April 1, 2010, Thurs

Just got home from Isaacs baseball game. Can't sleep. The girls are gone to friends house...boys are in bed. I am really feeling lonely today.

It was one of those days. I woke up late making everyone late and on edge. It just made me feel so overwhelmed. I am so tired. Weary. I feel pulled in so many directions. Trying to make everyone happy. I don't want to cause any conflict amongst me and/or the kids.

I have been driving the Saturn. An older car....old car...that gramps gave Matthew when he went to OWU. It was not the "Typical" teenagers car, but it was all he had at that time. He loves to drive our explorer. My explorer. He drives it all the time now. Pretty much. I drive the Saturn. It gets great gas milleage...great....as well as Hannah's little truck. But that Explorer. It is a gas hog. Well, with Isaac having games our of town......way out of town, and Hannah have track meets....way out of town...I really need a more reliable car.

Because I was driving more and further distances I was telling David that I would have to budget in more gas money. When he figured out I was driving the Saturn so far....and Matthew was driving the Explorer he kind of wondered why. I explained that he didn't like the Saturn....and I didn't mind driving the Saturn. He then explained to me that there were people who were taking care of the explorer for me so I would have something safe to drive. Therefore, driving long distances, by myself, I should drive that.

Upon further discussion he suggested that maybe we could trade the Explorer in for something smaller that used less gas. Which would also mean that that would put Matthew back in the Saturn. You wouldn't believe the internal conflict I am going through. I know the right thing would be to do just that. But then he would be upset and wouldn't want to drive the Saturn. I would once again let him have the newer car. Again defeating the purpose.

I am so confused. I don't want conflict. I want Matthew happy. But what do I do? I don't know. I am just yapping away because it is on my mind....and this is my voice! Do I save gas? Do I make Matthew unhappy? I mean ...I don't mind driving the Saturn. But I put $10 worth of gas in the explorer for Matthew the other night....it brought the needle up to about 1/4 of a tank. The next night I got in it to run to Walgreen's and it was already on empty. I can put 10 in the Saturn, or Hannah 10 in the truck and it will last us a week at the least.

Just pray with me. I don't even know what to pray for!!!!! But pray!!!

The kids are doing great. Matthew seems to have more love and life in him than I have seen in 10 years!!! I felt so badly about waking up late, and yes Isaac yelled at me. I went in to wake Matthew up and he had heard the conversation and he just called me to his bed, put his arms up, and hugged me. He is becoming more and more sensitive. Tonight he spoke before he thought and immediately apologized to me. That hasn't happened in like forever!!!!!

Hannah, seems not to mind staying home as much anymore. I really think it was a break through when she voiced her opinion to me. She is doing a lot better now.

Isaac still needs a heart change. He becomes angry so easily.

Rach is doing great. She still has a little time being away from me...but can be talked into it!!!!

All of them need a real and deep relationship with our Lord.

I am feeling really lonely today and yesterday. I keep thinking I can't do it. Easter is hard. We had fun Easter morning. I am going to do the same.....I don't want to change anything. The kids are already asking...(the little ones) about coloring eggs. A Saturday evening tradition. But it wont' be the same. I am hoping that Hannah keeps her good attitude through it all.

Pray for us. It will be a hard weekend.

I love you all so much for being my friends and listeners, readers, commenters..etc...angels...

Thank you,
Saundra