Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I first have to tell you the learning experience I had Sunday a.m. If you are reading this, then you know me pretty well, and you know that I have cleaved to Sallye Siems. She has been there for me Sunday morning after Sunday morning so I wouldn't have to sit alone in either church or S.S. Church isn't so bad....but going into S.S. is so hard. Not only do I feel so alone, I feel like I stand out as a sore thumb, and it brings back many memories of John and I in class together. So, the Lord has used her to be my "faithful sister" on Sundays.

Saturday evening I got a text from Sallye that she wasn't going to be there. They were going out of town. I panicked. But would never, never let her know that. She has every right to be with her family. I didn't want her to be torn. So, I cheerfully text her back and told her to have fun. But in the pit of my stomach I was sick. I already was thinking of who I could ask to sit with. Then, a thought occurred to me...."leave it to me". I knew right away it was the Lord. "Leave it to me". It just kept resounding in my head. All evening Saturday, when I would begin to think of who I could ask, I would hear that same thing, "Leave it to me."

Isaac and I had a hard morning. Just butting heads as usual. Church went great. I enjoyed the sermon and the message so much. When it came time to go to Sunday School, I had to bite my tongue not to ask one of the kids to sit with me...I had even thought of asking Marilyn to come with me. But all I heard was, "Leave it to Me". So I hushed.

As I walked into Sunday School Class whose eyes would meet mine...but Joan's (her last name escapes me now). She came right to me and asked how things were. Because my heart is still raw, and I had such a terrible morning with Isaac I broke down and shared my feelings with her. It wasn't long until Cyndi Curry and Mike Curry came along beside us and began to share their experiences with me. All three were such terrific comfort and help to me. Then Joan led me to sit beside her. I sat down next to her...actually between she and Cyndi, and I had to smile. Yes indeed, He had taken care of it. Just as He had promised. But I had to LET Him. I felt so comforted. So, loved. It opened my eyes to a small glimmer of what Jesus can do when we LET Him.

This morning started as any other morning. I woke about 5:30 and came out, got a cup of Joe and came into my God Time Chair. I read the suggested reading from our church bulletin, a little bit of 2 Timothy and then in my "Reading through the Bible Bible. Then I have three books that have been my eyes into what God is teaching me for a specific day. It never amazes me how they either are all three regarding the same thing on a given day, or they combine to teach me an amazing truth.

So, I opened God Calling: It said to me. "You can never go beyond My Love and Care. No evil can befall you. Circumstances I bless and use much be the right ones for you.

The first step: Lay your will before Me as an offering, ready that I shall do what is best, sure that what I do for you will be best.

Second Step: Be sure and tell me so, that I am Powerful enough to do everything, that no miracle is impossible with me.

THEN: Leave all with me. Sure of safety and protection...you cannot see the future, I can.

Accept My Will and it will bring you joy.

God's word to me? (and to some of you this may be a "well yeah! of course..thing. but to me it was eyes opening)...
He could have healed and saved John. I now believe that. Before I was scared to admit that because then I didn't know why he wouldn't. But through this small message...yes...he could have healed John. He could have brought Him back to us perfect. But He chose not to. For whatever reason He chose not to. I have to accept that as God's will. Jesus did not want to accept that it was His Father's will that He died on the cross, but He did accept it. And look what happened!!!!! Nothing but good came from it.

So, I accept God's death. I don't have to be happy about it...I don't rejoice about it. Naturally, he is gone, there is a big void in my/our lives. But there is a reason for all He does. I will wait for that to be revealed. But he could have, He chose not to. I accept God's will.

Dear Jesus Book Says: Trust in Me with all your heart and mind, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your path straight.

The prayer: Trusting you with all my heart has been my goal for years. My mind is ravenous for understanding. I want to trust You wholeheartedly, but I feel stuck.

God's Word...Your desire to trust Me wholeheartedly is pleasing to me. I m providing training through your life expreriences. Allow Me to do this supernatural work in your heart. Recognize that many of the difficulties in your life are designed to help in this endeavor.

I want you to trust Me with all your heart and all your mind. The Holy Spirit will help you thing trusting thoughts. Instead of relying on your own understanding to help you feel in control, as My Spirit to control your mind. Then, wait confidently to see results. As you look to Me, trusting Me and talking with Me, I straighten out the path before you.

God's Word to me....Trust me. Now that you know that this is all my will and in my control, trust me. Don't try to figure things out. Just trust me.

And then Lastly...Jesus Calling: As you get out of Bed in the Morning, be aware of My Presence with you. Your early morning thoughts tend to be anxious ones until you get connected with me. Invite Me into your thoughts by whispering my name.

I am with you--you face nothing alone. You and I together can handle anything. It is this YOU AND I TOGETHER factor that gives you confidence to face the day cheerfully.

God's word to me: Live in my presence. You have accepted my will, you are learning to trust me...now live in my presence.

