Well, this has been a hard week. As I look back I know the Lord has helped me.
Isaac had his toe operated on...just an ingrown toenail. But, he couldn't go to white water...so he was stuck at home all week. Made him very miserable. So we haven't gotten along at all.
Matthew and I had a financial argument last night. Ended up alright..but nonetheless, it kind of took the wind out my sails...which were doing pretty well!
It really gets me down and out when I argue with any of the kids. It just really saddens me. So, I try..at all costs usually, to keep from arguing with them. But, when I do...it puts me in a very sad mood for a while until I can pray my way out of it.
Hannah and I haven't been getting along. I want her to spend more time with us. Isaac and Rachel especially have been wanting her to spend some time with them. But, she is the social butterfly...she wants to be with her friends. So we go round and round bout that.
I don't know. It just seems like we are so miserable and uptight...all of us. We just jump at each other's throats lately. I try to keep in calm and quiet...but it seems things are pretty miserable.
Our home just seems unhappy right now. For all of us. It seems that the kids all only think of themselves. I know this is typical. But it is so bad here. They don't care what the other feels. It breaks my heart!
Matthew was looking so forward to a camping trip last night and today...and everyone that said they were going changed their mind. It made him very sad. So...there I am sad also.
One thing I have learned is that I want the kids happy at any cost. I know I can't do that. That it really isn't my responsibility...or is it? Each one is on my mind...whether at home or away from me. I worry if everything is going okay for them. If not, what do I need to do to make them happy?
I can't say no to them. I can't. I try...I can't. Sometimes I am so weary I can hardly take another step...but I keep going.....Yesterday was White water from 11-4. Then home....then to Bueno...then to Frontier City. I could hardly move. But...Isaac couldn't go to white water with us..so I felt like I had to make it up to him by going to Frontier City.
I tell myself that I am tired of trying to make everyone happy...but then I just have to do it again.
I cried so hard last Thursday evening. The kids wanted to go to Frontier City for the first time this summer (yes we went Th and Friday!!!) so I told them we would go. I was so tired. But more than anything I was sick to my stomach as I thought...I am taking them by myself!!!! I will be sitting by myself!!!! ( I can't do rides!) I became so overwhelmingly sick and lonely.
But....I went. We went. It was very lonely for me. My sister, Chris, from Illinois called when I was there...I cried when she asked me what I was doing and I told her. She said she wanted to be down here with me. I explained that when I thought of anyone who I wanted to ask to go with me...they either had a family....so couldn't afford it....single...couldn't afford it...or wouldn't be able to bear the heat... had a family and had to be with them. There was just no one. I AM ALONE! I have determined that basically I AM ALONE!!!! My kids have their friends, my friends have their families (that I can't ask to leave just to be with me), Jay and Marilyn have each other, Dawn has her family and responsibilities......I AM ALONE.
I thought alot this week that I would just give up. Not on life...but on living. I am really not living anyway. I just get through one day...to face another. Take care of the kids...make sure they are alright...and go on. I am not happy....don't know if I ever will be. There is always a longing, a void, a dark corner.......I don't think I care about myself anymore. I have noticed that make up is less and less. Get up....go for a ride on my bike, come home...meet the needs of the kids. That is it for me. That is all I do.
In my devotions...over and over and over again....they tell me to keep my focus on God. I have tried this week...but I always fall short. Today...I am trying...but I can't seem to climb that mountain to meet him.
Bless Marilyn's heart. I called her to see if they were making their usual Saturday run to Sam's. They were not. When she found out I needed to go she said she could find a reason. Sweet as she is....I know the reason...she didn't want me to go alone. It breaks my heart that she is trying so hard to meet my needs...when she has so many of her own. See, I can't and don't want to be a burden to anyone....
I do want to thank Mariann Schmidt and Kelly Stout. Friday we went to White Water...I have always sat alone...alll day. Well yesterday (Friday) they saw me walking alone and Kelly called me over. I ended sitting by them. I have to say it was one of the best days I have had there. The other best day was when Dawn, Allison and Emma came with me and Rach. But it is so lonely for me there...but again....the kids love it there....so there I am.
Well, better get to Sam's. The kids have plans for us tonight. I will have to be ready to go for that.
