Saturday, November 28, 2009

Saturday Nov 28

I'm lonely. With the exception of my parents, the rest of my family have left. Just the chaos kept my mind preoccupied. What is fearful for me is that soon it will be very quiet around me. I hate quietness right now...it makes my mind wonder.

Sometimes I don't know what to think....maybe even how to think. I take one minute at a time.

Rachel asked me when we were going to buy our Christmas tree. I have the faintest idea how to do that. We would go as a family, pick it out, and bring it home. John would cut of the end, put it in a bucket of water over night. The next day we would put it up. He was the light guy. He put the lights on the tree as well as the star. I don't know if I can do it. Honestly...Id skip it if I could.

My challenge for today is to go to the house and clean up the mess that we made yesterday putting his things in boxes. The boxes have been put in the garage. But there were quite a few golf shirts that ended up piled on my bed that Matthew wanted to keep. Then there is a pile of this, and that......So I know the bed is full of clothing needing to be put in his closet. I also want to spread my clothes around in the closet so it doesn't look so empty.

God sustains me. That is all there is to it. I am a perfect example of God's Grace. When I have my doubts, fears etc...I look to God's Grace. He is merciful.

I probably sound like I am rambling....well welcome to my mind. That is exactly how I feel.

My prayer requests for today are:
Peace for me through out the day...when I have to do things I don't want to do
Peace for each of my children
Strength to lift my head, and take that first step
Wisdom to do what is best for my children and myself.

Somebody once told me that in every one of God's Children have to go through the wilderness. Things are going well...no problems...happy as can be. Then something happens....and we are in the wilderness.....but as we look up we see that God is there...guiding us through the wilderness. Then, suddenly, miraculously we are out again. All by miracles, all by God's hand...all we have to do is look up...he does the rest.

Well, I am in the wilderness..sometimes it is hard for me to hold my head up....and believe. Believe for me.....
that is where you, my friends, family, everyone who reads this can do for me. Believe for me. Hold your head up......

I apologize if it seems I ramble....welcome to the inside of my brain. Everyday.

Well, Rach is calling for help....

Thanks for reading, thanks for praying.

I love you all,
Saundra

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

I am so glad you are writing out your thoughts and prayer requests. Our hearts are still so heavy for you and all the family. We are committed to cover you and your kids in prayer. Your mom told me that John had taught you a lot about being strong and look at you, you've made it through these first days. You are so loved. I am praying for you right now!!!

Love,

Lisa Lang

Anonymous said...

"Day by Day and with each passing moment---strength I find meet my trials here"

Will & Karis Stemen said...

I am holding my head high for you. May God hold yours when you are to weak and may He carry you when you have no strength to take a step.

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
Please continue to "ramble" as you call it...I am sure there are so many people checking in daily to see how you are doing (like me). When you share your thoughts, whatever order they come out, it helps us to know how to pray for you for that day.

Pat said...

Saundra, don't rush anything, let time and God take care of you and your kids.
I lost my husband 10 years ago, it is so difficult and it may be a year or more before you feel like the sun has come out again. We had to start new traditions for the holidays.
I pray that you find peace when you go back to your home where you have so many wonderful memories, those special memories will also help you each day. Continue to take one minute at a time, God is with you.
Love, Pat

phylis said...

Saundra, It seems like every minute of every day you and the kids are brought to my heart. Even today I wondered, as Rachel did, about your old and new traditions for Christmas. We lift you up continuously...We BELIEVE IN YOU! So many times, I remember you being an encourager to me, reminding me of God's guidance and wisdom. You are stronger than you think! Prayers will continue for you and the kids. I know you said you are rambling....well, rambling or not it helps me to know how to be a prayer warrior for you when I read your blogs. Please continue. You are SO loved and your family is precious to us. Phylis and the kids

Mindy said...

Saundra,

I just wanted to tell you how much you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers. I literally wake up in the middle of the night thinking about you and I take it as a reminder from the Lord to lift you in prayer. I am praying for you, for strength, for hope, for peace.