See how he tied all those together for me? I don't know. It may just be for me and know one else understands. But I feel a peace.

I went to the cemetery today and talked with John. Told him all I have learned. Told him God's neat revelation and truth to me. Maybe...if he can hear me...he will see that I am growing in the Spirit and know that indeed "all things work for the good of those who love the Lord."

By the way...thank you to the sweet person that put the sticker on the little bench that says, "Jesus Loves John". I was moved. Someone, besides family, loves him and has not forgotten himn. Thank you, thank you.

I love this day.......I love the Lord....Join me in thanking Him for revealing His truth to me....
Saundra

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Well, this has been a hard week. As I look back I know the Lord has helped me.

Isaac had his toe operated on...just an ingrown toenail. But, he couldn't go to white water...so he was stuck at home all week. Made him very miserable. So we haven't gotten along at all.

Matthew and I had a financial argument last night. Ended up alright..but nonetheless, it kind of took the wind out my sails...which were doing pretty well!

It really gets me down and out when I argue with any of the kids. It just really saddens me. So, I try..at all costs usually, to keep from arguing with them. But, when I do...it puts me in a very sad mood for a while until I can pray my way out of it.

Hannah and I haven't been getting along. I want her to spend more time with us. Isaac and Rachel especially have been wanting her to spend some time with them. But, she is the social butterfly...she wants to be with her friends. So we go round and round bout that.

I don't know. It just seems like we are so miserable and uptight...all of us. We just jump at each other's throats lately. I try to keep in calm and quiet...but it seems things are pretty miserable.

Our home just seems unhappy right now. For all of us. It seems that the kids all only think of themselves. I know this is typical. But it is so bad here. They don't care what the other feels. It breaks my heart!

Matthew was looking so forward to a camping trip last night and today...and everyone that said they were going changed their mind. It made him very sad. So...there I am sad also.

One thing I have learned is that I want the kids happy at any cost. I know I can't do that. That it really isn't my responsibility...or is it? Each one is on my mind...whether at home or away from me. I worry if everything is going okay for them. If not, what do I need to do to make them happy?

I can't say no to them. I can't. I try...I can't. Sometimes I am so weary I can hardly take another step...but I keep going.....Yesterday was White water from 11-4. Then home....then to Bueno...then to Frontier City. I could hardly move. But...Isaac couldn't go to white water with us..so I felt like I had to make it up to him by going to Frontier City.

I tell myself that I am tired of trying to make everyone happy...but then I just have to do it again.

I cried so hard last Thursday evening. The kids wanted to go to Frontier City for the first time this summer (yes we went Th and Friday!!!) so I told them we would go. I was so tired. But more than anything I was sick to my stomach as I thought...I am taking them by myself!!!! I will be sitting by myself!!!! ( I can't do rides!) I became so overwhelmingly sick and lonely.

But....I went. We went. It was very lonely for me. My sister, Chris, from Illinois called when I was there...I cried when she asked me what I was doing and I told her. She said she wanted to be down here with me. I explained that when I thought of anyone who I wanted to ask to go with me...they either had a family....so couldn't afford it....single...couldn't afford it...or wouldn't be able to bear the heat... had a family and had to be with them. There was just no one. I AM ALONE! I have determined that basically I AM ALONE!!!! My kids have their friends, my friends have their families (that I can't ask to leave just to be with me), Jay and Marilyn have each other, Dawn has her family and responsibilities......I AM ALONE.

I thought alot this week that I would just give up. Not on life...but on living. I am really not living anyway. I just get through one day...to face another. Take care of the kids...make sure they are alright...and go on. I am not happy....don't know if I ever will be. There is always a longing, a void, a dark corner.......I don't think I care about myself anymore. I have noticed that make up is less and less. Get up....go for a ride on my bike, come home...meet the needs of the kids. That is it for me. That is all I do.

In my devotions...over and over and over again....they tell me to keep my focus on God. I have tried this week...but I always fall short. Today...I am trying...but I can't seem to climb that mountain to meet him.

Bless Marilyn's heart. I called her to see if they were making their usual Saturday run to Sam's. They were not. When she found out I needed to go she said she could find a reason. Sweet as she is....I know the reason...she didn't want me to go alone. It breaks my heart that she is trying so hard to meet my needs...when she has so many of her own. See, I can't and don't want to be a burden to anyone....

I do want to thank Mariann Schmidt and Kelly Stout. Friday we went to White Water...I have always sat alone...alll day. Well yesterday (Friday) they saw me walking alone and Kelly called me over. I ended sitting by them. I have to say it was one of the best days I have had there. The other best day was when Dawn, Allison and Emma came with me and Rach. But it is so lonely for me there...but again....the kids love it there....so there I am.

Well, better get to Sam's. The kids have plans for us tonight. I will have to be ready to go for that.

Pray for me....

