I feel so alone. Yet, I know I am not. I feel abandoned, yet I know I am not. I have so many negative feelings going through me that all I see around me are dark clouds. I want so much to turn back the clock, the days....yet I know I can't.
I dwell on John constantly. My thoughts are on him all the time. Everywhere I look there is something that reminds me of him. I am so lost without him. Questions to be answered....things to do......that I know nothing about. Choices to be made....that I can't make on my own....but have to. Discipline to be handed out...that is totally ignored. Respect that has been ignored....or maybe even lost.
Despair? I am the walking definition of it. Distraught also. I just am so depressed. Sad. Unbearably unhappy. Don't know how much longer I can wear my "happy" face.
Today in devotions it said not to focus on the past, because when we do the darkness covers up what He is doing for us, or has for us.
Believe it? Yes. Living it? No. Why? Because I can't get past that I have lost my love. My best friend. My helper, my husband, the father of my children, the perfect mate, the person that meant everything to me. I can't get past that. And so the darkness surrounds me.
Pray for me. I am tired....and can fight any longer.