I hesitate to write what I am about to because I think there will be people who doubt what I have said all this time. That there will be people who doubt Our Living God because of my failure. But, I talked with a friend today and she said to me that my kids will have UPS and they will be doing great and all of a sudden they will be DOWN. This made me realize that I, too, will have those feelings. It is normal. I don't have to hide my sadness...my down days.......
And I am having one of those today. It started yesterday when I was looking at Hannah's yearbook and saw the wonderful tribute the Mr George gave to John. It made so many memories come to my mind. So, on my way to get groceries, I thought I would stop by the cemetery and spend some time and also look at the new grass that we had planted one week ago.
When I drove up I immediately started crying. Just not believing why I was there....for my Husband. For John. When I got closer to his place I realized that no grass had grown. The ground was still just dirt and hard dirt. There was no way that they grass could grow. I began to cry and just laid my head on the dirt. I said the Lord's Prayer...and the 23rd Psalm. I sat a little longer then got in my car. I had decided that I was going to walmart and buy some garden hoses (enough to get from the water faucet to His place. I would also buy some dirt and some grass seed.
When I got in the car I called Marilyn just to let her know that no grass had grown. She said to wait there and she would be there. When they arrived Jay took a rake and raked up the very hard dirt. Then we carried a couple of buckets of water and got the dirt wet, planted some seed, wet it again, then covered it. I am hoping to see grass next week.
That just set the tone for my day. Not to mention that I was so very lonely. Hannah gone, Rach with a friend, Matthew gone, Isaac doing his thing. I was so lonely.
This morning I woke with him on my mind. Wishing he were beside me. Took a shower and woke the kids. Matthew was running behind so Isaac and Rach and I walked to church. Another very lonely time for me. If you ever passed 42nd and College on Sunday Morning...you would see us walking....John and I holding hands with Rach and Isaac in the front. I reached over and took Rach's hand...I needed to hold something.
All the kids had walked home by the time I was out of Sunday School, so I started walking. It was more than I could bear, as I started crying walking through the campus. It was so lonely. I missed him so much. Those were such special times to me.
One thing that is a concern of mine is that I feel taken advantage of by my kids. Literally, and not to whine or cry about it, but I do literally everything in this house. Laundry, sweep, mop, dust, meals, taken garbage out. If John saw me doing something he would help or do it for me. I can't get the kids to help. They are all too busy or say "just a minute" and it doesn't get down. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I today...for the first time...since John has passed away...I want to go away. Just to get away from the pressure of raising the kids alone. I want to get away from the burden of the household responsibilities. Is that wrong? Somebody tell me???
I haven't lost my faith in God. I am just tired. I know he is here. He is here as I type this. But I am tired.
I shouldn't be crying about it. I know there are people much worse than I am in this situation. Forgive me. But I had to sound off. Remember...this is my sounding board. My prayer request message board.
So, this is all a prayer request....this is my most urgent need today.