Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Tuesday, Dec 1 (I think)

I am sorry I haven't blogged lately. Trying to move in and get as settled as possible has taken my time away from here.

I have read all of your responses and I appreciate each and every one of them. Many touched me. Ms. Rains, I appreciate the verse. A lady once told me to pray the scriptures....and as I read the scripture you gave me....I claimed that as a prayer for my family. As I pray this prayer...I would love for each and every one of you to pray the same....with our names in it. Personalize it.

Someone who wanted to remain anonymous quoted a song....I loved it. It is my cry and prayer. They said it was by Casting Crowns. I would love to have that song if anyone knows where I can get it.

Things here are okay. The kids and I sleep on the mattresses on the floor each night...holding one another. Matthew does well in his room...but I sometimes wonder how he REALLY is doing. He doesn't talk much as most of you know. So pray for him to find a special someone to share with.

As we were cleaning the house a bit yesterday I ran across some letters/poems that John wrote to me. It just made my heart break all the more. He was a poem and letter writer. I have two that he wrote in the last 6 months. As I read them and cried I wondered...did I show him enough love? Did he know how much I really loved him? I only can pray that he did. He was so good to me. I don't think I was ever good enough for him. I should have hugged him more, showed him more love......my mind and heart goes on of how much more I could have given him. I was selfish....and now it is too late.

My mom and dad along with the kids went to by the Hallmark ornaments that we traditionally buy. It was the saddest thing. Isaac knew right away what he wanted. He always bought the football player or baseball player...Hannah is doing a series so she bought her series. But little Rach....so sad....always had daddy help her pick hers. She started to cry and told me how she missed him. I am at a loss of words to her. I don't know what to say. We picked up several that she liked (one being a golfer) I knew why she picked that. You do too...her daddy was a golfer. But I also knew she like the little bear one. We let her look and ponder for 30 minutes. Hannah went to talk with her and they finally come out with the bear. I don't know how they came to that conclusion, but they did. But...I could tell Rach was soooooo hurting.

Going back to the letter that I found. As I was crying and reading them Hannah came up to me and asked why I was crying. I showed her a funny poem that John had written for me. She cried and laughed with me...then we both broke down and stood and held each other. Then she asked the question that I have asked time and again..."Why Mommy?" "WHY?". I could'nt answer. My dad came over and held us both and tried to comfort us as best he could. But WHY?

I appreciate the offer to get the tree for us. But I think this has to be something the kids have to do. It will be so hard...John always made it fun...as he did all things. But, I really feel it has to be done by us.

The lights....I don't know if we will put them on the house this year. Honestly, I am scared to have anyone get on my roof. That is something I find also...I am terrified to let the kids do anything. When Matthew goes with his friends...I am literally shaking until I see him walk in the door again.

There are still so many things to tie us with all of this. I have a great team of Godly gentlemen who are guiding me. I would like you to pray for wisdom for them. John did almost everything for our family. I am lost without him....in so many ways.

Many of you have told me that you appreciate my specific prayer requests and I appreciate that I know you are reading this and praying them...so here they are.

Peace...for all of us
My mom and dad have to go back sometime. Prayer that it will be an easy transition for the kids and myself.
Calm....I need to feel an inner calm that I can't seem to find.
Quietness of my mind. It is going 100 miles an hour. I can't remember where I put this, or who said what.
Sleep
God's presence in this house. It isn't home to me with John. Help it to become my home again
God's presence all around me and the kids
Wisdom in all that I face..financial, questions from the kids, daily duties and responsibilities....

I also need to tell you that the kids and I went to BMS and BHS yesterday. The teachers and the principals and working with the kids allowing them to come back a little at a time when they feel ready. That was an answer to prayer. Rach and Isaac will have me in school with them. So I worry about Hannah. She doesn't want to go. I told her that if I had to I would divide myself between them until she feel comfortable.

ALso, Isaac wants nothing to do with basketball right now. I know that he and John played together alot. Pray that he get that desire again. We told him that if he just wanted to go practice with the guys in the morning then come home he could...but he didn't want to.

I started to thank you people who have helped the Lord, listened to his voice to help carry us through this....but I am afraid I might forget someone. Just know....I would'nt be where I am today with out you. And I hope this doesn't sound bad...but please..never leave me. Sometimes, as one person mentioned in the blog.....when things settle....they leave....please don't leave. I, we, need you.

Love,
Saundra

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am still listening to what you write, and praying that all of you find the peace you are needing. I pray it will be very soon. You can't rush the healing it takes time. Each person will heal at a different pace. Trust in the Lord, he will see you through. "One Day at A Time Sweet Jesus" is what went through my head when I was going through the grief after the loss of my husband. Love you All!

