Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Well, I made it through the weekend. It was rather hard. Isaac had a baseball tournament and played so well. I was so proud of him, and I know John would have been also. I missed him by my side. I used to lean on him at games, or sit close (in our chairs) and share things about the game, etc....I didn't realize how much I loved that until I didn't have it.

Sunday was Isaacs birthday with the whole family. All birthdays are hard. When I went to get the card, do your realize most "son" cards say "To Our Son". I almost cried in the store. I didn't know if I should get one that said "our" or one that just said "son". I ended up getting one that just said "son". But when I signed it....I couldn't bring myself to sign just "mommy" ....I had to sign it mommy and daddy. That is the way it is suppose to be. I was so anxious to see Isaacs expression to know if that is what I should sign. Well, he read it and smiled and that was it! So, I don't think it bothered him as much as it bothered me!!!! I still missed John being there to watch him as he opened his gifts. He is so funny.

I also had an experience picking out Mother's Day cards. It was hard buying one for Marilyn. I hurt for her. How do you celebrate with YOUR son gone? I also thought about the two mother's who also lost their sons recently. Oh, God, be with them all.

Then I thought about myself. John always did the shopping then just added the kids names to it. Let them wrap or bag it...to make it their own to me. I really, honestly, don't want to celebrate without John.. I am a mother because of him. When we celebrated mother's day it was a celebration for both of us. Oh, Lord...carry me through this.

Then yesterday we had a golf tournament for the Emma Grace Williams Fund. Matthew and Isaac played in it. The girls and I worked it. It was fun. But, I knew how John was looking forward to it. I knew he wanted to be there. In fact, I couldn't believe it....as the guys were coming in at the end of the day....I actually found myself watching for him to pull up in the golf cart. When I realized what I was doing, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It was good to know, that when I shared this with Marilyn, that she too, was struggling with the day. Knowing that John should have been there. He had planned to be there. I was not alone. So, it was a hard day.

Today was a little difficult. I suppose it was more just left over sadness from the weekend and yesterday. I was sick to my stomach most of the day...just thinking about having to come home and fix dinner. I just didn't feel like it.

But when it came time, the kids were saying they were hungry, I think I look the enemy in the face, got up and fixed a prepared meal. But, it was fixing!!! Then, right after dinner...I thought...hey...one more thing...enemy....I am going to fix Matthew Lemon Squares. And I did! Though they were from a box, I feel like it was victory. I did not give in. I did not give up. I know the Lord carried me through the whole dinner making to the dessert eating. He did it!!!

The kids are doing great. Sometimes when I have one of them in the car with me, by ourselves, I might look over and see he/she looking out the window in deep thought. I always wonder, as they stare out the window, what their thoughts are. I find that that is always the time I think the most is in the car. I find myself shaking my head over a past hurt I may have caused John, and how I could have done that....or how I don't want to go on without him.....I have so many thoughts that come to me while I am driving. So, I wonder what they are thinking. Sometimes I will take their hand in mine and ask. They might just look at me and smile....or smile and say "nothing". But, I have a feeling that they are. Isaac especially goes into deep thought.

It is during these times that I really have to fight the enemy in my thoughts. I have to deliberately "think on those things which are TRUE, HONEST, AND PURE, AND WORTHY OF HIS NAME, FOR WHEN I THINK ON THESE THINGS....GOD'S PEACE WILL BE WITH ME. I really have to make an effort to do that. And He is always faithful.

Pray for both Matthew and Hannah to find the job that the Lord has for them this summer. I know there is one out there. Just lead them to it. Or speak to His servant that wants to do his will by hiring one of the kids.

Pray for all the kids to do well as the end of the school year draws to a close. Pray that they will have wisdom and understanding of the work and the tests that are put before them.

Pray that they listen closely to what the pastor has to say in his sermons these past few weeks, and the week to come. Help them to ponder what he says and to grow closer to him as they do it.

Pray for God to "command His Angels charge over each of us, to guard us in all our ways. That they will lift us up and protect us from stumbling". Pray His hedge of Angels around us.

Pray for God to give me wisdom in what it takes to run the household. Pray for wisdom in raising the children. Pray that he give me strength in all that has to be done.

Thank you...to all of you....for all you say, all you do and all your prayers...God Bless You !!!!

Love and Prayer,

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Thank you to all of you for your positive comments. I don't usually have time to sit down on Saturday morning and write on my blog. But this morning...for once..I have some quiet time. Ha!!! I should be doing laundry, cleaning house, bathrooms, etc....but I don't have that motivation. I actually felt led to get on here. More on that later.

Hannah is in Lindsay, OK at a track meet. I was originally going to go. But Isaac has his last baseball games today at a tournament in Piedmont. Hannah still has a few more track meets. So I asked her if she minded that I didn't go with her. She said she didn't mind. So later, I will be heading to Piedmont for his Baseball game. While keeping in contact with her to see how she is doing. I know she will do well. And, we all know Isaac will after what happened Thursday night. He told me that that was the most fun he has had playing with the school team this year. Pretty bad when it has come to the end of the season!!! He will play in the summer league though and he had fun in that last year.

