This week has been a difficult week. But, God has certainly carried I and the kids through it.
It has been a lonely week for me. The kids, involved with Basketball camps, and vbs, and Matthew at work, left me alone every morning. I realized how alone I was. Being alone....meant my mind wondering...to the past...which led me to sadness. Had to get over that hurdle. A hurdle it was. It took me several day, a lot of Bible reading, a lot of praying. I learned a lot these last few days.
Then Matthew came to me Sunday morning and showed me that he had quite a lump on the right side of his chest. It was pretty evident when i looked at it. So, we showed it to Marilyn Sunday at noon and she suggested seeing Dr. Brown. We made an appointment and went to see him Tuesday morning. He gave us several things it could be and sent Matthew out to the Oklahoma Breast Care center for an ultra sound.
His appointment was Tuesday with Dr. Brown, his appointment at the clinic on Thursday. I had to ask the Lord for patience. And I began praying for Matthew.
It was funny that Wednesday morning when I got up for devotions, turned my music on and there was a song about faith. Not only that...all my Bible reading was about Faith....and my devotions were about Faith! I knew then that God was asking me to have more faith. My faith needed to grow. So my prayer began that God would increase my faith. It is just so hard when it involves your child...as you already know! But, it made me pray all the more for faith and for Matthew.
We went in this morning for his ultra sound. When he went in he came back out and said they had done a mammogram. I (we) didn't even know they were going to do one of those, so that threw me! They did see something on the mammogram so they took him back for an ultra sound.
Praise the Lord....he has what they call gynecomastia. They gave me a paper on it...and this is what it says:
Gynecomastia often occurs at puberty. Gynecomastia may result when the hormones begin to fluctuate between the ages of 11 and 17. ...(it also says that there is an adult gynecomastia....The enlargement may start in one breast and then include the other Bilateral is usually the symptom of a hormonal imbalance, medications or underlying disease but is not related to cancer of the breast.
There is a lot more to be said about it...but I just needed to hear that it wasn't related to cancer. Dr. Brown had mentioned that it could be the medications he is on for depression. So, when I read this and remembered what Dr. Brown had said I was immediately calmed. They will send the results to Dr. Brown and he will decide what to do next. Usually they dissolve on their own, but it could take up to or more than 2 years. If they are too big, or uncomfortable, they can be removed. Medications may need to be changed also. So, we will see what Dr. Brown suggests for Matthew. But, I am praising the Lord that that is all it is.
Isaac has been listening to less than desirable music. Has been for a while. I have, as you know, been praying especially for him. In need of a friend....bending of his will to the Lord's etc. Well, we were out alone together and I talked to him about his music. Course he declared all the reasons that it was okay. Then I said, "What if Jesus...." He interrupted me and said (with a smile), "Oh, I hate this question". When I asked if Jesus was there would he give him his earphones and let him listen. He smiled and then told me that Yes he would. Then we both laughed...like yea, whatever.
I went out to Lincoln to take Matthew dinner and his meds. On my way, Isaac called and said, "Mommy, I deleted all those songs off that are not good songs." I was so happy! What an answer to prayer. I didn't have to fight him, I didn't have to argue my point. I believe God spoke to a very tender heart.
This morning when I went in to wake him for vbs, I almost cried. There, laying beside him on his bed...was his open Bible. He had been reading it before he fell asleep last night. I was so happy. I believe God is doing something so incredible that we will be surprised. Though we shouldn't be because God is faithful. But it will be fun to stand back, keep praying...and watch what God will do!
We had been having trouble with Hannah's truck since last week. Jay, bless his heart, had tried everything he knew what to do. He called Eric Lang from Christian Brothers and he said to take it in. We did on Monday. I got a call on Tuesday and it had been fixed. And...they did it all free. I want to thank them on here and anytime I get a chance. For allowing God to use their business for his glory. You know they advertise on their company car that they are doing it for God's Glory. It is nice to know that there are some businesses that stand up to what they say. I do want to give them thanks, but I also want to thank the Lord for using His faithful followers, and calling on them to help me.