Kristie said...

Saundra, there is a phrase (that I personally resent, but I do think it works ....) "new normal". Not a normal you asked for, and certainly not a normal that you want, but I truly believe you and the kids will find your "new normal". Who knows how long it will take? I'm grateful you have such friends, and family, and faith, to see you through. I woke up at 5am this morning and prayed specifically for your family ... for each of your children, and for you. Thank you for letting us help in that way. Know you are never far from my thoughts ....

Anonymous said...

Here's a poem that I found helpful:



Falling Apart

by Eloise Cole




I seem to be falling apart.

My attention span can be
Measured in seconds.
My patience in minutes.
I cry at the drop of a hat.
I forget things constantly.
The morning toast burns daily.
I forget to sign the checks.
Half of everything in the house
is misplaced.
Feelings of anxiety and
restlessness
are my constant companions.
Rainy days seem extra dreary.
Sunny days seem an outrage.
Other people’s pain and
frustration seem insignificant.
Laughing, happy people seem
out of place in my world.
It has become routine to feel
half crazy.
I am normal I am told.
I am a newly grieving person.

Anonymous said...

Nothing Is a solice in this time except for one single thing....As Christians we try to live for Christ and in his service and we often fail. But the grace he provides and the Mercy provided by his own death for us leaves us the goal to one day stand in his presence and bask in his glory. We don't know when or where, but that is our destination. John is there, smiling and singing with all of those who have gone before us.... Wow I can see your mind working and I praise God that he IS guiding you, sometimes we ask for the patience of Job, thinking our trials are too tough to overcome but through it all GOD is there, through friends, family and people you have never met. And THAT is where we draw our strength! So lean on those HE has put around you, post here, ask for prayer, and remember, John is reaping the rewards that Jesus paid for, and someday we will see John again, and understand why he was the man he was while he was here, it was to glorify our creator and to one day end up right where he is...sitting at the feet of Jesus! I was crying while reading your post. I have never met you, but God has a plan I will continue to lift you and the kids up, for some reason God has burdened me so much with this, Godbless!! Jeff Adams-Enid

Tollya said...

Saundra - I loved spending time with Rachel Saturday. It was good to see her laugh and play with Bethany.
Our family is still praying for all of you. Even our youngest (Brooklyn-she's 4) prays every day that "Rachel and her family will not be sad."
Thanks for writing your thoughts here - it helps me to pray specifically for each of you. I pray with the girls each day before I drop them off at school - this morning I prayed for your peace. I will continue to offer that prayer.

Love and prayers....Tollya

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
I can't even begin to imagine how you or the kids are feeling, and really there are not any words that can make it better. However, I know that we serve a compassionate and loving God that meets us exactly where we need Him. Hold onto Him with every step you take and know that I am lifting you and those precious kids up in prayer many, many, many times every day. Bailey prays every night for 'Miss Saundra' and Isaac and Rachel especially-he says he remembers when they would all play together at the FLC while we worked out! Anyway, we love your family and we are here to help with anything at all! Lezli Shire

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

While I cannot imagine what your family is going through right now, please know that you are being prayed for constantly. Through your grief I am able to recognize the need to be a better wife, mom, friend, and person. I do believe that God always has a purpose for the things that occur even when they are tragic. John's gift to my family was to educate my children and for his children to be peers of my children. Try to remember that Christmas is a time of joy in the birth of Jesus. Many of your family traditions can continue but you also have an opportunity to start new traditions to honor the wonderful man that John was and still is in your life. Our family makes a creche for Baby Jesus and we make the "hay bedding" out of strips of brown paper with good deeds and prayers for Baby Jesus to rest his head. Perhaps you can do the same by giving your struggles to Jesus and filling his creche full of soft hay. Lean on Him...so that you too can rest rest your head.

Sincerely,

Jan Kinsey and family

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

Nathan Mund said...

Saundra,
I want you to know that I'm praying for you and your family everytime I look out my window, or walk out my door and see your home. I always respected and looked up to John as a father. I wish that I had the patience to spend as much time with my children as he did with yours. Both boys loved having John as a teacher. Lucas especially would come home immediately after school and tell us the "joke of the day" from Mr. Griffis math class. It sometimes was the only bright spot of his whole day at school.
I don't want you to doubt that John loved you. You could see it in the way he acted around you. I'm positive he knew and besides, you'll get to tell him again some day!
If there is anything at all that you or your family need, day or night, don't be hesitant to knock on the door and ask us. We will do whatever we can for you. God Bless you and your family.