Love,
Mindy Brooks

Kristie said...

Saundra, again, thank you for the specific prayer requests. It helps those of us who aren't quite sure what else we can do.

geronjanet said...

Hi Saundra --

I read your blog today and the part about the Christmas tree and lights reminded me of Geron. He does this for our family. He would like to do it for your family this year. I tried to call, but there wasn't and answer, so call us when you get a chance and Geron will be there!

Take Care --

Janet Daugherty

Becky Beals said...

Saundra:

You do not know me but I have been praying for you. My husband passed away last January. I can so relate to what you write. I am praying for you. God IS faithful and He DOES carry us when we cannot see how we will EVER make it. Aimee Dillard told you about the quilts my church made for me out of my husband's clothes. They have been an incredible gift of love. May God give you as much grace and mercy as you need to make it through the long minutes of your days.

I am praying,

Becky Beals
(cousin-in-law to Kevin and Pam Beals)

Anonymous said...

If you want to start new tradition, you could go get a pre-light Christmas tree

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you guys!!

Chad Cochran

Anonymous said...

Hey Saundra! I keep being reminded that I would not be the same had I not been married to Valerie for so many years - and definitely for the better!!In the same way, John developed into the man he was because he took life's path with you and his Lord. Likewise, you have been changed because of your time with him and God's mercy. So the legacy John built was built not by John alone, but by John and Saundra, through the path you have taken and enabled by the grace of God. May God continue to give you the strength to build upon that legacy of grace of peace you and John forged together. Will keep praying for you,Matthew, Hannah, Isaac, and Rachel! David L.

Anonymous said...

Saundra, it is hard to know what to say. I have tried to think about what it would be like to be in your position, but when I try to imagine it, my brain won't even go there. I CAN identify with Matthew as I was in college when my dad died unexpectantly. I sent him a private facebook that I hope helps some. Don't worry about your "ramblings" as it helps me know how to specifically pray. Know that I am praying everyday, several times a day, for you and your family. God will be your strength, He will never leave or abandon you or your children. He IS faithful.
Lisa Hopkins

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

I think of you and your children everyday, continuously. My prayers are continuing to go out for you all. It is true that when the busyness and crowds are gone it is the hardest and lonliest. Besides God it will be your children that keep you going. Remember that God's priority seems to be the orphan and widow. He will continue to carry you. I'm really praying that as you get re-adjusted to your home, that you and your children will find a renewed peace and comfort there. That the Holy Spirits presence will so saturate the place that you and the children will be totally amazed! And as someone else said, don't feel like you need to get in a hurry with all the stuff. Some get rid of it quickly and for others it just takes time. Timing for you will be your time and it is OK. There will be different grieving stages too that sometimes go back and forth and it seems that numbness and rambling is just part of it, so don't even worry about that, just talk and get whatever your feeling out because it is part of recovering. Lora and I (Wendy Vaughn) continue to send our Love and Prayers and are so Thankful for your updates. We Love You and Your children very much! We are and will be forever on your team!

Anonymous said...

Jesus loves you - and Matthew, and Hannah, and Isaac, and Rachel - this I know!
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones (and us grown-ups too!) to Him belong.
We are weak, but HE is strong!
His strength is perfect...

Thank you for sharing, Saundra. Lifting you up right now!
Love, Becky

Anonymous said...

Hi Saundra,
I spoke with you last night. The verses I wanted to share with you were
Isaiah 33:2 O Lord, be gracious to the Griffis family. They long for you. Be their strength every morning,
their salvation in time of distress.
vs. 6 He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation (deliverance, victory) and wisdom and knowledge (perception, understanding) The fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure.
May God bless you with with His comfort. We are praying for you,
Debbie Rains

Anonymous said...

