This weekend was a little hard. Not as hard as I expected. That is what they say though; worrying and waiting for 'that' day to come is worse than the 'day' itself. I think the time that was the hardest and saddest to me was when I was sitting at the parade and went back to the last 4th...how we sat next to each other in our chairs and enjoyed the parade together. Then...I really missed him
Then yesterday (Sunday) I was cleaning up the home computer and was going through the pictures we have. I found pictures of John. The memories came flooding back. Then the tears came. I had my little moment of nostalgia and missing him.
Now....I am heading toward something for the first time again. And I am pleading for prayers. We will be heading to Branson this coming Sunday. I am scared. I will be honest. John was such the head of our home that he took care of all the little things that needed to be done...and the big. All I had to do was get packed. I didn't worry about gas, car problems, money, the route, the places we would go...nothing. There was such security in him. I just trusted him.
Now, my trust is in the Lord. But I can't help it, I am scared. I am scared that Matthew won't get the car top carrier on securely enough, I am afraid we may get lost, I am afraid of car troubles.....it goes on and on. I am keeping myself awake at night. I am sick to my stomach. I don't even know where to begin as I plan this trip. I feel lost.
I am trying to put up a brave and excited front for the kids... but it is hard. My mind wonders a lot.....
Please pray for me. Pray for God to give me a peace. The strength I need rests in Him.....I just need help believing it right now. My fear overwhelms my common sense and my heart. Please pray for me.
Pray for our safety, and protection. Pray for a good time. Just pray.
Love,
Saundra
Monday, July 5, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Saturday July 3, 2010
I think this week has been the best week I have had yet. Thank you Jesus!!! When I decided that I was going to accept my circumstance as God's Will, and he was going to make me more like Him through it, my days changed. They seemed more relaxed, more fun. I didn't dwell on the negative circumstances in my life...but the good...and what God is doing.
Isaac and I went to Lincoln Golf Course and ate lunch with Matthew Thursday. Then that afternoon Isaac played 18 holes of golf while I drove the cart. We had so much fun. We laughed and talked and talked and laughed. And I remembered then, that John and I used to talk about how, if John didn't make a one on one time with Isaac every once in a while, Isaac would become angry, sullen and disobedient. John would then take him out and do something out of the ordinary with him...and guess what? He would be a great kid again. We just decided that he needed that one on one time just to regroup...or whatever it was. But we came to realize that John would have to do that.
So, I guess that lays on me now! Because he has been so fun since Thursday. Very respectful and very happy. He has been fun to be around.
Friday, the girls and I just hung out with each other. We went to Pink Swirls and then to a movie Friday night. We had a great time together.
While we were doing that Matthew and Isaac entertained about 9 of Matthew's friends at our house. When the girls and I got home at 10 or so...there they were in our living room. Having a great time! It was so fun to see them all here....to see matthew enjoying himself...and allowing Isaac to share in the fun.
It was all a blessing to me. And as I lay my head down to sleep I thanked the Lord. I thank Him, that life is becoming a little more normal. I just have to keep my focus on Christ...no matter the circumstances. He is working all things for our good.
On a sad note....a very sad note..we had to put Boo our 3 year old cat to sleep. She had some kind of allergy that would have to be treated all her life. I knew I just couldn't afford that. I cried because Isaac considered her "his" cat. He slept with her a lot and was the only one that had a way to make her stay and sleep on his lap. She would not do that with anyone but him. As of yet, he doesn't know. I am having such a hard time telling him. While he is doing so well. He thinks she is still at the vet for tests. It breaks my heart. So, I am looking for a kitten I can get him. I have to replace it. I can't have him having these losses. I can't. I don't know how he will deal with it. Please pray for him...and me.
Pray for the new day...the new life..Christ has given us. We are all being made over into his image...and it is an adventure.....
Love,
Saundra
Isaac and I went to Lincoln Golf Course and ate lunch with Matthew Thursday. Then that afternoon Isaac played 18 holes of golf while I drove the cart. We had so much fun. We laughed and talked and talked and laughed. And I remembered then, that John and I used to talk about how, if John didn't make a one on one time with Isaac every once in a while, Isaac would become angry, sullen and disobedient. John would then take him out and do something out of the ordinary with him...and guess what? He would be a great kid again. We just decided that he needed that one on one time just to regroup...or whatever it was. But we came to realize that John would have to do that.