June 23, 2010 ,Wednesday

It's been kind of quiet here this week. Seems that everyone has their own thing to do. Except me. I feel lonely. Feel like I am wearing Marilyn and Jay down going to their house all the time. Don't have anywhere else to go....

Hannah went to Basketball camp this week...Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She just got home today. Pretty much was "hello" and "good bye". She is a social butterfly. I wouldn't want it any other way though. She is happy.

Isaac will just not go anyway unless it is with me or gramps. I don't understand it. He had toe surgery on Monday...so that added to his staying at home. He loves white water...but can't do that right now and actually for several more days. He is pretty grumpy at times. He has had friends ask him to do things....and I am grateful to them for trying, but he just won't do it. He doesn't even want to golf like he used to.

Rachel and I were on our way to Target on Tuesday. We were almost to the cemetery so I just asked her kind of flippantly, "Do you want to stop and see daddy's new memorial stone and the bench we put there?" She said she did. So, we went. I told her as we got out that it was okay to cry. We held hands and walked to the place. She was in a full blown cry when we got there, and I started soon after. We walked around it and she read it. And just cried and cried. We hugged each other and talked about how much we missed him...but it was going to be alright.

Then I told her that I had started something that the Jews do and that is whenever they go to the cemetery to see someone they lay a pebble on their memorial stone. It is to let other people know that the person is not forgotten. That someone is still thinking of them. So I told her I was doing the same thing. So we looked around and found a pebble and placed it on the base of the memorial.

After talking to her this morning we decided that we would go get some of those decorative pebbles that they use in vases. So I have to go get some.

We left and went onto Target. We sat in the parking lot and talked for a while and waiting for our tears to dry and our eyes to clear up some.

I don't know if she was really ready. But I didn't have to persuade her, so I feel like she may have thought she was ready. Though she cried I think she did well. But, my heart broke for her.

Then last night as I was reading facebook I see that Matthew posted "I miss the way things used to be". I am telling you...my stomach did a flip and I was so sick to my stomach.

I have decided that when I know one of the kids are hurting...it makes me sicker than if it were myself. And i was sick. I was sick until he got home from work and I asked him if he was alright. He hugged me for a long time and told me that he was okay. Then went into to go to bed, came out and kissed my forhead, told me he loved me...and went into bed. I know he is hurting. But, I have learned with Matthew that he likes and wants to work it out himself.

Well, I just wanted to let you know how the week was going. Keep praying for us.

Love,
Saundra

Father's Day...June 20, 2010

Well this has been an interesting week or two. Honestly, I can't remember when i was on here last.

Many things have happened. All answers to prayers. I want to share with you what has happened in our home the last few days.

I am becoming closer and closer to God. I am understanding His word more and more. I am able to apply so much of it to my life.

For instance; I don't like telling you one day that things are good, then the next I am down. I am afraid that you will doubt my faith. I, too, have doubted my faith. But when i was reading my Bible the other day, I was reading about Elijah, when all the prophets were going to be killed. Elijah thought he was the only one left. He said to God, "I am finished! I am done!!!" He was hurting, scared and afraid. God told him to go sit under and tree to be fed. So, Elijah went and sat down and the Lord fed him. When he had enough strength, the Lord told him to go to a cave. And when he did there were many more prophets there.

Now, I am no theologist...but what spoke to me about that was that Elijah ...ELIJAH...a PROPHET OF GOD, GOD' PROPHET...was even afraid. Wanted to give up. Was broken. And then, God revealed himself to Elijah.

Well, I am going to have good days....but it is okay for me to have the bad days too. And it is those bad days that the Lord will strengthen me, and help me to know where to go, where I am safe...and to make sure I know that I am not alone....in any way.

We prayed for Matthew a car. Well he got one. I am not sure the precious person that gave it to him wants their name known...so I will not take it upon myself to reveal that. But, I know that God worked a miracle. Matthew knows it...each of the kids know it. This angel allowed God to use them in a mighty way. What a blessing they are. I pray that God bless them mightily. We have been blessed. Matthew is so happy. And I am happy to get my explorer back!!!!

Isaac is making great strides...I feel. He is trying to make better choices and be more compliant to me. He still misses his daddy...and I am still praying for a "buddy".

We received a gift from a "LifeShare Donor Recipient". The moment I saw the package I could have cried. Matthew stood by me as I opened it. It was a pencil sketch/drawing of one of my most favorite pictures of John. This man that had drawn it had received a heart transplant back in the 90's. He vowed that he would never forget his Donor Family. And that he would celebrate each life that was a donor by sketching/drawing a picture of the Donor. John. I cried and cried. It was/is beautiful. Just beautiful.

I never imagined that today would be as hard as it was. We had decided, as a family (Griffis' and Williams' family as well), we would not celebrate Father's Day. Jay just refused. He did not want to. I did not want to. It was just too hard. BUT, it was Jay's birthday so we decided that we would celebrate his birthday.

