This is a hard day for me. I am struggling. It's funny, I feel like i have been doing pretty well. This week has been hard. Seems Hannah is trying to spread her wings a little bit.
I had some papers that I needed her to sign the other day...so I went to the school, only to find out that she hadn't even been there...it was 8:30. I called her and she had just drove into the parking lot. After talking to her I found out that this had not been the first time.
I didn't feel like i could handle it alone..so knowing Rocky would help I had her go to the office with me and we talked with Rocky about it. Rocky was wonderful. But when I went to hug her she would let me and then within minutes i got a text from her that said, "I hate you. You are ruining my life." It broke my heart.
Then, found out Isaac isn't doing well in Algebra. He fought me about going to tutoring even though the teacher said he needed to go. So, i talked to her and Coach Brown and they fully supported and helped me. Coach Brown talked to Isaac and I haven't had any trouble getting him to go to tutoring since,.
Hannah still won't talk to me...it hurts. I know what i did was right.....but i have to always be the bad guy.
Rachel is sick. I had to leave her home alone on Friday. I hated it. I am her mother...i should have been there for her.
Right now...i feel a little overwhelmed...a little useless as a mom. I shared with a friend at work that i feel like I am always trying to please the kids....in everything. I finally felt like i could go out with friends and enjoy the evening. But Matthew informed me that I need to be home. That I should not go out with them.
So, I don't feel like i can really go out because he gets angry when i do. Though, i am unhappy when i am home...because again...it is always about pleasing them.
I don't know...maybe its true. But i feel like a deserve a life also. I just can't please them though. That is the whole point. It seems like one of the kids are mad at me all the time. I am under constant pressure for peace between someone.
Then, today has reminded me again and again that my birthday is coming up. I don't want to celebrate without John. It is just not going to be fun...i don't even want it to come.
Just pray for us. Pray that I can somehow compromise with the kids so that there will be peace. That God will give me wisdom.
Just pray for us.
Saundra
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Sept. 7, 2010..Tuesday
To my faithful followers,...i am sorry that i have not been faithful in blogging. Since school has started I feel like i barely have time to breathe. God has been faithful to help me though.
Matthew started back to SNU and seems to be enjoying it much more than last semester. I am grateful for that. He deserves a good year. He seems to have made great friends with the golf team and i really am happy for that. Had his first tournament today....he said he did awful. But for others it would be awesome. He is a lot like John....he is hard on himself.
Hannah is still the bubbling girl she has always been. She is a senior this year...I heard somebody once say...when you have a senior just start unloading that wallet.....wow, there is money going everywhere. We did have her sr pics taken....they were adorable. It is going to be hard to choose from. But then again...money!! She is having the time of her life, during this last year of high school. I know that graduation is going to be hard for me..but i think, though it will be happy for her...i think she will be very sad that daddy could not be there with her. But, i will not borrow trouble from tomorrow.....
Isaac is doing okay. He just struggles so much in school. He refuses to admit it which makes it hard for anyone to help him. His hardest subject is Algebra, and Mrs. Cagle is trying her best. He is still very argumentative...everyone keeps telling me that it is his anger.....I just need him to be more agreeable.
Rachel is my happy baby. She makes life happier for me. She is doing well is school. She has been involved in softball and that keeps us hopping. She has a fun time with her friends and that helps get her through many days.
None of them have been to the cemetary. That hurts me so much. But, i don't mention it, they say they will do it in their time.
I am getting out more. A co-teacher and i are starting to do things together. It is nice to get out and about again. It took a little bit, i felt guilty. But that has now passed and i enjoy getting out. Matthew was angry at first. He didn't want me going out. Didn't understand why i wanted to. I told him that,as golf was his outlet, my friend is mine,. He seemed to really back down with understanding.
I am doing alright. Really doing well i think. I still have my days...both good and bad. But God has been very faithful to me.
My prayer requests are for the kids. Heal their hurts, their pain. Help them in school....with their work and make wise decisions.
Help me to make wise decisions...concerning the kids, financing, and other decisons i have to make everyday.
Thanks for your prayers,
saundra
Matthew started back to SNU and seems to be enjoying it much more than last semester. I am grateful for that. He deserves a good year. He seems to have made great friends with the golf team and i really am happy for that. Had his first tournament today....he said he did awful. But for others it would be awesome. He is a lot like John....he is hard on himself.
Hannah is still the bubbling girl she has always been. She is a senior this year...I heard somebody once say...when you have a senior just start unloading that wallet.....wow, there is money going everywhere. We did have her sr pics taken....they were adorable. It is going to be hard to choose from. But then again...money!! She is having the time of her life, during this last year of high school. I know that graduation is going to be hard for me..but i think, though it will be happy for her...i think she will be very sad that daddy could not be there with her. But, i will not borrow trouble from tomorrow.....
