Saturday November 27, 2010

Its one of those days. I want to stay in bed with the blankets over my head....if is stay in bed I just lay and worry and and think sad thoughts....so i HAVE to get up and do something so my mind is not idle.

Thanksgiving was uneventful. I hated it. I just wanted to get through it. I could not wait to take my meds and go to bed that night. It was over. I think the kids did okay. I know in the evening they all went out with friends. I thought that was good for them. Help them take their mind off of things.

We were suppose to go get our tree yesterday. Yeah, that didn't happen. The kids didn't even ask. I didn't ask.. We acted as if it was just any other day. I think the pain is too great for any of us to even go there. I even think if we went without a tree....no one would care....if we went without christmas...no one would care.

I went out yesterday morning (black friday). Forced myself. John had just started to go with me. We had fun times. He had the chance to go with me two times. He was so funny. But I could not have fun yesterday. I tried...I tried. But I just oculd not. It hurt so bad. I would remember the coffee stops, the laughs.....sharing in questions about gifts, what for whom, why that one...etc....it was so painful. I decided I would never do it again. It was just too painful. I laughed as i got in the car to leave target and I thought how appropriate the name for the day...BLACK FRIDAY. It will always be that.......

Matthew is being so brave. I know he is hurting. But he is really stepping up. He told me he wanted to talk to me so I went to his room. He so sweetly told me he was worried about finances. I told him God would take care of us. He said he just didn't want me to worry about anything else. He has taken the kids places for me...without complaining...and is being so helpful around the house. I just want to be so careful that he does not lost this time in his life to helping me.

Hannahy is doing okay. I don't feel like she is my Hannah yet. But i see glimpses. I had to put some consequences and rules down for her. She accepted the.m pretty well. I still hurt for her. I see the hurt in her eyes. I just hope we can make it through the holidays. She had some friend over last night. I am hoping she will just let herself be swallowed up in their love, support and care.

Rach is hurting. She is sleeping with me. Tha is my tell tale sign. And she just seems sad, preoccupied. She doesn't even care much about having friends over. She did enjoy having hannahs friends over last night though.

Isaac just stays in his room most of the time. I feel like that has been and is escape. I don't blame him. He doesn't have responsibilites...i would not come out either if i didn't have to. I am glad he has basketball. He does enjoy that.

Well...i don' know what today holds. I am afraid to face it. More sadness..more pain i am sure.....

Pray for the kids to find some kind of REAL happiness...i for one am tired of pretending when i am out......at all. I am kind of afraid i will start looking in the wrong places for happiness.......

Pray for us.....i know that is the answer...i don't know how...but i know it is. I am with the kids...if god does things for a reason...why haven't we seen it.

Saundra