Sunday, April 11, 2010

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Friends, I am sorry it has taken me so long to get on here. Busy, the only word I can find. With Isaac playing baseball, Rachel taking softball pitching lessons, and her softball practices, and Hannah track.....I am pretty busy.

That was gave me time to think about all of your comments. Some positive to me, some negative to me. That's okay too. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Jeff, you are always so positive with what you many of you are. I look forward to hearing your comments and words of encouragement.

But, to you others....until you walk a mile in my shoes, please don't tell me to move on. I have had ladies that have been in my place tell me that it took psychiatrist tells me I am doing fine......I am right where I need to be emotionally and mentally. The books that Dr. Randall Spindle has given our family to read tells me and shows me that I am right where I need to be. So, until you have been exactly where I am, you cannot possibly tell me how to handle it. But thanks for reading my blog just the same.

This blog was first created to let you know how John was doing. After his passing, and I felt I was able, I began to use it as a sounding a way to receive encouragement, others point of view, and mainly prayer. That is why I am not angry or upset regarding the negative comments, or the "move on", "enough is enough" comments. That is your point of view. I don't have to accept it.

However, I am doing better. In my devotional book, Jesus Calling, I read two devotionals that spoke directly to me...(which I might add to the person that asked if I really believed the scriptures I quote...."sometimes the darkness hides His face"...those are the dark days....when I need the prayer.....when the waves are washing over me and I feel I am drowning).......It says,

This is time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.

You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.

and....the other..

I am taking care of you. Trust Me at all times. Trust Me in all circumstances. Trust Me with all your heart. When you are weary and everything seems to be going wrong, you can still utter these four words: "I trust You, Jesus." By doing so, you release matters into My control, and you fall back into the security of My everlasting arms.

Before you arise from you bed in the morning, I have already arranged the events of your day. Every day provides many opportunities for you to learn My ways and grow closer to Me. Signs of My Presence brighten even the dullest day when you have eyes that really see. Search for Me as for hidden treasure. I will be found by you.

I was at my deepest when I read them. This last one was the big one....with determination, I left the house that morning...thinking...whenever I feel the enemy trying to get to destroy me....I will just say, "JESUS". That was all I was going to say.

And throughout the day...I did. I said it several times. And each time I really believe that the enemy had to flee. And I have used it since that day.

I used it Saturday. Isaac and I rode our bikes for the first time this season in the Red Bud Classic. It would have been John and I. As we were loading the car that morning.....and was having trouble with the bike rack, I began to tear up...(not letting Isaac know)...but I was remembering John doing all of that. I never had to deal with that. And I thought how much we were planning to do the red bud this year....with Isaac...the three of us. And I thought of how sad it was that Isaac will never get to experience this with his daddy. But, then I remembered my 'word', JESUS. And I said it, I whispered it. The thoughts were gone. Throughout the ride I had to say it several times...but each time He was there reminding me of His presence.

We had a great time. Isaac had a great time. He rides like his dad liked to He would ride way ahead of me, wait for me, check with me, then off he would go. Now, John stayed with me more, but I couldn't let my little fellow do this thing. He loves going fast! He had a fun time. He just wishes he would have won that cool bike they had for a prize!!!

I am on a the Israelites were...there were days when they doubted God's existence, sometimes it would take them a while to see His hands at work, other days, it seemed he was a prayer away. I too have those days. I am told they are to be expected. That I am normal. I don't think, yet, I know what normal is for me. But it will come. All will come.

I am excited for the new sermon series.....I have been praying for God to let me see His face. I have been seeking His face in my morning devotions. I want to be like Him. I am anxious to see what He is going to do in me and through me. I believe I am in for a big change. I can't wait. I believe God is going to use Pastor David and David O'bannon to fulfill His plan for me. Whatever it is...I am willing.

John's birthday is May 7. I know it will be a hard, hard day for me. I won't know what to do. I loved surprising him. The kids and I would always have a cake and gifts waiting for him when he got home from work, if it was on a workday. The kids loved celebrating his birthday. He always made their gifts to him seem like the best one in the world.

I have been thinking about going out to the grave site on his birthday. I really want to. But at the same time I am doubting I can do it. I thought of also asking the kids. We haven't been out there yet. I don't know if any of us are ready. So, I am asking you to pray for me to know what is the right thing to do. And to have the courage to do it, whatever it is.

Matthew is doing fantastic. Playing with the kids. Actually having conversations with them. Loving on them, loving on me. As far as I know school is going great for him. He doesn't talk much as I have mentioned before. The coach has asked Matthew to red shirt for this year. Which means he can play golf for 4 years. I don't know you can ask someone about it. I don't get it. Anyway, the team is playing a tournament at Lincoln tomorrow and since it was his home course, Coach asked him to help the coach the guys. He is thrilled. He is so excited. I am very happy for him.

Hannah is doing great. Since her revelation to me she spends more time at home and we laugh more together. She seems so much happier than she did before, I know she was holding that in. She is planning to go to the prom with her friends. She just loves this getting dressed up stuff. I was never into that, and I know John wasn't so i don't know where she gets that from!!!