Isaac is doing okay. He just struggles so much in school. He refuses to admit it which makes it hard for anyone to help him. His hardest subject is Algebra, and Mrs. Cagle is trying her best. He is still very argumentative...everyone keeps telling me that it is his anger.....I just need him to be more agreeable.
Rachel is my happy baby. She makes life happier for me. She is doing well is school. She has been involved in softball and that keeps us hopping. She has a fun time with her friends and that helps get her through many days.
None of them have been to the cemetary. That hurts me so much. But, i don't mention it, they say they will do it in their time.
I am getting out more. A co-teacher and i are starting to do things together. It is nice to get out and about again. It took a little bit, i felt guilty. But that has now passed and i enjoy getting out. Matthew was angry at first. He didn't want me going out. Didn't understand why i wanted to. I told him that,as golf was his outlet, my friend is mine,. He seemed to really back down with understanding.
I am doing alright. Really doing well i think. I still have my days...both good and bad. But God has been very faithful to me.
My prayer requests are for the kids. Heal their hurts, their pain. Help them in school....with their work and make wise decisions.
Help me to make wise decisions...concerning the kids, financing, and other decisons i have to make everyday.
Thanks for your prayers,
saundra
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tuesday, Aug 17 2010
Debbie, there is a reason God put me on your heart...more than you know.....
I am in turmoil... I have kept things in my heart until I am to burst. I wanted everyone to think that all was well. I don't know why...I am not proud. I have nothing to be proud of. Guess with all the help we recieved I didn't want to ask for anything else. But it has come to the point where I am going to beg for prayers...
I feel like my family is falling apart. I don't know the anger from John's death is finally hitting the boys or what it is. But this morning, as I prayed I didn't even know what to say to God, I didn't know how to pray. I just cried "MERCY".
Matthew seems to have such hatred for me. Such disrespect. It has come to the point that I am afraid of him. He isn't always that way...sometimes he can be so loving. Then the next minute so angry. He recently did something totally against my instructions not too. Actually bringing danger into our home. So, we had an all out argument. He said such hurtful and hateful things to me.
God answered prayer and the event ended. It was taken from my home. But he still is angry...so angry.
I don't tell you these things to hate Matthew...but I need help with him. Prayer...is the answer and I am crying out to you...revealing a weakness......just asking for prayer.
Then Isaac. I really can't get him to do anything I ask. No respect.. just angry outbursts like Matthew. Laughing at me when I ask him to do something...then totally disregarding me.
Again..I need help. Neither will go to counseling..that option isn't on the table.
So...I beg, I cry for your help. I am opening up....I know of know where else to go. I felt the Lord lead me here this morning....someone help me........just pray.
I just feel that I have no control of my home. I can't ask anything of the boys. They offer no help. It seems that they live in their own world...and the girls and I in ours. No respect.
The girls seem to be doing fine. They are respectful and sweet. In fact, the other night I went out with some friends and Hannah text me and said, "Mommy, have a good time. You deserve it." I cried. She understands me.
It is the boys. I don't know what to do. ...but to ask for prayer...the more prayers...."where two or more are gathered...." I rest on his promises. But how I need your prayers.
I start school today (teachers report), so pray for me...it is hard.
Went to Rachel's first softball game last night...that too was hard. I kept seeing the girls John coached last year and heard his words about each one. How he loved her. How she did this that made him laugh. Each one held a certain place in his heart..and I remembered how each had something that he considered dear to him. He had a name for each one...a pet name. I had to giggle to myself. But, I missed him.
I am falling...into despair. Pray for me.
I only hope as you read this...you don't think of me as a failure, or that my kids are horrible. They just need help.
Love,
Saundra
I am in turmoil... I have kept things in my heart until I am to burst. I wanted everyone to think that all was well. I don't know why...I am not proud. I have nothing to be proud of. Guess with all the help we recieved I didn't want to ask for anything else. But it has come to the point where I am going to beg for prayers...
I feel like my family is falling apart. I don't know the anger from John's death is finally hitting the boys or what it is. But this morning, as I prayed I didn't even know what to say to God, I didn't know how to pray. I just cried "MERCY".
Matthew seems to have such hatred for me. Such disrespect. It has come to the point that I am afraid of him. He isn't always that way...sometimes he can be so loving. Then the next minute so angry. He recently did something totally against my instructions not too. Actually bringing danger into our home. So, we had an all out argument. He said such hurtful and hateful things to me.
God answered prayer and the event ended. It was taken from my home. But he still is angry...so angry.
I don't tell you these things to hate Matthew...but I need help with him. Prayer...is the answer and I am crying out to you...revealing a weakness......just asking for prayer.
Then Isaac. I really can't get him to do anything I ask. No respect.. just angry outbursts like Matthew. Laughing at me when I ask him to do something...then totally disregarding me.
Again..I need help. Neither will go to counseling..that option isn't on the table.
So...I beg, I cry for your help. I am opening up....I know of know where else to go. I felt the Lord lead me here this morning....someone help me........just pray.