I mentioned that I felt led to get on here this morning. It was after my devotions. I was feeling a little blue...Isaacs birthday is coming up tomorrow...actually Monday...but we will celebrate Sunday at dinner with the whole family. Then I was thinking about Mother's Day. Mine,yes, because last year...as John and I were mending our relationship he made it so special. I keep going back to that day. Then, for Marilyn, how she must be hurting so much, losing her son, having to celebrate without him. She must be in so much pain. So, last night, as I sat in the living room alone, I had these thoughts racing through my mind. I really had to put them in the Lord's hands as I laid my head down. And as always he was faithful. Almost overslept to get !!!

But as I read my devotions, in a very melancholy spirit, the Lord began to speak to me through the devotions, his word, etc. At the end of my devotional time I always read two devotional books. They both spoke to me in such a profound matter. My spirits were raised and I began to look at THIS day differently. Tomorrow is in God's hands. I don't have to worry, because he goes ahead and prepares the way for me.

So, when I was thinking of heading to Panera Bread, I sat in my chair and began to think of my blog. And I felt moved to get on here and share my devotions with you. I felt like maybe they needed to be put on here to help someone. So here they are:

This is from God Calling (I have paraphrased some of it so it wouldn't be so long....

Within you is the Life of Life. The Life that down the ages has kept my servants, in peril, in adversity, in sorrow.

Once you are born of the Spirit, that is your Life's breath. You must never doubt, never worry, but STEP BY STEP, the way to freedom must be trodden. See that you walk it with me.

This means no worry, no anxiety, but it does not mean NO EFFORT!.. When My Disciples told Me that they had toiled all night and taken nothing, I did not fill the boat with fishes WITHOUT EFFORT ON THEIR PART! NO!!! My command stood. "Launch out into the deep, and let down your nets for a draught."

Their lives were endangered, the ship nearly sank, the help of their fellows (I noticed that they had help from their friends...just as I have Jeff and Sallye, and many more that have come to help me at this time)had to be summoned, and there were broken nets to mend. Any one of these trouble might have made the feel My help was not there. And yet as they sat on the shore and mended those nets, they would see My Love and Care.

The man who reaches the mountain height by the help of train or ca has learned no climber's lesson. But remember this does not mean no Guide....this does mean that My Spirit is not supplying wisdom and strength. how often, when sometimes you don't know it, I go before you to prepare the way, to soften a heart here, to overrule there.

......As I read this...I began to think...you know...I think I thought that God would do it all. That I didn't have to work hard to come back from this tragedy. That all I had to do was pray, seek him, and all would fall into place. Well,this has shown me that it is going to take work. That it is going to be hard. But he goes ahead of me...always...and always prepares the way for me. Always has a plan. That He loves me and cares for and about me. But, I must work.....or no lessons will be learned.

Then there was this devotion from Jesus Calling:
This was a real teaching one....

Rest in the stillness of My Presence while I prepare you for this day. Wait on Me in confident trust. Be still and know that I am God. There is both passive and an active side to trusting Me. As you rest in My Presence, focusing on Me, I quietly build bonds of trust between us. When you respond to the circumstances of your life with affirmations of trust, you actively participate in this process.

I am always with you, so you have no reason to be afraid. Your fear often manifests itself in excessive planning. Your mind is so accustomed to this pattern of thinking that you are only now becoming aware of how pervasive it is and how much it hinders your intimacy with Me. Repent of this tendency and resist it, whenever you realize you are wondering down this well-worn path. Return to My Presence, which always awaits you in the present moment. I accept you back with no condemnation.

.........Wow....Again...There is a time to be passive in my trust of Him, but then there is the time to be active. I feel like at this time in my life I have to be both at the same time. But, never did I think that there were two ways to trust in Him.

The part about excessive planning spoke to me also. I am a planner. I want to know what I am going to do the next minute, hour, day, week, etc. But, I think the book was so true when it said that excessive planning can hinder my intimacy with Him. So, today, I did repent and promised my Lord that I would resist it. That He does go ahead of me, preparing my way. I don't have to be excessive in it, constantly dwelling on how my day will go, how it will end......its already done...I just have to be in constant communion with Him and it will all fall into place.

Well, I hope one of them spoke to you as they both spoke to me. Isn't He amazing??

Hope to see you, my friend, at church tomorrow. Can't wait to hear what God has to teach me and show me.

Love to you all,

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Thursday, April 22, 2010

God is so faithful! And, I love sharing his faithfulness with you....my faithful readers. I have been sleeping in my own bed every night now. There are moments that I wish he were beside me...but God is so good to be there beside me.

To share another answer to prayer.....I was getting ready to take a shower Tuesday night, I let the water run for a minute before I got in and when I stuck my foot in....I thought it would freeze!!! I waited a little bit longer, knew no one else had taken a shower yet, turned it all the way to hot.....ta da!!! No hot water. I called Jay and he and Mark came over and looked at it. It was shot. History. But Mark volunteered to put it in, all I would have to do is buy one. Friends, I had hot water by the next afternoon! And he got a great deal on one...a bigger one!!!! I was so happy. I appreciate him doing that for me.

Something I am learning more and more....well it started in a devotion.....that I am not to let unexpected shake me up. The devotion said that "He is the same....." so when unexpected, unwanted things come into our lives that we are to rest in Him and know that he is still at work in our lives. That we are okay. So when the water heater went out, yeah, I kind of started letting it bother me, then I remembered....its okay...it isn't the end of the world. Focus on what God wants me to learn out of this. I believe there is a lesson in everything. Focus. I did. And it was alright. I was alright. I slept fine that night. Knowing it was in God's hands.

