I asked the kids to go to church as a whole family yesterday. It felt so good. I felt somewhat complete. I know it won't last. They will each want to go to a different service, sit with friends....etc.....but it felt so good....to me.....to have them there beside me.
I find myself wanting to be with them all the time. I know that is okay. But they aren't exactly into that. Each wanting to do their own thing.
Pastor Chris was in our ss class yesterday. I just couldn't get past how hurting Hannah is. I could hardly listen to what was being said. You know how it is....your child hurts....you hurt even worse. That is where I am now. Except it seems so much worse because I hurt for each of my kids.
Rach so precious came in the other night and gave me $3 of what was left of her allowance and said she wanted to help pay for presents for the other kids. She is hurting so badly now. She used to be so bubbly....and I think this thing with Hannah, and yes....even the sadness and tears I have cried, have finally got to her. She is sleeping with me, and last night, as it was just she and I here, she came and sat on my lap for a long time. She wants to hug all the time...and just hold on. She went to ss class with me, which surprised me because she loves her ss class and friends. But I know she is so lost right now.
Hannah has her counseling appt tomorrow night, and that Wed morning she has her psych appt. I will make an appt for the 4 kids together to meet with a grief counselor as soon as possible. Then I have to make mine....and I dread it....i know it is going to be heart wrenching. I am even considering putting off mine until after christmas....i feel like i am overwhelmed as it is trying to get the kids to their appts, basketball games and other things that I can't add another thing to my schedule.
Not looking forward to going to school today. I have so many there that I know love me and pray for me. That even when I look into their eyes I know they love me and I just want to fall into their arms and say "Help". I just want to fall apart. Just because I know they care.....just because I need that hug......So I know that today and possibly the weeks to come before christmas....i will be holding tears in all day at school....that is so hard. AND I want to be happy in front of the students.....there is just so much to hold onto.....and I have to hold it all in......
Pray for the kids. Pray that the grief counselors, the psych dr for hannah, that they all have wisdom into the kids hearts and minds. That they have the words to help them....to help them into the future and out of the past.
Be with me........pray for God to be with me. I can't pray, I can't read his word....I just can't. I feel lost, disoriented, and just at a loss.
Thanks for your prayers and love,
And thanks for letting me rattle on and on....it really helps