I awoke with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It as awful. I text a friend for help. I felt like I was slipping into a pit of despair. (Kind of like Elijah I thought). I had my devotions, and they just didn't seem to reach me. I was so sad. Went to church, and it just killed me to see the pain in the kids eyes. We talked a little on the way to church...I explained to them that we didn't have to be sad, that we could celebrate the good times, the fun times that we had with John. But I got no response. The sadness was overwhelming.

Church was agonizing....sunday school was agonizing. Though the prayer, the wonderful prayer that Danny gave up to Heaven for the families without was wonderful. It seemed everyone was so aware of my pain, my loss, the kids etc.

I walked home sobbing. I just couldn't stand it. But I just kept hearing a voice that was saying to keep going...don't give up. I kept praying.."Father to the fatherless, defender of widows..." over and over.

We did have dinner and celebrated Jay. But underneath I could tell we all wanted to cry. All of us.

The day is almost over. I am ready for it to be.

I visited John's place today. I wish you all would go visit. The memorial stone is there. It is beautiful. A beautiful place to visit.

I hope you will go by and see the memorial stone.

Keep praying for all of us. When we have days like this....it makes me remember how much I need prayers...how much my kids need prayers....that we are still in the desert.

Love,
Saundra

Monday June 13. 2010

Rain, Rain. It's beautiful to me. Another showing of God's Power.

Things are going good here. It was a hard week last week as I stated last. But this week is looking up.

Matthew is doing good. Spent the weekend with Jonathon and friends in Texas playing golf. It was a great time for him. A good time for him to get away from "it all". You know, I know things come to my mind often when I am out doing something that John and I used to do. I wonder...How many times did Matthew wish his daddy was there? I only hope that he got past those thoughts and dwelt on where,what and who he was with. He did have a great time. I wish I knew more about golf. You would think I would! But he came home gushing with stories about the course he played. I tried to understand...acted like I did. I hope he knew I cared. I know I cannot input as John did.

Hannah is doing okay. I feel like she is doing a lot of thinking about the Lord, her life...and now her future for college. She is concerned about money to go...I know that. I would love for her to go to SNU...but she knows it would be cheaper somewhere else. So, she is even thinking that way. It surprised me that she brought it up Saturday. So, I know she is starting to think like that. I just tell her that we will walk through every door that the Lord opens for us...we just have to keep ourselves aware.

Isaac...Isaac. What God is doing in his life is amazing. He still has his "Isaac" moments...but he is changing. I told you he got ride of some music I didn't approve of. And that next morning when Matthew and I went in to wake him...there he lay...with his Bible open.....sound to sleep. He had fallen asleep reading his Bible. Something I hadn't seen since I can remember. He seems more amicable. Eager to please and do what is right. God is working. He still doesn't have that "Pal" that I am continually praying for...but God is working....that is all I need to know.

Rachel is doing good. I know she thinks of John often. But, she also keeps herself busy with her friends. She is either at their house or they are here. But she seems happy. I know she is wiser in the things of the Lord than most her age...just because of the faith that she has had to have...the prayers she has seen answered....the "God" talk she has heard. She knows. She is wise. I just pray that God uses all this for His Glory.

I had a great devotional time the other morning. I have been waiting to share it with you ...but I wanted time to be able to sit and type it. With all the rain, the kids still in bed this seems to be the time.

I have been memorizing John Wesley's Covenant Prayer. Because I want God's Will in my life. That is all I desire. It is hard to say some of the things in the Covenant prayer. For instance....Put me to doing, Put me to SUFFERING!!! It was hard for me to say that for a while. I felt like I had suffered enough. For me to say that would give him my permission to have me suffer more...(like he needs my permission!!!!!). Anyway, one morning as I was saying it, I came to that word again...I thought....and finally I thought..."Yes, Lord....suffering...whatever for your sake, for your name....if I had to do it again....yes Lord...Put me to suffering".

But, as the Lord's Prayer changed my life as I read it.....so is the Covenant Prayer. I am beginning to give my life to the Lord everyday...in a different way...whatever Lord.

On June 13....my eyes were opened...in God Calling it read: (and so I wouldn't have to type it all I am typing you only the things I highlighted that I felt God was speaking to me)

You have entered now upon a mountain climb. Steep steps lead upward, but your power to help others will be truly marvelous. All towards whom you now send loving, pitying thoughts will be helped upward by you. looking to Me all your thoughts are God-inspired. Act on them and you will be led on. They are not your own impulses but the movement of My Spirit and obeyed, will bring the answer to your prayers. Love and Trust. Let no unkind thoughts of any dwell in your hears.

And then...on the same morning....this in Jesus Calling:

I am creating something new in you: a bubbling spring of Joy that spills over into others' lives. Watch and delight as My Spirit flows through you to bless others. Let yourself become a reservoir of the Spirit's fruit.