So, it has been an incredible week. Both lonely and sad, but happy and grateful. To the people who are sensitive to the Lords spirit and voice and to the Lord, for taking care of me just as he promises he will do.
My prayer would remain for Isaac. Pray that God bring him a friend that would be available to him. That have the same things in common and enjoy being with Isaac.
Pray for Matthew a car. He is driving the Explorer for most of the time because it is much safer for him to drive it to work than the Saturn. But, at the same time I am not too sure about me to drive it either! So, the cheaper thing to do would be to get an older car, but reliable for him to drive. So, pray that somehow, some way, through Christ, it will work out.
Pray for each of my kids to experience God. I pray that they will be blessed with His salvation.
Bless each of you that read this and pray for us. I am praying for you also. It is the prayers of His people that have put me where I am today. Thank you.
Love,
Saundra
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
June 7, 2010 Monday
This has not been a good morning. Hope my day gets better.
I have had good days and bad lately. The ww passes and the tickets to the Redhawks game have helped a lot to make my days better. I don't have so much time to think. Plus, it puts some normalcy back into our lives.
Yesterdays sermon was great...as it has been the past several Sundays. I have to ask myself...what bread does the Lord have for me today? I actually had my own perspective on that line. Mine was that he will give me just the strength I need for today. Just the help I need for today. Just the "manna" I will need for today....and tomorrow will bring another day. But pastors sermon was a big help to me also. That He gives me what I need, not necessarily what I want. And it is hard to face the fact that sometimes what we want isn't always what is best for us. But, thank the Lord, He does know what is best.
Yesterday was lonely. Matthew was in his room with a bud all day. Hannah was gone. Rach is at Basketball camp until Wednesday...and Isaac was in his room. It seemed very lonely. I had to run to target. As I was heading there I came to the cemetery. I didn't even expect it, but I turned....quickly...and decided to go in. I went and sat by John's place for a while. Just cried, apologized for pain I ever caused him. Told him how much I missed him. How much the kids missed him. Then just sat quietly. A bird came and landed close by. I thought...you know, God is so wonderful to make such a beautiful bird. And it was as if the Lord said, "And your life will be beautiful again." There is a hope in Christ.
Course, I noticed that there was still no grass so I searched in the car and thankfully, it was a messy and I found an old Sonic cup. I made trip after trip and watered the ground. Hopefully it helped some.
Today is even lonelier than yesterday. Matthew is at work. Hannah is at Basketball camp at SNU. Rach is still gone. Isaac is at VBS. Thanks to Glenn Adams he is working VBS. He needed to get out. I am so thrilled for him. But it is lonely here. Normally John and I would be working on a project, riding bikes, etc. Which is why I set here now in tears.
We have been having nothing but trouble w Hannahs little truck. It won't stay charged. Plus, the saturn is on its last leg. We are checking the mileage on the explorer. Jay and I took Hannah's truck into the Eric Long's shop this morning. Trying to decide if I should trade the Saturn in and get something cheap for Matthew. All this just loading me down. Burdening me. I strive to put it in his hands...but always take it back. Pray for me.
Then this morning...in spite of my sadness, in spite of all going around and around in my mind, and boggling it...I decided to go on a bike ride. Headed down 39th exp toward Lake O and got a flat just as I turned down the lakeside drive....I just cried for a minute, looked to see if I thought I could change it, decided I couldn't. Cried some more...then called Jay. He picked me up, we put it in his van and I could hold it no more. I know he is hurting too, but I fell apart in his arms. Why? Why?
My bread....My bread...He knows what is best. That keeps going thru my mind. I am not instantly healed of my pain, my tears. But I have a hope. I sit and cry. I hurt. I hurt badly today. I miss John badly today.
So much. There is so much racing through my mind. I feel like I am losing it. I am losing focus. I am losing my hope.......