I just feel that I have no control of my home. I can't ask anything of the boys. They offer no help. It seems that they live in their own world...and the girls and I in ours. No respect.
The girls seem to be doing fine. They are respectful and sweet. In fact, the other night I went out with some friends and Hannah text me and said, "Mommy, have a good time. You deserve it." I cried. She understands me.
It is the boys. I don't know what to do. ...but to ask for prayer...the more prayers...."where two or more are gathered...." I rest on his promises. But how I need your prayers.
I start school today (teachers report), so pray for me...it is hard.
Went to Rachel's first softball game last night...that too was hard. I kept seeing the girls John coached last year and heard his words about each one. How he loved her. How she did this that made him laugh. Each one held a certain place in his heart..and I remembered how each had something that he considered dear to him. He had a name for each one...a pet name. I had to giggle to myself. But, I missed him.
I am falling...into despair. Pray for me.
I only hope as you read this...you don't think of me as a failure, or that my kids are horrible. They just need help.
Love,
Saundra
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Sunday August 15, 2010
Well school is upon us. I am not doing well with it. I feel so totally overwhelmed. I never realized how much help John was in preparing the kids for school. We would always start getting them into bed at school days bedtime a week before school. I have done horrible. It just seems at 10:00 at night...which is when they SHOULD be in bed...I am busy doing laundry....etc...so that I forget to send them there. You don't think they would do it themselves do you?
I had a rough day today. Church was awesome...and when my heart was ready to burst in worship of our Lord, Sunday School was there. It was a great morning in His house. But in my house in was a different story. I feel like I am losing authority in my home. Honestly, are there days when you just feel like no one will listen to you. That is how I feel tonight as I am blogging this.
It just feels like everything is against me. I wish I could wish him back.
Isaac and I rode in the Children's Center Bike Ride yesterday. We rode the 52. It was very hot. But as I was getting ready here at home, all I could think of was John....getting ready with him. Then as I rode, mainly by myself..cuz Isaac can really ride, I had a lot of time to think. It seemed like there were markers in the road where I would remember certain things happening last year as John and I rode. That was the last ride he and I rode in. The last. I really missed him. When I thought I couldn't do it...I would think how he would encourage me on...even if it meant coming up behind me, grabbing my seat and giving me a little shove.
That is what I feel like I need right now...a little shove from him. Because right now, I am overwhelmed. I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to go to work right now. I just want to go and be away from this busyness, this stress, this anger that I feel in my home....the responsibilities, dealing with the finances (David is slowly going to teach me how he is doing it for me).. and I know I have to...but I don't want to. I can't do all that. This is all too much for one person.
Someone asked me the other day...it is different being a single parent isn't it? OH!!! If they only knew...it is you that carry the burden of the children, it is you that hands out the discipline....you can't hand it to someone because you are tired, or are carrying your own burden, it is you that is the bad person most of the time, it is you, you, you. I don't want to be the YOU anymore. Not for right now. I will come back. But I need help.
Pray for me. My help comes from the Lord. Pray for my kids. Pray for Matthew and Isaac. Just pray. I am overwhelmed.
Love, Saundra
I had a rough day today. Church was awesome...and when my heart was ready to burst in worship of our Lord, Sunday School was there. It was a great morning in His house. But in my house in was a different story. I feel like I am losing authority in my home. Honestly, are there days when you just feel like no one will listen to you. That is how I feel tonight as I am blogging this.
It just feels like everything is against me. I wish I could wish him back.
Isaac and I rode in the Children's Center Bike Ride yesterday. We rode the 52. It was very hot. But as I was getting ready here at home, all I could think of was John....getting ready with him. Then as I rode, mainly by myself..cuz Isaac can really ride, I had a lot of time to think. It seemed like there were markers in the road where I would remember certain things happening last year as John and I rode. That was the last ride he and I rode in. The last. I really missed him. When I thought I couldn't do it...I would think how he would encourage me on...even if it meant coming up behind me, grabbing my seat and giving me a little shove.
That is what I feel like I need right now...a little shove from him. Because right now, I am overwhelmed. I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to go to work right now. I just want to go and be away from this busyness, this stress, this anger that I feel in my home....the responsibilities, dealing with the finances (David is slowly going to teach me how he is doing it for me).. and I know I have to...but I don't want to. I can't do all that. This is all too much for one person.
Someone asked me the other day...it is different being a single parent isn't it? OH!!! If they only knew...it is you that carry the burden of the children, it is you that hands out the discipline....you can't hand it to someone because you are tired, or are carrying your own burden, it is you that is the bad person most of the time, it is you, you, you. I don't want to be the YOU anymore. Not for right now. I will come back. But I need help.
Pray for me. My help comes from the Lord. Pray for my kids. Pray for Matthew and Isaac. Just pray. I am overwhelmed.
Love, Saundra
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