Then Wednesday night Rach had a softball game. And she made an awesome play! Caught a grounder to second backhanded, ran to second and threw it to first. Had there not already been 2 outs she would have made a double play. Now, mind you, this is the little girl that John and I used to get a chuckle from because she loved softball so much, but we just didn't think she had it in her!!! She so surprised everyone! I told her I knew that daddy saw that and his mouth was still hanging open from surprise! Awesome play!!!!

Tonight we went to Isaac's baseball tournament in Piedmont. We were down 4-2. We were struggling a bit and Isaac got up to bat, hit a grounder, hard to short stop....short stop bobbled it, and he made it to first. It seemed that that was the turning point for the game. One after another the guys were hitting great hits, or the pitcher was walking them. We were coming into home base one after another. We ended up winning 8-4!!!! I told him that he just made the team know they could do it!!!

I just want to mention a thank you to Western Lawns. They are doing a fabulous job on my lawn. It looks so good. More than I imagine. Thank you so much.

Also, I just found out that they have set up a trust fund for my kids as SNU. A scholarship fund. It is called the 'Griffis Children Educational Trust Fund.' I don't know too much about it, but if you are interested in donating you can mail a check to SNU at 6729 NW 39th Expwy, Bethany, OK 73008. Your donations will be divided equally among each of the kids' accounts, and can be used by the kids for any college's costs and not just SNU. If you have any questions call David Long. I consider that an answer to prayer. I couldn't imagine, or even dream of sending my kids there if they hadn't set that up. Thank you SNU and all who donate.

I want to also thank all of you who support me, who are wrapped around my life and my family. Who have taken me under your wings and helped me through this journey. It is because of you, and the help of our Lord, that I am where I am. I will survive because of the love and prayers that you give to me.

Thanks again...I love you all,

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

God is so Faithful!!! I took a giant step last night! I mean a big one for me!!! And it turned out to bigger than I expected!

I SLEPT IN MY OWN BED!!!!!! I started to feel like I was ready a little while ago. But I wanted to be sure. I only told Sallye and Jeff because I didn't want to be pushed or asked when or if I had yet. We began the process about over the weekend. I had a tone of laundry on the bed. I had started folding my laundry there and leaving it there. Even the kids knew to go there to get clean clothes and towels! So, we cleaned that off.

It may sound funny and ridiculous...but I asked Sallye and Jeff if I could have one of their old t.v.'s that they had offered me a while ago, to put in the room. I was afraid if I didn't have one that I might lay in there and think, since I am good at that. I didn't want to let my mind of time to wonder. They got me a t.v. and Jeff put it in my room.

So, last night, I got ready for bed thinking the whole time..."I can do this". Rachel had told me that she would sleep with me for a while so I thought at lease I wouldn't be alone. But, when it came down to it she said she didn't want to...."she wanted to sleep in her room". Well, I couldn't back out now, if I did I was afraid she would feel guilty and think she HAD to sleep with me. So, I grabbed Molly, our little Schnoodle, and told her she was gonna have to sleep with me!

We got into bed, I said a prayer. Kind of fought with Molly to stay in my room. She is used to sleeping with the girls since she came to live with us! But finally she curled up beside me and settled for the night. I turned the t.v. on to watch, set the timer for one hour, and settled. I thought, "I am in "our "bed. And I am okay! I felt a calm. A quietness, I felt His presence. I know God was there. I didn't have a deep sadness like I had expected. Oh, I was a little sad. I was alone! But, I wasn't alone. I told a friend at school that I know without a doubt God was there in that room with me. I sensed Him. I was too calm, too relaxed for Him not to be present.

I awoke a couple of times in the night. But I had remembered the devotion I had a while ago. It said all we have to do is whisper "Jesus" and He is right there. So, I would start to say, "Jesus, help me fall asleep again." But I told my friend, always, always, before I could get the sentence out I was alseep again. I only would get "Jesus" out. When I woke this morning....I realized He was there. He would hear me say "Jesus" and knew my need before I had to finish.

I was so excited. I felt sorry for the teachers at school. I would just tell them that I slept in my bed last night!! They were so happy for me. They knew what a step it was for me. One teacher said she could see how happy I was by my face!!!!! I did it! We did it! God did it.

A song came to my mind this morning as I was asking the Lord to give me more of Him. I know there is more. I want all of Him. I want His spirit to dwell in me. I want Him to be the potter...I am the clay. As I was praying, the song, "OH! To be like Him" came to my mind. I have been singing it all day. Isn't that what the Pastor has been telling us to strive for? Isn't that what Dave has told us we had to do to be all He wants us to be? I am so ready. I want it all.


What a song! What a cry! That is my cry, and my prayer. I want to be like Him. I want to be His witness.

Pray that God will pour His spirit on me. That I will be open to Him, holding nothing back.

Pray for Matthew and Hannah to both get some summer jobs. We really need this to happen.

Pray for Isaac. Give him an obedient heart. A desire to do the right thing.

Rachel is going through a difficult time. I think it is just her time to grieve for her daddy. Pray for God's spirit to be with her. Bring her a joy unspeakable!