Your part is to live close to Me, open to all that I am doing in you. Don't try to control the streaming of My Spirit through you. Just keep focusing on Me as we walk through this day together. Enjoy My Presence, which permeates you with LOVE, JOY, AND PEACE.

I got so excited when I read this. What does He have in store as He bends My Will towards His Will. I just pray that He use me.

I do know one thing. Joy.....my job is to be filled with Joy. He wants it to flow from me to others...to change others lives.

Use me Lord....Fill me...Use me....all to Your Glory.

Pray for me as I feel I am entering into a new stage of my grief, of my life. Pray for my children...that GOd will fill the gap/hole that has been left behind. Bend their will toward His. Bless them with His Salvation. Use them Lord.

Pray for our finances....Matthew needs a car..pray for God to work in that area...whether it be through us...our own doing ...or using His people. Or none at all...whatever he chooses....

I want Your Will Lord.

Saundra

June 10, Thursday

This week has been a difficult week. But, God has certainly carried I and the kids through it.

It has been a lonely week for me. The kids, involved with Basketball camps, and vbs, and Matthew at work, left me alone every morning. I realized how alone I was. Being alone....meant my mind wondering...to the past...which led me to sadness. Had to get over that hurdle. A hurdle it was. It took me several day, a lot of Bible reading, a lot of praying. I learned a lot these last few days.

Then Matthew came to me Sunday morning and showed me that he had quite a lump on the right side of his chest. It was pretty evident when i looked at it. So, we showed it to Marilyn Sunday at noon and she suggested seeing Dr. Brown. We made an appointment and went to see him Tuesday morning. He gave us several things it could be and sent Matthew out to the Oklahoma Breast Care center for an ultra sound.
His appointment was Tuesday with Dr. Brown, his appointment at the clinic on Thursday. I had to ask the Lord for patience. And I began praying for Matthew.

It was funny that Wednesday morning when I got up for devotions, turned my music on and there was a song about faith. Not only that...all my Bible reading was about Faith....and my devotions were about Faith! I knew then that God was asking me to have more faith. My faith needed to grow. So my prayer began that God would increase my faith. It is just so hard when it involves your child...as you already know! But, it made me pray all the more for faith and for Matthew.

We went in this morning for his ultra sound. When he went in he came back out and said they had done a mammogram. I (we) didn't even know they were going to do one of those, so that threw me! They did see something on the mammogram so they took him back for an ultra sound.

Praise the Lord....he has what they call gynecomastia. They gave me a paper on it...and this is what it says:

Gynecomastia often occurs at puberty. Gynecomastia may result when the hormones begin to fluctuate between the ages of 11 and 17. ...(it also says that there is an adult gynecomastia....The enlargement may start in one breast and then include the other Bilateral is usually the symptom of a hormonal imbalance, medications or underlying disease but is not related to cancer of the breast.

There is a lot more to be said about it...but I just needed to hear that it wasn't related to cancer. Dr. Brown had mentioned that it could be the medications he is on for depression. So, when I read this and remembered what Dr. Brown had said I was immediately calmed. They will send the results to Dr. Brown and he will decide what to do next. Usually they dissolve on their own, but it could take up to or more than 2 years. If they are too big, or uncomfortable, they can be removed. Medications may need to be changed also. So, we will see what Dr. Brown suggests for Matthew. But, I am praising the Lord that that is all it is.

Isaac has been listening to less than desirable music. Has been for a while. I have, as you know, been praying especially for him. In need of a friend....bending of his will to the Lord's etc. Well, we were out alone together and I talked to him about his music. Course he declared all the reasons that it was okay. Then I said, "What if Jesus...." He interrupted me and said (with a smile), "Oh, I hate this question". When I asked if Jesus was there would he give him his earphones and let him listen. He smiled and then told me that Yes he would. Then we both laughed...like yea, whatever.

I went out to Lincoln to take Matthew dinner and his meds. On my way, Isaac called and said, "Mommy, I deleted all those songs off that are not good songs." I was so happy! What an answer to prayer. I didn't have to fight him, I didn't have to argue my point. I believe God spoke to a very tender heart.

This morning when I went in to wake him for vbs, I almost cried. There, laying beside him on his bed...was his open Bible. He had been reading it before he fell asleep last night. I was so happy. I believe God is doing something so incredible that we will be surprised. Though we shouldn't be because God is faithful. But it will be fun to stand back, keep praying...and watch what God will do!

We had been having trouble with Hannah's truck since last week. Jay, bless his heart, had tried everything he knew what to do. He called Eric Lang from Christian Brothers and he said to take it in. We did on Monday. I got a call on Tuesday and it had been fixed. And...they did it all free. I want to thank them on here and anytime I get a chance. For allowing God to use their business for his glory. You know they advertise on their company car that they are doing it for God's Glory. It is nice to know that there are some businesses that stand up to what they say. I do want to give them thanks, but I also want to thank the Lord for using His faithful followers, and calling on them to help me.