So, I guess that lays on me now! Because he has been so fun since Thursday. Very respectful and very happy. He has been fun to be around.
Friday, the girls and I just hung out with each other. We went to Pink Swirls and then to a movie Friday night. We had a great time together.
While we were doing that Matthew and Isaac entertained about 9 of Matthew's friends at our house. When the girls and I got home at 10 or so...there they were in our living room. Having a great time! It was so fun to see them all here....to see matthew enjoying himself...and allowing Isaac to share in the fun.
It was all a blessing to me. And as I lay my head down to sleep I thanked the Lord. I thank Him, that life is becoming a little more normal. I just have to keep my focus on Christ...no matter the circumstances. He is working all things for our good.
On a sad note....a very sad note..we had to put Boo our 3 year old cat to sleep. She had some kind of allergy that would have to be treated all her life. I knew I just couldn't afford that. I cried because Isaac considered her "his" cat. He slept with her a lot and was the only one that had a way to make her stay and sleep on his lap. She would not do that with anyone but him. As of yet, he doesn't know. I am having such a hard time telling him. While he is doing so well. He thinks she is still at the vet for tests. It breaks my heart. So, I am looking for a kitten I can get him. I have to replace it. I can't have him having these losses. I can't. I don't know how he will deal with it. Please pray for him...and me.
Pray for the new day...the new life..Christ has given us. We are all being made over into his image...and it is an adventure.....
Love,
Saundra
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I first have to tell you the learning experience I had Sunday a.m. If you are reading this, then you know me pretty well, and you know that I have cleaved to Sallye Siems. She has been there for me Sunday morning after Sunday morning so I wouldn't have to sit alone in either church or S.S. Church isn't so bad....but going into S.S. is so hard. Not only do I feel so alone, I feel like I stand out as a sore thumb, and it brings back many memories of John and I in class together. So, the Lord has used her to be my "faithful sister" on Sundays.
Saturday evening I got a text from Sallye that she wasn't going to be there. They were going out of town. I panicked. But would never, never let her know that. She has every right to be with her family. I didn't want her to be torn. So, I cheerfully text her back and told her to have fun. But in the pit of my stomach I was sick. I already was thinking of who I could ask to sit with. Then, a thought occurred to me...."leave it to me". I knew right away it was the Lord. "Leave it to me". It just kept resounding in my head. All evening Saturday, when I would begin to think of who I could ask, I would hear that same thing, "Leave it to me."
Isaac and I had a hard morning. Just butting heads as usual. Church went great. I enjoyed the sermon and the message so much. When it came time to go to Sunday School, I had to bite my tongue not to ask one of the kids to sit with me...I had even thought of asking Marilyn to come with me. But all I heard was, "Leave it to Me". So I hushed.
As I walked into Sunday School Class whose eyes would meet mine...but Joan's (her last name escapes me now). She came right to me and asked how things were. Because my heart is still raw, and I had such a terrible morning with Isaac I broke down and shared my feelings with her. It wasn't long until Cyndi Curry and Mike Curry came along beside us and began to share their experiences with me. All three were such terrific comfort and help to me. Then Joan led me to sit beside her. I sat down next to her...actually between she and Cyndi, and I had to smile. Yes indeed, He had taken care of it. Just as He had promised. But I had to LET Him. I felt so comforted. So, loved. It opened my eyes to a small glimmer of what Jesus can do when we LET Him.
This morning started as any other morning. I woke about 5:30 and came out, got a cup of Joe and came into my God Time Chair. I read the suggested reading from our church bulletin, a little bit of 2 Timothy and then in my "Reading through the Bible Bible. Then I have three books that have been my eyes into what God is teaching me for a specific day. It never amazes me how they either are all three regarding the same thing on a given day, or they combine to teach me an amazing truth.
So, I opened God Calling: It said to me. "You can never go beyond My Love and Care. No evil can befall you. Circumstances I bless and use much be the right ones for you.