I still haven't been able to eat at the table. And I am still having trouble fixing meals. They are usually pre-made meals. I just can't do it. I don't know why. But, I know in his time God will arrange that. So, pray that as he showed me the time to move in my bedroom, he will also show me the time to eat at the table and once again enjoy fixing meals again. I used to love that! Pray for the joy of that to come back.

Thanks for your prayers....We are seeing Him answer them!


Saturday, April 17, 2010

Saturday, April n17, 2010

Hey Friends;

First I want to thank the person that has been bringing me special ME gifts every month. It was so good to come home to one Friday. It had been a long day...and as I pulled up in the car...I saw the bag. And immediately I was renewed in spirit and mind. Thank you whoever you are. Thank you for being obedient to God's calling.

I didn't have a good nights sleep last night. I am still not in my bed. Rachel had a friend stay overnight and so I slept on the couch. It wasn't good. I was awake most of the night and all I could do was go down memory lane. It was not good. When I woke this morning at 5:30, I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and an ache in my heart for John. So, I got my coffee, and went immediately to His word.

God was faithful. I just love reading his word. It is so full of truths and promises. I am reading the Bible in a year also, so it is interesting because scriptures that I have read all my life have a whole new meaning to me. It is exciting. But, God spoke to me through JESUS CALLING again. It said:

I am training you in steadiness. Too many things interrupt your awareness of Me. I know that you live in a world of sigh and sound, but you must not be a slave to those stimuli. Awareness of Me can continue in all circumstances, no matter what happens. This is the steadiness I desire for you.

Don't let unexpected events throw you off course. Rather, respond calmly and confidently, remembering that I am with you. As soon as something grabs your attention, talk with Me about it. Thus I share your joys and your problems; I help you cope with whatever is before you. This is how I live in you and work through you. This is the way of PEACE.

WOW!!! Steadiness. That is what I need. I need to have the faith to believe...no matter the circumstances, no mater what interrupts my day, life as it is. Steadiness. That is faith at work!!!!

So, I was determined to do something that I had put off for a while. For several reasons. One, I have been so busy that I couldn't get to it, secondly, I was afraid of what I would find. I have a hall closet that had not been cleaned since we moved in. At the very top (we have probably 8-9 foot ceilings) was a shelf that hadn't been reached very often. But I knew that there might be things to bring back memories I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with.

But, today was the day. I got up there and went to work. Yea, there were things. Like baby pics with John in them. His favorite childhood Snoopy book, and then a file that his mom must have given us a long time ago. I didn't remember it. Maybe she gave it to him. But it was all his grade cards (remember those) and all the newspaper clippings that she had cut from papers of he and his sporting events. Then, the hardest....our wedding picture, his baby pics, a 9 year old pic of him. And then there was the picture of him as a baby, that I had framed, as well as a picture of me as a baby that had hung in our baby's room when they were infants.

The pics of him...I kept out. I want to do something with them. I don't know what yet. I set our wedding picture out. It was hard. But you know...I kept whispering Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And I kept thinking of my devotion this morning. I was having a good day...don't let this unexpected finding, event interfere with God's work in me. And it didn't.

I even showed the pics of John as a baby to Matthew. I havent' showed him the clippings from the paper yet. I think I might do it when he and Isaac can look at them together.

My heart still hurts from that today. I miss him. But, God is helping, little by little, minute by minute.

I don't get on facebook hardly at all anymore, but my sister said that Rach has mentioned John several times in her postings. Pray for her. Obviously it has come her time to grieve. She hasn't said anything to me, but I am going to mention it to her and see what she says. She was the one that said that that song that John and her used to love, about daddys little girl and how the little girl grows up to be married and he sings about dancing with her on her wedding day. Rachel reminded me of that not too long after he passed. And she said, "I told daddy that I would dance with him on my wedding day." That is pretty much all she has said. So, it has come her time. Please pray for her.

Continue to pray for Hannah a new job. Today was her last day at Panera. She was a happy little girl. She said it just wasn't the same when her favorite manager, Dawn, left. She didn't like it anymore. But, she does realize that she needs a job. I am glad for that.

Pray for Matthew. He needs another job besides his job at the course. Pray that something will come up that he will be able to work into his schedule this summer.

Pray that I have wisdom to run the household. There are so many things I see that I want to do...but don't know how to go about it. Then days will go by and I will forget. Then a few days later I remember. Just give me wisdom Lord. Grant me knowledge.

My biggest and most important request is that my children know the Lord. I want them to have a personal relationship with Him. I want them to experience His goodness, His love, His mercy. I want them to know My Lord. Pray for each of them.

One other prayer request....We always went some place during the summer on vacation. We were talking of Wyoming before John passed. The kids haven't forgotten. I want to do it for them. Just pray that it works out. They want it to be a family vacation. I understand...and I can do that. But, again, its one of those things where John worked out the details. Yes, we are going to my parents in Illinois, but they want a FAMILY trip. So just pray for this...even if you think it is a weird prayer request.....it is important to me, to my children.

Praise the Lord with me. Emma is finished with her Chemo. We went out and celebrated with the family Friday night. It was so good to see her be herself for a change. She is so precious. What a blessing she is to our family. Praise the Lord!!!

Thank you for reading. I love you all.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Friends, My faithful friends, thanks for ALL your comments. Whether negative or positive, understood or misunderstood, I thank you for all of them.