Nathan Mund

kersht said...

If you need a sounding board or an ear or just to chat - just contact me. If there is anything I can do for you and/or your family I would be happy to. Sending you strength...
Todd
Todd_Kersh@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

Saundra, you don't know me but I graduated with Matthew and played basketball with Hannah, and I just wanted to tell you what an inpiration you and your family are. The way you are sticking together as a family and searching for comfort and guidance from God. I dont think many people would be able to do that. I cant imagine what you all are going through but I do know that you aren't alone in this, God will never leave to no matter what! Your family is always on my mind and I will continue praying for you all.

Wendy Vaughn said...

Saundra,

1st of all I want you to know we won't leave or forget about you and the children. I still have you on my heart daily and pray for you and the kids several times in a day. Before bedtime Lora never forgets and tells me, mom we gotta pray for the Griffis family. I check your blog daily so when I saw that you had updated today I was so excited. You had mentioned the Why question. That is a really tough one and to be honest with you I've ask the same question. All I can come up with is there is a reason and purpose in everything we go thru especially when our lives are in God's control. I was also thinking about what a Blessing you had in a husband and father for the kids, which is rare these days. I thought, you know whether you were together minutes, hours, days, weeks or years the fact that you were able to experience life together at all is a tremendous Blessing. I know that doesn't calm the grieving process tho. Grieving is just a hard thing that takes time. It's also comforting to known that one day we will all see him again. My heart just continually reaches out to all of you. Your Prayer specifics will continue to be on our list and I'll close for now with a scripture I came across as I was doing my Bible Study Fellowship lesson. Ps.73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. We Love You and the Kids very much! Remember we are only a phone call or blog away. Wendy and Lora Vaughn

Wendy Vaughn said...

Saundra,

1st of all I want you to know we won't leave or forget about you and the children. I still have you on my heart daily and pray for you and the kids several times in a day. Before bedtime Lora never forgets and tells me, mom we gotta pray for the Griffis family. I check your blog daily so when I saw that you had updated today I was so excited. You had mentioned the Why question. That is a really tough one and to be honest with you I've ask the same question. All I can come up with is there is a reason and purpose in everything we go thru especially when our lives are in God's control. I was also thinking about what a Blessing you had in a husband and father for the kids, which is rare these days. I thought, you know whether you were together minutes, hours, days, weeks or years the fact that you were able to experience life together at all is a tremendous Blessing. I know that doesn't calm the grieving process tho. Grieving is just a hard thing that takes time. It's also comforting to known that one day we will all see him again. My heart just continually reaches out to all of you. Your Prayer specifics will continue to be on our list and I'll close for now with a scripture I came across as I was doing my Bible Study Fellowship lesson. Ps.73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. We Love You and the Kids very much! Remember we are only a phone call or blog away. Wendy and Lora Vaughn

david b mclaughlin said...

Saundra,
I am Chase McLaughlins dad. Chase plays basketball & football with Isaac. He has really been praying for you all as our whole family has.

I wanted to tell you that a lady in our church lost her husband to a heartattack suddenly a couple years ago. She is about our age and her son is about Isaac's age. I dont know if you want to but I am sure she and her son would be more than willing to talk with you and Isaac. They are the sweetest people and have hurt as you are. While the rest of us can only sympathize they actually have experienced the grief and problems you are experiencing.

If you would like to talk to them please call me at 226-2028. I will put you in touch.

Whether you do or not, know that we are praying for you daily.

Love & Mercy,
David

Anonymous said...

I used to sing a of hope a lot from Lamantations 3:21-23.

But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

Janet Hall

Kelli Bowie said...

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." This verse has been special to me after the sudden loss of my parents. It's underlined in my Dad's Bible. Romans was the book of they were reading together when Mom died. Saundra, you are constantly on my mind. My heart is heavy for you. I pray for you constantly. I pray for peace for you all as you reogranize your life to a new, different normal. You will get there! Those good memories that cause so much pain and tears will eventually make you smile. But let the tears come when they may. They were part of the healing process for me. We are here for you and will NOT leave you! I hope you know how much you are loved and prayed for! And I pray you feel God's loving arms around you and rest in His peace!

Anonymous said...

I have prayed for you and your family throughout the day. You are heavy on my heart. I don't have great words of wisdom. Hang on to Jesus. He is there for you and will never leave you or forsake you.

Jennifer

Anonymous said...