My dear friend,

Thank you for opening up your heart to us. You are ministering to so many at this time of your suffering and I want to thank you for that. I am amazed at your strength, your courage, and your commitment to your family's legacy. I know it's not easy but know that you are loved, cherished, and prayed for constantly. I thank GOD everyday for you and your sweet family.

There is a Casting Crown song that I listen to often to sustain me and I wanted to pass along some of the lyrics to you.

Praise You in This Storm
"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth"


As for traditions, make some new ones, keep some old ones, and mold some together from the past and the future. John's legacy lives on through you and your beautiful children. We should all make John's loving characteristics a part of our celebration/remembrance this holiday season and a part of our day to day walk.

Much Love!

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
I know we aren't close friends, but I want you to know that I think/pray for you, the kids, and all your family and your close friends that are in this grieving process.
I am here if you want to talk. Even though I haven't gone thru what you are going thru, I still feel your pain.
I told Brad a day or so after the funeral, that I was concerned for you guys when things go back to "normal"....when all those that were here would be gone. That's when I knew it would be the hardest for you guys.
We have such a loving God, who is with you/kids and family, and will give you the peace/comfort and most of all the confidence to hold you head up.
2 Corn. 12:8b-9, 10B -
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But HE said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness". Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. For when I am weak, then I am strong. AMEN!!! Trinda

Cindy Eastman said...

Dearest Saundra,
I think of you every hour of every day. I'm so glad you're writing down your feelings and sharing them with those of us who love your and your family. The Eastman's are praying for you, Matthew, Hannah, Isaac, and Rachel, as well as the rest of your family and John's family. I'm so proud of how far you've come. God will contunue to hold you up in the days and weeks to come, I'm certain. What a beautiful service that was on Monday. It truly showed what an amazing person John was. He has touched the lives of SO many!!! Rick and I count it a privilege to have called you friends :) Our lunch date with you and John a few short weeks ago will always be a special memory. I'm lifting you up daily in prayer.
Love you, Cindy Eastman

tamsam29 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tamsam29 said...

Saundra,
It was good to get to hug you today. I miss you in our school. You, like John, were always a bright spot in my day. I know your days are dim now, that the wilderness seems to thick. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers day and night. I pray for you the strength for each new day, and the challenges you face. I pray you can find the strength to see your way through this wilderness you are in, and find God's strength to help you through.

I am here for you, in prayer, or any other thing you may need.
Much Love,
Tammy

Todd said...

Saundra,
You are in my prayers dear friend.
Todd
562-0748

tammy said...

Ramble all you want Saun.. We love YOU!! Its not rambling... your speaking from your heart and we want to know so we can pray what you need for us to pray. THere might be days you just don't know what to say and thats ok. Just know that we are here for you! Everyone who reads this and many others... You ARE LOVED AND PRAYED FOR!

Stefunkc said...

Oh Saundra, don't ever apologize for rambling. Your blog is the place to let all the thoughts in your mind spill out. I am so glad that you are doing this for yourself and for all of us who want to know how you're feeling and what to specifically pray for. You are still being lifted in prayers from our family.

Callie said...

Saundra,

I dont know if you know us or not, but we are good friends of Jonny and Jessica. We have been praying for you guys on a constant basis since Jessica called me the morning of the accident. I am so glad that you are writing... it helps us all to know how to pray for you and the kids.
Just know there are a lot of people thinking and praying.
Please continue let us know how to pray for you guys... and know that if you need anything we are here for you.

Much love,
Callie & Gerod Black

Anonymous said...

Dear Saundra,

my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
You do not know me, my husband and John were best friends when they were school kids, they played a lot together. I saw you and your beautiful kids at the funeral, and have been thinking and praying for you ever since. I can only emagine how hard it is for you and the kids, and only God can give you piece. I do pray for that right now. Please, know, if you need someone to talk to, or to cry with other than your family mambers, to pray with, and any kind of help, please let me know. My name is Kristine and my cell phone # is 822- 4934.
Love in Christ,
Kristine