The first step: Lay your will before Me as an offering, ready that I shall do what is best, sure that what I do for you will be best.
Second Step: Be sure and tell me so, that I am Powerful enough to do everything, that no miracle is impossible with me.
THEN: Leave all with me. Sure of safety and protection...you cannot see the future, I can.
Accept My Will and it will bring you joy.
God's word to me? (and to some of you this may be a "well yeah! of course..thing. but to me it was eyes opening)...
He could have healed and saved John. I now believe that. Before I was scared to admit that because then I didn't know why he wouldn't. But through this small message...yes...he could have healed John. He could have brought Him back to us perfect. But He chose not to. For whatever reason He chose not to. I have to accept that as God's will. Jesus did not want to accept that it was His Father's will that He died on the cross, but He did accept it. And look what happened!!!!! Nothing but good came from it.
So, I accept God's death. I don't have to be happy about it...I don't rejoice about it. Naturally, he is gone, there is a big void in my/our lives. But there is a reason for all He does. I will wait for that to be revealed. But he could have, He chose not to. I accept God's will.
Dear Jesus Book Says: Trust in Me with all your heart and mind, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your path straight.
The prayer: Trusting you with all my heart has been my goal for years. My mind is ravenous for understanding. I want to trust You wholeheartedly, but I feel stuck.
God's Word...Your desire to trust Me wholeheartedly is pleasing to me. I m providing training through your life expreriences. Allow Me to do this supernatural work in your heart. Recognize that many of the difficulties in your life are designed to help in this endeavor.
I want you to trust Me with all your heart and all your mind. The Holy Spirit will help you thing trusting thoughts. Instead of relying on your own understanding to help you feel in control, as My Spirit to control your mind. Then, wait confidently to see results. As you look to Me, trusting Me and talking with Me, I straighten out the path before you.
God's Word to me....Trust me. Now that you know that this is all my will and in my control, trust me. Don't try to figure things out. Just trust me.
And then Lastly...Jesus Calling: As you get out of Bed in the Morning, be aware of My Presence with you. Your early morning thoughts tend to be anxious ones until you get connected with me. Invite Me into your thoughts by whispering my name.
I am with you--you face nothing alone. You and I together can handle anything. It is this YOU AND I TOGETHER factor that gives you confidence to face the day cheerfully.
God's word to me: Live in my presence. You have accepted my will, you are learning to trust me...now live in my presence.
See how he tied all those together for me? I don't know. It may just be for me and know one else understands. But I feel a peace.
I went to the cemetery today and talked with John. Told him all I have learned. Told him God's neat revelation and truth to me. Maybe...if he can hear me...he will see that I am growing in the Spirit and know that indeed "all things work for the good of those who love the Lord."
By the way...thank you to the sweet person that put the sticker on the little bench that says, "Jesus Loves John". I was moved. Someone, besides family, loves him and has not forgotten himn. Thank you, thank you.
I love this day.......I love the Lord....Join me in thanking Him for revealing His truth to me....
Saundra
Saturday evening I got a text from Sallye that she wasn't going to be there. They were going out of town. I panicked. But would never, never let her know that. She has every right to be with her family. I didn't want her to be torn. So, I cheerfully text her back and told her to have fun. But in the pit of my stomach I was sick. I already was thinking of who I could ask to sit with. Then, a thought occurred to me...."leave it to me". I knew right away it was the Lord. "Leave it to me". It just kept resounding in my head. All evening Saturday, when I would begin to think of who I could ask, I would hear that same thing, "Leave it to me."
Isaac and I had a hard morning. Just butting heads as usual. Church went great. I enjoyed the sermon and the message so much. When it came time to go to Sunday School, I had to bite my tongue not to ask one of the kids to sit with me...I had even thought of asking Marilyn to come with me. But all I heard was, "Leave it to Me". So I hushed.