Father, I pray for Saundra right now. Lord, lift her up into your precious arms and hold her so close that she will feel your presence so very very real. Help her to find that calmness in her heart. Help her to make their home warm again, and know that they can rest in the memories of John in their home. In Jesus name, I bind satan, that he would not have any power over their thoughts. Lord, we give you the power over their thoughts, and heart. Please place your healing touch on them, comfort them, strengthen them, wipe their tears. For its in your precious powerful, holy name we pray, and claim these victories. Amen

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing with us. It truly does help us know how to specifically pray. I believe it helps you too when you put your thoughts and feelings down "on paper". Know that we are thinking of you often and praying for you daily. I don't know what it is like to lose a spouse, but I do know what it is like to lose a very close loved one. No, life will never be the same again. But, by the grace of God, you will make it through. Know that there are no right or wrong answers. Each person grieves in their own way, and in their own time. What seems like it helps to one person, doesn't help the next. Just be patient with yourself. Your mind will slow down, you will find that calmness. So much of this just takes time. Know that we are here for you and will help in anyway we can. We will continue to lift you up in prayer. Much love and prayers.Cathy Allen

Anonymous said...

Saundra - like we shared today - we were always meant to be close - but until this year it didn't really happen - we both were running in all directions - but God has put us together working together and developing a close and fast friendship - a friendship that is there for life - like you said today - we "click" - a door opened at school and I was fortunate you walked in to help me - and our little Ali --- I will be there daily to help with you and the kiddos - I hope coming by today would help the girls some thinking it was good to sort through all the cosmetics and stuff - tomorrow we will come together to continue planning events and activities that may open their hearts to come back to school to be with their extended family - and even though your parents will leave at some time, I and others will be there for you. See you tomorrow!!! Bekki

Anonymous said...

GO TEAM GRIFFIS!!! John was with me yesterday helping me coach and he will be with me and the girls tomorrow - we play at 1 ---- see you when we come back to BMS!!!!

Anonymous said...

We are here when you need us. Keep writting we are here.

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
I have been praying for your amazing family consistently and I think about all of you all the time. Knowing Matthew better than the others, I understand what you mean about not knowing how he is really doing because of his quiet spirit. Please know that I am praying for him (though I am praying for all of you, of course) that he will have a "special someone" to open up to, as you said. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I love your family and I care so very deeply about you all finding peace.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Anonymous said...

I think the toughest question we all face in this world is WHY? I was reading this morning and you and your family came to my mind when I read 1 Corinthians 13:12-13 here it is from the message

We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it wont be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he know us!

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: TRUST steadily in GOD, HOPE unswervingly, LOVE extravagantly. And the best of the three is LOVE.

LOVE YOU ALL
ERIC KING

Alisa said...

You are not left out of our families prayers- We continue praying. Last night our three year old included your family in his thankful prayer. You were right up there with the firefighters that he is thankful for every night. Whenever someone else is going to prayer he reminds them to pray for the "hiffis" family.
You and your family come into my mind often during the day- know that you are thought of and prayed for often.

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
I have specifically prayed for people with Godly wisdom to support you and be there for you in each moment you need. Your openness in sharing with us touches my heart. You and your family are in our ever present prayers. Each of my kids has asked certain questions being worried about your kids, so we pray for those things that they think of. I picture God just holding you, not sitting by you, but holding you, everyday and putting His big blanket of comfort on you. I pray you feel that today in extra measure! Love, Carol Braaten

Anonymous said...

Saun,
The letters, poems, etc is treasures that you will hold on to forever. Those are part of John that you can keep close to your heart. Sounds like you & John had a wonderful strong relationship and that can never be taken away! Don't second guess yourself!! There will some traditions that you'll want to hold on too and some that you'll want to make new. Don't feel you have to be healed from your grief tomorrow or the next day. It does take time and there is no time frame as long as you are moving in the forward. Keep repeating Gods scripture, songs, etc. Whatever gives you peace and comfort! Trust in the Lord and He will see you through each situtation or memory that comes along your path! Love you!!!
Marlan

Anonymous said...

I wanted to share a very special memory with you. It was several months ago on a Sunday and I was busy rushing around and for some reason I drove down Peniel and not College. As I passed by 43rd, I saw a family taking a walk together, heading for home. All the kids were there and you and John were hand in hand. It touched my heart and I remember thinking to myself, what a committed family! Just the simple things in life mean the most. Never forget that and know that John loved you with all of his heart and I am positive that he had no doubts about your love and your commitment to him.

A wonderful song that has touched my heart and I hope you find some comfort in.. "You Raise Me Up"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gUxV9htH9U

Please remember that you are loved and thank you for continuing to share your heart with us.