Pray for me. Pray for me. Pray that I will find peace, hope and strength to carry on. That these problems, which I know are really tiny compared to so many other things......pray that I will have victory.
Pray for Isaac to have a buddy, not a friend, a buddy come into his life so the void will be filled. So, he will want to do things with him, have time for him and teach Isaac.
Pray for the truck. That it won't be anything serious. Pray for direction with the saturn. Pray that God will reveal his will for me....I know he has one...even for what to do in this instance. Help me to shut out the voice around me and listen for My Fathers.
Pray...pray for the kids to be blessed by His Salvation. Pray for all of us.
Saundra
I have had good days and bad lately. The ww passes and the tickets to the Redhawks game have helped a lot to make my days better. I don't have so much time to think. Plus, it puts some normalcy back into our lives.
Yesterdays sermon was great...as it has been the past several Sundays. I have to ask myself...what bread does the Lord have for me today? I actually had my own perspective on that line. Mine was that he will give me just the strength I need for today. Just the help I need for today. Just the "manna" I will need for today....and tomorrow will bring another day. But pastors sermon was a big help to me also. That He gives me what I need, not necessarily what I want. And it is hard to face the fact that sometimes what we want isn't always what is best for us. But, thank the Lord, He does know what is best.
Yesterday was lonely. Matthew was in his room with a bud all day. Hannah was gone. Rach is at Basketball camp until Wednesday...and Isaac was in his room. It seemed very lonely. I had to run to target. As I was heading there I came to the cemetery. I didn't even expect it, but I turned....quickly...and decided to go in. I went and sat by John's place for a while. Just cried, apologized for pain I ever caused him. Told him how much I missed him. How much the kids missed him. Then just sat quietly. A bird came and landed close by. I thought...you know, God is so wonderful to make such a beautiful bird. And it was as if the Lord said, "And your life will be beautiful again." There is a hope in Christ.
Course, I noticed that there was still no grass so I searched in the car and thankfully, it was a messy and I found an old Sonic cup. I made trip after trip and watered the ground. Hopefully it helped some.
Today is even lonelier than yesterday. Matthew is at work. Hannah is at Basketball camp at SNU. Rach is still gone. Isaac is at VBS. Thanks to Glenn Adams he is working VBS. He needed to get out. I am so thrilled for him. But it is lonely here. Normally John and I would be working on a project, riding bikes, etc. Which is why I set here now in tears.
We have been having nothing but trouble w Hannahs little truck. It won't stay charged. Plus, the saturn is on its last leg. We are checking the mileage on the explorer. Jay and I took Hannah's truck into the Eric Long's shop this morning. Trying to decide if I should trade the Saturn in and get something cheap for Matthew. All this just loading me down. Burdening me. I strive to put it in his hands...but always take it back. Pray for me.
Then this morning...in spite of my sadness, in spite of all going around and around in my mind, and boggling it...I decided to go on a bike ride. Headed down 39th exp toward Lake O and got a flat just as I turned down the lakeside drive....I just cried for a minute, looked to see if I thought I could change it, decided I couldn't. Cried some more...then called Jay. He picked me up, we put it in his van and I could hold it no more. I know he is hurting too, but I fell apart in his arms. Why? Why?
My bread....My bread...He knows what is best. That keeps going thru my mind. I am not instantly healed of my pain, my tears. But I have a hope. I sit and cry. I hurt. I hurt badly today. I miss John badly today.
So much. There is so much racing through my mind. I feel like I am losing it. I am losing focus. I am losing my hope.......
Pray for me. Pray for me. Pray that I will find peace, hope and strength to carry on. That these problems, which I know are really tiny compared to so many other things......pray that I will have victory.
Pray for Isaac to have a buddy, not a friend, a buddy come into his life so the void will be filled. So, he will want to do things with him, have time for him and teach Isaac.
Pray for the truck. That it won't be anything serious. Pray for direction with the saturn. Pray that God will reveal his will for me....I know he has one...even for what to do in this instance. Help me to shut out the voice around me and listen for My Fathers.