Todd, thank you for your comment. You know, I don't know who was positive or who was negative. God helped me move beyond any of those comments anyway. I am just glad that you are reading and praying. After all, that is why I am blogging. For prayer and support. Thank you for being there. BTW...do I know which Todd you are? I know two Todds.

And...please all of you. Never think I would be angry at anything you say on here. We all have our opinions. This blog helps me in so many ways I can't tell you. I could never be angry or upset at something someone says. You are free to your opinions....I encourage them. They make me think about this journey I am on.

Pat, you are so faithful. Thank you for your poem. I did print that and will put it somewhere. It is exactly as I feel each and every night. It's funny how people that have gone through the same thing....know exactly what I am feeling and when. I know God places you here with me.

Jeff......I have nothing to ask forgiveness for....if I read your comment right. I think I have every reason to believe that I can't do all that John did. I have every reason. I do feel inadequate at times. And put in my situation I believe most people would. I guess I didn't understand all that you said, because I don't see you saying what I think you were saying. Or if I did understand it right, I don't agree with you.

But, I do have to say that I agreed with some of what you said. God is strengthening me every day...I am growing.

As most of you know, Pastor David told us to seek God's face....to seek more of Him this week. I had already been doing that. I just feel that there is more to what I have. I have been asking Him to give me more of Him. More of what He wishes for me. And it seems that every morning my devotions help me to move to a higher ground.

My devotion this morning was soooo good in God Calling it said;

Obey My commands. They are steps in the ladder that leads to success. Above all, keep calm, unmoved.

God back into the silence to recover this calm when it is lost even for one minute. You accomplish more by this than by all the activities of a long day. At all cost keep calm, you can help nobody when you are agitated. I, your Lord, see not as man sees.

.....All work here is accomplished by My Spirit, and that can flow through the most humble and lowly. It simply needs an unblocked channel. Rid yourself of self and all is well.

Pray about all, but concentrate on a few things until those are accomplished. I am watching over you. Strength for your daily, hourly task is provided. Yours is the fault, the sin, if is unclaimed, and you fail for lack of it.

Something that I have struggled with is the fact that I couldn't understand how God could take John so soon. I got my answer in yesterdays devotion. And it somehow helped me. It was in the book Jesus Calling:

At the end of your life-path is an entrance to heaven. Only I know when you will reach that destination, but I am preparing you for it each step of the way. The absolute certainty of your heavenly home gives you Peace and Joy, to help you along your journey. You know that you will reach your home in MY PERFECT TIMING: NOT ONE MOMENT TOO SOON OR TOO LATE. Let the hope of heaven encourage you, as you walk along the path of Life with Me.

++++After reading that I just bowed my head an actually thanked the Lord for taking John in His time. Only God knows why. God had prepared him. While I prayed and cried I realized that that was part of my problem. I was disappointed with God for taking him too soon....that he wasn't ready.....I wasn't ready. But, we don't live for ourselves, we live for God. God was ready for John. It was John's time.....God's time. So, I can move on in that area of this journey. I don't have to fight that anymore. Oh, I am sure the enemy will bring it back and try to make me wonder again...but I will try to remember my devotion yesterday and how I was so thankful to my father for showing me this. "Not one moment too soon...."

Praise the Lord with us...Our baby Emma (Jonathon and Jessica's baby) is through with chemo. She is returning to the happy baby we once knew. We thank the Lord for hearing our prayers and touching her sweet tiny body. Thank the Lord with us.

Pray for Hannah and her job situation. I know God has a plan for her. I ask her every day if she is praying and she tells me she is. I am praying that this will be a growing and learning lesson for her that the Lord is faithful to us when we ask him to lead us.

Please continue to pray for Isaac. I know he is struggling with so much. I know he is still missing John so much. I think sometimes I try to fill in for him and I am learning that I can't do that. All I can do is be there for him. Pray for him in school. He is really struggling. He took the occt...something test today and said he did terrible on it. It is supposedly suppose to be like the important CRT test that they will be taking in a few weeks. It will help them to know where they are so they know where to place them next year. I am really worried. If he didn't do well on this first sample like test....then what of the CRT? Pray for him please.

Pray for Rachel. I know recently she has really been missing John. She is taking some pitching lessons and I know she wished John was here to help her and see her as he was the middle school softball coach and she and John had talked often about her playing. Pray for her.

Pray for all of us. I am in the midst of memorizing Psalm 91, and one of the verses says, "He will command his angels charge over me to guard me in all my ways. I will tread upon the lion and the cobra, on the giant lion and cobra I will trample down."

So every morning I have prayed that scripture...that the Lord will command His angels over us....that he would guard us in all of our ways. I pray that the kids will begin to have a growing desire to serve the Lord. To make Him real in their lives. Please pray this with me.

Pray for Matthew to also get a good job. He is working at Lincoln again....last I knew. But it is only part time. So he needs another part time job for the summer. So please pray for him.

Thank you again for listening to me, for praying for us, for loving us.


Monday, April 12, 2010

Monday, April 13, 2010

Wow! I am loved!!!! Thank you for all the positive, reassuring comments!!! You guys are why I blog. It is the comments that you make, the happiness in your writing, your faithfulness to me and to our Lord that keep me going!!! You guys are great.

Today was a pretty good day. A little struggle here and there. A thought here and there of my loved one. But I would whisper, "Jesus" and a calmness would cover me.

