Father's Day...June 20, 2010

Well this has been an interesting week or two. Honestly, I can't remember when i was on here last.

Many things have happened. All answers to prayers. I want to share with you what has happened in our home the last few days.

I am becoming closer and closer to God. I am understanding His word more and more. I am able to apply so much of it to my life.

For instance; I don't like telling you one day that things are good, then the next I am down. I am afraid that you will doubt my faith. I, too, have doubted my faith. But when i was reading my Bible the other day, I was reading about Elijah, when all the prophets were going to be killed. Elijah thought he was the only one left. He said to God, "I am finished! I am done!!!" He was hurting, scared and afraid. God told him to go sit under and tree to be fed. So, Elijah went and sat down and the Lord fed him. When he had enough strength, the Lord told him to go to a cave. And when he did there were many more prophets there.

Now, I am no theologist...but what spoke to me about that was that Elijah ...ELIJAH...a PROPHET OF GOD, GOD' PROPHET...was even afraid. Wanted to give up. Was broken. And then, God revealed himself to Elijah.

Well, I am going to have good days....but it is okay for me to have the bad days too. And it is those bad days that the Lord will strengthen me, and help me to know where to go, where I am safe...and to make sure I know that I am not alone....in any way.

We prayed for Matthew a car. Well he got one. I am not sure the precious person that gave it to him wants their name known...so I will not take it upon myself to reveal that. But, I know that God worked a miracle. Matthew knows it...each of the kids know it. This angel allowed God to use them in a mighty way. What a blessing they are. I pray that God bless them mightily. We have been blessed. Matthew is so happy. And I am happy to get my explorer back!!!!

Isaac is making great strides...I feel. He is trying to make better choices and be more compliant to me. He still misses his daddy...and I am still praying for a "buddy".

We received a gift from a "LifeShare Donor Recipient". The moment I saw the package I could have cried. Matthew stood by me as I opened it. It was a pencil sketch/drawing of one of my most favorite pictures of John. This man that had drawn it had received a heart transplant back in the 90's. He vowed that he would never forget his Donor Family. And that he would celebrate each life that was a donor by sketching/drawing a picture of the Donor. John. I cried and cried. It was/is beautiful. Just beautiful.

I never imagined that today would be as hard as it was. We had decided, as a family (Griffis' and Williams' family as well), we would not celebrate Father's Day. Jay just refused. He did not want to. I did not want to. It was just too hard. BUT, it was Jay's birthday so we decided that we would celebrate his birthday.

I awoke with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It as awful. I text a friend for help. I felt like I was slipping into a pit of despair. (Kind of like Elijah I thought). I had my devotions, and they just didn't seem to reach me. I was so sad. Went to church, and it just killed me to see the pain in the kids eyes. We talked a little on the way to church...I explained to them that we didn't have to be sad, that we could celebrate the good times, the fun times that we had with John. But I got no response. The sadness was overwhelming.

Church was agonizing....sunday school was agonizing. Though the prayer, the wonderful prayer that Danny gave up to Heaven for the families without was wonderful. It seemed everyone was so aware of my pain, my loss, the kids etc.

I walked home sobbing. I just couldn't stand it. But I just kept hearing a voice that was saying to keep going...don't give up. I kept praying.."Father to the fatherless, defender of widows..." over and over.

We did have dinner and celebrated Jay. But underneath I could tell we all wanted to cry. All of us.

The day is almost over. I am ready for it to be.

I visited John's place today. I wish you all would go visit. The memorial stone is there. It is beautiful. A beautiful place to visit.

I hope you will go by and see the memorial stone.

Keep praying for all of us. When we have days like this....it makes me remember how much I need prayers...how much my kids need prayers....that we are still in the desert.

Love,
Saundra