Monday December 27, 2010

Well we made it. I felt like if we could make it through Christmas we were good.

Christmas shopping was very hard for me. Doing it alone just added to my pain. I feel like i did a terrible job shopping because I felt like I was just a zombie in the stores. Not knowing what I was buying, for whom I was buying etc....there were no lists, no rhyme or reason to my shopping. Sure enough I did get enough and left Rach out a gift. She understood. But I still felt badly about it.

The Christmas Eve service was nothing less than torture for me. As we sang songs all i could do was hear Johns voice beside me. He loved to sing the songs...carols...and you all know what a beautiful voice he had. That beautiful mellow base. I longed to hear it. Christmas was HIS time...he loved the season.

Matthew was so ultra sensitive to me. Thank God that he does have a tender heart. He would just hug me...or come look for me when I would come up missing. I am sure he was afraid I was off crying some where. He put together the "santa" gifts for me...something John would do while i filled the stockings. I know, I know it was hard on him. I know he felt like he was filling big shoes...but he was such a "grown" up doing the things he did...eating santa's cookies for Rach, putting things out for santa....i am so proud of him.

Christmas morning was hard.. John always played Santa....again Matthew stepped up. Handing gifts out. We had a good morning but there was a quietness in the air.....not mentioned...but we all knew the what the other was feeling and thinking.

I really, really appreciate all the encouragement I have received from you on here. I sometimes just get on to read the last 5 or 6 comments just know I am alright.

Pray for Hannah. The meds that she is taking is causing her not to eat. So I am taking them away until we see the psych dr. next week. As you know she can't afford to lose weight although she thinks she needs to . Also, I know it is instigated from a friend, but she is getting a tattoo. It breaks my heart more than she could ever know. I don't think she is old enough to make that decision yet. But she wanted to put Johns fav scripture on her wrist. I did put my foot down and tell her no to that. But being 18 she can do what she wants. I felt it best to compromise with her. So i guess it will go on her shoulder. I just wish she would wait a few years and get some maturity behind her to be sure that this is really what she wants. I know she is hurting badly this season. She is the only one of the kids that mentioned john on her facebook....that she misses him. She is sad I can tell. Then in church yesterday morning at the end of the service Pastor had whoever wanted to come to the platform to sing the Hallelujah course. I put my hand on Hannah's leg because we both were thinking the same thing....daddy and she would go forward and sing it every year. She sat quietly and I noticed did not sing. Afterward she said, "Do you remember daddy and I would go up and sing with them every year?" I told her that i did, and i missed it too. Pray for my Hannah.

Rach and Isaac seem to be doing very well. Enjoying their gifts. I don't know what they are thinking....wish i did. Keep them in your prayers.

I don't know what this year holds. I am sure there are changes coming...Hannah going to College, my kids getting older.....what does God have in store this year. I am afraid, curious, scared, anxious, excited all at once....probably more scared than anything......

But this I know..i am where god wants me, i am in his care....we are loved by him..

Saundra