Pray for me....
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
June 23, 2010 ,Wednesday
It's been kind of quiet here this week. Seems that everyone has their own thing to do. Except me. I feel lonely. Feel like I am wearing Marilyn and Jay down going to their house all the time. Don't have anywhere else to go....
Hannah went to Basketball camp this week...Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She just got home today. Pretty much was "hello" and "good bye". She is a social butterfly. I wouldn't want it any other way though. She is happy.
Isaac will just not go anyway unless it is with me or gramps. I don't understand it. He had toe surgery on Monday...so that added to his staying at home. He loves white water...but can't do that right now and actually for several more days. He is pretty grumpy at times. He has had friends ask him to do things....and I am grateful to them for trying, but he just won't do it. He doesn't even want to golf like he used to.
Rachel and I were on our way to Target on Tuesday. We were almost to the cemetery so I just asked her kind of flippantly, "Do you want to stop and see daddy's new memorial stone and the bench we put there?" She said she did. So, we went. I told her as we got out that it was okay to cry. We held hands and walked to the place. She was in a full blown cry when we got there, and I started soon after. We walked around it and she read it. And just cried and cried. We hugged each other and talked about how much we missed him...but it was going to be alright.
Then I told her that I had started something that the Jews do and that is whenever they go to the cemetery to see someone they lay a pebble on their memorial stone. It is to let other people know that the person is not forgotten. That someone is still thinking of them. So I told her I was doing the same thing. So we looked around and found a pebble and placed it on the base of the memorial.
After talking to her this morning we decided that we would go get some of those decorative pebbles that they use in vases. So I have to go get some.
We left and went onto Target. We sat in the parking lot and talked for a while and waiting for our tears to dry and our eyes to clear up some.
I don't know if she was really ready. But I didn't have to persuade her, so I feel like she may have thought she was ready. Though she cried I think she did well. But, my heart broke for her.
Then last night as I was reading facebook I see that Matthew posted "I miss the way things used to be". I am telling you...my stomach did a flip and I was so sick to my stomach.
I have decided that when I know one of the kids are hurting...it makes me sicker than if it were myself. And i was sick. I was sick until he got home from work and I asked him if he was alright. He hugged me for a long time and told me that he was okay. Then went into to go to bed, came out and kissed my forhead, told me he loved me...and went into bed. I know he is hurting. But, I have learned with Matthew that he likes and wants to work it out himself.
Well, I just wanted to let you know how the week was going. Keep praying for us.
Love,
Saundra
Hannah went to Basketball camp this week...Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She just got home today. Pretty much was "hello" and "good bye". She is a social butterfly. I wouldn't want it any other way though. She is happy.
Isaac will just not go anyway unless it is with me or gramps. I don't understand it. He had toe surgery on Monday...so that added to his staying at home. He loves white water...but can't do that right now and actually for several more days. He is pretty grumpy at times. He has had friends ask him to do things....and I am grateful to them for trying, but he just won't do it. He doesn't even want to golf like he used to.
Rachel and I were on our way to Target on Tuesday. We were almost to the cemetery so I just asked her kind of flippantly, "Do you want to stop and see daddy's new memorial stone and the bench we put there?" She said she did. So, we went. I told her as we got out that it was okay to cry. We held hands and walked to the place. She was in a full blown cry when we got there, and I started soon after. We walked around it and she read it. And just cried and cried. We hugged each other and talked about how much we missed him...but it was going to be alright.
Then I told her that I had started something that the Jews do and that is whenever they go to the cemetery to see someone they lay a pebble on their memorial stone. It is to let other people know that the person is not forgotten. That someone is still thinking of them. So I told her I was doing the same thing. So we looked around and found a pebble and placed it on the base of the memorial.
After talking to her this morning we decided that we would go get some of those decorative pebbles that they use in vases. So I have to go get some.
We left and went onto Target. We sat in the parking lot and talked for a while and waiting for our tears to dry and our eyes to clear up some.
I don't know if she was really ready. But I didn't have to persuade her, so I feel like she may have thought she was ready. Though she cried I think she did well. But, my heart broke for her.
Then last night as I was reading facebook I see that Matthew posted "I miss the way things used to be". I am telling you...my stomach did a flip and I was so sick to my stomach.
