June 23, 2010 ,Wednesday

It's been kind of quiet here this week. Seems that everyone has their own thing to do. Except me. I feel lonely. Feel like I am wearing Marilyn and Jay down going to their house all the time. Don't have anywhere else to go....

Hannah went to Basketball camp this week...Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She just got home today. Pretty much was "hello" and "good bye". She is a social butterfly. I wouldn't want it any other way though. She is happy.

Isaac will just not go anyway unless it is with me or gramps. I don't understand it. He had toe surgery on Monday...so that added to his staying at home. He loves white water...but can't do that right now and actually for several more days. He is pretty grumpy at times. He has had friends ask him to do things....and I am grateful to them for trying, but he just won't do it. He doesn't even want to golf like he used to.

Rachel and I were on our way to Target on Tuesday. We were almost to the cemetery so I just asked her kind of flippantly, "Do you want to stop and see daddy's new memorial stone and the bench we put there?" She said she did. So, we went. I told her as we got out that it was okay to cry. We held hands and walked to the place. She was in a full blown cry when we got there, and I started soon after. We walked around it and she read it. And just cried and cried. We hugged each other and talked about how much we missed him...but it was going to be alright.

Then I told her that I had started something that the Jews do and that is whenever they go to the cemetery to see someone they lay a pebble on their memorial stone. It is to let other people know that the person is not forgotten. That someone is still thinking of them. So I told her I was doing the same thing. So we looked around and found a pebble and placed it on the base of the memorial.

After talking to her this morning we decided that we would go get some of those decorative pebbles that they use in vases. So I have to go get some.

We left and went onto Target. We sat in the parking lot and talked for a while and waiting for our tears to dry and our eyes to clear up some.

I don't know if she was really ready. But I didn't have to persuade her, so I feel like she may have thought she was ready. Though she cried I think she did well. But, my heart broke for her.

Then last night as I was reading facebook I see that Matthew posted "I miss the way things used to be". I am telling you...my stomach did a flip and I was so sick to my stomach.

I have decided that when I know one of the kids are hurting...it makes me sicker than if it were myself. And i was sick. I was sick until he got home from work and I asked him if he was alright. He hugged me for a long time and told me that he was okay. Then went into to go to bed, came out and kissed my forhead, told me he loved me...and went into bed. I know he is hurting. But, I have learned with Matthew that he likes and wants to work it out himself.

Well, I just wanted to let you know how the week was going. Keep praying for us.

Love,
Saundra