I hate fixing dinner. I tell you, I just dread it every evening...actually before. I started thinking about it this morning!!!!! This morning!!! How I could get out of cooking!!!! Sometimes it is easier than others...sometimes harder. When the harder times hit, I either take them out to eat, or fix and let them to themselves to eat. Tonight was one of those nights. I would like you to pray with me about it. I used to love to cook! I loved it! It just isn't the same. We haven't eaten as a family at the table. I just can't yet. We either eat in the living room together, or they go off to their rooms. I know it isn't right. I know it doesn't help things. But to force myself to fix and eat at the table would....well, it wouldn't be pretty. So pray that I figure it out. I really want to know why I am bothered by it. Or, maybe I am not to understand, just learn from it. And that is fine also. But I need help with it....and my help comes only from my Lord. So please pray with me about it.

Well, I made a decision tonight that I was scared to make. It would have been and John decision. But, Hannah has been wanting to quit working at Panera for a while now. She just hated going in. I didn't know that when she did go to work she would sometimes sit in the car and cry before going in. She said she didn't know why but she just didn't want to work there anymore.

We had went through this discussion about 1 month ago and kind of argued about it. I told her that there was no way she could quit with her senior year coming up, trips, proms, etc...and she loves to go out and do things. I could not pay for that stuff. She would need to stay put. She wasn't happy about it then and was not tonight when we talked about it. In fact, she was in tears.

As I sat and talked with her, my heart began to move in sync with hers. I felt for her. She said that it was hard working someplace that you hated. I told her that that was a fact of life. But then I was checked. It isn't that important that she learn that lesson now. So, I told her that she could give her two weeks notice tonight, but she had to begin looking for a job right away.

She brought up SNU. Wondering if she could work there this summer. I told her I thought that was a good idea. So, I told her to go get a app tomorrow right after school. We would fill it out and take it in. We would wait, and then a week before school let's out if we haven't heard from anyone we would do it again. She thinks it would be a great idea to work on campus. I think it would be great too! Having her this close...no driving...which I am constantly worrying about those late night hours.

I also told her that we were going to take this to the Lord. So, I am asking you to really make this a matter of prayer. I told her that God can do this....and it will be fun watching him work. Just pray that the right person get her app and will be interested enough to giver her a call and a try.

Isaac had a little trouble at school today. He is struggling in Pre-Algebra and Science. So, please pray for him. Pray for wisdom in these areas and ask the Lord to help him retain what is taught. God is faithful.

Hannah has a track meet tomorrow. Pray for continued safety and protection.

Thanks again for your wonderful comments...each and everyone of you. I have not been forgotten. I am loved and prayed for. Thanks for encouraging me and reminding me that you are there. I am not alone.


Sunday, April 11, 2010

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Friends, I am sorry it has taken me so long to get on here. Busy, busy...is the only word I can find. With Isaac playing baseball, Rachel taking softball pitching lessons, and her softball practices, and Hannah track.....I am pretty busy.

That was alright...it gave me time to think about all of your comments. Some positive to me, some negative to me. That's okay too. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Jeff, you are always so positive with what you say...as many of you are. I look forward to hearing your comments and words of encouragement.

But, to you others....until you walk a mile in my shoes, please don't tell me to move on. I have had ladies that have been in my place tell me that it took years....my psychiatrist tells me I am doing fine......I am right where I need to be emotionally and mentally. The books that Dr. Randall Spindle has given our family to read tells me and shows me that I am right where I need to be. So, until you have been exactly where I am, you cannot possibly tell me how to handle it. But thanks for reading my blog just the same.

This blog was first created to let you know how John was doing. After his passing, and I felt I was able, I began to use it as a sounding board....as a way to receive encouragement, others point of view, and mainly prayer. That is why I am not angry or upset regarding the negative comments, or the "move on", "enough is enough" comments. That is your point of view. I don't have to accept it.

However, I am doing better. In my devotional book, Jesus Calling, I read two devotionals that spoke directly to me...(which I might add to the person that asked if I really believed the scriptures I quote...."sometimes the darkness hides His face"...those are the dark days....when I need the prayer.....when the waves are washing over me and I feel I am drowning).......It says,

This is time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.

You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.

and....the other..

I am taking care of you. Trust Me at all times. Trust Me in all circumstances. Trust Me with all your heart. When you are weary and everything seems to be going wrong, you can still utter these four words: "I trust You, Jesus." By doing so, you release matters into My control, and you fall back into the security of My everlasting arms.

Before you arise from you bed in the morning, I have already arranged the events of your day. Every day provides many opportunities for you to learn My ways and grow closer to Me. Signs of My Presence brighten even the dullest day when you have eyes that really see. Search for Me as for hidden treasure. I will be found by you.

I was at my deepest when I read them. This last one was the big one....with determination, I left the house that morning...thinking...whenever I feel the enemy trying to get to me...to destroy me....I will just say, "JESUS". That was all I was going to say.

And throughout the day...I did. I said it several times. And each time I really believe that the enemy had to flee. And I have used it since that day.