So, it has been an incredible week. Both lonely and sad, but happy and grateful. To the people who are sensitive to the Lords spirit and voice and to the Lord, for taking care of me just as he promises he will do.

My prayer would remain for Isaac. Pray that God bring him a friend that would be available to him. That have the same things in common and enjoy being with Isaac.

Pray for Matthew a car. He is driving the Explorer for most of the time because it is much safer for him to drive it to work than the Saturn. But, at the same time I am not too sure about me to drive it either! So, the cheaper thing to do would be to get an older car, but reliable for him to drive. So, pray that somehow, some way, through Christ, it will work out.

Pray for each of my kids to experience God. I pray that they will be blessed with His salvation.

Bless each of you that read this and pray for us. I am praying for you also. It is the prayers of His people that have put me where I am today. Thank you.

Love,
Saundra

June 7, 2010 Monday

This has not been a good morning. Hope my day gets better.

I have had good days and bad lately. The ww passes and the tickets to the Redhawks game have helped a lot to make my days better. I don't have so much time to think. Plus, it puts some normalcy back into our lives.

Yesterdays sermon was great...as it has been the past several Sundays. I have to ask myself...what bread does the Lord have for me today? I actually had my own perspective on that line. Mine was that he will give me just the strength I need for today. Just the help I need for today. Just the "manna" I will need for today....and tomorrow will bring another day. But pastors sermon was a big help to me also. That He gives me what I need, not necessarily what I want. And it is hard to face the fact that sometimes what we want isn't always what is best for us. But, thank the Lord, He does know what is best.

Yesterday was lonely. Matthew was in his room with a bud all day. Hannah was gone. Rach is at Basketball camp until Wednesday...and Isaac was in his room. It seemed very lonely. I had to run to target. As I was heading there I came to the cemetery. I didn't even expect it, but I turned....quickly...and decided to go in. I went and sat by John's place for a while. Just cried, apologized for pain I ever caused him. Told him how much I missed him. How much the kids missed him. Then just sat quietly. A bird came and landed close by. I thought...you know, God is so wonderful to make such a beautiful bird. And it was as if the Lord said, "And your life will be beautiful again." There is a hope in Christ.

Course, I noticed that there was still no grass so I searched in the car and thankfully, it was a messy and I found an old Sonic cup. I made trip after trip and watered the ground. Hopefully it helped some.

Today is even lonelier than yesterday. Matthew is at work. Hannah is at Basketball camp at SNU. Rach is still gone. Isaac is at VBS. Thanks to Glenn Adams he is working VBS. He needed to get out. I am so thrilled for him. But it is lonely here. Normally John and I would be working on a project, riding bikes, etc. Which is why I set here now in tears.

We have been having nothing but trouble w Hannahs little truck. It won't stay charged. Plus, the saturn is on its last leg. We are checking the mileage on the explorer. Jay and I took Hannah's truck into the Eric Long's shop this morning. Trying to decide if I should trade the Saturn in and get something cheap for Matthew. All this just loading me down. Burdening me. I strive to put it in his hands...but always take it back. Pray for me.

Then this morning...in spite of my sadness, in spite of all going around and around in my mind, and boggling it...I decided to go on a bike ride. Headed down 39th exp toward Lake O and got a flat just as I turned down the lakeside drive....I just cried for a minute, looked to see if I thought I could change it, decided I couldn't. Cried some more...then called Jay. He picked me up, we put it in his van and I could hold it no more. I know he is hurting too, but I fell apart in his arms. Why? Why?

My bread....My bread...He knows what is best. That keeps going thru my mind. I am not instantly healed of my pain, my tears. But I have a hope. I sit and cry. I hurt. I hurt badly today. I miss John badly today.

So much. There is so much racing through my mind. I feel like I am losing it. I am losing focus. I am losing my hope.......

Pray for me. Pray for me. Pray that I will find peace, hope and strength to carry on. That these problems, which I know are really tiny compared to so many other things......pray that I will have victory.

Pray for Isaac to have a buddy, not a friend, a buddy come into his life so the void will be filled. So, he will want to do things with him, have time for him and teach Isaac.

Pray for the truck. That it won't be anything serious. Pray for direction with the saturn. Pray that God will reveal his will for me....I know he has one...even for what to do in this instance. Help me to shut out the voice around me and listen for My Fathers.

Pray...pray for the kids to be blessed by His Salvation. Pray for all of us.

Saundra

Friday, June 4, 2010

It has been a little while since I have been on here. Since getting the ww passes I have been gone everyday....and now sunburned. But the kids are having so much fun! I didn't know they would enjoy it half as much as they have. It has done me good to see that.