I have decided that when I know one of the kids are hurting...it makes me sicker than if it were myself. And i was sick. I was sick until he got home from work and I asked him if he was alright. He hugged me for a long time and told me that he was okay. Then went into to go to bed, came out and kissed my forhead, told me he loved me...and went into bed. I know he is hurting. But, I have learned with Matthew that he likes and wants to work it out himself.
Well, I just wanted to let you know how the week was going. Keep praying for us.
Love,
Saundra
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Father's Day...June 20, 2010
Well this has been an interesting week or two. Honestly, I can't remember when i was on here last.
Many things have happened. All answers to prayers. I want to share with you what has happened in our home the last few days.
I am becoming closer and closer to God. I am understanding His word more and more. I am able to apply so much of it to my life.
For instance; I don't like telling you one day that things are good, then the next I am down. I am afraid that you will doubt my faith. I, too, have doubted my faith. But when i was reading my Bible the other day, I was reading about Elijah, when all the prophets were going to be killed. Elijah thought he was the only one left. He said to God, "I am finished! I am done!!!" He was hurting, scared and afraid. God told him to go sit under and tree to be fed. So, Elijah went and sat down and the Lord fed him. When he had enough strength, the Lord told him to go to a cave. And when he did there were many more prophets there.
Now, I am no theologist...but what spoke to me about that was that Elijah ...ELIJAH...a PROPHET OF GOD, GOD' PROPHET...was even afraid. Wanted to give up. Was broken. And then, God revealed himself to Elijah.
Well, I am going to have good days....but it is okay for me to have the bad days too. And it is those bad days that the Lord will strengthen me, and help me to know where to go, where I am safe...and to make sure I know that I am not alone....in any way.
We prayed for Matthew a car. Well he got one. I am not sure the precious person that gave it to him wants their name known...so I will not take it upon myself to reveal that. But, I know that God worked a miracle. Matthew knows it...each of the kids know it. This angel allowed God to use them in a mighty way. What a blessing they are. I pray that God bless them mightily. We have been blessed. Matthew is so happy. And I am happy to get my explorer back!!!!
Isaac is making great strides...I feel. He is trying to make better choices and be more compliant to me. He still misses his daddy...and I am still praying for a "buddy".
We received a gift from a "LifeShare Donor Recipient". The moment I saw the package I could have cried. Matthew stood by me as I opened it. It was a pencil sketch/drawing of one of my most favorite pictures of John. This man that had drawn it had received a heart transplant back in the 90's. He vowed that he would never forget his Donor Family. And that he would celebrate each life that was a donor by sketching/drawing a picture of the Donor. John. I cried and cried. It was/is beautiful. Just beautiful.
I never imagined that today would be as hard as it was. We had decided, as a family (Griffis' and Williams' family as well), we would not celebrate Father's Day. Jay just refused. He did not want to. I did not want to. It was just too hard. BUT, it was Jay's birthday so we decided that we would celebrate his birthday.
I awoke with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It as awful. I text a friend for help. I felt like I was slipping into a pit of despair. (Kind of like Elijah I thought). I had my devotions, and they just didn't seem to reach me. I was so sad. Went to church, and it just killed me to see the pain in the kids eyes. We talked a little on the way to church...I explained to them that we didn't have to be sad, that we could celebrate the good times, the fun times that we had with John. But I got no response. The sadness was overwhelming.
Church was agonizing....sunday school was agonizing. Though the prayer, the wonderful prayer that Danny gave up to Heaven for the families without was wonderful. It seemed everyone was so aware of my pain, my loss, the kids etc.
I walked home sobbing. I just couldn't stand it. But I just kept hearing a voice that was saying to keep going...don't give up. I kept praying.."Father to the fatherless, defender of widows..." over and over.
We did have dinner and celebrated Jay. But underneath I could tell we all wanted to cry. All of us.
The day is almost over. I am ready for it to be.
I visited John's place today. I wish you all would go visit. The memorial stone is there. It is beautiful. A beautiful place to visit.
I hope you will go by and see the memorial stone.
Keep praying for all of us. When we have days like this....it makes me remember how much I need prayers...how much my kids need prayers....that we are still in the desert.
