Please remember as you read this....this is my voice....this is getting things off my chest......just a way for you to know how to pray for me......(and I really need to talk right now...and have someone listen)
....Not a good day.
Got up and had devotions. Learned to say the word "Jesus" when I am afraid, worried, etc....Just speak His name and He will draw closer.
But it was hard to live it today....
Went for a bike ride. Good ride. I decided to go to cemetery before going home. I took my pebble and went and knelt in front of the memorial stone. Then it started. The tears that I had bottled up all week. It just seemed like everywhere I turned this week I was needed. I had no time for myself...no time to think, no time for anything. I just ran, ran, ran. Or worked out in the yard on things that really needed to be done..(so can't say it was fun!) It seemed like the kids...all of them were needy this week. I just felt overwhelmed.
So, I cried and told John all about it. Then, layed my pebble down and left the cemetery...but not my feeling of being overwhelmed. (by the way...to those of you who leave pebbles when you visit.....I so much appreciate seeing them grow when I visit. It just gives me such joy to know he is not forgotten!) Thank you.
Got home and was told by my two oldest that the plans I had made for family time would not happen because they had made other plans. My heart broke. I was looking so forward to it.
Then, I have tried to place some restrictions on Isaac in playing his PS3. I found him up at 2:00 a.m. playing this morning. So I told him he couldn't play it today (Saturday). Well, when I thought he was sleeping in late, I found out he had been playing all along. So, I took his tv out of his room. Well, that started a major angry outburst.
He broke my heart when he said that I never did anything with him. That all I do is things with Rachel and Hannah. I try so hard to spend time with each of them. I try, I try, I try.
When he said that....everything crashed. I could not take it. I felt useless, helpless and of no value. I just wanted to run, run and not turn back.
I don't know...tonight I don't feel so good about myself as a mother....a caregiver. Anything right now.
Probably just a moment....probably will pass. But not feeling good right now. I miss John. His arms around me, telling me to go to bed...he will take care of everything. And knowing that in the morning...everything will be alright again. But, now, I know it won''t be. He is still gone...I am still on my own.
I told a friend the other day....being a single/widowed/mom is a very lonely existence. You just don't fit anywhere. Not really in your kids lives...they have their friends. Not in your friends lives anymore....I have been away from them so long...because I don't have time for a social life....or I am too afraid to leave my kids, that they have moved on to other people who meet that "friend" need. You don't fit into that "whole family" picture anymore....if you go to a gathering where the whole family is invited....I feel out of place. It's a couple's world for me....except I am no longer a couple.
So, where do I belong? No where. No where.....