Saturday, April 3, 2010

Friends, I am afraid I am feeling mindless, foggy, my mind is rushing in so many directions. As I had devotions this morning I just cried out to the Lord. Asking Him if He was hearing me, and I begged him to read my thoughts. Usually I write my prayers out,.....I couldn't this morning. It just seemed like there was so many....so much.

After I had my devotions, I thought of you, my faithful readers, and your prayers. And I know sometimes you get weary of my ups and downs, even what I write doesn't make sense a lot of days. Yet, you pray and you read and you comment. And I thought, you know...I am going to talk to them this morning. I am going to just ramble....and I am going to just let them decipher what they can and pray for what they understand.

I told Matthew about the vehicle situation. It didn't go well...AT FIRST. But I really believe that when he had time to think about it, and the Lord had time to talk with him, he came around. He came to me, put his arms around me and told me to do what I wanted. That he would stand behind me whatever the decision was. That whatever I vehicle I got he would be okay...he would drive the saturn. It didn't matter to him. He hugged me and hugged me. He apologized for getting angry and told me he loved me. The words I long to hear from him.

But, now in my mind I battle with wanting him to still be happy with whatever I get. I don't know why! I want him happy. Happier than me if so be. I just don't get it. He wants another, maybe smaller SUV...as I do also, but that makes no sense. It defeats the purpose of the whole gas thing I think. I don't know much about SUV's but I thought they were all gas hogs. Yes, he wants it for looks, but I would like one because i will be having to put 3 bikes on a vehicle to go bike riding. So I am so confused. I just cry to the Lord for help! Help in deciding, making the right choice, doing the right thing, doing what is best. I was never good at making decisions. That was John's job. That is his job!!!!!!!

And it is hard getting rid of the explorer for so many reasons. One, John and I talked often about how much we loved that car. John talked about how it was one of his favs since we had been married. I know you may laugh at that reason, but it is real to me.

Then, the whole Easter thing! How do I celebrate the rising of my Saviour, when in my heart I mourn and grieve for my love one to be here. My heart is so torn. While I praised the Lord this morning for dying for me...giving his life for me...I cried because my heart yearned for John to be here to celebrate with me and the kids as we used to. Dying/coloring eggs is a big thing at our house....or was. John made it so fun. You know...you knew him....how he could make everything so much more fun than it should have been.

So how, how? How do I celebrate Christ, and grieve my beloved? Torn.....again.

Happy? Not sure I can go there this weekend. I will put up a good front....for my kids. For you. But just know my heart is dead.

I have to tell you. Yesterday....I realized how I really felt when I was almost hit broadside by a car. As I looked back at the car that hit me, my thought...exactly...was this...."You know that may not have been so bad! That would have been okay." And then I wished that it had.

:Pray for us.

Love,
Saundra