Love,
Saundra
Many things have happened. All answers to prayers. I want to share with you what has happened in our home the last few days.
I am becoming closer and closer to God. I am understanding His word more and more. I am able to apply so much of it to my life.
For instance; I don't like telling you one day that things are good, then the next I am down. I am afraid that you will doubt my faith. I, too, have doubted my faith. But when i was reading my Bible the other day, I was reading about Elijah, when all the prophets were going to be killed. Elijah thought he was the only one left. He said to God, "I am finished! I am done!!!" He was hurting, scared and afraid. God told him to go sit under and tree to be fed. So, Elijah went and sat down and the Lord fed him. When he had enough strength, the Lord told him to go to a cave. And when he did there were many more prophets there.
Now, I am no theologist...but what spoke to me about that was that Elijah ...ELIJAH...a PROPHET OF GOD, GOD' PROPHET...was even afraid. Wanted to give up. Was broken. And then, God revealed himself to Elijah.
Well, I am going to have good days....but it is okay for me to have the bad days too. And it is those bad days that the Lord will strengthen me, and help me to know where to go, where I am safe...and to make sure I know that I am not alone....in any way.
We prayed for Matthew a car. Well he got one. I am not sure the precious person that gave it to him wants their name known...so I will not take it upon myself to reveal that. But, I know that God worked a miracle. Matthew knows it...each of the kids know it. This angel allowed God to use them in a mighty way. What a blessing they are. I pray that God bless them mightily. We have been blessed. Matthew is so happy. And I am happy to get my explorer back!!!!
Isaac is making great strides...I feel. He is trying to make better choices and be more compliant to me. He still misses his daddy...and I am still praying for a "buddy".
We received a gift from a "LifeShare Donor Recipient". The moment I saw the package I could have cried. Matthew stood by me as I opened it. It was a pencil sketch/drawing of one of my most favorite pictures of John. This man that had drawn it had received a heart transplant back in the 90's. He vowed that he would never forget his Donor Family. And that he would celebrate each life that was a donor by sketching/drawing a picture of the Donor. John. I cried and cried. It was/is beautiful. Just beautiful.
I never imagined that today would be as hard as it was. We had decided, as a family (Griffis' and Williams' family as well), we would not celebrate Father's Day. Jay just refused. He did not want to. I did not want to. It was just too hard. BUT, it was Jay's birthday so we decided that we would celebrate his birthday.
I awoke with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It as awful. I text a friend for help. I felt like I was slipping into a pit of despair. (Kind of like Elijah I thought). I had my devotions, and they just didn't seem to reach me. I was so sad. Went to church, and it just killed me to see the pain in the kids eyes. We talked a little on the way to church...I explained to them that we didn't have to be sad, that we could celebrate the good times, the fun times that we had with John. But I got no response. The sadness was overwhelming.
Church was agonizing....sunday school was agonizing. Though the prayer, the wonderful prayer that Danny gave up to Heaven for the families without was wonderful. It seemed everyone was so aware of my pain, my loss, the kids etc.
I walked home sobbing. I just couldn't stand it. But I just kept hearing a voice that was saying to keep going...don't give up. I kept praying.."Father to the fatherless, defender of widows..." over and over.
We did have dinner and celebrated Jay. But underneath I could tell we all wanted to cry. All of us.
The day is almost over. I am ready for it to be.
I visited John's place today. I wish you all would go visit. The memorial stone is there. It is beautiful. A beautiful place to visit.
I hope you will go by and see the memorial stone.
Keep praying for all of us. When we have days like this....it makes me remember how much I need prayers...how much my kids need prayers....that we are still in the desert.
Love,
Saundra
Monday, June 14, 2010
Monday June 13. 2010
Rain, Rain. It's beautiful to me. Another showing of God's Power.
Things are going good here. It was a hard week last week as I stated last. But this week is looking up.
Matthew is doing good. Spent the weekend with Jonathon and friends in Texas playing golf. It was a great time for him. A good time for him to get away from "it all". You know, I know things come to my mind often when I am out doing something that John and I used to do. I wonder...How many times did Matthew wish his daddy was there? I only hope that he got past those thoughts and dwelt on where,what and who he was with. He did have a great time. I wish I knew more about golf. You would think I would! But he came home gushing with stories about the course he played. I tried to understand...acted like I did. I hope he knew I cared. I know I cannot input as John did.