I used it Saturday. Isaac and I rode our bikes for the first time this season in the Red Bud Classic. It would have been John and I. As we were loading the car that morning.....and was having trouble with the bike rack, I began to tear up...(not letting Isaac know)...but I was remembering John doing all of that. I never had to deal with that. And I thought how much we were planning to do the red bud this year....with Isaac...the three of us. And I thought of how sad it was that Isaac will never get to experience this with his daddy. But, then I remembered my 'word', JESUS. And I said it, I whispered it. The thoughts were gone. Throughout the ride I had to say it several times...but each time He was there reminding me of His presence.

We had a great time. Isaac had a great time. He rides like his dad liked to ride....fast. He would ride way ahead of me, wait for me, check with me, then off he would go. Now, John stayed with me more, but I couldn't let my little fellow do this thing. He loves going fast! He had a fun time. He just wishes he would have won that cool bike they had for a prize!!!

I am on a journey.....as the Israelites were...there were days when they doubted God's existence, sometimes it would take them a while to see His hands at work, other days, it seemed he was a prayer away. I too have those days. I am told they are to be expected. That I am normal. I don't think, yet, I know what normal is for me. But it will come. All will come.

I am excited for the new sermon series.....I have been praying for God to let me see His face. I have been seeking His face in my morning devotions. I want to be like Him. I am anxious to see what He is going to do in me and through me. I believe I am in for a big change. I can't wait. I believe God is going to use Pastor David and David O'bannon to fulfill His plan for me. Whatever it is...I am willing.

John's birthday is May 7. I know it will be a hard, hard day for me. I won't know what to do. I loved surprising him. The kids and I would always have a cake and gifts waiting for him when he got home from work, if it was on a workday. The kids loved celebrating his birthday. He always made their gifts to him seem like the best one in the world.

I have been thinking about going out to the grave site on his birthday. I really want to. But at the same time I am doubting I can do it. I thought of also asking the kids. We haven't been out there yet. I don't know if any of us are ready. So, I am asking you to pray for me to know what is the right thing to do. And to have the courage to do it, whatever it is.

Matthew is doing fantastic. Playing with the kids. Actually having conversations with them. Loving on them, loving on me. As far as I know school is going great for him. He doesn't talk much as I have mentioned before. The coach has asked Matthew to red shirt for this year. Which means he can play golf for 4 years. I don't know you can ask someone about it. I don't get it. Anyway, the team is playing a tournament at Lincoln tomorrow and since it was his home course, Coach asked him to help the coach the guys. He is thrilled. He is so excited. I am very happy for him.

Hannah is doing great. Since her revelation to me she spends more time at home and we laugh more together. She seems so much happier than she did before, I know she was holding that in. She is planning to go to the prom with her friends. She just loves this getting dressed up stuff. I was never into that, and I know John wasn't so i don't know where she gets that from!!!

Isaac is doing good. Since the ride on Saturday it seems like we have a new bond. He has been pretty obliging toward me. Even studying his Science tonight...and it was tough, he was good. He still needs prayer to keep him afloat in school. He just has no desire to succeed in school. It is no big deal to him. He is enjoying his sports though. He is playing baseball right now and loves it.

Rach is also doing great. Always has. Just little Miss Happy. She is playing softball, and is taking pitching lessons. She would like to play fast pitch softball with the school next year. I hope she can pick it up.

I would still like to see a spiritual change in each of their lives. I am praying that this new series will touch their lives right where they are in their spiritual journey. I am praying that God work in their hearts and I pray that you would pray the same.

Well, it is time to study for science again. And...I have kept you long enough. Thanks again for all your comments, and for your faithfulness to me and my blog. Sometimes, just getting it out .... makes a difference.

Love to you all,

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Tuesday, April 7, 2010

I feel so alone. Yet, I know I am not. I feel abandoned, yet I know I am not. I have so many negative feelings going through me that all I see around me are dark clouds. I want so much to turn back the clock, the days....yet I know I can't.

I dwell on John constantly. My thoughts are on him all the time. Everywhere I look there is something that reminds me of him. I am so lost without him. Questions to be answered....things to do......that I know nothing about. Choices to be made....that I can't make on my own....but have to. Discipline to be handed out...that is totally ignored. Respect that has been ignored....or maybe even lost.

Despair? I am the walking definition of it. Distraught also. I just am so depressed. Sad. Unbearably unhappy. Don't know how much longer I can wear my "happy" face.

Today in devotions it said not to focus on the past, because when we do the darkness covers up what He is doing for us, or has for us.

Believe it? Yes. Living it? No. Why? Because I can't get past that I have lost my love. My best friend. My helper, my husband, the father of my children, the perfect mate, the person that meant everything to me. I can't get past that. And so the darkness surrounds me.

Pray for me. I am tired....and can fight any longer.


Saturday, April 3, 2010

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Friends, I am afraid I am feeling mindless, foggy, my mind is rushing in so many directions. As I had devotions this morning I just cried out to the Lord. Asking Him if He was hearing me, and I begged him to read my thoughts. Usually I write my prayers out,.....I couldn't this morning. It just seemed like there was so many....so much.

After I had my devotions, I thought of you, my faithful readers, and your prayers. And I know sometimes you get weary of my ups and downs, even what I write doesn't make sense a lot of days. Yet, you pray and you read and you comment. And I thought, you know...I am going to talk to them this morning. I am going to just ramble....and I am going to just let them decipher what they can and pray for what they understand.

