Monday, November 29, 2010

I asked the kids to go to church as a whole family yesterday. It felt so good. I felt somewhat complete. I know it won't last. They will each want to go to a different service, sit with friends....etc.....but it felt so good....to me.....to have them there beside me.

I find myself wanting to be with them all the time. I know that is okay. But they aren't exactly into that. Each wanting to do their own thing.

Pastor Chris was in our ss class yesterday. I just couldn't get past how hurting Hannah is. I could hardly listen to what was being said. You know how it is....your child hurts....you hurt even worse. That is where I am now. Except it seems so much worse because I hurt for each of my kids.

Rach so precious came in the other night and gave me $3 of what was left of her allowance and said she wanted to help pay for presents for the other kids. She is hurting so badly now. She used to be so bubbly....and I think this thing with Hannah, and yes....even the sadness and tears I have cried, have finally got to her. She is sleeping with me, and last night, as it was just she and I here, she came and sat on my lap for a long time. She wants to hug all the time...and just hold on. She went to ss class with me, which surprised me because she loves her ss class and friends. But I know she is so lost right now.

Hannah has her counseling appt tomorrow night, and that Wed morning she has her psych appt. I will make an appt for the 4 kids together to meet with a grief counselor as soon as possible. Then I have to make mine....and I dread it....i know it is going to be heart wrenching. I am even considering putting off mine until after christmas....i feel like i am overwhelmed as it is trying to get the kids to their appts, basketball games and other things that I can't add another thing to my schedule.

Not looking forward to going to school today. I have so many there that I know love me and pray for me. That even when I look into their eyes I know they love me and I just want to fall into their arms and say "Help". I just want to fall apart. Just because I know they care.....just because I need that hug......So I know that today and possibly the weeks to come before christmas....i will be holding tears in all day at school....that is so hard. AND I want to be happy in front of the students.....there is just so much to hold onto.....and I have to hold it all in......

Pray for the kids. Pray that the grief counselors, the psych dr for hannah, that they all have wisdom into the kids hearts and minds. That they have the words to help them....to help them into the future and out of the past.

Be with me........pray for God to be with me. I can't pray, I can't read his word....I just can't. I feel lost, disoriented, and just at a loss.

Thanks for your prayers and love,
Saundra
And thanks for letting me rattle on and on....it really helps

Saturday November 27, 2010

Its one of those days. I want to stay in bed with the blankets over my head....if is stay in bed I just lay and worry and and think sad thoughts....so i HAVE to get up and do something so my mind is not idle.

Thanksgiving was uneventful. I hated it. I just wanted to get through it. I could not wait to take my meds and go to bed that night. It was over. I think the kids did okay. I know in the evening they all went out with friends. I thought that was good for them. Help them take their mind off of things.

We were suppose to go get our tree yesterday. Yeah, that didn't happen. The kids didn't even ask. I didn't ask.. We acted as if it was just any other day. I think the pain is too great for any of us to even go there. I even think if we went without a tree....no one would care....if we went without christmas...no one would care.

I went out yesterday morning (black friday). Forced myself. John had just started to go with me. We had fun times. He had the chance to go with me two times. He was so funny. But I could not have fun yesterday. I tried...I tried. But I just oculd not. It hurt so bad. I would remember the coffee stops, the laughs.....sharing in questions about gifts, what for whom, why that one...etc....it was so painful. I decided I would never do it again. It was just too painful. I laughed as i got in the car to leave target and I thought how appropriate the name for the day...BLACK FRIDAY. It will always be that.......

Matthew is being so brave. I know he is hurting. But he is really stepping up. He told me he wanted to talk to me so I went to his room. He so sweetly told me he was worried about finances. I told him God would take care of us. He said he just didn't want me to worry about anything else. He has taken the kids places for me...without complaining...and is being so helpful around the house. I just want to be so careful that he does not lost this time in his life to helping me.

Hannahy is doing okay. I don't feel like she is my Hannah yet. But i see glimpses. I had to put some consequences and rules down for her. She accepted the.m pretty well. I still hurt for her. I see the hurt in her eyes. I just hope we can make it through the holidays. She had some friend over last night. I am hoping she will just let herself be swallowed up in their love, support and care.

Rach is hurting. She is sleeping with me. Tha is my tell tale sign. And she just seems sad, preoccupied. She doesn't even care much about having friends over. She did enjoy having hannahs friends over last night though.

Isaac just stays in his room most of the time. I feel like that has been and is escape. I don't blame him. He doesn't have responsibilites...i would not come out either if i didn't have to. I am glad he has basketball. He does enjoy that.

Well...i don' know what today holds. I am afraid to face it. More sadness..more pain i am sure.....