Pray...pray for the kids to be blessed by His Salvation. Pray for all of us.
Saundra
Friday, June 4, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
It has been a little while since I have been on here. Since getting the ww passes I have been gone everyday....and now sunburned. But the kids are having so much fun! I didn't know they would enjoy it half as much as they have. It has done me good to see that.
Tuesday we spent the whole day at ww. Then, when we got home, we found a surprise in the mail and we were able to go to a Redhawks game that night! We loved that so much. Thank you so much to the sweet angel that did sent that. There was hardly anyone there. It was like having the whole place to ourselves. A tradition we used to have when we went to the Redhawks game was at the seventh inning stretch we would get the kids Dipin' Dots. A little expensive if you ask me, but it is a special treat for them....that is all they are allowed and they know that. So it works out really well. We usually sneak bottles of water in so we don't have to pay for the costly drinks!!!! Though I was surprised. It had been a while since we had been there...for some reason I was thinking that General admission was $6, it was really $10! Probably a little more than I would like to pay for a night out...but we were there....go for it! I am glad that I did. They talked about wanting to go back.
Today...when we got home from ww, Isaac got to the door first....and there were some Redhawks tickets! He was so excited!!!! Then we were all excited. We don't know who you are that brought them, but I/we really appreciate it! I don't think it is just me that want to fill our days and evenings with busy-ness....I think they do also.
Tonight, I took Isaac, Rachel and Hannah (Matthew was working) and as we got in the car I said..."Guys, we are just going to have fun tonight!" And we did! We went to the Red Robin to eat. Partially for me, but also for them. That was where John and I enjoyed going. It was hard...but I knew that it was a healing time for me. They loved it!
Then we went to the mall. Walked around, dreamed, laughed, even played! We just enjoyed one anothers' company. What a blessing.
The hard part, and I noticed Isaac seeing it at one point....were the signs that mentioned Father's day. I saw him look directly at one at least once. And he quickly averted his eyes. My heart went out to him. I could see the pain, I felt the pain. I did. I have been feeling it. I know we need to celebrate Jay as a Father. I mentioned to Dawn about leaving town. I know we did that for John's birthday on May 7 and it just seemed to make it so much easier. So I told her that maybe we could all go to Tulsa and spend the evening. The next day the guys could play golf, the girls swim at the hotel. I know she has been so busy to even think about that. So, I think I am just going to make plans to do it myself with the kids. I think it would be best. It was hard enough on all of us on Mother's day. I don't think I can bear that again. It is just too soon. Call me a chicken, call me faithless....I call it surviving.
What we have decided on the explorer is that I am going to fill it up and keep track of the mileage and see exactly what it is making in mpg. That was David's idea. I know God placed David where he has...so I can rely on him for decisions that I can't make alone and that John would usually make. So, I pray. I pray for David and I pray for me...that together we will do what is best for our family. When he mentioned that it was as if a load was lifted. I guess it had become such a burden trying to decide what to do that it was a relief to just do it this way and really see what the mpg is...and then make a decision.
We still need to get rid of the lil' ol' Saturn and get Matthew a car. I think it is on its last leg and I want to get rid of it before we are without a car for him. I can't imagine what that would be like. I know it would very well drive me crazy!
My prayer requests are:
Pray for my plans for Father's Day to go well and easy. That things will work out.
Pray for the Father..to be a Father to my children...filling that void that is there....filling their need for a Father....Holding them as their daddy did. Pray for each of them.
Pray for the car situation to just fall into place. It can happen you know. I believe in miracles..I have seen them. So, pray that David, Jeff and I have wisdom from God to do whatever it is that he sees fit.
Our home has is slowly becoming the loving, Christlike home that I have been praying for. Continue to pray that the kids will be blessed by God's Salvation. That Christ would so fill our home that guests will feel His spirit when they enter.