Hannah is doing okay. I feel like she is doing a lot of thinking about the Lord, her life...and now her future for college. She is concerned about money to go...I know that. I would love for her to go to SNU...but she knows it would be cheaper somewhere else. So, she is even thinking that way. It surprised me that she brought it up Saturday. So, I know she is starting to think like that. I just tell her that we will walk through every door that the Lord opens for us...we just have to keep ourselves aware.
Isaac...Isaac. What God is doing in his life is amazing. He still has his "Isaac" moments...but he is changing. I told you he got ride of some music I didn't approve of. And that next morning when Matthew and I went in to wake him...there he lay...with his Bible open.....sound to sleep. He had fallen asleep reading his Bible. Something I hadn't seen since I can remember. He seems more amicable. Eager to please and do what is right. God is working. He still doesn't have that "Pal" that I am continually praying for...but God is working....that is all I need to know.
Rachel is doing good. I know she thinks of John often. But, she also keeps herself busy with her friends. She is either at their house or they are here. But she seems happy. I know she is wiser in the things of the Lord than most her age...just because of the faith that she has had to have...the prayers she has seen answered....the "God" talk she has heard. She knows. She is wise. I just pray that God uses all this for His Glory.
I had a great devotional time the other morning. I have been waiting to share it with you ...but I wanted time to be able to sit and type it. With all the rain, the kids still in bed this seems to be the time.
I have been memorizing John Wesley's Covenant Prayer. Because I want God's Will in my life. That is all I desire. It is hard to say some of the things in the Covenant prayer. For instance....Put me to doing, Put me to SUFFERING!!! It was hard for me to say that for a while. I felt like I had suffered enough. For me to say that would give him my permission to have me suffer more...(like he needs my permission!!!!!). Anyway, one morning as I was saying it, I came to that word again...I thought....and finally I thought..."Yes, Lord....suffering...whatever for your sake, for your name....if I had to do it again....yes Lord...Put me to suffering".
But, as the Lord's Prayer changed my life as I read it.....so is the Covenant Prayer. I am beginning to give my life to the Lord everyday...in a different way...whatever Lord.
On June 13....my eyes were opened...in God Calling it read: (and so I wouldn't have to type it all I am typing you only the things I highlighted that I felt God was speaking to me)
You have entered now upon a mountain climb. Steep steps lead upward, but your power to help others will be truly marvelous. All towards whom you now send loving, pitying thoughts will be helped upward by you. looking to Me all your thoughts are God-inspired. Act on them and you will be led on. They are not your own impulses but the movement of My Spirit and obeyed, will bring the answer to your prayers. Love and Trust. Let no unkind thoughts of any dwell in your hears.
And then...on the same morning....this in Jesus Calling:
I am creating something new in you: a bubbling spring of Joy that spills over into others' lives. Watch and delight as My Spirit flows through you to bless others. Let yourself become a reservoir of the Spirit's fruit.
Your part is to live close to Me, open to all that I am doing in you. Don't try to control the streaming of My Spirit through you. Just keep focusing on Me as we walk through this day together. Enjoy My Presence, which permeates you with LOVE, JOY, AND PEACE.
I got so excited when I read this. What does He have in store as He bends My Will towards His Will. I just pray that He use me.
I do know one thing. Joy.....my job is to be filled with Joy. He wants it to flow from me to others...to change others lives.
Use me Lord....Fill me...Use me....all to Your Glory.
Pray for me as I feel I am entering into a new stage of my grief, of my life. Pray for my children...that GOd will fill the gap/hole that has been left behind. Bend their will toward His. Bless them with His Salvation. Use them Lord.
Pray for our finances....Matthew needs a car..pray for God to work in that area...whether it be through us...our own doing ...or using His people. Or none at all...whatever he chooses....
I want Your Will Lord.
Saundra
Things are going good here. It was a hard week last week as I stated last. But this week is looking up.
