I am sorry I haven't blogged lately. Trying to move in and get as settled as possible has taken my time away from here.
I have read all of your responses and I appreciate each and every one of them. Many touched me. Ms. Rains, I appreciate the verse. A lady once told me to pray the scriptures....and as I read the scripture you gave me....I claimed that as a prayer for my family. As I pray this prayer...I would love for each and every one of you to pray the same....with our names in it. Personalize it.
Someone who wanted to remain anonymous quoted a song....I loved it. It is my cry and prayer. They said it was by Casting Crowns. I would love to have that song if anyone knows where I can get it.
Things here are okay. The kids and I sleep on the mattresses on the floor each night...holding one another. Matthew does well in his room...but I sometimes wonder how he REALLY is doing. He doesn't talk much as most of you know. So pray for him to find a special someone to share with.
As we were cleaning the house a bit yesterday I ran across some letters/poems that John wrote to me. It just made my heart break all the more. He was a poem and letter writer. I have two that he wrote in the last 6 months. As I read them and cried I wondered...did I show him enough love? Did he know how much I really loved him? I only can pray that he did. He was so good to me. I don't think I was ever good enough for him. I should have hugged him more, showed him more love......my mind and heart goes on of how much more I could have given him. I was selfish....and now it is too late.
My mom and dad along with the kids went to by the Hallmark ornaments that we traditionally buy. It was the saddest thing. Isaac knew right away what he wanted. He always bought the football player or baseball player...Hannah is doing a series so she bought her series. But little Rach....so sad....always had daddy help her pick hers. She started to cry and told me how she missed him. I am at a loss of words to her. I don't know what to say. We picked up several that she liked (one being a golfer) I knew why she picked that. You do too...her daddy was a golfer. But I also knew she like the little bear one. We let her look and ponder for 30 minutes. Hannah went to talk with her and they finally come out with the bear. I don't know how they came to that conclusion, but they did. But...I could tell Rach was soooooo hurting.
Going back to the letter that I found. As I was crying and reading them Hannah came up to me and asked why I was crying. I showed her a funny poem that John had written for me. She cried and laughed with me...then we both broke down and stood and held each other. Then she asked the question that I have asked time and again..."Why Mommy?" "WHY?". I could'nt answer. My dad came over and held us both and tried to comfort us as best he could. But WHY?
I appreciate the offer to get the tree for us. But I think this has to be something the kids have to do. It will be so hard...John always made it fun...as he did all things. But, I really feel it has to be done by us.
The lights....I don't know if we will put them on the house this year. Honestly, I am scared to have anyone get on my roof. That is something I find also...I am terrified to let the kids do anything. When Matthew goes with his friends...I am literally shaking until I see him walk in the door again.
There are still so many things to tie us with all of this. I have a great team of Godly gentlemen who are guiding me. I would like you to pray for wisdom for them. John did almost everything for our family. I am lost without him....in so many ways.
Many of you have told me that you appreciate my specific prayer requests and I appreciate that I know you are reading this and praying them...so here they are.
Peace...for all of us
My mom and dad have to go back sometime. Prayer that it will be an easy transition for the kids and myself.
Calm....I need to feel an inner calm that I can't seem to find.
Quietness of my mind. It is going 100 miles an hour. I can't remember where I put this, or who said what.
God's presence in this house. It isn't home to me with John. Help it to become my home again
God's presence all around me and the kids
Wisdom in all that I face..financial, questions from the kids, daily duties and responsibilities....
I also need to tell you that the kids and I went to BMS and BHS yesterday. The teachers and the principals and working with the kids allowing them to come back a little at a time when they feel ready. That was an answer to prayer. Rach and Isaac will have me in school with them. So I worry about Hannah. She doesn't want to go. I told her that if I had to I would divide myself between them until she feel comfortable.
ALso, Isaac wants nothing to do with basketball right now. I know that he and John played together alot. Pray that he get that desire again. We told him that if he just wanted to go practice with the guys in the morning then come home he could...but he didn't want to.
I started to thank you people who have helped the Lord, listened to his voice to help carry us through this....but I am afraid I might forget someone. Just know....I would'nt be where I am today with out you. And I hope this doesn't sound bad...but please..never leave me. Sometimes, as one person mentioned in the blog.....when things settle....they leave....please don't leave. I, we, need you.