Tuesday we spent the whole day at ww. Then, when we got home, we found a surprise in the mail and we were able to go to a Redhawks game that night! We loved that so much. Thank you so much to the sweet angel that did sent that. There was hardly anyone there. It was like having the whole place to ourselves. A tradition we used to have when we went to the Redhawks game was at the seventh inning stretch we would get the kids Dipin' Dots. A little expensive if you ask me, but it is a special treat for them....that is all they are allowed and they know that. So it works out really well. We usually sneak bottles of water in so we don't have to pay for the costly drinks!!!! Though I was surprised. It had been a while since we had been there...for some reason I was thinking that General admission was $6, it was really $10! Probably a little more than I would like to pay for a night out...but we were there....go for it! I am glad that I did. They talked about wanting to go back.

Today...when we got home from ww, Isaac got to the door first....and there were some Redhawks tickets! He was so excited!!!! Then we were all excited. We don't know who you are that brought them, but I/we really appreciate it! I don't think it is just me that want to fill our days and evenings with busy-ness....I think they do also.

Tonight, I took Isaac, Rachel and Hannah (Matthew was working) and as we got in the car I said..."Guys, we are just going to have fun tonight!" And we did! We went to the Red Robin to eat. Partially for me, but also for them. That was where John and I enjoyed going. It was hard...but I knew that it was a healing time for me. They loved it!

Then we went to the mall. Walked around, dreamed, laughed, even played! We just enjoyed one anothers' company. What a blessing.

The hard part, and I noticed Isaac seeing it at one point....were the signs that mentioned Father's day. I saw him look directly at one at least once. And he quickly averted his eyes. My heart went out to him. I could see the pain, I felt the pain. I did. I have been feeling it. I know we need to celebrate Jay as a Father. I mentioned to Dawn about leaving town. I know we did that for John's birthday on May 7 and it just seemed to make it so much easier. So I told her that maybe we could all go to Tulsa and spend the evening. The next day the guys could play golf, the girls swim at the hotel. I know she has been so busy to even think about that. So, I think I am just going to make plans to do it myself with the kids. I think it would be best. It was hard enough on all of us on Mother's day. I don't think I can bear that again. It is just too soon. Call me a chicken, call me faithless....I call it surviving.

What we have decided on the explorer is that I am going to fill it up and keep track of the mileage and see exactly what it is making in mpg. That was David's idea. I know God placed David where he has...so I can rely on him for decisions that I can't make alone and that John would usually make. So, I pray. I pray for David and I pray for me...that together we will do what is best for our family. When he mentioned that it was as if a load was lifted. I guess it had become such a burden trying to decide what to do that it was a relief to just do it this way and really see what the mpg is...and then make a decision.

We still need to get rid of the lil' ol' Saturn and get Matthew a car. I think it is on its last leg and I want to get rid of it before we are without a car for him. I can't imagine what that would be like. I know it would very well drive me crazy!

My prayer requests are:
Pray for my plans for Father's Day to go well and easy. That things will work out.

Pray for the Father..to be a Father to my children...filling that void that is there....filling their need for a Father....Holding them as their daddy did. Pray for each of them.

Pray for the car situation to just fall into place. It can happen you know. I believe in miracles..I have seen them. So, pray that David, Jeff and I have wisdom from God to do whatever it is that he sees fit.

Our home has is slowly becoming the loving, Christlike home that I have been praying for. Continue to pray that the kids will be blessed by God's Salvation. That Christ would so fill our home that guests will feel His spirit when they enter.

One more prayer...my psychiatrist said that I need to spend more time with MY friends instead of constantly worrying about the kids being happy, meeting their needs, being away from them etc. He said I am almost to burn out or break down. But it is hard to be away from them. I haven't shared this with only my sister..today..but whenever I hear a siren I immediately get my phone and call each of the kids that are gone to be sure they are alright. It just seems I can't relax unless we are together, or I know that they are all happy and safe.

So pray that that will come to me. Peace. And that I will determine to be with my friends again. That I will make and find the time to be with my friends again. It is just so hard to leave my kids. I want to be with them...to guide their every move, every action...everything about them....I need to be there for them.

Thanks again for the gifts, the blessings, the prayers, and each and every thought. I appreciate them more than I can even say.

In Christ's Love,
Saundra

June 1, 2010

Yesterday was another one of those hard days. I text my sister, Chris, in Illinois and told her I felt like I was drowning in grief. Overflowing. I just didn't know if I could even make it through the day.

Marilyn and Jay had taken a shepherds hook and a hanging basket out to John's place on Saturday. The hanging basket, which was beautiful, turned out to be too heavy for the hook. So yesterday, (Monday) Marilyn and I decided to go out and look for some silk flowers arrangements, already in a basket to hang there. We went to one store first...no luck...we ended up at Hobby Lobby.

