May 2, 2010

Well, tonight I feel pretty good. This weekend has been long and hard. But...here I am....God keeps his promises....I am okay.

Hannah had a track meet in Watonga Oklahoma yesterday (Saturday). She ran the 2 mile in 12:50. Pretty good. Got her second, and now she is going to state next weekend.

The hard part for that was my trip up there. Alone. All alone. It gave me time to think which was not a good thing. As I went through Kingfisher I was reminded of the last time John saw her run...it was there. I was reminded of the time I went to a golf tournament with him to watch Matthew play. How much fun we had driving in the cart together.

Thinking of all that, brought me to the fact that in 6 days will be his birthday. Wow, the kids and I always did his birthday up big. We had fun. He always made it fun. Even if we wanted to do something goofy with him..he went along....and made us laugh.

Then, that took me to Mother's Day..........enough said. Yea, I am not his mother. But, he made the day so special for me.

I saw Marsha Adams today as I was walking home from my in laws and I told her, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and it would be Monday the 10th. Everything done and gone.

I guess I need to do something for his birthday. I want to. I want to celebrate him. But I don't know how.

I don't want to hurt the kids. I don't know what to do.

Matthew talked about him for the first time today. We were watching golf on t.v. and John's favorite player was on. Course I didn't know that. But Matthew said, "There is daddy's favorite golfer." It was just a statement. It was like he was seeing how it sounded, how I would react, how it made him feel. But, it was so sweet.

It is really awesome what God is doing in my life. At first I was assuming that when I gave everything to God, that I would be free of the pain and hurt and sadness. But, those are all results of a fallen world. I am not free of them, but God helps me through these times. They are growing times for me.

As I was on my way to the track meet, and crying in the car, I called my sister Chris. I told her how I was feeling. I just needed to hear a devotion, a scripture...something. She shared a devotion with me and then a great story that she heard.

It was a story about a lady that was in the ocean swimming. She got caught up in a riptide and started being pulled out farther from the shore. She fought it for a while, and then she was reminded that she was to just relax and be still, not fight it......and sure enough the riptide took her out to the calm waters, and she was able to swim around the riptide and into the shore.

Chris said that sometimes that is what happens to us. We have troubles, sadness, hurts and pains, and we feel like we are in a riptide....we fight it and fight it, trying to do it with our own strength. If we would just relax, and be still in God's arms He will bring us out to calm waters.


I feel like that is what I will have to do this week. In my mind, I keep telling myself I CANNOT make it this week. As it gets closer and closer to his birthday. But, I try to remind myself that I need to rest, relax and be still and let God bring me through the week. No matter what I face. Oh, it is going to be so hard. I am asking for an abundance of prayers.

I don't think the little ones..Hannah, Isaac and Rachel even realize it is coming....I think Matthew does....but hasn't said anything to me. Either way....there is going to be hurt for all of them. Pray for them also.

Pray for God's angels to be around us this week. To lift us up .... to carry us when we think are are falling and failing.

I love the Pastors message this morning. I have been praying that God just take my all and fill me up. When pastor spoke about being broken and spilled out...I wanted that. I want to be spilled out....I want to be used. I want God to use His opportunities for me to show someone His faithfulness, His worthiness, His goodness, His salvation. I am excited about what God is doing in my life.

Then in Sunday School. Wow, I felt convicted when Dave talked about what is stopping us from witnessing, what is keeping me from hurting for others. I knew it was my past that kept me from doing it. I have had to give it to God all over again. So, the enemy cannot hold it against me. I am forgiven. I am broken. I am spilled out...to be filled and used by My God, and Father.

Hannah goes to Ardmore for the State track meet this Friday and Saturday. I think all of us are going down to cheer her up. It means for the kids to miss Friday at school...this is when she will run in the 2 mile. Then we plan to stay overnight. I thought it would be fun for the kids to have some family time while going to the meet. AND...it will be John's birthday and I am hoping that being away, and focusing on Hannah and her meet will help me to at least get through Friday.

Pray for Hannah. Give her strength and speed. Pray for me. It will be so out of my realm to go on a trip without John. Pray for wisdom for me. To know what to do when checking in to the hotel, food, money...all that is involved in doing a trip. That was John's job. I just didn't have to worry. He took care of everything. He was so good to me. Pray for the kids to have a good time.

I want to ask you to pray for Marilyn too. She is hurting so much.......not having her son to celebrate with on Mother's Day. I would say I can't know the pain she is feeling....but I feel the pain...I know how she is hurting...and I don't want her to hurt as I am. Pray for her. Pray for peace. We share a lot together...our feelings, tears, sadness, thoughts. We know each others pain. Please pray for her.

Cherokee Forsberg, and Doug and DaVonna have been heavy, very heavy on my heart. You know, I know the pain of not knowing whether your love one will be with you the next day or not. Yes, it is their child, it was my husband. But, I still think the pain, whatever kind, hurts, saddens, and overwhelms them. I know they must be so weary......pray for them. Pray for Cherokee.

Pray, pray, pray. That is the only thing that will pull us all through.

If you are reading this...thank you.....you are faithful.

Saundra