Friends, I am sorry it has taken me so long to get on here. Busy, busy...is the only word I can find. With Isaac playing baseball, Rachel taking softball pitching lessons, and her softball practices, and Hannah track.....I am pretty busy.
That was alright...it gave me time to think about all of your comments. Some positive to me, some negative to me. That's okay too. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Jeff, you are always so positive with what you say...as many of you are. I look forward to hearing your comments and words of encouragement.
But, to you others....until you walk a mile in my shoes, please don't tell me to move on. I have had ladies that have been in my place tell me that it took years....my psychiatrist tells me I am doing fine......I am right where I need to be emotionally and mentally. The books that Dr. Randall Spindle has given our family to read tells me and shows me that I am right where I need to be. So, until you have been exactly where I am, you cannot possibly tell me how to handle it. But thanks for reading my blog just the same.
This blog was first created to let you know how John was doing. After his passing, and I felt I was able, I began to use it as a sounding board....as a way to receive encouragement, others point of view, and mainly prayer. That is why I am not angry or upset regarding the negative comments, or the "move on", "enough is enough" comments. That is your point of view. I don't have to accept it.
However, I am doing better. In my devotional book, Jesus Calling, I read two devotionals that spoke directly to me...(which I might add to the person that asked if I really believed the scriptures I quote...."sometimes the darkness hides His face"...those are the dark days....when I need the prayer.....when the waves are washing over me and I feel I am drowning).......It says,
This is time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.
You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.
I am taking care of you. Trust Me at all times. Trust Me in all circumstances. Trust Me with all your heart. When you are weary and everything seems to be going wrong, you can still utter these four words: "I trust You, Jesus." By doing so, you release matters into My control, and you fall back into the security of My everlasting arms.
Before you arise from you bed in the morning, I have already arranged the events of your day. Every day provides many opportunities for you to learn My ways and grow closer to Me. Signs of My Presence brighten even the dullest day when you have eyes that really see. Search for Me as for hidden treasure. I will be found by you.
I was at my deepest when I read them. This last one was the big one....with determination, I left the house that morning...thinking...whenever I feel the enemy trying to get to me...to destroy me....I will just say, "JESUS". That was all I was going to say.
And throughout the day...I did. I said it several times. And each time I really believe that the enemy had to flee. And I have used it since that day.
I used it Saturday. Isaac and I rode our bikes for the first time this season in the Red Bud Classic. It would have been John and I. As we were loading the car that morning.....and was having trouble with the bike rack, I began to tear up...(not letting Isaac know)...but I was remembering John doing all of that. I never had to deal with that. And I thought how much we were planning to do the red bud this year....with Isaac...the three of us. And I thought of how sad it was that Isaac will never get to experience this with his daddy. But, then I remembered my 'word', JESUS. And I said it, I whispered it. The thoughts were gone. Throughout the ride I had to say it several times...but each time He was there reminding me of His presence.
We had a great time. Isaac had a great time. He rides like his dad liked to ride....fast. He would ride way ahead of me, wait for me, check with me, then off he would go. Now, John stayed with me more, but I couldn't let my little fellow do this thing. He loves going fast! He had a fun time. He just wishes he would have won that cool bike they had for a prize!!!
I am on a journey.....as the Israelites were...there were days when they doubted God's existence, sometimes it would take them a while to see His hands at work, other days, it seemed he was a prayer away. I too have those days. I am told they are to be expected. That I am normal. I don't think, yet, I know what normal is for me. But it will come. All will come.
I am excited for the new sermon series.....I have been praying for God to let me see His face. I have been seeking His face in my morning devotions. I want to be like Him. I am anxious to see what He is going to do in me and through me. I believe I am in for a big change. I can't wait. I believe God is going to use Pastor David and David O'bannon to fulfill His plan for me. Whatever it is...I am willing.
John's birthday is May 7. I know it will be a hard, hard day for me. I won't know what to do. I loved surprising him. The kids and I would always have a cake and gifts waiting for him when he got home from work, if it was on a workday. The kids loved celebrating his birthday. He always made their gifts to him seem like the best one in the world.
I have been thinking about going out to the grave site on his birthday. I really want to. But at the same time I am doubting I can do it. I thought of also asking the kids. We haven't been out there yet. I don't know if any of us are ready. So, I am asking you to pray for me to know what is the right thing to do. And to have the courage to do it, whatever it is.
Matthew is doing fantastic. Playing with the kids. Actually having conversations with them. Loving on them, loving on me. As far as I know school is going great for him. He doesn't talk much as I have mentioned before. The coach has asked Matthew to red shirt for this year. Which means he can play golf for 4 years. I don't know you can ask someone about it. I don't get it. Anyway, the team is playing a tournament at Lincoln tomorrow and since it was his home course, Coach asked him to help the coach the guys. He is thrilled. He is so excited. I am very happy for him.
Hannah is doing great. Since her revelation to me she spends more time at home and we laugh more together. She seems so much happier than she did before, I know she was holding that in. She is planning to go to the prom with her friends. She just loves this getting dressed up stuff. I was never into that, and I know John wasn't so i don't know where she gets that from!!!
Isaac is doing good. Since the ride on Saturday it seems like we have a new bond. He has been pretty obliging toward me. Even studying his Science tonight...and it was tough, he was good. He still needs prayer to keep him afloat in school. He just has no desire to succeed in school. It is no big deal to him. He is enjoying his sports though. He is playing baseball right now and loves it.
Rach is also doing great. Always has. Just little Miss Happy. She is playing softball, and is taking pitching lessons. She would like to play fast pitch softball with the school next year. I hope she can pick it up.
I would still like to see a spiritual change in each of their lives. I am praying that this new series will touch their lives right where they are in their spiritual journey. I am praying that God work in their hearts and I pray that you would pray the same.
Well, it is time to study for science again. And...I have kept you long enough. Thanks again for all your comments, and for your faithfulness to me and my blog. Sometimes, just getting it out .... makes a difference.
Love to you all,