Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sunday, May 23 2010

I hesitate to write what I am about to because I think there will be people who doubt what I have said all this time. That there will be people who doubt Our Living God because of my failure. But, I talked with a friend today and she said to me that my kids will have UPS and they will be doing great and all of a sudden they will be DOWN. This made me realize that I, too, will have those feelings. It is normal. I don't have to hide my down days.......

And I am having one of those today. It started yesterday when I was looking at Hannah's yearbook and saw the wonderful tribute the Mr George gave to John. It made so many memories come to my mind. So, on my way to get groceries, I thought I would stop by the cemetery and spend some time and also look at the new grass that we had planted one week ago.

When I drove up I immediately started crying. Just not believing why I was there....for my Husband. For John. When I got closer to his place I realized that no grass had grown. The ground was still just dirt and hard dirt. There was no way that they grass could grow. I began to cry and just laid my head on the dirt. I said the Lord's Prayer...and the 23rd Psalm. I sat a little longer then got in my car. I had decided that I was going to walmart and buy some garden hoses (enough to get from the water faucet to His place. I would also buy some dirt and some grass seed.

When I got in the car I called Marilyn just to let her know that no grass had grown. She said to wait there and she would be there. When they arrived Jay took a rake and raked up the very hard dirt. Then we carried a couple of buckets of water and got the dirt wet, planted some seed, wet it again, then covered it. I am hoping to see grass next week.

That just set the tone for my day. Not to mention that I was so very lonely. Hannah gone, Rach with a friend, Matthew gone, Isaac doing his thing. I was so lonely.

This morning I woke with him on my mind. Wishing he were beside me. Took a shower and woke the kids. Matthew was running behind so Isaac and Rach and I walked to church. Another very lonely time for me. If you ever passed 42nd and College on Sunday would see us walking....John and I holding hands with Rach and Isaac in the front. I reached over and took Rach's hand...I needed to hold something.

All the kids had walked home by the time I was out of Sunday School, so I started walking. It was more than I could bear, as I started crying walking through the campus. It was so lonely. I missed him so much. Those were such special times to me.

One thing that is a concern of mine is that I feel taken advantage of by my kids. Literally, and not to whine or cry about it, but I do literally everything in this house. Laundry, sweep, mop, dust, meals, taken garbage out. If John saw me doing something he would help or do it for me. I can't get the kids to help. They are all too busy or say "just a minute" and it doesn't get down. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I today...for the first time...since John has passed away...I want to go away. Just to get away from the pressure of raising the kids alone. I want to get away from the burden of the household responsibilities. Is that wrong? Somebody tell me???

I haven't lost my faith in God. I am just tired. I know he is here. He is here as I type this. But I am tired.

I shouldn't be crying about it. I know there are people much worse than I am in this situation. Forgive me. But I had to sound off. Remember...this is my sounding board. My prayer request message board.

So, this is all a prayer request....this is my most urgent need today.



missd said...

It is okay, believe me, it is okay. In fact, if you didn't have that feeling, like it is overwhelming and you don't want to do it~then I would think you might still be in denial. This is not what we planned when we entered parenthood, Lamaze classes, lactation consultants, Leleche, What to expect when You're Expecting books...we never dreamed we would be parenting alone.

It is a shocker. Even sometimes after this long, but I do get away, and I take trips, and get out in nature. Of course, then I have to come home and go back to work and be head of household. I am not as much of a perfectionist as I once was. I don't invest in friendships like I once did (many of those old friends don't live here anyways). I do the basics for my family, house hold, maintenance, yard, fence repairs, car shop, etc. I don't do as many fun projects or craftsy things. I have one main hobby: scrapbooking. We havn't even ridden bikes for a year. Played tennis once this last year. don't swim and workout like we used to.

I know you must be tired. Sorry.

I had to let the planned SCHEDULE just slide because i was too tired. Try to do laundry and chores on Saturday. I am a planner. I want it all straight and done, but I'm not an OCD person, so I just decided to let it slide. I use Lysol in the kitchen and bathroom. We keep the pets groomed. We keep the vacuum out and us it when needed. I do the Swiffer in kitchen and bathrooms and entry when needed. Not always on Saturday.

