Monday, December 27, 2010

Monday December 27, 2010

Well we made it. I felt like if we could make it through Christmas we were good.

Christmas shopping was very hard for me. Doing it alone just added to my pain. I feel like i did a terrible job shopping because I felt like I was just a zombie in the stores. Not knowing what I was buying, for whom I was buying etc....there were no lists, no rhyme or reason to my shopping. Sure enough I did get enough and left Rach out a gift. She understood. But I still felt badly about it.

The Christmas Eve service was nothing less than torture for me. As we sang songs all i could do was hear Johns voice beside me. He loved to sing the songs...carols...and you all know what a beautiful voice he had. That beautiful mellow base. I longed to hear it. Christmas was HIS time...he loved the season.

Matthew was so ultra sensitive to me. Thank God that he does have a tender heart. He would just hug me...or come look for me when I would come up missing. I am sure he was afraid I was off crying some where. He put together the "santa" gifts for me...something John would do while i filled the stockings. I know, I know it was hard on him. I know he felt like he was filling big shoes...but he was such a "grown" up doing the things he did...eating santa's cookies for Rach, putting things out for santa....i am so proud of him.

Christmas morning was hard.. John always played Santa....again Matthew stepped up. Handing gifts out. We had a good morning but there was a quietness in the air.....not mentioned...but we all knew the what the other was feeling and thinking.

I really, really appreciate all the encouragement I have received from you on here. I sometimes just get on to read the last 5 or 6 comments just know I am alright.

Pray for Hannah. The meds that she is taking is causing her not to eat. So I am taking them away until we see the psych dr. next week. As you know she can't afford to lose weight although she thinks she needs to . Also, I know it is instigated from a friend, but she is getting a tattoo. It breaks my heart more than she could ever know. I don't think she is old enough to make that decision yet. But she wanted to put Johns fav scripture on her wrist. I did put my foot down and tell her no to that. But being 18 she can do what she wants. I felt it best to compromise with her. So i guess it will go on her shoulder. I just wish she would wait a few years and get some maturity behind her to be sure that this is really what she wants. I know she is hurting badly this season. She is the only one of the kids that mentioned john on her facebook....that she misses him. She is sad I can tell. Then in church yesterday morning at the end of the service Pastor had whoever wanted to come to the platform to sing the Hallelujah course. I put my hand on Hannah's leg because we both were thinking the same thing....daddy and she would go forward and sing it every year. She sat quietly and I noticed did not sing. Afterward she said, "Do you remember daddy and I would go up and sing with them every year?" I told her that i did, and i missed it too. Pray for my Hannah.

Rach and Isaac seem to be doing very well. Enjoying their gifts. I don't know what they are thinking....wish i did. Keep them in your prayers.

I don't know what this year holds. I am sure there are changes coming...Hannah going to College, my kids getting older.....what does God have in store this year. I am afraid, curious, scared, anxious, excited all at once....probably more scared than anything......

But this I know..i am where god wants me, i am in his care....we are loved by him..

Saundra

10 comments:

phylis said...

Again, so thankful to read a new post. It gives me a connection to you and let's me keep my prayers fresh for your family. We prayed, hurt and thought of you all often through this past week. WHATEVER this year brings, as you know, ultimately GOD will take care of you all. HE desires so much to have good for you and the kids.

Love you soooo much....
Phylis

Anonymous said...

I too thought of you and prayed for you the past week. God has been, is, and always will be with you. You have come a long way and he will guide you where ever life takes you in the future
In my prayers, Pat

Jenhomemom said...

You all are on my heart. Been praying for you all duri g this time. Remember to take things day by day. God is caring you through... Lamentations 3:21-25

Jennifer Bellah

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I don't know if this will help or not but I thought I'd share my thoughts about the tatoo. It sounds like she really just wants to do it as a remembrance for her daddy. Try not to think of it as a bad thing. (Kayla would poke fun at me if she knew I was saying that to you because we've had tattoo discussions at our house too! Haha) Anyway, those are so common now and especially a scripture reference -it isn't the worst thing she could be doing. :) Just try to be okay with it and understand how it might make her feel closer to John. I hope you don't feel this is out of line. Just trying to see it from her perspective. I've been praying for you!! I'm glad you made it through Christmas okay.

Love you!
Donetta

Anonymous said...

I am praising God for bringing you through these holidays.

About the tattoo....maybe it would be helpful for Hannah to understand John's feelings about tattoos. If she is wanting to get a tattoo in honor of John, maybe it would be helpful for her to know what John thought about tattoos.

Praying God will give you great discernment in this matter.

Anonymous said...

Saundra! Saundra! You probably have no idea how well you're doing! I am in awe of how you have navigated the past year. You're my "she-ro"!!!!!!! Janet :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Saundra,
I keep checking in to see how you and your children are doing.I don't know their ages, but it sounds like there may be a couple who are approaching young adulthood.

Today at church there was a man who had several tattoos. There was a picture of him and his 2 brothers and one of his brother who has died kissing his son. They were well done and I thought precious. It's like having a photograph with you all the time.

If there is ever anything specific you would like me to remember in prayer, please send be a FB message. It would be my privilege.
Blessings,
JoRea

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
It has been a really long time since I read any of your blog. I just got out of the habit and felt so sad each time I read it. I want to tell you how sorry I am that I let you down in your hour of need. Nothing I have ever been through in my life can possibly compare to what you are enduring on a daily basis. I just want you to know that I am re-pledging to pray for you guys. I am sorry for your pain and how hard this year has been. I am glad that you have found counselors to help. You don't have to always have a brave face and you don't owe ANYONE an explanation for your grieving process. Take care of yourself and your precious kids. Next time I see you I am hugging you AND buying you a candy bar!!
Love you,
Kori Bussert

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
It has been a really long time since I read any of your blog. I just got out of the habit and felt so sad each time I read it. I want to tell you how sorry I am that I let you down in your hour of need. Nothing I have ever been through in my life can possibly compare to what you are enduring on a daily basis. I just want you to know that I am re-pledging to pray for you guys. I am sorry for your pain and how hard this year has been. I am glad that you have found counselors to help. You don't have to always have a brave face and you don't owe ANYONE an explanation for your grieving process. Take care of yourself and your precious kids. Next time I see you I am hugging you AND buying you a candy bar!!
Love you,
Kori Bussert

todd said...

Hi Saundra,
It has been over two years since your last post, and I was wondering where you are now, how your children are, and how your life has gone. I send you prayers and virtual support, and best wishes for a happy and healthy life. I hope you have it!
Best,
Todd