June 7, 2010 Monday

This has not been a good morning. Hope my day gets better.

I have had good days and bad lately. The ww passes and the tickets to the Redhawks game have helped a lot to make my days better. I don't have so much time to think. Plus, it puts some normalcy back into our lives.

Yesterdays sermon was great...as it has been the past several Sundays. I have to ask myself...what bread does the Lord have for me today? I actually had my own perspective on that line. Mine was that he will give me just the strength I need for today. Just the help I need for today. Just the "manna" I will need for today....and tomorrow will bring another day. But pastors sermon was a big help to me also. That He gives me what I need, not necessarily what I want. And it is hard to face the fact that sometimes what we want isn't always what is best for us. But, thank the Lord, He does know what is best.

Yesterday was lonely. Matthew was in his room with a bud all day. Hannah was gone. Rach is at Basketball camp until Wednesday...and Isaac was in his room. It seemed very lonely. I had to run to target. As I was heading there I came to the cemetery. I didn't even expect it, but I turned....quickly...and decided to go in. I went and sat by John's place for a while. Just cried, apologized for pain I ever caused him. Told him how much I missed him. How much the kids missed him. Then just sat quietly. A bird came and landed close by. I thought...you know, God is so wonderful to make such a beautiful bird. And it was as if the Lord said, "And your life will be beautiful again." There is a hope in Christ.

Course, I noticed that there was still no grass so I searched in the car and thankfully, it was a messy and I found an old Sonic cup. I made trip after trip and watered the ground. Hopefully it helped some.

Today is even lonelier than yesterday. Matthew is at work. Hannah is at Basketball camp at SNU. Rach is still gone. Isaac is at VBS. Thanks to Glenn Adams he is working VBS. He needed to get out. I am so thrilled for him. But it is lonely here. Normally John and I would be working on a project, riding bikes, etc. Which is why I set here now in tears.

We have been having nothing but trouble w Hannahs little truck. It won't stay charged. Plus, the saturn is on its last leg. We are checking the mileage on the explorer. Jay and I took Hannah's truck into the Eric Long's shop this morning. Trying to decide if I should trade the Saturn in and get something cheap for Matthew. All this just loading me down. Burdening me. I strive to put it in his hands...but always take it back. Pray for me.

Then this morning...in spite of my sadness, in spite of all going around and around in my mind, and boggling it...I decided to go on a bike ride. Headed down 39th exp toward Lake O and got a flat just as I turned down the lakeside drive....I just cried for a minute, looked to see if I thought I could change it, decided I couldn't. Cried some more...then called Jay. He picked me up, we put it in his van and I could hold it no more. I know he is hurting too, but I fell apart in his arms. Why? Why?

My bread....My bread...He knows what is best. That keeps going thru my mind. I am not instantly healed of my pain, my tears. But I have a hope. I sit and cry. I hurt. I hurt badly today. I miss John badly today.

So much. There is so much racing through my mind. I feel like I am losing it. I am losing focus. I am losing my hope.......

Pray for me. Pray for me. Pray that I will find peace, hope and strength to carry on. That these problems, which I know are really tiny compared to so many other things......pray that I will have victory.

Pray for Isaac to have a buddy, not a friend, a buddy come into his life so the void will be filled. So, he will want to do things with him, have time for him and teach Isaac.

Pray for the truck. That it won't be anything serious. Pray for direction with the saturn. Pray that God will reveal his will for me....I know he has one...even for what to do in this instance. Help me to shut out the voice around me and listen for My Fathers.

Pray...pray for the kids to be blessed by His Salvation. Pray for all of us.

Saundra