Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Well, I made it through the weekend. It was rather hard. Isaac had a baseball tournament and played so well. I was so proud of him, and I know John would have been also. I missed him by my side. I used to lean on him at games, or sit close (in our chairs) and share things about the game, etc....I didn't realize how much I loved that until I didn't have it.



Sunday was Isaacs birthday with the whole family. All birthdays are hard. When I went to get the card, do your realize most "son" cards say "To Our Son". I almost cried in the store. I didn't know if I should get one that said "our" or one that just said "son". I ended up getting one that just said "son". But when I signed it....I couldn't bring myself to sign just "mommy" ....I had to sign it mommy and daddy. That is the way it is suppose to be. I was so anxious to see Isaacs expression to know if that is what I should sign. Well, he read it and smiled and that was it! So, I don't think it bothered him as much as it bothered me!!!! I still missed John being there to watch him as he opened his gifts. He is so funny.

I also had an experience picking out Mother's Day cards. It was hard buying one for Marilyn. I hurt for her. How do you celebrate with YOUR son gone? I also thought about the two mother's who also lost their sons recently. Oh, God, be with them all.

Then I thought about myself. John always did the shopping then just added the kids names to it. Let them wrap or bag it...to make it their own to me. I really, honestly, don't want to celebrate without John.. I am a mother because of him. When we celebrated mother's day it was a celebration for both of us. Oh, Lord...carry me through this.

Then yesterday we had a golf tournament for the Emma Grace Williams Fund. Matthew and Isaac played in it. The girls and I worked it. It was fun. But, I knew how John was looking forward to it. I knew he wanted to be there. In fact, I couldn't believe it....as the guys were coming in at the end of the day....I actually found myself watching for him to pull up in the golf cart. When I realized what I was doing, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It was good to know, that when I shared this with Marilyn, that she too, was struggling with the day. Knowing that John should have been there. He had planned to be there. I was not alone. So, it was a hard day.

Today was a little difficult. I suppose it was more just left over sadness from the weekend and yesterday. I was sick to my stomach most of the day...just thinking about having to come home and fix dinner. I just didn't feel like it.

But when it came time, the kids were saying they were hungry, I think I look the enemy in the face, got up and fixed a prepared meal. But, it was fixing!!! Then, right after dinner...I thought...hey...one more thing...enemy....I am going to fix Matthew Lemon Squares. And I did! Though they were from a box, I feel like it was victory. I did not give in. I did not give up. I know the Lord carried me through the whole dinner making to the dessert eating. He did it!!!

The kids are doing great. Sometimes when I have one of them in the car with me, by ourselves, I might look over and see he/she looking out the window in deep thought. I always wonder, as they stare out the window, what their thoughts are. I find that that is always the time I think the most is in the car. I find myself shaking my head over a past hurt I may have caused John, and how I could have done that....or how I don't want to go on without him.....I have so many thoughts that come to me while I am driving. So, I wonder what they are thinking. Sometimes I will take their hand in mine and ask. They might just look at me and smile....or smile and say "nothing". But, I have a feeling that they are. Isaac especially goes into deep thought.

It is during these times that I really have to fight the enemy in my thoughts. I have to deliberately "think on those things which are TRUE, HONEST, AND PURE, AND WORTHY OF HIS NAME, FOR WHEN I THINK ON THESE THINGS....GOD'S PEACE WILL BE WITH ME. I really have to make an effort to do that. And He is always faithful.

Pray for both Matthew and Hannah to find the job that the Lord has for them this summer. I know there is one out there. Just lead them to it. Or speak to His servant that wants to do his will by hiring one of the kids.

Pray for all the kids to do well as the end of the school year draws to a close. Pray that they will have wisdom and understanding of the work and the tests that are put before them.

Pray that they listen closely to what the pastor has to say in his sermons these past few weeks, and the week to come. Help them to ponder what he says and to grow closer to him as they do it.

Pray for God to "command His Angels charge over each of us, to guard us in all our ways. That they will lift us up and protect us from stumbling". Pray His hedge of Angels around us.

Pray for God to give me wisdom in what it takes to run the household. Pray for wisdom in raising the children. Pray that he give me strength in all that has to be done.

Thank you...to all of you....for all you say, all you do and all your prayers...God Bless You !!!!

Love and Prayer,
Saundra