Pray for the kids to find some kind of REAL happiness...i for one am tired of pretending when i am out......at all. I am kind of afraid i will start looking in the wrong places for happiness.......

Pray for us.....i know that is the answer...i don't know how...but i know it is. I am with the kids...if god does things for a reason...why haven't we seen it.

Saundra

Thanksgiving 2010

It is really hard to be thankful for anything. If you look at Rachel's facebook status you can see why my heart is so heavy. All this year,,,this long, long, year I didn't know how much my kids were hurting. It took near tragedy for me to open my eyes. I feel so awful. I feel like I owe them the world.

I told the dr s the past few days...help my kids...help me...at any cost...and I sincerely mean that. IPray for the counselors...pray for the kids...pray for me.

The ss class has been so gracious to fix meals for us. It has been such a blessing. It seems that all energy has left me. I have nothing left.

I think of black friday. I had been going for years. then several years before his passing (2)...he started going with me. Imagine that! What a guy! And he didn't mind! I don't think I will ever be able to go again. It could never be the same.

I don't even know about christmas. I don't know how I can shop. My mind just turns to mush, and my eyes to lakes of water,.....

I mentioned getting a chriwtmas tree last night and hannah said she didn't even want to get one. How do I do that? Rach was there and I saw the sadness in her eyes. I don't know what to say, or what to do.

God let this time pass quickly...please.

\Today we will be with Jay and Marilyn,,,but I get sick to my stomach to think of eating....that empty seat....

Pray for Hannah....I am lucky if I can get her to eat one meal...if that is what you call it...a day. She has no desire...she wants to sleep and that is all.

Pray...pray

Saundra

November 24, 2010....Wednesday

I keep asking myself if i have to live with this ache in my heart, this sick feeling in my stomach till after christmas. I dont know how i can put on a smile and feel nothing but pain.

Took Hannah to see the counselor last night. Wonderful. As Marilyn and I sat and waiting while Hannah and she talked we just thanked the Lord for her. I feel like I have Hannah where the Lord wants her...even thougth she isn't so sure she wants to talk. So pray that she begin to have a desire to open up to this lady. She seems so sweet and so wanting to help her. Pray for wisdom for Tara (the counselor) as shehelps hannah.

Everything seems so subdued at our house. It is as if we are all waiting for the next shoe to drop. You can't know the feeling. We are all walking on pins and needles. We can't really be happy. Rach sleeps with me again. Isaac on the couch...Hannah on the couch..it is as if we don't want to go back to what was.....

Today I am calling about getting 4 kids into grief counseliing as well as making an appointment for me. I get overwhelmed when i think of keeping the appt. Hannah at her own.....the 4 kids at their own, my own grief counseling, Matthew with is psych, me and my psych, hannah with her psych, basketball games, work....family resposibilities. Do you see? Can you see...why i just want to say forget it? Pray that God puts extra time in my day. I dont' know how we will do it...pray for that...and there is even so much more involved.

This moring Rach asked when we will get our hallmark ornaments. A tradition John and I started with the kids on their first birthday.....they get to pick our a hallmark ornament. This is so hard for me. But they look forward to it. I have to say the Lord did answer prayerl.i didn't know how I was oing to do it...but i got a bonus thanksgiving check from school....there is the ornamanets. One hurdle. prayer answered....can't count how many more to go,.....but pray as we do get them today....it was such a family fun thing. I get sick to my stomach....

Pray for us , me to have strength....to go on...so smile even when i don't want to.....
Saundra

November 21, 2010...or Tuesday I think

I am tired of the rumours and the lies. I am tired of the talk that is so untrue. So I am here to set it straight. And when the truth comes out, the lies end and I pray that the prayers begin,

I wont go into detail, it isn't necessary. God is in details. It started Sunday in a lot of pain and suffering. But we found out just how much pain Hannah has been carrying this past year. She took 3 valium Friday night, and then more on saturday night and mixed it with alcohol.

She was mildly evaluated Sunday morning and I was told she needed counseling. I was given a reference and called. Last night my call was returned and it was said for us take her into the hospital because they were afraid she could be suicidal.

We did. And it seemed that the moment Hannah told the psychiatrist that she was in so much pain from her dad passing, and that she never meant to hurt herself and only cover the pain. My Hannah returned. She just needed to get it off her chest.

Still they wanted to admit her....but, because by then she and Matthew we laughing and cutting up....I could not let her stay. All the way home she kept telling me that she was glad I didn't make her stay.

I feel like I made a good decidison. She was different when she got home. It seemed a burden was lifted.

She goes into see a couhnselor today. But none of my kids have been to a grief counselor. Matthew has been the MAN in this whole situation. He is going to make sure the kids and he attend.

