Saturday, June 26, 2010

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Well, this has been a hard week. As I look back I know the Lord has helped me.

Isaac had his toe operated on...just an ingrown toenail. But, he couldn't go to white he was stuck at home all week. Made him very miserable. So we haven't gotten along at all.

Matthew and I had a financial argument last night. Ended up alright..but nonetheless, it kind of took the wind out my sails...which were doing pretty well!

It really gets me down and out when I argue with any of the kids. It just really saddens me. So, I all costs usually, to keep from arguing with them. But, when I puts me in a very sad mood for a while until I can pray my way out of it.

Hannah and I haven't been getting along. I want her to spend more time with us. Isaac and Rachel especially have been wanting her to spend some time with them. But, she is the social butterfly...she wants to be with her friends. So we go round and round bout that.

I don't know. It just seems like we are so miserable and uptight...all of us. We just jump at each other's throats lately. I try to keep in calm and quiet...but it seems things are pretty miserable.

Our home just seems unhappy right now. For all of us. It seems that the kids all only think of themselves. I know this is typical. But it is so bad here. They don't care what the other feels. It breaks my heart!

Matthew was looking so forward to a camping trip last night and today...and everyone that said they were going changed their mind. It made him very sad. So...there I am sad also.

One thing I have learned is that I want the kids happy at any cost. I know I can't do that. That it really isn't my responsibility...or is it? Each one is on my mind...whether at home or away from me. I worry if everything is going okay for them. If not, what do I need to do to make them happy?

I can't say no to them. I can't. I try...I can't. Sometimes I am so weary I can hardly take another step...but I keep going.....Yesterday was White water from 11-4. Then home....then to Bueno...then to Frontier City. I could hardly move. But...Isaac couldn't go to white water with I felt like I had to make it up to him by going to Frontier City.

I tell myself that I am tired of trying to make everyone happy...but then I just have to do it again.

I cried so hard last Thursday evening. The kids wanted to go to Frontier City for the first time this summer (yes we went Th and Friday!!!) so I told them we would go. I was so tired. But more than anything I was sick to my stomach as I thought...I am taking them by myself!!!! I will be sitting by myself!!!! ( I can't do rides!) I became so overwhelmingly sick and lonely.

But....I went. We went. It was very lonely for me. My sister, Chris, from Illinois called when I was there...I cried when she asked me what I was doing and I told her. She said she wanted to be down here with me. I explained that when I thought of anyone who I wanted to ask to go with me...they either had a couldn't afford it....single...couldn't afford it...or wouldn't be able to bear the heat... had a family and had to be with them. There was just no one. I AM ALONE! I have determined that basically I AM ALONE!!!! My kids have their friends, my friends have their families (that I can't ask to leave just to be with me), Jay and Marilyn have each other, Dawn has her family and responsibilities......I AM ALONE.

I thought alot this week that I would just give up. Not on life...but on living. I am really not living anyway. I just get through one face another. Take care of the kids...make sure they are alright...and go on. I am not happy....don't know if I ever will be. There is always a longing, a void, a dark corner.......I don't think I care about myself anymore. I have noticed that make up is less and less. Get up....go for a ride on my bike, come the needs of the kids. That is it for me. That is all I do.

In my devotions...over and over and over again....they tell me to keep my focus on God. I have tried this week...but I always fall short. Today...I am trying...but I can't seem to climb that mountain to meet him.

Bless Marilyn's heart. I called her to see if they were making their usual Saturday run to Sam's. They were not. When she found out I needed to go she said she could find a reason. Sweet as she is....I know the reason...she didn't want me to go alone. It breaks my heart that she is trying so hard to meet my needs...when she has so many of her own. See, I can't and don't want to be a burden to anyone....

I do want to thank Mariann Schmidt and Kelly Stout. Friday we went to White Water...I have always sat alone...alll day. Well yesterday (Friday) they saw me walking alone and Kelly called me over. I ended sitting by them. I have to say it was one of the best days I have had there. The other best day was when Dawn, Allison and Emma came with me and Rach. But it is so lonely for me there...but again....the kids love it there I am.

Well, better get to Sam's. The kids have plans for us tonight. I will have to be ready to go for that.

Pray for me....


Anonymous said...

Praying for you Saundra, you need to get some rest, being out in this heat is taking a toil on you. Pat Mc.

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! it breaks my heart to read the words "I am alone" so many times. We may not be much, but your faithful blog-followers love you, cherish you, and are here for you. Please don't give up. God has a plan, though it seems pretty impossible. You are not alone, ever. Please believe that. Please know that.
Love and Prayers.

todd said...

Dear Saundra,
you are not alone - Jesus is here and so are your network of friends. As to your kids - ever heard o
of "tough live" by Dobson? I recomend the book to you...
Best always,

Blue-Eyed Mystery said...

You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean, after I lost my husband, I could be in a room full of people, even my close, loving friends, and still feel so alone. It took a long time before I could allow God to be "enough" as He gradually filled the void.

I know you did not "vote" for this situation, and wish things could go back to the way they were when John was here.

Hopefully, someday, peace and contentment will appear in your heart and mind again, as God continues to work in your life.

I can see so many ways He is working in you already. I am praying for you as you continue to dig deeper into what God has planned for your precious life.

"For when we are weak, He is strong."

No matter what happens, He IS there. Just like he was with Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego in the firey furnace. When they stepped out of the furnace, not a hair on their heads was singed, and they did not even smell like smoke! Praise God!

Anonymous said...

Saun (sb)

Have a great week!


Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but I know of you and your situation through my sister. I read your blogs now and again and pray for you as often as I can. This post about you being alone really struck a chord w/me and I felt like God was compelling me to tell you that I am praying that you will find a friend somewhere (here in the city or via our wonderful big internet world) that has gone through what you are going through. There is a blog I read from time to time: He lost his wife the day after their daughter was born. He started a foundation in his wife's name titled the "Liz Logelin foundation". They reach out to people who have children still at home and have lost a spouse. From his blog, there are a lot of other blogs that he links to where there are other widows and widowers that blog about their loss and how they are coping with their day-to-day life. I think that any time you lose a spouse it has to be incredibly hard, but with children still at home, that's got to be the hardest. I cannot even fathom what you must be going through. Anyway, I hope you'll check out Matt Logelin's blog and the Liz Logelin foundation and maybe find another resource that would be helpful to you.