Tuesday, November 16, 2010

November 12, 2010

Wow...it has been a long time since I have been on here. School starting, softball games and other time consuming things kept me from sitting down and getting this done.

But, I have found that this month I need it. It was a big help as I started this journey to put down my feelings and ask for prayer. I would always go away feeling like I had actually given the burden to someone else....still heavy, but somewhat lighter.

Well, here we are....back to the beginning in the way. This has been so hard. I was really hoping I could do it. But it has turned out I am struggling. I shared that I felt like this was harder than the first few months after his passing. Someone said maybe it was the shock...the reponsiblities, that I was trying to do that I really didn't let myself completely feel. But oh I am now.

There hasn't been a day gone by that I have not wept. I cannot contain it. I am so wearry. The day came after school one day last week that I fell apart and gave in. I am not as strong as I thought I was. I wasn't sleeping, eating, resting...or even thinking.

I miss him, and I know of course the kids do. It pains me when I see the pain in their eyes. We had basketball games last night. I noticed both Isaac and Rachel chose the number 10 jersey. Remember that was Johns number. Isaac still has not dealt with it at all. He has had angry moments, tearful moments....i don't think he knows how to handle it. Rachel and Matthew have dealt with it in their own way. I think I could tell when Matthew turned the corner. He has become my partner in this journey....hugging me, helping me.....encouragaing me. Hannah has not dealt with it and is dealing with it in her own way....and I am not sure it is always the best. But keep praying for her.

I am on medication again....I don't like it, but it helps me sleep and get through my days. Today, as have been the last several...I would like to curl up in bed and stay there....but I know I have to go on.

I don't want to face the weeks ahead...I don't. I was not going to go to school this Friday (the anniversary) but I decided I would not want to be home.....then Hannah's birthday is Saturday. That is almost worse for me. It brings back the pain that she felt. How can she ever have a "happy" birthday again? I am thankful that the winter ball is this saturday. Hopefully her mind will be preoccupied. Pray for her. Bless her heart...how she must hurt.

Thanksgiving....I have asked that we be alone. My family was more than willing to be here...but i couldn't staned the thought of having all the pain......thinking I had to smile....I just want to be with my kids....and be there for them.

It was tradition to go get our tree the day after thanksgiving. We will probably do it again. But how...how....oh it hurts.

I would rather go without celebrating at all. No tree..nothing. But for the kids....

I will be better about blogging..i need it.....i need the prayer..i need the support....



Anonymous said...

It is wonderful to see you back on...I checked often to see if you had started up again. My heart has been holding your family for a few weeks now....as you know. As I shared with you in a text, I know I can call out any of your names, not know what or how to pray, but the Holy Spirit intercedes and the prayers are sent to God. I will continue to call out your name and each one of the kids names in the days ahead. You and your kids are loved so much. I pray for all of us that miss John so much..even in the little things. Mason misses him so! You are my sister in Christ and I choose to bear your burden.

Prayers each day,

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to see you back on here - sharing with us. I am praying for you as always. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

Much love,

Anonymous said...

I have continued to pray for you and your precious family. This will be hard, but these are the times when God will carry you. Love you Pat Mc

Anonymous said...

Saundra I just receved this today and wanted to share it with you. Pat Mc

God's Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.
With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be!"
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
"My child, they're all here with me.."

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go."

Anonymous said...

I am glad to see an update. I have wondered how you and your family were doing. You are still in my thoughts and prayers, especially for this time of year.

Jennifer P.