I am broken. I am in pain. I keep wondering when I will fall apart.....I don't know how much i can take.

I can't even pick up the bible right now...it seems that i cant focus on anything. All i can do is say a prayer now and then.

I remember a long long time ago...I just couldn't pray...i was depressed and devestated. My mom called and said that I just needed to rest....she would pray to God for me. She rememinded me of the story in the Bible where the mens friends held up his hands because he no longer had the strength...that is where I am rightnow.....I have no strength.

Please pray for us. I ask for prayer for the dr hannah sees today. For wisdom....guidance..insight. For hannah to open up. I pray for Rachel and Isaac who are standing back and it seems that their world is falling apart. For matthew as he tried to step in his dads big shoes.....strength and wisdom. And for me...just to make it. I just need to make it. And my job....i just cant do it right now...pray that they have understanding there.....i am scared abou that. And of course....the whole finance thing is now on my shoulder with dr bills, and not working....oh god....i just am bein ghonest...i have to be.....

Friends...help me.

I may start blogging more than once a day.....i just have to.

Saundra

Novemver 20, 2010

Little did i know that after I blogged yesterday that my day would literally turn into hell.

I am not going to say much. Rumors fly as they do. But take what you hear as a grain of salt...be more than welcome to ask me any quetions at all. I will be as honest as I can without hurting anyone,

But in a round about way we found out Hannah is in deeper help than I could ever imagine my children being in, But I am taking her to a pschiatrist today, We akso hacve come to the point that we all need counselling, We tried it once and it didn't go well for the kids at all, I think it is too raw,. But we are ]]\going to give it a round, I am hoping that they i will find one that the kids can attened in their own group and I will attend myselfl I know that it was too soon for them and they will not toak in front of me in fear that they will make me hurt nore, Matthew has greeed to be the leaderin PNo..
of my meds no wnd prayr g9 tiner

wew 'Pta fre=last I have your= t o taoi tl I will b heew..

I


PS...my sister alerted me to the fact that I needed to look at this post. I was embarrassed when I looked at it because I see why she laughed. I told you before that I am on xanax. Well I had taken some about 30 min before posting...guess I should not have done that. Yeah, I was out of it. So what I was saying was that I need to get back to leaning more on God than on my own strength. Sorry for the goofiness...I won't take my meds before posting again

Saundra

November 19, 2010

As i lay in bed last night I thought well we made it...but I know we were all going to bed with very heavy hearts...still missing him so much. Someone told me the other day it really never goes away. And i thought of how well hannah put it on her facebook page...a year ago a nightmare began that never ends. That is how i guess we all feel....we will never be out of this nightmare.

Today is Hannah's birthday and I don't know how to even treat her. Do I treat her with so much sympathy because my heart is breaking for her and I know she is feeling it too? Do I fake happiness when all i feel is sadness?

Isaac and Rachel and I left School early yesterday. I guess it was so exhausting for them. Just the day, feelings and emotions...not just them but myself also. I began getting texts early from them....and finally I had Matthew come and take them to lunch and then home for the day. They kept texting me, and I couldn't stand for them to all be home alone so I soon left after lunch.

Thankfully they all have such sweet and wonderful friends that occupied their evening. Rachel had her friend Bailey over...Isaac and Matthew hung out with some of Matthew's friends, and Hannah went to the game. So thank the Lord that they had onther things on their minds.

I was very blessed and happy to see all the G shirts. It touched me that he was still remembered by so many. He touched so many lives...my question still comes....why take such a great man from a world that could use him so much?

There is a young man at school. I remember John talking about him. He was special to John...because of the relationship that they had. I still see pain in his eyes when we look at each other. I don't think John, me or anyone will ever know how he touched this boys life. In fact, not too long ago he had the words Griffis ....and the dates shaved onto his head. I could not express to him what that meant to me....it was moving. But it is a testimony of what John meant to this young man, I would one day love to sit down with him and ask him what made John so special to him. Right now though, I believe this boy is still hurting.....

Pray for peace for us. Thanksgving next week.....we normally buy our tree the day after. I dread it. I woild rather go without. But my doctor said I can't...i must move on for the kids. Pray for all of us. How do you even begin to be happy?

Pray for me...wisdom, guidance, and right now......i honestly feel like i am living in another world....another place...a nightmare,....i can't explain what i feel. Just pray for all of us.

Saundra

Thursday November 18, 2010

I can't thinl...it just hurts more and more. I want to go to bed...i don't want to wake up until next year. I have said that before but have never meant it as much.

I did not sleep at all last night. Even took my meds and that did n't help. Rachel came in at one point and just lay beside me.....Lord why?