Isaac is doing good. Since the ride on Saturday it seems like we have a new bond. He has been pretty obliging toward me. Even studying his Science tonight...and it was tough, he was good. He still needs prayer to keep him afloat in school. He just has no desire to succeed in school. It is no big deal to him. He is enjoying his sports though. He is playing baseball right now and loves it.

Rach is also doing great. Always has. Just little Miss Happy. She is playing softball, and is taking pitching lessons. She would like to play fast pitch softball with the school next year. I hope she can pick it up.

I would still like to see a spiritual change in each of their lives. I am praying that this new series will touch their lives right where they are in their spiritual journey. I am praying that God work in their hearts and I pray that you would pray the same.

Well, it is time to study for science again. And...I have kept you long enough. Thanks again for all your comments, and for your faithfulness to me and my blog. Sometimes, just getting it out .... makes a difference.

Love to you all,


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for the negative comments. No one knows what you have gone through, and no one will. There are no other Saundra's in the world like you, that have lost their John's like him. You are doing great! You have a real, powerful, sustaining relationship with God. My opinion doesn't really matter, but I think you should go to his grave on his birthday. It will be painful, but I think it will help you heal. It's okay to think about, to miss him, to love him. He will always be a part of you, but you still have all of us around you. We love you, and we are here for you.
Love and Prayers.

Sister Chris said...

You are moving forward in the ebb and flow of grief and I think you are doing fantastic. The times we laugh and cry together are treasures to me. Even if I had walked in your shoes or someday walk the same path, everyone is different.

Circumstances in each and every life are different. Are there children, how many, what ages, is there a full-time job, what is the financial situation. And on and on, the variables makes it unique. Everyone has a different personality, emotional makeup. What was the role in the home of the spouse that is gone...all these questions and more make the difference in how individuals handle grief.

There is one huge consistency in your life, and that is no matter how bad the pain and how hopeless you feel, you always are looking to Jesus. Whether we hear it or not in your words, it is in your heart.

So, Sister of Mine, keep going strong. I am there for you when the tide goes out and you catch your breath or when it rushes in and seems to take your last breath away.

I am sorry for the harsh words of posts from some of the anonymous. They shocked me. Friends don't hide their identity, unless they know the words will hurt. Perhaps it is time they stopped reading the blog.

You are stronger than I could ever have imagined, and I have always known that no matter how you felt, you will come through on the other side OK. The fact that you have been so busy that you have not blogged for near a week, is proof you are moving forward.

Some final words..."Hey, don't mess with my sister!" ha!

LeisaK said...

Praise the Lord for answered prayers ~ you sound much better. God is good!

shelly baggett said...

I can't imagine someone telling you to move on...that is so insensitive. Obviously, it's someone who has never lost a loved one.
You don't know me but I went to school with John and Dawn. I have been following your blog and I pray for you daily.
God is carrying you through this difficult time and understands your pain.
Always praying,
Shelly Baggett

Anonymous said...

I don't read your blog each day but you are always in my prayers. I too was surprised by some of the recent comments. I'm sure they meant well but...only you can know what your journey is like. I have seen such growth and strength in recent posts. Of course there will be days of despair along with the days of joy. Hang in there. I have to tell you that I was almost dreading high school golf but Jay has been great. Tanner has done well and I am happy he is playing. Trey is playing at Lincoln today and I am happy to read that Matthew will be there to help. Gaylene Stiles

Anonymous said...

Saundra, We love you and are praying for you.

Melissa Cline

david b mclaughlin said...

Havent commented in a long while but I have benn reading.

Happy to see you stick up for yourself. Never let anyone tell you how to feel. You are entitled to your own feelings!

Many prayers,
David Mc

nbumpus said...

i don't think you know me personally, but i am a senior at bhs and i read each of your blog posts. i just want you to know that i have not forgotten about you guys. i winced when i read the comments that told you to move on and that 'enough is enough'. i agree with your statement that until someone has been where you have been and experienced what you have experienced, they have no idea what it is like. my cousin passed away in february and not a day goes by that i do not think of him or his dad or his brother. it is not something that just goes away; you can't just 'move on'. it's not that simple. i'm not sure how much sense all of this makes but i just wanted you to know that there are people who still care about you and love you and pray for you always. the Lord will never leave you or forsake you.

Kari Moroz said...

Saundra, I remember once when my blog and my feelings were criticized when an "anonymous poster" left a negative message. I don't remember it all, I have let it go, but I do remember him/her saying "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get over it already!" that cut me to the core. I wasn't ready to hear that, I was still bald, boobless, and puffy from the chemo. How dare that person judge me??? I feel the same way for you. I don't believe you are experiencing any feelings that are out of the ordinary for your circumstances! Healing takes time, and I am very sorry for the person who cannot understand that! I'm sorry for the things they said, because it does cut and hurt. God heals, it will take time, but he does. I pray you find peace in your everyday life, and that you experience little joys in the midst of the sorrowful times. You are loved, you are complete in Him,and you are blessing us with yourwords. Do not let a negative comment affect your honesty on this blog! We love you!!