As i lay in bed last night I thought well we made it...but I know we were all going to bed with very heavy hearts...still missing him so much. Someone told me the other day it really never goes away. And i thought of how well hannah put it on her facebook page...a year ago a nightmare began that never ends. That is how i guess we all feel....we will never be out of this nightmare.
Today is Hannah's birthday and I don't know how to even treat her. Do I treat her with so much sympathy because my heart is breaking for her and I know she is feeling it too? Do I fake happiness when all i feel is sadness?
Isaac and Rachel and I left School early yesterday. I guess it was so exhausting for them. Just the day, feelings and emotions...not just them but myself also. I began getting texts early from them....and finally I had Matthew come and take them to lunch and then home for the day. They kept texting me, and I couldn't stand for them to all be home alone so I soon left after lunch.
Thankfully they all have such sweet and wonderful friends that occupied their evening. Rachel had her friend Bailey over...Isaac and Matthew hung out with some of Matthew's friends, and Hannah went to the game. So thank the Lord that they had onther things on their minds.
I was very blessed and happy to see all the G shirts. It touched me that he was still remembered by so many. He touched so many lives...my question still comes....why take such a great man from a world that could use him so much?
There is a young man at school. I remember John talking about him. He was special to John...because of the relationship that they had. I still see pain in his eyes when we look at each other. I don't think John, me or anyone will ever know how he touched this boys life. In fact, not too long ago he had the words Griffis ....and the dates shaved onto his head. I could not express to him what that meant to me....it was moving. But it is a testimony of what John meant to this young man, I would one day love to sit down with him and ask him what made John so special to him. Right now though, I believe this boy is still hurting.....
Pray for peace for us. Thanksgving next week.....we normally buy our tree the day after. I dread it. I woild rather go without. But my doctor said I can't...i must move on for the kids. Pray for all of us. How do you even begin to be happy?
Pray for me...wisdom, guidance, and right now......i honestly feel like i am living in another world....another place...a nightmare,....i can't explain what i feel. Just pray for all of us.
Saundra
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thursday November 18, 2010
I can't thinl...it just hurts more and more. I want to go to bed...i don't want to wake up until next year. I have said that before but have never meant it as much.
I did not sleep at all last night. Even took my meds and that did n't help. Rachel came in at one point and just lay beside me.....Lord why?
Why let us continue to hurt? Help me help them. Turn this pain and sorrow into joy...somehow....
I put on a happy face....but i am tired of that lie.
I just want to scream......
I said i would go to school tomorrow, but now I am not so sure I want to. I know everyone is wearing the G shirts so I feel like i have to. But i don't want to. I dont even know what is best anymore,
Went to see my psych yesterday. Of course he said what I am feeling is normal. He gave me help with how to face the holidays...and of course i felt like i had been through the ringer when i walked out. I had cried till i was dry.,...we had talked so much of so many things...i couldn't go back to work..i was a mess. I came home and went to bed.
I know for all of us it is like dooms day looming upon us. I just want to hide. I want to take the kids into my arms and cover us all from what lies ahead tomorrow, sat and the weeks ahead.
Pray for us....pray
Saundra
I did not sleep at all last night. Even took my meds and that did n't help. Rachel came in at one point and just lay beside me.....Lord why?
Why let us continue to hurt? Help me help them. Turn this pain and sorrow into joy...somehow....
I put on a happy face....but i am tired of that lie.
I just want to scream......
I said i would go to school tomorrow, but now I am not so sure I want to. I know everyone is wearing the G shirts so I feel like i have to. But i don't want to. I dont even know what is best anymore,
Went to see my psych yesterday. Of course he said what I am feeling is normal. He gave me help with how to face the holidays...and of course i felt like i had been through the ringer when i walked out. I had cried till i was dry.,...we had talked so much of so many things...i couldn't go back to work..i was a mess. I came home and went to bed.
I know for all of us it is like dooms day looming upon us. I just want to hide. I want to take the kids into my arms and cover us all from what lies ahead tomorrow, sat and the weeks ahead.
Pray for us....pray
Saundra
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
November 16, 2010
This morning my heart is breaking for Hannah. For reasons I don't know she has decided to not go to the fall ball at school. She was so excited about it.
When she came in last night there was a sadness in her eyes. Then i read her facebook post this morning and she said, "It just never goes away."
It broke my heart and brought me to tears. She said what we are all thinking and feeling this week....all year. It just never goes away. The hurt, the pain, the memories. It is always there and this week even so much more.
The memory of that dreadful sat morning ....the sight i saw when i rounded the corner...i will never forget....and oh how the kids must feel it so much more in their little hearts.
I talked to one of Isaacs teachers yesterday and his grade is plummeting. She said she is aware of what is going on...but it is so confusing on how to handle it. He has been a little more quiet too.
It is funny, I can actually see all of us deteriorating as the week goes on. Each of us is growing quieter, and i noticed the kids will just be sitting and staring off into space.
I don't know how we will make it.
Friday will be especially difficult. I am trying to find something for everyone to be doinIg with their friends...stay overs....etc......I don't want them to be sitting at home Friday evening or even sat doing nothing. I have things I can do to take my mind off....but I worry so much about them.
Course, Hannah is so on my mind. I know she is hurting....what do i do?
Please keep her in your prayers,..all of them. Even my happy little rach has a sadness in her eyes......
I never knew i would hurt this way again...i thought it was only at the beginning of this horrible journey.
Saundra
When she came in last night there was a sadness in her eyes. Then i read her facebook post this morning and she said, "It just never goes away."
It broke my heart and brought me to tears. She said what we are all thinking and feeling this week....all year. It just never goes away. The hurt, the pain, the memories. It is always there and this week even so much more.
