seemed fine when I picked her up and even better the longer we sat in the waiting room. I called Joe the trainer and told him Marilyn was coming out, that Hannah did not have insurance (she is 18 now) and she was acting fine. He agreed that if Marilyn checked her out and felt she was fine she could go home.
Marilyn did and thought she was fine. She even went back to practice. That the Lord. I don't know if I could handle anything more!
I still feel overwhelmed...a bunch...i feel like I am auto pilot everyday. I can't remember anything half the time. It just keeps coming.
We put our tree up last night. Took us a while. Matthew and his friend Tim were trying their hardest and we just couldn't get it up. I called Jay and after a while we got it up. We didn't get it decorated. It was too late. I don't really feel like it. Hannah said she didn't. Matthew doesn't care. It is just too much. So, I told the kids I would put the lights on and then (they each have a box of ornamanets collected for THEM over the years) when each one has time to decorate with their ornaments they can. I just can't set a time aside...it is too thoughtful...i don't want to think about it. So once I get the lights on....they can do it as they please. I don't want it in here anyway....
It is so dark in our house...no life really. I felt terrible for someone to see this...but Jeff and Sallye came over yesterday after their work. The lights were off, Matthew on one couch, Isaac on the other, me in recliner and the girls....I don't know. But that was the way it was. I guess that is how we all feel right now. Dark. Black. No life.
Pray for us. I told you I can't...my mind is so boggled that I can't even focus on what to pray for.....
Saundra
Hannah appt yesterday went great. I did get to sit in at the beginning and share some of my thoughts. It was good to hear Hannah say that she didn't want to hurt herself...she just wanted to cover her thoughts. She has been hurting for a long time. I feel like I should have known, guess I was wrapped up with my own pain to notice.
She really liked him as did i so I feel hopeful. She was called into the coaches office, she and I, and has been suspended for the first two games. I am in complete agreement with Coach and I think Hannah took it well. She also apologized to the girls after practice yesterday. The coach only suggested it but told her it was up to her...i was surprised she did it.
The psych asked me yesterday what i was hoping to gain from her seeing him and I said, "I just want my Hannah back." He asked her and she said, "I want to be happy again." Oh Lord hear that prayer,
I barely got back from the meeting with she and coach and I got a call from coach that she had hit her head against the wall in practice and had the signs of concussion and needed to be taken to emergency room immediately.
I almost passed out...I didn't know if i could do anything else. But I guess "MOM" cliicked in and I picked her up and we went. She seemed fine when I picked her up and even better the longer we sat in the waiting room. I called Joe the trainer and told him Marilyn was coming out, that Hannah did not have insurance (she is 18 now) and she was acting fine. He agreed that if Marilyn checked her out and felt she was fine she could go home.
Marilyn did and thought she was fine. She even went back to practice. That the Lord. I don't know if I could handle anything more!
I still feel overwhelmed...a bunch...i feel like I am auto pilot everyday. I can't remember anything half the time. It just keeps coming.
We put our tree up last night. Took us a while. Matthew and his friend Tim were trying their hardest and we just couldn't get it up. I called Jay and after a while we got it up. We didn't get it decorated. It was too late. I don't really feel like it. Hannah said she didn't. Matthew doesn't care. It is just too much. So, I told the kids I would put the lights on and then (they each have a box of ornamanets collected for THEM over the years) when each one has time to decorate with their ornaments they can. I just can't set a time aside...it is too thoughtful...i don't want to think about it. So once I get the lights on....they can do it as they please. I don't want it in here anyway....
It is so dark in our house...no life really. I felt terrible for someone to see this...but Jeff and Sallye came over yesterday after their work. The lights were off, Matthew on one couch, Isaac on the other, me in recliner and the girls....I don't know. But that was the way it was. I guess that is how we all feel right now. Dark. Black. No life.
Pray for us. I told you I can't...my mind is so boggled that I can't even focus on what to pray for.....
Saundra
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