First I want to thank the person that has been bringing me special ME gifts every month. It was so good to come home to one Friday. It had been a long day...and as I pulled up in the car...I saw the bag. And immediately I was renewed in spirit and mind. Thank you whoever you are. Thank you for being obedient to God's calling.
I didn't have a good nights sleep last night. I am still not in my bed. Rachel had a friend stay overnight and so I slept on the couch. It wasn't good. I was awake most of the night and all I could do was go down memory lane. It was not good. When I woke this morning at 5:30, I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and an ache in my heart for John. So, I got my coffee, and went immediately to His word.
God was faithful. I just love reading his word. It is so full of truths and promises. I am reading the Bible in a year also, so it is interesting because scriptures that I have read all my life have a whole new meaning to me. It is exciting. But, God spoke to me through JESUS CALLING again. It said:
I am training you in steadiness. Too many things interrupt your awareness of Me. I know that you live in a world of sigh and sound, but you must not be a slave to those stimuli. Awareness of Me can continue in all circumstances, no matter what happens. This is the steadiness I desire for you.
Don't let unexpected events throw you off course. Rather, respond calmly and confidently, remembering that I am with you. As soon as something grabs your attention, talk with Me about it. Thus I share your joys and your problems; I help you cope with whatever is before you. This is how I live in you and work through you. This is the way of PEACE.
WOW!!! Steadiness. That is what I need. I need to have the faith to believe...no matter the circumstances, no mater what interrupts my day, life as it is. Steadiness. That is faith at work!!!!
So, I was determined to do something that I had put off for a while. For several reasons. One, I have been so busy that I couldn't get to it, secondly, I was afraid of what I would find. I have a hall closet that had not been cleaned since we moved in. At the very top (we have probably 8-9 foot ceilings) was a shelf that hadn't been reached very often. But I knew that there might be things to bring back memories I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with.
But, today was the day. I got up there and went to work. Yea, there were things. Like baby pics with John in them. His favorite childhood Snoopy book, and then a file that his mom must have given us a long time ago. I didn't remember it. Maybe she gave it to him. But it was all his grade cards (remember those) and all the newspaper clippings that she had cut from papers of he and his sporting events. Then, the hardest....our wedding picture, his baby pics, a 9 year old pic of him. And then there was the picture of him as a baby, that I had framed, as well as a picture of me as a baby that had hung in our baby's room when they were infants.
The pics of him...I kept out. I want to do something with them. I don't know what yet. I set our wedding picture out. It was hard. But you know...I kept whispering Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And I kept thinking of my devotion this morning. I was having a good day...don't let this unexpected finding, event interfere with God's work in me. And it didn't.
I even showed the pics of John as a baby to Matthew. I havent' showed him the clippings from the paper yet. I think I might do it when he and Isaac can look at them together.
My heart still hurts from that today. I miss him. But, God is helping, little by little, minute by minute.
I don't get on facebook hardly at all anymore, but my sister said that Rach has mentioned John several times in her postings. Pray for her. Obviously it has come her time to grieve. She hasn't said anything to me, but I am going to mention it to her and see what she says. She was the one that said that that song that John and her used to love, about daddys little girl and how the little girl grows up to be married and he sings about dancing with her on her wedding day. Rachel reminded me of that not too long after he passed. And she said, "I told daddy that I would dance with him on my wedding day." That is pretty much all she has said. So, it has come her time. Please pray for her.
Continue to pray for Hannah a new job. Today was her last day at Panera. She was a happy little girl. She said it just wasn't the same when her favorite manager, Dawn, left. She didn't like it anymore. But, she does realize that she needs a job. I am glad for that.
Pray for Matthew. He needs another job besides his job at the course. Pray that something will come up that he will be able to work into his schedule this summer.
Pray that I have wisdom to run the household. There are so many things I see that I want to do...but don't know how to go about it. Then days will go by and I will forget. Then a few days later I remember. Just give me wisdom Lord. Grant me knowledge.
My biggest and most important request is that my children know the Lord. I want them to have a personal relationship with Him. I want them to experience His goodness, His love, His mercy. I want them to know My Lord. Pray for each of them.
One other prayer request....We always went some place during the summer on vacation. We were talking of Wyoming before John passed. The kids haven't forgotten. I want to do it for them. Just pray that it works out. They want it to be a family vacation. I understand...and I can do that. But, again, its one of those things where John worked out the details. Yes, we are going to my parents in Illinois, but they want a FAMILY trip. So just pray for this...even if you think it is a weird prayer request.....it is important to me, to my children.
Praise the Lord with me. Emma is finished with her Chemo. We went out and celebrated with the family Friday night. It was so good to see her be herself for a change. She is so precious. What a blessing she is to our family. Praise the Lord!!!
Thank you for reading. I love you all.