As I walked into Sunday School Class whose eyes would meet mine...but Joan's (her last name escapes me now). She came right to me and asked how things were. Because my heart is still raw, and I had such a terrible morning with Isaac I broke down and shared my feelings with her. It wasn't long until Cyndi Curry and Mike Curry came along beside us and began to share their experiences with me. All three were such terrific comfort and help to me. Then Joan led me to sit beside her. I sat down next to her...actually between she and Cyndi, and I had to smile. Yes indeed, He had taken care of it. Just as He had promised. But I had to LET Him. I felt so comforted. So, loved. It opened my eyes to a small glimmer of what Jesus can do when we LET Him.
This morning started as any other morning. I woke about 5:30 and came out, got a cup of Joe and came into my God Time Chair. I read the suggested reading from our church bulletin, a little bit of 2 Timothy and then in my "Reading through the Bible Bible. Then I have three books that have been my eyes into what God is teaching me for a specific day. It never amazes me how they either are all three regarding the same thing on a given day, or they combine to teach me an amazing truth.
So, I opened God Calling: It said to me. "You can never go beyond My Love and Care. No evil can befall you. Circumstances I bless and use much be the right ones for you.
The first step: Lay your will before Me as an offering, ready that I shall do what is best, sure that what I do for you will be best.
Second Step: Be sure and tell me so, that I am Powerful enough to do everything, that no miracle is impossible with me.
THEN: Leave all with me. Sure of safety and protection...you cannot see the future, I can.
Accept My Will and it will bring you joy.
God's word to me? (and to some of you this may be a "well yeah! of course..thing. but to me it was eyes opening)...
He could have healed and saved John. I now believe that. Before I was scared to admit that because then I didn't know why he wouldn't. But through this small message...yes...he could have healed John. He could have brought Him back to us perfect. But He chose not to. For whatever reason He chose not to. I have to accept that as God's will. Jesus did not want to accept that it was His Father's will that He died on the cross, but He did accept it. And look what happened!!!!! Nothing but good came from it.
So, I accept God's death. I don't have to be happy about it...I don't rejoice about it. Naturally, he is gone, there is a big void in my/our lives. But there is a reason for all He does. I will wait for that to be revealed. But he could have, He chose not to. I accept God's will.
Dear Jesus Book Says: Trust in Me with all your heart and mind, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your path straight.
The prayer: Trusting you with all my heart has been my goal for years. My mind is ravenous for understanding. I want to trust You wholeheartedly, but I feel stuck.
God's Word...Your desire to trust Me wholeheartedly is pleasing to me. I m providing training through your life expreriences. Allow Me to do this supernatural work in your heart. Recognize that many of the difficulties in your life are designed to help in this endeavor.
I want you to trust Me with all your heart and all your mind. The Holy Spirit will help you thing trusting thoughts. Instead of relying on your own understanding to help you feel in control, as My Spirit to control your mind. Then, wait confidently to see results. As you look to Me, trusting Me and talking with Me, I straighten out the path before you.
God's Word to me....Trust me. Now that you know that this is all my will and in my control, trust me. Don't try to figure things out. Just trust me.
And then Lastly...Jesus Calling: As you get out of Bed in the Morning, be aware of My Presence with you. Your early morning thoughts tend to be anxious ones until you get connected with me. Invite Me into your thoughts by whispering my name.
I am with you--you face nothing alone. You and I together can handle anything. It is this YOU AND I TOGETHER factor that gives you confidence to face the day cheerfully.
God's word to me: Live in my presence. You have accepted my will, you are learning to trust me...now live in my presence.
See how he tied all those together for me? I don't know. It may just be for me and know one else understands. But I feel a peace.
I went to the cemetery today and talked with John. Told him all I have learned. Told him God's neat revelation and truth to me. Maybe...if he can hear me...he will see that I am growing in the Spirit and know that indeed "all things work for the good of those who love the Lord."
By the way...thank you to the sweet person that put the sticker on the little bench that says, "Jesus Loves John". I was moved. Someone, besides family, loves him and has not forgotten himn. Thank you, thank you.
I love this day.......I love the Lord....Join me in thanking Him for revealing His truth to me....
Saundra
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Well, this has been a hard week. As I look back I know the Lord has helped me.
Isaac had his toe operated on...just an ingrown toenail. But, he couldn't go to white water...so he was stuck at home all week. Made him very miserable. So we haven't gotten along at all.
