Well, this has been a hard week. As I look back I know the Lord has helped me.
Isaac had his toe operated on...just an ingrown toenail. But, he couldn't go to white water...so he was stuck at home all week. Made him very miserable. So we haven't gotten along at all.
Matthew and I had a financial argument last night. Ended up alright..but nonetheless, it kind of took the wind out my sails...which were doing pretty well!
It really gets me down and out when I argue with any of the kids. It just really saddens me. So, I try..at all costs usually, to keep from arguing with them. But, when I do...it puts me in a very sad mood for a while until I can pray my way out of it.
Hannah and I haven't been getting along. I want her to spend more time with us. Isaac and Rachel especially have been wanting her to spend some time with them. But, she is the social butterfly...she wants to be with her friends. So we go round and round bout that.
I don't know. It just seems like we are so miserable and uptight...all of us. We just jump at each other's throats lately. I try to keep in calm and quiet...but it seems things are pretty miserable.
Our home just seems unhappy right now. For all of us. It seems that the kids all only think of themselves. I know this is typical. But it is so bad here. They don't care what the other feels. It breaks my heart!
Matthew was looking so forward to a camping trip last night and today...and everyone that said they were going changed their mind. It made him very sad. So...there I am sad also.
One thing I have learned is that I want the kids happy at any cost. I know I can't do that. That it really isn't my responsibility...or is it? Each one is on my mind...whether at home or away from me. I worry if everything is going okay for them. If not, what do I need to do to make them happy?
I can't say no to them. I can't. I try...I can't. Sometimes I am so weary I can hardly take another step...but I keep going.....Yesterday was White water from 11-4. Then home....then to Bueno...then to Frontier City. I could hardly move. But...Isaac couldn't go to white water with us..so I felt like I had to make it up to him by going to Frontier City.
I tell myself that I am tired of trying to make everyone happy...but then I just have to do it again.
I cried so hard last Thursday evening. The kids wanted to go to Frontier City for the first time this summer (yes we went Th and Friday!!!) so I told them we would go. I was so tired. But more than anything I was sick to my stomach as I thought...I am taking them by myself!!!! I will be sitting by myself!!!! ( I can't do rides!) I became so overwhelmingly sick and lonely.
But....I went. We went. It was very lonely for me. My sister, Chris, from Illinois called when I was there...I cried when she asked me what I was doing and I told her. She said she wanted to be down here with me. I explained that when I thought of anyone who I wanted to ask to go with me...they either had a family....so couldn't afford it....single...couldn't afford it...or wouldn't be able to bear the heat... had a family and had to be with them. There was just no one. I AM ALONE! I have determined that basically I AM ALONE!!!! My kids have their friends, my friends have their families (that I can't ask to leave just to be with me), Jay and Marilyn have each other, Dawn has her family and responsibilities......I AM ALONE.
I thought alot this week that I would just give up. Not on life...but on living. I am really not living anyway. I just get through one day...to face another. Take care of the kids...make sure they are alright...and go on. I am not happy....don't know if I ever will be. There is always a longing, a void, a dark corner.......I don't think I care about myself anymore. I have noticed that make up is less and less. Get up....go for a ride on my bike, come home...meet the needs of the kids. That is it for me. That is all I do.
In my devotions...over and over and over again....they tell me to keep my focus on God. I have tried this week...but I always fall short. Today...I am trying...but I can't seem to climb that mountain to meet him.
Bless Marilyn's heart. I called her to see if they were making their usual Saturday run to Sam's. They were not. When she found out I needed to go she said she could find a reason. Sweet as she is....I know the reason...she didn't want me to go alone. It breaks my heart that she is trying so hard to meet my needs...when she has so many of her own. See, I can't and don't want to be a burden to anyone....
I do want to thank Mariann Schmidt and Kelly Stout. Friday we went to White Water...I have always sat alone...alll day. Well yesterday (Friday) they saw me walking alone and Kelly called me over. I ended sitting by them. I have to say it was one of the best days I have had there. The other best day was when Dawn, Allison and Emma came with me and Rach. But it is so lonely for me there...but again....the kids love it there....so there I am.
Well, better get to Sam's. The kids have plans for us tonight. I will have to be ready to go for that.
Pray for me....