One more prayer...my psychiatrist said that I need to spend more time with MY friends instead of constantly worrying about the kids being happy, meeting their needs, being away from them etc. He said I am almost to burn out or break down. But it is hard to be away from them. I haven't shared this with only my sister..today..but whenever I hear a siren I immediately get my phone and call each of the kids that are gone to be sure they are alright. It just seems I can't relax unless we are together, or I know that they are all happy and safe.
So pray that that will come to me. Peace. And that I will determine to be with my friends again. That I will make and find the time to be with my friends again. It is just so hard to leave my kids. I want to be with them...to guide their every move, every action...everything about them....I need to be there for them.
Thanks again for the gifts, the blessings, the prayers, and each and every thought. I appreciate them more than I can even say.
In Christ's Love,
Saundra
Tuesday we spent the whole day at ww. Then, when we got home, we found a surprise in the mail and we were able to go to a Redhawks game that night! We loved that so much. Thank you so much to the sweet angel that did sent that. There was hardly anyone there. It was like having the whole place to ourselves. A tradition we used to have when we went to the Redhawks game was at the seventh inning stretch we would get the kids Dipin' Dots. A little expensive if you ask me, but it is a special treat for them....that is all they are allowed and they know that. So it works out really well. We usually sneak bottles of water in so we don't have to pay for the costly drinks!!!! Though I was surprised. It had been a while since we had been there...for some reason I was thinking that General admission was $6, it was really $10! Probably a little more than I would like to pay for a night out...but we were there....go for it! I am glad that I did. They talked about wanting to go back.
Today...when we got home from ww, Isaac got to the door first....and there were some Redhawks tickets! He was so excited!!!! Then we were all excited. We don't know who you are that brought them, but I/we really appreciate it! I don't think it is just me that want to fill our days and evenings with busy-ness....I think they do also.
Tonight, I took Isaac, Rachel and Hannah (Matthew was working) and as we got in the car I said..."Guys, we are just going to have fun tonight!" And we did! We went to the Red Robin to eat. Partially for me, but also for them. That was where John and I enjoyed going. It was hard...but I knew that it was a healing time for me. They loved it!
Then we went to the mall. Walked around, dreamed, laughed, even played! We just enjoyed one anothers' company. What a blessing.
The hard part, and I noticed Isaac seeing it at one point....were the signs that mentioned Father's day. I saw him look directly at one at least once. And he quickly averted his eyes. My heart went out to him. I could see the pain, I felt the pain. I did. I have been feeling it. I know we need to celebrate Jay as a Father. I mentioned to Dawn about leaving town. I know we did that for John's birthday on May 7 and it just seemed to make it so much easier. So I told her that maybe we could all go to Tulsa and spend the evening. The next day the guys could play golf, the girls swim at the hotel. I know she has been so busy to even think about that. So, I think I am just going to make plans to do it myself with the kids. I think it would be best. It was hard enough on all of us on Mother's day. I don't think I can bear that again. It is just too soon. Call me a chicken, call me faithless....I call it surviving.
What we have decided on the explorer is that I am going to fill it up and keep track of the mileage and see exactly what it is making in mpg. That was David's idea. I know God placed David where he has...so I can rely on him for decisions that I can't make alone and that John would usually make. So, I pray. I pray for David and I pray for me...that together we will do what is best for our family. When he mentioned that it was as if a load was lifted. I guess it had become such a burden trying to decide what to do that it was a relief to just do it this way and really see what the mpg is...and then make a decision.
We still need to get rid of the lil' ol' Saturn and get Matthew a car. I think it is on its last leg and I want to get rid of it before we are without a car for him. I can't imagine what that would be like. I know it would very well drive me crazy!
My prayer requests are:
Pray for my plans for Father's Day to go well and easy. That things will work out.
Pray for the Father..to be a Father to my children...filling that void that is there....filling their need for a Father....Holding them as their daddy did. Pray for each of them.
Pray for the car situation to just fall into place. It can happen you know. I believe in miracles..I have seen them. So, pray that David, Jeff and I have wisdom from God to do whatever it is that he sees fit.