Matthew and I had a financial argument last night. Ended up alright..but nonetheless, it kind of took the wind out my sails...which were doing pretty well!
It really gets me down and out when I argue with any of the kids. It just really saddens me. So, I try..at all costs usually, to keep from arguing with them. But, when I do...it puts me in a very sad mood for a while until I can pray my way out of it.
Hannah and I haven't been getting along. I want her to spend more time with us. Isaac and Rachel especially have been wanting her to spend some time with them. But, she is the social butterfly...she wants to be with her friends. So we go round and round bout that.
I don't know. It just seems like we are so miserable and uptight...all of us. We just jump at each other's throats lately. I try to keep in calm and quiet...but it seems things are pretty miserable.
Our home just seems unhappy right now. For all of us. It seems that the kids all only think of themselves. I know this is typical. But it is so bad here. They don't care what the other feels. It breaks my heart!
Matthew was looking so forward to a camping trip last night and today...and everyone that said they were going changed their mind. It made him very sad. So...there I am sad also.
One thing I have learned is that I want the kids happy at any cost. I know I can't do that. That it really isn't my responsibility...or is it? Each one is on my mind...whether at home or away from me. I worry if everything is going okay for them. If not, what do I need to do to make them happy?
I can't say no to them. I can't. I try...I can't. Sometimes I am so weary I can hardly take another step...but I keep going.....Yesterday was White water from 11-4. Then home....then to Bueno...then to Frontier City. I could hardly move. But...Isaac couldn't go to white water with us..so I felt like I had to make it up to him by going to Frontier City.
I tell myself that I am tired of trying to make everyone happy...but then I just have to do it again.
I cried so hard last Thursday evening. The kids wanted to go to Frontier City for the first time this summer (yes we went Th and Friday!!!) so I told them we would go. I was so tired. But more than anything I was sick to my stomach as I thought...I am taking them by myself!!!! I will be sitting by myself!!!! ( I can't do rides!) I became so overwhelmingly sick and lonely.
But....I went. We went. It was very lonely for me. My sister, Chris, from Illinois called when I was there...I cried when she asked me what I was doing and I told her. She said she wanted to be down here with me. I explained that when I thought of anyone who I wanted to ask to go with me...they either had a family....so couldn't afford it....single...couldn't afford it...or wouldn't be able to bear the heat... had a family and had to be with them. There was just no one. I AM ALONE! I have determined that basically I AM ALONE!!!! My kids have their friends, my friends have their families (that I can't ask to leave just to be with me), Jay and Marilyn have each other, Dawn has her family and responsibilities......I AM ALONE.
I thought alot this week that I would just give up. Not on life...but on living. I am really not living anyway. I just get through one day...to face another. Take care of the kids...make sure they are alright...and go on. I am not happy....don't know if I ever will be. There is always a longing, a void, a dark corner.......I don't think I care about myself anymore. I have noticed that make up is less and less. Get up....go for a ride on my bike, come home...meet the needs of the kids. That is it for me. That is all I do.
In my devotions...over and over and over again....they tell me to keep my focus on God. I have tried this week...but I always fall short. Today...I am trying...but I can't seem to climb that mountain to meet him.
Bless Marilyn's heart. I called her to see if they were making their usual Saturday run to Sam's. They were not. When she found out I needed to go she said she could find a reason. Sweet as she is....I know the reason...she didn't want me to go alone. It breaks my heart that she is trying so hard to meet my needs...when she has so many of her own. See, I can't and don't want to be a burden to anyone....
I do want to thank Mariann Schmidt and Kelly Stout. Friday we went to White Water...I have always sat alone...alll day. Well yesterday (Friday) they saw me walking alone and Kelly called me over. I ended sitting by them. I have to say it was one of the best days I have had there. The other best day was when Dawn, Allison and Emma came with me and Rach. But it is so lonely for me there...but again....the kids love it there....so there I am.
Well, better get to Sam's. The kids have plans for us tonight. I will have to be ready to go for that.
Pray for me....