And BTW, my kid has been doing 1 load of her own laundry each week, one load of dishes each week, vacuum once a month and take care of her cats. Or, she doesn't get her allowance, no magazines, etc at the store and/or she will just have dirty clothes. But, beware, sometimes preteens will wear dirty clothes:)

I take care of her pets and laundry, etc. when she is gone every other weekend. And of course, she has someone over there who will get her what I said "no" about, will give her money, etc. So, her chore skills are not being reinforced by another authority figure, so it is difficult to teach these skills and the need to help the family. It's not what I planned. We make due, floors are dirty once in a while. But, we have food and fun times anyways. Popcorn and chocolate makes everything right.

My old true friends would understand the messy house (and help me out) but making new friends is a bit different, because they judge like they think I was always messy. Oh well, let it be. I don't need the hassle of judgemental people. I am not superwoman, I am tired sometimes, so I rest at that time. Then I get up on time and get to work, take care of things and then rest again.

One last thing on my mind, be sure to get you blood pressure checked regularly, and take the pills if prescribed.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you tonight. I am glad that you feel able to share your true feelings. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have days like you're having today!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Saundra, there will be days like this, a new day will dawn tomorrow and I will be praying that it will be a much better day for you. You need the time that school being out will give you, without all the rushing and busy schedule. Keep saying the Lord's Prayer and I will be praying for you too. Pat M

Anonymous said...

Saun (sb)

Hang in there! Prayers for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

This summer is a great time to get the kids chore chart ready and start. Just explain to them that they need to be responsible for certain items in the house (so you all can enjoy your summer more). You could even make up a chart, so they know what needs to be done on a daily basis. It won't take much time out of their day and they may enjoy having tasks to do, instead of just asking randomly to do things and the pressure is on you to continually ask and remind or to just get frustrated if it's not done. The chart takes that pressure off of you. Dishes, laundry, trash, dusting, vacumming, and even bath room duties can be appointed to your kids. This would lighten your load and also get your kids in the servitude mode! Be STRONG and BOLD My FRIEND!!

todd said...

I'm so sorry you had such a bad day, but you will always have some ... less as time goes by, but you will. My Father definitely has his good and bad days (my Mother pass away just after this Christmas time). I talk to him every day, and believe me he experiences some big ups and downs. It must hurt terribly, but at least you know there will be up days too! Praying for you ...
As to your kids taking more responsibility, absolutely! You can not do it all ... and should not be expected to. They need to take on some regular chores to help. I hope they will take the news positively ... and recognize that you need thier help on a regular basis in several areas.
Have you thought about getting a small section of turf to put around John's place? It would sure take faster than trying to grow it ... I would guess you could get some through Lowes or Home Depot (but I'm not sure) ...
Prayers and continued good wishes for you and your children!!!

Anonymous said...

I too, weeped when I saw the tribute to your husband and my son, Benjamin. A friend of Ben's that he grew up with took his yearbook around and had so many friends, coaches and teachers sign it. I'm grateful for that gesture of love, but it ripped my heart out nonetheless. I check your blog every once in awhile to see how you're doing. I pray for you often. Though the Lord has been quite encouraging to me and has placed some incredible people in my life, it still doesn't stop the crying coming from a place I never cried from before everyday. Life just sucks sometimes! I think you're amazing, whether you feel like you are or not! I always heard take everything 1 day at a time. Now I know what that means. God only gives us enough grace for today. But you already know that, don't you? I do bad with God standing beside me. I most definitely would not want to go through this without Him!

Anonymous said...

Saundra, It is hard to be the head of your household when you never planned to have to make decisions and fix things that are broken. Making a list with things that your children are resposnsible for is a good start. Just try not to take up the slack when they don't do what they are supposed to do. Although I did not lose a spouse to death, I became a single parent overnight. My kids will tell you that for a year the only thing I could do was vacuum everyday and eat at Pancho's for dinner. Finally, after a year of Mexican food and clean carpet, things did improve. Hang in there, people are praying for your strength and your heart and soul to heal.

Blue-Eyed Mystery said...

I will be praying.

I agree with those that said you should start a chore list for your kids, it will help you, and it will help them become responsible in the long run. Go for it.