June 1, 2010

Yesterday was another one of those hard days. I text my sister, Chris, in Illinois and told her I felt like I was drowning in grief. Overflowing. I just didn't know if I could even make it through the day.

Marilyn and Jay had taken a shepherds hook and a hanging basket out to John's place on Saturday. The hanging basket, which was beautiful, turned out to be too heavy for the hook. So yesterday, (Monday) Marilyn and I decided to go out and look for some silk flowers arrangements, already in a basket to hang there. We went to one store first...no luck...we ended up at Hobby Lobby.

Still we found no pre-made basket arrangements. So we decided to (actually Marilyn would do it...she is good at it) make our own. As we were picking out flowers, the "tear" that I had felt since the morning finally burst. I just leaned on the cart, bowed my head and cried, "I can't believe I am doing this! I can't believe I am buying flowers to take to his place at the cemetery!" I sobbed and Marilyn sobbed right along beside me.

Can you believe it? Can you? John is gone......

Mark and Dawn had planned a family cookout at their house. I am trying to maintain a normalcy at my house so even though it was the last place I wanted to be (it wasn't the family...I love being with them...and they would understand my quietness, sadness) but there would be other people there that I felt wouldn't understand. Other than family, most people forget that the pain still lingers.....

So, I grabbed the kids and went over. I went into Jay and Marilyn's house first. Jay took the kids and went over to Dawns. But I couldn't bring myself without Marilyn. She knew my pain. I told her I just didn't feel like socializing. We both agreed that we felt like we were putting a damper on the cookout. But we went over. I hadn't eaten all day. And still was not hungry, but knew I had to.

It was so hard to be there...with everyone laughing....having fun...I tried. I really tried. I hope no one noticed how awful I felt. How I missed my love.

I actually ended up staying longer than I intended. I already felt like I was a damper...so I didn't want to seem anxious to leave. Finally I did.

When I got home...I just needed to be out. So I asked Isaac if he wanted to go on a bike ride. He didn't, but he has told me that he doesn't want me to go alone. Little does he know that sometimes I would love to go alone...so I could stop and just be alone....with God. But he/we went. Rode 10 miles. I do think a lot while I am riding. And I thought a lot last night. Trying to put things in perspective. I have nothing but christian music on my ipod, so I was allowing God to speak through the music also. (by the way....I want more christian music on my ipod...if you know how to do that I would appreciate some help.....I have heard that if I get back on the computer I will delete everything on there!!!).

When we got home my disposition had changed. God had come. He had comforted me. He had helped me.

I have just finished reading Cyndi Curry's book, "Keeping The Kids Afloat..." It has helped me quite a bit. There are some things that she showed me in her book that I am going to integrate into our lives. Sometimes while reading the book, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Wow, it was so surreal sometimes.

I thought I would love summer being here....but I am not happy about it anymore. Most of the time...I can't wait for bedtime.

My prayer requests are:

For the children. Isaac is especially hurting right now. In church Sunday morning he thought that they were going to show pictures of people who had passed this year. He told me when we sat down, "Mommy, when they start that, I am going to leave." Of course I told him he could. But, then we just sat and cried. I held my arm around him and told him it was alright to cry. And we did, until church started. But I could tell he was on alert for the beginning of the service. He is a very lonely boy. He really has no friends. His friend was John. He didn't need anyone else. I believe he has turned that need for John's friendship onto Matthew. Matthew is trying so hard...but he has his friends, his work. Matthew went camping Sunday with friends. He wanted to go so much, but there were just too many going. I know it hurt him..he mentioned it to me. Cyndi, in her book, said that she hired someone to play with one of her sons. Someone that had the same interests. I am willing to do the same. He loves, LOVES golf. He wants to see the Redhawks play, the rangers play.....he loves playing baseball, basketball. He loves sports. IF you are out there, reading this and are interested...let me know. I have to tell you...he does not warm up to people easily. He never had to learn those skills...he was always with John. Pray for him. Cyndi had a great prayer....that "God would be a Father to the fatherless." Pray that for my sweet Isaac. Please.

Matthew is doing great. He has come a long way. He came and sat on my lap Sunday morning as I was having devotions. We talked a little, cried a little. He told me that he was worried for me and the kids. I told him that he need not worry about me, but that we needed to help the little ones. He agreed. And I know he is trying. But I am afraid of putting too much on him. He is not responsible. He can share in it, but I don't want him to think he is totally responsible. Cyndi advises against telling the oldest that they are the man of the house now. I don't want Matthew to feel that burden. Pray for him.

Hannah still hasn't a job. Pray for her. Her schedule is so busy with cross country and basketball camps. So I worry that whatever job she has will not allow her to attend these. But she really needs to. Especially since she is going to be a senior, plans to attend SNU, and needs every scholarship she can get. I found out yesterday that she plans to stay on campus. Unlike Matthew, which saved us a bunch of money. She is my social butterfly, so I guess I wasn't surprised. But I told her she needs to do all she can, and work hard to get those scholarships. Pray for her, a job, and for her to get the scholarships for college. It is never too early to ask!!!!

Rachel seems to be doing okay. But, I was made aware of some of her posts that she is posting on facebook. I don't get on there often so I didn't know. But the person that brought it to my attention said that she is trying to express her feelings. I am all for it. But, pray for her. She is so young. This is a big thing to process. She needs so much help...that only God can give.

Thanks again for all your prayers, thoughts and support. I really appreciate all of it.

In Jesus name,
Saundra