Our home has is slowly becoming the loving, Christlike home that I have been praying for. Continue to pray that the kids will be blessed by God's Salvation. That Christ would so fill our home that guests will feel His spirit when they enter.
One more prayer...my psychiatrist said that I need to spend more time with MY friends instead of constantly worrying about the kids being happy, meeting their needs, being away from them etc. He said I am almost to burn out or break down. But it is hard to be away from them. I haven't shared this with only my sister..today..but whenever I hear a siren I immediately get my phone and call each of the kids that are gone to be sure they are alright. It just seems I can't relax unless we are together, or I know that they are all happy and safe.
So pray that that will come to me. Peace. And that I will determine to be with my friends again. That I will make and find the time to be with my friends again. It is just so hard to leave my kids. I want to be with them...to guide their every move, every action...everything about them....I need to be there for them.
Thanks again for the gifts, the blessings, the prayers, and each and every thought. I appreciate them more than I can even say.
In Christ's Love,
Saundra
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
June 1, 2010
Yesterday was another one of those hard days. I text my sister, Chris, in Illinois and told her I felt like I was drowning in grief. Overflowing. I just didn't know if I could even make it through the day.
Marilyn and Jay had taken a shepherds hook and a hanging basket out to John's place on Saturday. The hanging basket, which was beautiful, turned out to be too heavy for the hook. So yesterday, (Monday) Marilyn and I decided to go out and look for some silk flowers arrangements, already in a basket to hang there. We went to one store first...no luck...we ended up at Hobby Lobby.
Still we found no pre-made basket arrangements. So we decided to (actually Marilyn would do it...she is good at it) make our own. As we were picking out flowers, the "tear" that I had felt since the morning finally burst. I just leaned on the cart, bowed my head and cried, "I can't believe I am doing this! I can't believe I am buying flowers to take to his place at the cemetery!" I sobbed and Marilyn sobbed right along beside me.
Can you believe it? Can you? John is gone......
Mark and Dawn had planned a family cookout at their house. I am trying to maintain a normalcy at my house so even though it was the last place I wanted to be (it wasn't the family...I love being with them...and they would understand my quietness, sadness) but there would be other people there that I felt wouldn't understand. Other than family, most people forget that the pain still lingers.....
So, I grabbed the kids and went over. I went into Jay and Marilyn's house first. Jay took the kids and went over to Dawns. But I couldn't bring myself without Marilyn. She knew my pain. I told her I just didn't feel like socializing. We both agreed that we felt like we were putting a damper on the cookout. But we went over. I hadn't eaten all day. And still was not hungry, but knew I had to.
It was so hard to be there...with everyone laughing....having fun...I tried. I really tried. I hope no one noticed how awful I felt. How I missed my love.
I actually ended up staying longer than I intended. I already felt like I was a damper...so I didn't want to seem anxious to leave. Finally I did.
When I got home...I just needed to be out. So I asked Isaac if he wanted to go on a bike ride. He didn't, but he has told me that he doesn't want me to go alone. Little does he know that sometimes I would love to go alone...so I could stop and just be alone....with God. But he/we went. Rode 10 miles. I do think a lot while I am riding. And I thought a lot last night. Trying to put things in perspective. I have nothing but christian music on my ipod, so I was allowing God to speak through the music also. (by the way....I want more christian music on my ipod...if you know how to do that I would appreciate some help.....I have heard that if I get back on the computer I will delete everything on there!!!).
When we got home my disposition had changed. God had come. He had comforted me. He had helped me.
I have just finished reading Cyndi Curry's book, "Keeping The Kids Afloat..." It has helped me quite a bit. There are some things that she showed me in her book that I am going to integrate into our lives. Sometimes while reading the book, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Wow, it was so surreal sometimes.
I thought I would love summer being here....but I am not happy about it anymore. Most of the time...I can't wait for bedtime.