The memory of that dreadful sat morning ....the sight i saw when i rounded the corner...i will never forget....and oh how the kids must feel it so much more in their little hearts.
I talked to one of Isaacs teachers yesterday and his grade is plummeting. She said she is aware of what is going on...but it is so confusing on how to handle it. He has been a little more quiet too.
It is funny, I can actually see all of us deteriorating as the week goes on. Each of us is growing quieter, and i noticed the kids will just be sitting and staring off into space.
I don't know how we will make it.
Friday will be especially difficult. I am trying to find something for everyone to be doinIg with their friends...stay overs....etc......I don't want them to be sitting at home Friday evening or even sat doing nothing. I have things I can do to take my mind off....but I worry so much about them.
Course, Hannah is so on my mind. I know she is hurting....what do i do?
Please keep her in your prayers,..all of them. Even my happy little rach has a sadness in her eyes......
I never knew i would hurt this way again...i thought it was only at the beginning of this horrible journey.
Saundra
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
November 12, 2010
Wow...it has been a long time since I have been on here. School starting, softball games and other time consuming things kept me from sitting down and getting this done.
But, I have found that this month I need it. It was a big help as I started this journey to put down my feelings and ask for prayer. I would always go away feeling like I had actually given the burden to someone else....still heavy, but somewhat lighter.
Well, here we are....back to the beginning in the way. This has been so hard. I was really hoping I could do it. But it has turned out I am struggling. I shared that I felt like this was harder than the first few months after his passing. Someone said maybe it was the shock...the reponsiblities, that I was trying to do that I really didn't let myself completely feel. But oh I am now.
There hasn't been a day gone by that I have not wept. I cannot contain it. I am so wearry. The day came after school one day last week that I fell apart and gave in. I am not as strong as I thought I was. I wasn't sleeping, eating, resting...or even thinking.
I miss him, and I know of course the kids do. It pains me when I see the pain in their eyes. We had basketball games last night. I noticed both Isaac and Rachel chose the number 10 jersey. Remember that was Johns number. Isaac still has not dealt with it at all. He has had angry moments, tearful moments....i don't think he knows how to handle it. Rachel and Matthew have dealt with it in their own way. I think I could tell when Matthew turned the corner. He has become my partner in this journey....hugging me, helping me.....encouragaing me. Hannah has not dealt with it and is dealing with it in her own way....and I am not sure it is always the best. But keep praying for her.
I am on medication again....I don't like it, but it helps me sleep and get through my days. Today, as have been the last several...I would like to curl up in bed and stay there....but I know I have to go on.
I don't want to face the weeks ahead...I don't. I was not going to go to school this Friday (the anniversary) but I decided I would not want to be home.....then Hannah's birthday is Saturday. That is almost worse for me. It brings back the pain that she felt. How can she ever have a "happy" birthday again? I am thankful that the winter ball is this saturday. Hopefully her mind will be preoccupied. Pray for her. Bless her heart...how she must hurt.
Thanksgiving....I have asked that we be alone. My family was more than willing to be here...but i couldn't staned the thought of having all the pain......thinking I had to smile....I just want to be with my kids....and be there for them.
It was tradition to go get our tree the day after thanksgiving. We will probably do it again. But how...how....oh it hurts.
I would rather go without celebrating at all. No tree..nothing. But for the kids....
I will be better about blogging..i need it.....i need the prayer..i need the support....
Love,
Saundra
But, I have found that this month I need it. It was a big help as I started this journey to put down my feelings and ask for prayer. I would always go away feeling like I had actually given the burden to someone else....still heavy, but somewhat lighter.
Well, here we are....back to the beginning in the way. This has been so hard. I was really hoping I could do it. But it has turned out I am struggling. I shared that I felt like this was harder than the first few months after his passing. Someone said maybe it was the shock...the reponsiblities, that I was trying to do that I really didn't let myself completely feel. But oh I am now.
There hasn't been a day gone by that I have not wept. I cannot contain it. I am so wearry. The day came after school one day last week that I fell apart and gave in. I am not as strong as I thought I was. I wasn't sleeping, eating, resting...or even thinking.
I miss him, and I know of course the kids do. It pains me when I see the pain in their eyes. We had basketball games last night. I noticed both Isaac and Rachel chose the number 10 jersey. Remember that was Johns number. Isaac still has not dealt with it at all. He has had angry moments, tearful moments....i don't think he knows how to handle it. Rachel and Matthew have dealt with it in their own way. I think I could tell when Matthew turned the corner. He has become my partner in this journey....hugging me, helping me.....encouragaing me. Hannah has not dealt with it and is dealing with it in her own way....and I am not sure it is always the best. But keep praying for her.
I am on medication again....I don't like it, but it helps me sleep and get through my days. Today, as have been the last several...I would like to curl up in bed and stay there....but I know I have to go on.
I don't want to face the weeks ahead...I don't. I was not going to go to school this Friday (the anniversary) but I decided I would not want to be home.....then Hannah's birthday is Saturday. That is almost worse for me. It brings back the pain that she felt. How can she ever have a "happy" birthday again? I am thankful that the winter ball is this saturday. Hopefully her mind will be preoccupied. Pray for her. Bless her heart...how she must hurt.
Thanksgiving....I have asked that we be alone. My family was more than willing to be here...but i couldn't staned the thought of having all the pain......thinking I had to smile....I just want to be with my kids....and be there for them.
It was tradition to go get our tree the day after thanksgiving. We will probably do it again. But how...how....oh it hurts.
I would rather go without celebrating at all. No tree..nothing. But for the kids....
I will be better about blogging..i need it.....i need the prayer..i need the support....
Love,
Saundra
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