Why let us continue to hurt? Help me help them. Turn this pain and sorrow into joy...somehow....

I put on a happy face....but i am tired of that lie.

I just want to scream......

I said i would go to school tomorrow, but now I am not so sure I want to. I know everyone is wearing the G shirts so I feel like i have to. But i don't want to. I dont even know what is best anymore,

Went to see my psych yesterday. Of course he said what I am feeling is normal. He gave me help with how to face the holidays...and of course i felt like i had been through the ringer when i walked out. I had cried till i was dry.,...we had talked so much of so many things...i couldn't go back to work..i was a mess. I came home and went to bed.

I know for all of us it is like dooms day looming upon us. I just want to hide. I want to take the kids into my arms and cover us all from what lies ahead tomorrow, sat and the weeks ahead.

Pray for us....pray

Saundra

November 16, 2010

This morning my heart is breaking for Hannah. For reasons I don't know she has decided to not go to the fall ball at school. She was so excited about it.

When she came in last night there was a sadness in her eyes. Then i read her facebook post this morning and she said, "It just never goes away."

It broke my heart and brought me to tears. She said what we are all thinking and feeling this week....all year. It just never goes away. The hurt, the pain, the memories. It is always there and this week even so much more.

The memory of that dreadful sat morning ....the sight i saw when i rounded the corner...i will never forget....and oh how the kids must feel it so much more in their little hearts.

I talked to one of Isaacs teachers yesterday and his grade is plummeting. She said she is aware of what is going on...but it is so confusing on how to handle it. He has been a little more quiet too.

It is funny, I can actually see all of us deteriorating as the week goes on. Each of us is growing quieter, and i noticed the kids will just be sitting and staring off into space.

I don't know how we will make it.

Friday will be especially difficult. I am trying to find something for everyone to be doinIg with their friends...stay overs....etc......I don't want them to be sitting at home Friday evening or even sat doing nothing. I have things I can do to take my mind off....but I worry so much about them.

Course, Hannah is so on my mind. I know she is hurting....what do i do?

Please keep her in your prayers,..all of them. Even my happy little rach has a sadness in her eyes......

I never knew i would hurt this way again...i thought it was only at the beginning of this horrible journey.

Saundra

November 12, 2010

Wow...it has been a long time since I have been on here. School starting, softball games and other time consuming things kept me from sitting down and getting this done.

But, I have found that this month I need it. It was a big help as I started this journey to put down my feelings and ask for prayer. I would always go away feeling like I had actually given the burden to someone else....still heavy, but somewhat lighter.

Well, here we are....back to the beginning in the way. This has been so hard. I was really hoping I could do it. But it has turned out I am struggling. I shared that I felt like this was harder than the first few months after his passing. Someone said maybe it was the shock...the reponsiblities, that I was trying to do that I really didn't let myself completely feel. But oh I am now.

There hasn't been a day gone by that I have not wept. I cannot contain it. I am so wearry. The day came after school one day last week that I fell apart and gave in. I am not as strong as I thought I was. I wasn't sleeping, eating, resting...or even thinking.

I miss him, and I know of course the kids do. It pains me when I see the pain in their eyes. We had basketball games last night. I noticed both Isaac and Rachel chose the number 10 jersey. Remember that was Johns number. Isaac still has not dealt with it at all. He has had angry moments, tearful moments....i don't think he knows how to handle it. Rachel and Matthew have dealt with it in their own way. I think I could tell when Matthew turned the corner. He has become my partner in this journey....hugging me, helping me.....encouragaing me. Hannah has not dealt with it and is dealing with it in her own way....and I am not sure it is always the best. But keep praying for her.

I am on medication again....I don't like it, but it helps me sleep and get through my days. Today, as have been the last several...I would like to curl up in bed and stay there....but I know I have to go on.

I don't want to face the weeks ahead...I don't. I was not going to go to school this Friday (the anniversary) but I decided I would not want to be home.....then Hannah's birthday is Saturday. That is almost worse for me. It brings back the pain that she felt. How can she ever have a "happy" birthday again? I am thankful that the winter ball is this saturday. Hopefully her mind will be preoccupied. Pray for her. Bless her heart...how she must hurt.

Thanksgiving....I have asked that we be alone. My family was more than willing to be here...but i couldn't staned the thought of having all the pain......thinking I had to smile....I just want to be with my kids....and be there for them.

It was tradition to go get our tree the day after thanksgiving. We will probably do it again. But how...how....oh it hurts.

I would rather go without celebrating at all. No tree..nothing. But for the kids....

I will be better about blogging..i need it.....i need the prayer..i need the support....

Love,
Saundra