Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Tuesday, April 7, 2010

I feel so alone. Yet, I know I am not. I feel abandoned, yet I know I am not. I have so many negative feelings going through me that all I see around me are dark clouds. I want so much to turn back the clock, the days....yet I know I can't.

I dwell on John constantly. My thoughts are on him all the time. Everywhere I look there is something that reminds me of him. I am so lost without him. Questions to be answered....things to do......that I know nothing about. Choices to be made....that I can't make on my own....but have to. Discipline to be handed out...that is totally ignored. Respect that has been ignored....or maybe even lost.

Despair? I am the walking definition of it. Distraught also. I just am so depressed. Sad. Unbearably unhappy. Don't know how much longer I can wear my "happy" face.

Today in devotions it said not to focus on the past, because when we do the darkness covers up what He is doing for us, or has for us.

Believe it? Yes. Living it? No. Why? Because I can't get past that I have lost my love. My best friend. My helper, my husband, the father of my children, the perfect mate, the person that meant everything to me. I can't get past that. And so the darkness surrounds me.

Pray for me. I am tired....and can fight any longer.



Anonymous said...

Saun (sb)

You need to be a strong mother. I'm praying for you and your children. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

He's not gone forever. You'll see him when God wills it. You just have to remember that he gave you four wonderful children that love you, and need you. We all love you.
Love and Prayers.

Jenna said...

praying for you friend.

Anonymous said...

I cannot begin to know your loss. I cannot begin to know your pain. But what I do know is that John would have you walk beyond your hurt and your loss and look at your children. You have said so many times that it was the love of his family that drove John to make sacrifice after sacrifice for all of you. I see you progressively drowning in your own misery, and it frustrates me because you have so much in those 4 children. You did loose the love of your life, but in allowing yourself to drown in your heartache, you are loosing sight of what we all have learned from John's life...."YOU NEVER GIVE UP." As I said, I cannot begin to know your heartache, but as I have read your posts I just feel like someone should tell you that you have EVERYTHING to live for in those 4 children. You are not the first to loose the love of your life. You will not be the last. This is a terrible devasting thing that has happened to you, but the greater harm comes if you give up - you have 4 reasons not to give up. You and John began this race a long time ago. And while you may not be able to see him, his determination still lies within you. I can just hear John right now, "Saundra, you need to stand up and pull your shoulders back. You need to push forward - YOU CAN DO THIS."

Anonymous said...

As hard as it is to say, I have to agree with the last commenter. I don't think John would like to see you this way. You still have a family that needs you very much. You may not see it or they may not express it well but it's the truth.

Your children may be distancing themselves from you because they see that you've given up. You have to be able to move forward in order to find life again.

Are you going to any grief counseling? If not, I think you must start that immediately. You need someone to talk to about these feelings - someone who can help you work through them.

I will pray for you.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you to be strong, for yourself and your family. Your children are young they CANNOT handle any more sorrow in their life. PRAYING, PRAYING, PRAYING for you today. You don't have to wear a happy face, no one expects you to be happy right now. But YOU do have to reach down and pull yourself up, YOU CAN DO IT,and John would want you to do it, for yourself, YOU were important to him, and he would want you to go on. Love and Prayers.

Anonymous said...

How did the families who loss their husband, wife, daughter, or son on 9/11 survive? They decided to move forward. How do the wives of soldiers survive when they learn their husband has been killed in battle? They decided to move forward. We all know that life is hard, yet when we face the hardness in a personal way it throws us down. But just as others who have known heartache have pulled themselves up to carry on, so must you, Saundra. After reading the other comments, I feel like God is using your faithful readers to say, "Move! Move beyond this and determine to go on." You have all the tools to move forward, now you must choose to do so. No one expects you to be happy all the time, but you do have 4 people in your life to be happy about. No one expects you not to have days when you don't want to get out of bed, but you do have 4 reasons to do so. You are stronger than you know - John knew that, too. But today, Saundra, we are praying that your determination to move forward is strengthened. None of us can control the heartache that passes through our lives, but all of us have complete control over our response. In God's refining power you have the ability to move forward, but you have to decide to do it.

Anonymous said...