My prayer requests are:
For the children. Isaac is especially hurting right now. In church Sunday morning he thought that they were going to show pictures of people who had passed this year. He told me when we sat down, "Mommy, when they start that, I am going to leave." Of course I told him he could. But, then we just sat and cried. I held my arm around him and told him it was alright to cry. And we did, until church started. But I could tell he was on alert for the beginning of the service. He is a very lonely boy. He really has no friends. His friend was John. He didn't need anyone else. I believe he has turned that need for John's friendship onto Matthew. Matthew is trying so hard...but he has his friends, his work. Matthew went camping Sunday with friends. He wanted to go so much, but there were just too many going. I know it hurt him..he mentioned it to me. Cyndi, in her book, said that she hired someone to play with one of her sons. Someone that had the same interests. I am willing to do the same. He loves, LOVES golf. He wants to see the Redhawks play, the rangers play.....he loves playing baseball, basketball. He loves sports. IF you are out there, reading this and are interested...let me know. I have to tell you...he does not warm up to people easily. He never had to learn those skills...he was always with John. Pray for him. Cyndi had a great prayer....that "God would be a Father to the fatherless." Pray that for my sweet Isaac. Please.
Matthew is doing great. He has come a long way. He came and sat on my lap Sunday morning as I was having devotions. We talked a little, cried a little. He told me that he was worried for me and the kids. I told him that he need not worry about me, but that we needed to help the little ones. He agreed. And I know he is trying. But I am afraid of putting too much on him. He is not responsible. He can share in it, but I don't want him to think he is totally responsible. Cyndi advises against telling the oldest that they are the man of the house now. I don't want Matthew to feel that burden. Pray for him.
Hannah still hasn't a job. Pray for her. Her schedule is so busy with cross country and basketball camps. So I worry that whatever job she has will not allow her to attend these. But she really needs to. Especially since she is going to be a senior, plans to attend SNU, and needs every scholarship she can get. I found out yesterday that she plans to stay on campus. Unlike Matthew, which saved us a bunch of money. She is my social butterfly, so I guess I wasn't surprised. But I told her she needs to do all she can, and work hard to get those scholarships. Pray for her, a job, and for her to get the scholarships for college. It is never too early to ask!!!!
Rachel seems to be doing okay. But, I was made aware of some of her posts that she is posting on facebook. I don't get on there often so I didn't know. But the person that brought it to my attention said that she is trying to express her feelings. I am all for it. But, pray for her. She is so young. This is a big thing to process. She needs so much help...that only God can give.
Thanks again for all your prayers, thoughts and support. I really appreciate all of it.
In Jesus name,
Saundra
Marilyn and Jay had taken a shepherds hook and a hanging basket out to John's place on Saturday. The hanging basket, which was beautiful, turned out to be too heavy for the hook. So yesterday, (Monday) Marilyn and I decided to go out and look for some silk flowers arrangements, already in a basket to hang there. We went to one store first...no luck...we ended up at Hobby Lobby.
Still we found no pre-made basket arrangements. So we decided to (actually Marilyn would do it...she is good at it) make our own. As we were picking out flowers, the "tear" that I had felt since the morning finally burst. I just leaned on the cart, bowed my head and cried, "I can't believe I am doing this! I can't believe I am buying flowers to take to his place at the cemetery!" I sobbed and Marilyn sobbed right along beside me.
Can you believe it? Can you? John is gone......
Mark and Dawn had planned a family cookout at their house. I am trying to maintain a normalcy at my house so even though it was the last place I wanted to be (it wasn't the family...I love being with them...and they would understand my quietness, sadness) but there would be other people there that I felt wouldn't understand. Other than family, most people forget that the pain still lingers.....
So, I grabbed the kids and went over. I went into Jay and Marilyn's house first. Jay took the kids and went over to Dawns. But I couldn't bring myself without Marilyn. She knew my pain. I told her I just didn't feel like socializing. We both agreed that we felt like we were putting a damper on the cookout. But we went over. I hadn't eaten all day. And still was not hungry, but knew I had to.