Isaac had his toe operated on...just an ingrown toenail. But, he couldn't go to white water...so he was stuck at home all week. Made him very miserable. So we haven't gotten along at all.
Matthew and I had a financial argument last night. Ended up alright..but nonetheless, it kind of took the wind out my sails...which were doing pretty well!
It really gets me down and out when I argue with any of the kids. It just really saddens me. So, I try..at all costs usually, to keep from arguing with them. But, when I do...it puts me in a very sad mood for a while until I can pray my way out of it.
Hannah and I haven't been getting along. I want her to spend more time with us. Isaac and Rachel especially have been wanting her to spend some time with them. But, she is the social butterfly...she wants to be with her friends. So we go round and round bout that.
I don't know. It just seems like we are so miserable and uptight...all of us. We just jump at each other's throats lately. I try to keep in calm and quiet...but it seems things are pretty miserable.
Our home just seems unhappy right now. For all of us. It seems that the kids all only think of themselves. I know this is typical. But it is so bad here. They don't care what the other feels. It breaks my heart!
Matthew was looking so forward to a camping trip last night and today...and everyone that said they were going changed their mind. It made him very sad. So...there I am sad also.
One thing I have learned is that I want the kids happy at any cost. I know I can't do that. That it really isn't my responsibility...or is it? Each one is on my mind...whether at home or away from me. I worry if everything is going okay for them. If not, what do I need to do to make them happy?
I can't say no to them. I can't. I try...I can't. Sometimes I am so weary I can hardly take another step...but I keep going.....Yesterday was White water from 11-4. Then home....then to Bueno...then to Frontier City. I could hardly move. But...Isaac couldn't go to white water with us..so I felt like I had to make it up to him by going to Frontier City.
I tell myself that I am tired of trying to make everyone happy...but then I just have to do it again.
I cried so hard last Thursday evening. The kids wanted to go to Frontier City for the first time this summer (yes we went Th and Friday!!!) so I told them we would go. I was so tired. But more than anything I was sick to my stomach as I thought...I am taking them by myself!!!! I will be sitting by myself!!!! ( I can't do rides!) I became so overwhelmingly sick and lonely.
But....I went. We went. It was very lonely for me. My sister, Chris, from Illinois called when I was there...I cried when she asked me what I was doing and I told her. She said she wanted to be down here with me. I explained that when I thought of anyone who I wanted to ask to go with me...they either had a family....so couldn't afford it....single...couldn't afford it...or wouldn't be able to bear the heat... had a family and had to be with them. There was just no one. I AM ALONE! I have determined that basically I AM ALONE!!!! My kids have their friends, my friends have their families (that I can't ask to leave just to be with me), Jay and Marilyn have each other, Dawn has her family and responsibilities......I AM ALONE.
I thought alot this week that I would just give up. Not on life...but on living. I am really not living anyway. I just get through one day...to face another. Take care of the kids...make sure they are alright...and go on. I am not happy....don't know if I ever will be. There is always a longing, a void, a dark corner.......I don't think I care about myself anymore. I have noticed that make up is less and less. Get up....go for a ride on my bike, come home...meet the needs of the kids. That is it for me. That is all I do.
In my devotions...over and over and over again....they tell me to keep my focus on God. I have tried this week...but I always fall short. Today...I am trying...but I can't seem to climb that mountain to meet him.
Bless Marilyn's heart. I called her to see if they were making their usual Saturday run to Sam's. They were not. When she found out I needed to go she said she could find a reason. Sweet as she is....I know the reason...she didn't want me to go alone. It breaks my heart that she is trying so hard to meet my needs...when she has so many of her own. See, I can't and don't want to be a burden to anyone....
I do want to thank Mariann Schmidt and Kelly Stout. Friday we went to White Water...I have always sat alone...alll day. Well yesterday (Friday) they saw me walking alone and Kelly called me over. I ended sitting by them. I have to say it was one of the best days I have had there. The other best day was when Dawn, Allison and Emma came with me and Rach. But it is so lonely for me there...but again....the kids love it there....so there I am.
Well, better get to Sam's. The kids have plans for us tonight. I will have to be ready to go for that.
Pray for me....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