You are at a crossroads here. You can listen to your heart and let that motivate you, or you can listen to your head, and therein lies the irony, if your heart controls your head you will stay in this abiss. You must determine where the control will reside. Your heart can continue to greive, while at the same time you become determined to not let it(the grief) control you. We are all pulling for you, but NONE of us, whether we know you or not, will sit by and watch you give up!!! You can do it, and we have seen it in you to overcome, it just needs to become a conscious effort. Hang in there, talk to a counselor, tlak to a friend, but maybe not those who continually treat you like a victim, at some point that feeling will go away. You are blessed, really you are, look around you, focus on that! :O) GODSPEED You can do it! Jeff

Anonymous said...

John is NOT dead. He's in the Great Cloud of Witnesses praying for you. When we believe on Jesus in our hearts, we are in covenant with Him. John was God's. It was obviously his time. God doesn't play games with our lives. John's ALIVE and he's your's and your children's biggest cheerleader. Repent of making John an idol in your life. Yes, he was the love of your life, but Jesus must be your all in all. Demon of Despair you cannot have our sister, Saundra. You release her now in Jesus name! Amen! Make good choices today! God loves you more than you can wrap your mind around!

Anonymous said...

Saundra, you say all you can dwell on is John, you need to focus on your children. John is in a better place and your wonderful children need you to be here for them mentally and physically.
Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Along this stony path that lies ahead, God will give you strong shoes as He helps you and guides you through this "firey furnace".

Praying for His strength to meet your daily needs, and may you feel His grand arms of love surrounding you, Saundra.

Remember John 3:16? He loves you so much, Saundra. It truly is an amazing love.

Anonymous said...

"Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves.

About 3 o'clock in the morning Jesus came to them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him, they screamed in terror, thinking he was a ghost. But Jesus spoke to them at once. 'It's all right.' he said. 'I am here! Don't be afraid.'

Then Peter called to him, 'Lord, if it is really you, tell me to come to you by walking on water.'

'All right, come,' Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But WHEN HE LOOKED AROUND AT THE HIGH WAVES, HE WAS TERRIFIED AND BEGAN TO SINK."
Matthew 14:24-30

Saundra, keep your eyes on Jesus and He WILL carry you through this time filled with uncertainty, frustration, fear, doubt, and discouragement.

Take up your sword and fight, dear one.

Anonymous said...

Saundra, now is the time for you to concentrate on what you HAVE, not what you lost. Be strong, turn your back on your misery and self pity. Your children need you and love you. You have family and friends who love you, too. You have so much. Hang on. Don't give up. You can do it.

Anonymous said...

My favorite poem is one that grandmother had above her sink...

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

I've always loved that!!

The devil will push us to our limits because he thrives on quitters. Their pain, suffering and despair. He laughs and rejoices when we falter...

But O how wonderful is it to have a loving God who we can lean on in the midst of crisis. He is our strength when we can't go on. He feels our sorrow and he heals our hearts. Just trust him....

Anonymous said...

I too agree with those that say, enough is enough. YOU can choose to wallow in your pity or you can choose to trust Jesus! You can choose to make yours and your childrens life miserable or you can choose that you will arise from this and become stronger. You can choose to ignore biblical teachings or you can choose to hold the Lord's word as the promises they are.
I read the different verses that you use but I wonder if you truly believe them. You have an obligation to those 4 wonderful children that the Lord entrusted to you and John. Yes it will be hard, but remember the LORD is there to help you thru it.
We were never promised a paved, smooth path. However, we were promised that when the going got rough that all we needed to do was cry out and HE would answer us.
I think it might be beneficial to join a support group with other people who have lost their spouse.
But remember, YOU have to want to change. Be strong! Your children need you!!!!

Tollya said...

Saundra -- I've read your post over and over. I just can't imagine being in your shoes right now. I hope you feel empathy and love NOT judgment from the comments that have been left. While I know there is truth to the "pull yourself together" type of comments I also know deep down what you need is REST -- full, complete rest - the kind only the Lord can give.

My devotions yesterday were on the scripture in Matthew 11:28 -- my thoughts went immediately to you. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Please know we are here to help - to support you in any way we can - so you can REST, gain strength and face the day.

Anonymous said...

From Isaiah 46 -

But now, this is what the LORD says - He who created you, Saundra,
He who formed you, Saundra:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I WILL BE WITH YOU; and when you pass through the rivers, they WILL NOT sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, YOU WILL NOT be burned; the flames WILL NOT set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you.....Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

I continue to pray for you and your family. I was reading this scripture this morning and felt I was to write it to you. I take comfort in the reminders that God has not forsaken me. I hope it helps you to be reminded of that from His Word also.

Becky Beals