Matthew is doing good. Spent the weekend with Jonathon and friends in Texas playing golf. It was a great time for him. A good time for him to get away from "it all". You know, I know things come to my mind often when I am out doing something that John and I used to do. I wonder...How many times did Matthew wish his daddy was there? I only hope that he got past those thoughts and dwelt on where,what and who he was with. He did have a great time. I wish I knew more about golf. You would think I would! But he came home gushing with stories about the course he played. I tried to understand...acted like I did. I hope he knew I cared. I know I cannot input as John did.
Hannah is doing okay. I feel like she is doing a lot of thinking about the Lord, her life...and now her future for college. She is concerned about money to go...I know that. I would love for her to go to SNU...but she knows it would be cheaper somewhere else. So, she is even thinking that way. It surprised me that she brought it up Saturday. So, I know she is starting to think like that. I just tell her that we will walk through every door that the Lord opens for us...we just have to keep ourselves aware.
Isaac...Isaac. What God is doing in his life is amazing. He still has his "Isaac" moments...but he is changing. I told you he got ride of some music I didn't approve of. And that next morning when Matthew and I went in to wake him...there he lay...with his Bible open.....sound to sleep. He had fallen asleep reading his Bible. Something I hadn't seen since I can remember. He seems more amicable. Eager to please and do what is right. God is working. He still doesn't have that "Pal" that I am continually praying for...but God is working....that is all I need to know.
Rachel is doing good. I know she thinks of John often. But, she also keeps herself busy with her friends. She is either at their house or they are here. But she seems happy. I know she is wiser in the things of the Lord than most her age...just because of the faith that she has had to have...the prayers she has seen answered....the "God" talk she has heard. She knows. She is wise. I just pray that God uses all this for His Glory.
I had a great devotional time the other morning. I have been waiting to share it with you ...but I wanted time to be able to sit and type it. With all the rain, the kids still in bed this seems to be the time.
I have been memorizing John Wesley's Covenant Prayer. Because I want God's Will in my life. That is all I desire. It is hard to say some of the things in the Covenant prayer. For instance....Put me to doing, Put me to SUFFERING!!! It was hard for me to say that for a while. I felt like I had suffered enough. For me to say that would give him my permission to have me suffer more...(like he needs my permission!!!!!). Anyway, one morning as I was saying it, I came to that word again...I thought....and finally I thought..."Yes, Lord....suffering...whatever for your sake, for your name....if I had to do it again....yes Lord...Put me to suffering".
But, as the Lord's Prayer changed my life as I read it.....so is the Covenant Prayer. I am beginning to give my life to the Lord everyday...in a different way...whatever Lord.
On June 13....my eyes were opened...in God Calling it read: (and so I wouldn't have to type it all I am typing you only the things I highlighted that I felt God was speaking to me)
You have entered now upon a mountain climb. Steep steps lead upward, but your power to help others will be truly marvelous. All towards whom you now send loving, pitying thoughts will be helped upward by you. looking to Me all your thoughts are God-inspired. Act on them and you will be led on. They are not your own impulses but the movement of My Spirit and obeyed, will bring the answer to your prayers. Love and Trust. Let no unkind thoughts of any dwell in your hears.
And then...on the same morning....this in Jesus Calling:
I am creating something new in you: a bubbling spring of Joy that spills over into others' lives. Watch and delight as My Spirit flows through you to bless others. Let yourself become a reservoir of the Spirit's fruit.
Your part is to live close to Me, open to all that I am doing in you. Don't try to control the streaming of My Spirit through you. Just keep focusing on Me as we walk through this day together. Enjoy My Presence, which permeates you with LOVE, JOY, AND PEACE.
I got so excited when I read this. What does He have in store as He bends My Will towards His Will. I just pray that He use me.
I do know one thing. Joy.....my job is to be filled with Joy. He wants it to flow from me to others...to change others lives.
Use me Lord....Fill me...Use me....all to Your Glory.
Pray for me as I feel I am entering into a new stage of my grief, of my life. Pray for my children...that GOd will fill the gap/hole that has been left behind. Bend their will toward His. Bless them with His Salvation. Use them Lord.
Pray for our finances....Matthew needs a car..pray for God to work in that area...whether it be through us...our own doing ...or using His people. Or none at all...whatever he chooses....
I want Your Will Lord.
Saundra
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