I told Matthew about the vehicle situation. It didn't go well...AT FIRST. But I really believe that when he had time to think about it, and the Lord had time to talk with him, he came around. He came to me, put his arms around me and told me to do what I wanted. That he would stand behind me whatever the decision was. That whatever I vehicle I got he would be okay...he would drive the saturn. It didn't matter to him. He hugged me and hugged me. He apologized for getting angry and told me he loved me. The words I long to hear from him.

But, now in my mind I battle with wanting him to still be happy with whatever I get. I don't know why! I want him happy. Happier than me if so be. I just don't get it. He wants another, maybe smaller SUV...as I do also, but that makes no sense. It defeats the purpose of the whole gas thing I think. I don't know much about SUV's but I thought they were all gas hogs. Yes, he wants it for looks, but I would like one because i will be having to put 3 bikes on a vehicle to go bike riding. So I am so confused. I just cry to the Lord for help! Help in deciding, making the right choice, doing the right thing, doing what is best. I was never good at making decisions. That was John's job. That is his job!!!!!!!

And it is hard getting rid of the explorer for so many reasons. One, John and I talked often about how much we loved that car. John talked about how it was one of his favs since we had been married. I know you may laugh at that reason, but it is real to me.

Then, the whole Easter thing! How do I celebrate the rising of my Saviour, when in my heart I mourn and grieve for my love one to be here. My heart is so torn. While I praised the Lord this morning for dying for me...giving his life for me...I cried because my heart yearned for John to be here to celebrate with me and the kids as we used to. Dying/coloring eggs is a big thing at our house....or was. John made it so fun. You know...you knew him....how he could make everything so much more fun than it should have been.

So how, how? How do I celebrate Christ, and grieve my beloved? Torn.....again.

Happy? Not sure I can go there this weekend. I will put up a good front....for my kids. For you. But just know my heart is dead.

I have to tell you. Yesterday....I realized how I really felt when I was almost hit broadside by a car. As I looked back at the car that hit me, my thought...exactly...was this...."You know that may not have been so bad! That would have been okay." And then I wished that it had.

:Pray for us.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

April 1, 2010, Thurs

Just got home from Isaacs baseball game. Can't sleep. The girls are gone to friends house...boys are in bed. I am really feeling lonely today.

It was one of those days. I woke up late making everyone late and on edge. It just made me feel so overwhelmed. I am so tired. Weary. I feel pulled in so many directions. Trying to make everyone happy. I don't want to cause any conflict amongst me and/or the kids.

I have been driving the Saturn. An older car....old car...that gramps gave Matthew when he went to OWU. It was not the "Typical" teenagers car, but it was all he had at that time. He loves to drive our explorer. My explorer. He drives it all the time now. Pretty much. I drive the Saturn. It gets great gas milleage...great....as well as Hannah's little truck. But that Explorer. It is a gas hog. Well, with Isaac having games our of town......way out of town, and Hannah have track meets....way out of town...I really need a more reliable car.

Because I was driving more and further distances I was telling David that I would have to budget in more gas money. When he figured out I was driving the Saturn so far....and Matthew was driving the Explorer he kind of wondered why. I explained that he didn't like the Saturn....and I didn't mind driving the Saturn. He then explained to me that there were people who were taking care of the explorer for me so I would have something safe to drive. Therefore, driving long distances, by myself, I should drive that.

Upon further discussion he suggested that maybe we could trade the Explorer in for something smaller that used less gas. Which would also mean that that would put Matthew back in the Saturn. You wouldn't believe the internal conflict I am going through. I know the right thing would be to do just that. But then he would be upset and wouldn't want to drive the Saturn. I would once again let him have the newer car. Again defeating the purpose.

I am so confused. I don't want conflict. I want Matthew happy. But what do I do? I don't know. I am just yapping away because it is on my mind....and this is my voice! Do I save gas? Do I make Matthew unhappy? I mean ...I don't mind driving the Saturn. But I put $10 worth of gas in the explorer for Matthew the other night....it brought the needle up to about 1/4 of a tank. The next night I got in it to run to Walgreen's and it was already on empty. I can put 10 in the Saturn, or Hannah 10 in the truck and it will last us a week at the least.

Just pray with me. I don't even know what to pray for!!!!! But pray!!!

The kids are doing great. Matthew seems to have more love and life in him than I have seen in 10 years!!! I felt so badly about waking up late, and yes Isaac yelled at me. I went in to wake Matthew up and he had heard the conversation and he just called me to his bed, put his arms up, and hugged me. He is becoming more and more sensitive. Tonight he spoke before he thought and immediately apologized to me. That hasn't happened in like forever!!!!!

Hannah, seems not to mind staying home as much anymore. I really think it was a break through when she voiced her opinion to me. She is doing a lot better now.

Isaac still needs a heart change. He becomes angry so easily.

Rach is doing great. She still has a little time being away from me...but can be talked into it!!!!

All of them need a real and deep relationship with our Lord.

I am feeling really lonely today and yesterday. I keep thinking I can't do it. Easter is hard. We had fun Easter morning. I am going to do the same.....I don't want to change anything. The kids are already asking...(the little ones) about coloring eggs. A Saturday evening tradition. But it wont' be the same. I am hoping that Hannah keeps her good attitude through it all.

Pray for us. It will be a hard weekend.

I love you all so much for being my friends and listeners, readers, commenters..etc...angels...

Thank you,