Still we found no pre-made basket arrangements. So we decided to (actually Marilyn would do it...she is good at it) make our own. As we were picking out flowers, the "tear" that I had felt since the morning finally burst. I just leaned on the cart, bowed my head and cried, "I can't believe I am doing this! I can't believe I am buying flowers to take to his place at the cemetery!" I sobbed and Marilyn sobbed right along beside me.

Can you believe it? Can you? John is gone......

Mark and Dawn had planned a family cookout at their house. I am trying to maintain a normalcy at my house so even though it was the last place I wanted to be (it wasn't the family...I love being with them...and they would understand my quietness, sadness) but there would be other people there that I felt wouldn't understand. Other than family, most people forget that the pain still lingers.....

So, I grabbed the kids and went over. I went into Jay and Marilyn's house first. Jay took the kids and went over to Dawns. But I couldn't bring myself without Marilyn. She knew my pain. I told her I just didn't feel like socializing. We both agreed that we felt like we were putting a damper on the cookout. But we went over. I hadn't eaten all day. And still was not hungry, but knew I had to.

It was so hard to be there...with everyone laughing....having fun...I tried. I really tried. I hope no one noticed how awful I felt. How I missed my love.

I actually ended up staying longer than I intended. I already felt like I was a damper...so I didn't want to seem anxious to leave. Finally I did.

When I got home...I just needed to be out. So I asked Isaac if he wanted to go on a bike ride. He didn't, but he has told me that he doesn't want me to go alone. Little does he know that sometimes I would love to go alone...so I could stop and just be alone....with God. But he/we went. Rode 10 miles. I do think a lot while I am riding. And I thought a lot last night. Trying to put things in perspective. I have nothing but christian music on my ipod, so I was allowing God to speak through the music also. (by the way....I want more christian music on my ipod...if you know how to do that I would appreciate some help.....I have heard that if I get back on the computer I will delete everything on there!!!).

When we got home my disposition had changed. God had come. He had comforted me. He had helped me.

I have just finished reading Cyndi Curry's book, "Keeping The Kids Afloat..." It has helped me quite a bit. There are some things that she showed me in her book that I am going to integrate into our lives. Sometimes while reading the book, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Wow, it was so surreal sometimes.

I thought I would love summer being here....but I am not happy about it anymore. Most of the time...I can't wait for bedtime.

My prayer requests are:

For the children. Isaac is especially hurting right now. In church Sunday morning he thought that they were going to show pictures of people who had passed this year. He told me when we sat down, "Mommy, when they start that, I am going to leave." Of course I told him he could. But, then we just sat and cried. I held my arm around him and told him it was alright to cry. And we did, until church started. But I could tell he was on alert for the beginning of the service. He is a very lonely boy. He really has no friends. His friend was John. He didn't need anyone else. I believe he has turned that need for John's friendship onto Matthew. Matthew is trying so hard...but he has his friends, his work. Matthew went camping Sunday with friends. He wanted to go so much, but there were just too many going. I know it hurt him..he mentioned it to me. Cyndi, in her book, said that she hired someone to play with one of her sons. Someone that had the same interests. I am willing to do the same. He loves, LOVES golf. He wants to see the Redhawks play, the rangers play.....he loves playing baseball, basketball. He loves sports. IF you are out there, reading this and are interested...let me know. I have to tell you...he does not warm up to people easily. He never had to learn those skills...he was always with John. Pray for him. Cyndi had a great prayer....that "God would be a Father to the fatherless." Pray that for my sweet Isaac. Please.

Matthew is doing great. He has come a long way. He came and sat on my lap Sunday morning as I was having devotions. We talked a little, cried a little. He told me that he was worried for me and the kids. I told him that he need not worry about me, but that we needed to help the little ones. He agreed. And I know he is trying. But I am afraid of putting too much on him. He is not responsible. He can share in it, but I don't want him to think he is totally responsible. Cyndi advises against telling the oldest that they are the man of the house now. I don't want Matthew to feel that burden. Pray for him.

Hannah still hasn't a job. Pray for her. Her schedule is so busy with cross country and basketball camps. So I worry that whatever job she has will not allow her to attend these. But she really needs to. Especially since she is going to be a senior, plans to attend SNU, and needs every scholarship she can get. I found out yesterday that she plans to stay on campus. Unlike Matthew, which saved us a bunch of money. She is my social butterfly, so I guess I wasn't surprised. But I told her she needs to do all she can, and work hard to get those scholarships. Pray for her, a job, and for her to get the scholarships for college. It is never too early to ask!!!!

Rachel seems to be doing okay. But, I was made aware of some of her posts that she is posting on facebook. I don't get on there often so I didn't know. But the person that brought it to my attention said that she is trying to express her feelings. I am all for it. But, pray for her. She is so young. This is a big thing to process. She needs so much help...that only God can give.

Thanks again for all your prayers, thoughts and support. I really appreciate all of it.

In Jesus name,
Saundra