Where do I begin? How do I begin? My faith has not faltered? I believe God is with me. I believe He is sending His Comforter. I believe He is carrying me. I believe He is catching each tear. So why do I cry so much now? Why is my heart breaking.
These are the questions I am facing tonight. Just when I felt like I was doing great, I feel like I am falling again. Drowning in pain and anguish. I read in my devotion this morning... in 2 Corinthians 4:18...that "I will not fix my eyes on my circumstance, but on your presence. Because my circumstances are temporary, but your presence is eternal." I know that, but right now it is so hard.
I have been putting off thinking of what tomorrow is....John's birthday. I realize that because it has hit me so hard tonight. It has nearly crushed me. I want to do something for him. But I didn't know what to do. I thought I would not want to go to the cemetery because I cannot imagine him just laying in that mound of dirt. There is no stone there yet. It can't be pretty.
Tonight I went over to Jay and Marilyn's. Jay was checking the oil for me before we left for Ardmore tomorrow. Marilyn asked me if I wanted to do something for his birthday. I said that I did, but didn't know what. She then told me that she was going to the cemetery. I told her I didn't think I wanted to do that. Dawn said she would go with her. Jay said he didn't think he could.
When I got home, I was doing laundry and thinking about it. The more I thought, the more I cried, the more I missed him. I want to be with him. I want to be with him on his birthday. I started praying, asking for guidance. And I really want to see him. That is hard for some of you to understand. But, going there would be seeing him, being with him. That is as close as I can get to him. I knew then, that if I did not go out there tomorrow that I would regret it. I told Sallye that I would rather have the short lived pain of going out there, then living with the regret of missing this birthday with him.
I called Marilyn and told her I would go. Then I went to Matthew and Isaac (both in Matthew's room) and told them that grams, Aunt Dawn, and I were going out to the cemetery for daddy's birthday. If they wanted to go they could. If they didn't, that was okay too. Isaac immediately said he couldn't. Matthew said he wanted to. I then went to the girls and did the same. Hannah said she didn't want to. Rachel said she wanted to and wanted to take Hot Tamales out too. (Those of you who knew him well, know that Dr. Pepper and Hot Tamales were his favorite) and Rachel remembers too. I left telling them all that they needed to sleep on it, and really make the decision tomorrow. So that is what we will do.
Pray for us. This is another step. Another first. Another hurt...more pain....but it all goes along with the whole circumstance. I think if I can get a grasp of that fact, and the fact that "I not focus on the circumstance, but His presence in our circumstance" that I can do this and come out on top. I will, we will.
Pray, please pray. This is a step I am not looking forward too. For me, or the kids. I am not sure what will hurt more, my being there, or seeing the kids in so much hurt and pain.
Thanks for praying. I will let you know.