It was so hard to be there...with everyone laughing....having fun...I tried. I really tried. I hope no one noticed how awful I felt. How I missed my love.
I actually ended up staying longer than I intended. I already felt like I was a damper...so I didn't want to seem anxious to leave. Finally I did.
When I got home...I just needed to be out. So I asked Isaac if he wanted to go on a bike ride. He didn't, but he has told me that he doesn't want me to go alone. Little does he know that sometimes I would love to go alone...so I could stop and just be alone....with God. But he/we went. Rode 10 miles. I do think a lot while I am riding. And I thought a lot last night. Trying to put things in perspective. I have nothing but christian music on my ipod, so I was allowing God to speak through the music also. (by the way....I want more christian music on my ipod...if you know how to do that I would appreciate some help.....I have heard that if I get back on the computer I will delete everything on there!!!).
When we got home my disposition had changed. God had come. He had comforted me. He had helped me.
I have just finished reading Cyndi Curry's book, "Keeping The Kids Afloat..." It has helped me quite a bit. There are some things that she showed me in her book that I am going to integrate into our lives. Sometimes while reading the book, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Wow, it was so surreal sometimes.
I thought I would love summer being here....but I am not happy about it anymore. Most of the time...I can't wait for bedtime.
My prayer requests are:
For the children. Isaac is especially hurting right now. In church Sunday morning he thought that they were going to show pictures of people who had passed this year. He told me when we sat down, "Mommy, when they start that, I am going to leave." Of course I told him he could. But, then we just sat and cried. I held my arm around him and told him it was alright to cry. And we did, until church started. But I could tell he was on alert for the beginning of the service. He is a very lonely boy. He really has no friends. His friend was John. He didn't need anyone else. I believe he has turned that need for John's friendship onto Matthew. Matthew is trying so hard...but he has his friends, his work. Matthew went camping Sunday with friends. He wanted to go so much, but there were just too many going. I know it hurt him..he mentioned it to me. Cyndi, in her book, said that she hired someone to play with one of her sons. Someone that had the same interests. I am willing to do the same. He loves, LOVES golf. He wants to see the Redhawks play, the rangers play.....he loves playing baseball, basketball. He loves sports. IF you are out there, reading this and are interested...let me know. I have to tell you...he does not warm up to people easily. He never had to learn those skills...he was always with John. Pray for him. Cyndi had a great prayer....that "God would be a Father to the fatherless." Pray that for my sweet Isaac. Please.
Matthew is doing great. He has come a long way. He came and sat on my lap Sunday morning as I was having devotions. We talked a little, cried a little. He told me that he was worried for me and the kids. I told him that he need not worry about me, but that we needed to help the little ones. He agreed. And I know he is trying. But I am afraid of putting too much on him. He is not responsible. He can share in it, but I don't want him to think he is totally responsible. Cyndi advises against telling the oldest that they are the man of the house now. I don't want Matthew to feel that burden. Pray for him.
Hannah still hasn't a job. Pray for her. Her schedule is so busy with cross country and basketball camps. So I worry that whatever job she has will not allow her to attend these. But she really needs to. Especially since she is going to be a senior, plans to attend SNU, and needs every scholarship she can get. I found out yesterday that she plans to stay on campus. Unlike Matthew, which saved us a bunch of money. She is my social butterfly, so I guess I wasn't surprised. But I told her she needs to do all she can, and work hard to get those scholarships. Pray for her, a job, and for her to get the scholarships for college. It is never too early to ask!!!!
Rachel seems to be doing okay. But, I was made aware of some of her posts that she is posting on facebook. I don't get on there often so I didn't know. But the person that brought it to my attention said that she is trying to express her feelings. I am all for it. But, pray for her. She is so young. This is a big thing to process. She needs so much help...that only God can give.
Thanks again for all your prayers, thoughts and support. I really appreciate all of it.
In Jesus name,
Saundra
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