Saturday, July 31, 2010

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Please remember as you read this....this is my voice....this is getting things off my chest......just a way for you to know how to pray for me......(and I really need to talk right now...and have someone listen)

....Not a good day.

Got up and had devotions. Learned to say the word "Jesus" when I am afraid, worried, etc....Just speak His name and He will draw closer.

But it was hard to live it today....

Went for a bike ride. Good ride. I decided to go to cemetery before going home. I took my pebble and went and knelt in front of the memorial stone. Then it started. The tears that I had bottled up all week. It just seemed like everywhere I turned this week I was needed. I had no time for time to think, no time for anything. I just ran, ran, ran. Or worked out in the yard on things that really needed to be done..(so can't say it was fun!) It seemed like the kids...all of them were needy this week. I just felt overwhelmed.
So, I cried and told John all about it. Then, layed my pebble down and left the cemetery...but not my feeling of being overwhelmed. (by the those of you who leave pebbles when you visit.....I so much appreciate seeing them grow when I visit. It just gives me such joy to know he is not forgotten!) Thank you.

Got home and was told by my two oldest that the plans I had made for family time would not happen because they had made other plans. My heart broke. I was looking so forward to it.

Then, I have tried to place some restrictions on Isaac in playing his PS3. I found him up at 2:00 a.m. playing this morning. So I told him he couldn't play it today (Saturday). Well, when I thought he was sleeping in late, I found out he had been playing all along. So, I took his tv out of his room. Well, that started a major angry outburst.

He broke my heart when he said that I never did anything with him. That all I do is things with Rachel and Hannah. I try so hard to spend time with each of them. I try, I try, I try.

When he said that....everything crashed. I could not take it. I felt useless, helpless and of no value. I just wanted to run, run and not turn back.

I don't know...tonight I don't feel so good about myself as a mother....a caregiver. Anything right now.

Probably just a moment....probably will pass. But not feeling good right now. I miss John. His arms around me, telling me to go to bed...he will take care of everything. And knowing that in the morning...everything will be alright again. But, now, I know it won''t be. He is still gone...I am still on my own.

I told a friend the other day....being a single/widowed/mom is a very lonely existence. You just don't fit anywhere. Not really in your kids lives...they have their friends. Not in your friends lives anymore....I have been away from them so long...because I don't have time for a social life....or I am too afraid to leave my kids, that they have moved on to other people who meet that "friend" need. You don't fit into that "whole family" picture anymore....if you go to a gathering where the whole family is invited....I feel out of place. It's a couple's world for me....except I am no longer a couple.

So, where do I belong? No where. No where.....


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Thursday, July 28, 2010

I woke the other morning with such a yearning that I can't get over it. I am praying about it. I only know one answer....God. But it is hard looking.....and waiting.....and feeling.

I woke the other morning with such a need to feel John's arms around me. He and I would just stand and hug. Just stand and hold each other. And I longed for that again. I long for that again.

That hug that says, "I love you more than anything.", the hug that tells me I am important, that hug that makes me feel secure, that I matter. That tight, "I'm never going to let go hug."

I don't want it from another man...that isn't what I am saying. No, no....I am in no way wanting that. But I need that feeling.

I am praying, and I ask that you do the same.....I know there isn't a person on the earth that can make me feel that way right now...only God is able. Would you please pray that I have that feeling from Him. That I will feel God's Hug. Oh, I need a tight one. Please pray with me.


Saturday, July 24, 2010

Saturday, July 24, 2010

This weekend has brought tears, laughter, happiness, joy, confusion....just an array of feelings.

I had been wanting to see that movie Inception. Matthew had seen it and loved it. But, I didn't want to go by myself so I really didn't think I would go. But while with Dawn one evening this week we talked about the movie and she said that she wanted to go also. As we were parting, I briefly mentioned that if they went Friday night I would like to go along. (They usually would go out as a family on Friday night). Yeah I thought I would probably feel like the third wheel, but I really wanted to go...and not alone. I didn't think they would go, or if they did, I certainly didn't think that they would consider me....they have enough going on also.

But, sure enough, she called and asked! I had talked to Jay and Marilyn in that time and Jay said he had wanted to see it also. I thought it would be Dawns family and Jay and I. As it turned out it was Dawn, Mark, Jay and myself. I had a great time. I don't know if Jay really wanted to see it, or if he knew my thoughts of being a third wheel and helping me not to feel that. But we all had fun...even though the movie was very hard for us to understand.

I know the Lord put it all together. When I came home from our vacation I felt like I had a new breathe...a new lease on life. I am reading a book about being a single mom, and I am finding that just worrying about the kids is helping no one...not even them. I have praying for God to help me with this. I feel like God is moving me into the next step of my grieving process, my growing process in this journey I am on.

Then, something I absolutely loved to do before was work in the yard during the summer. But, we would usually do that together. But, I just hadn't been able to get motivated to go out there. To do it alone. But today, I started out by doing a little thing...just trimming bushes..but by the end of the day I had accomplished so much and had found that I had spent the majority of the day outside....and I absolutely enjoyed it...again! Thank you Jesus for giving me the joy again!!!

I just wanted to share this. It was a good day! Thank you Jesus!!


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Well, we are home. We left my parents home in Peoria Illinois about 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday. We drove 3 1/2 hours to St. Louis. It was a pretty quiet ride, the kids were all so tired. In fact, Matthew didn't drive that long until he was tired so I took over and drove the last 2 hours.

My mind wonders as I drive. Probably why I hate to drive. All I thought about was what John would have done in this or that that he would have acted. Then I would think of something funny that happened and I thought I can't wait to tell John.....only to remember that I couldn't tell him anything.

We went straight to our hotel and checked in, walked to the Arch. We were hoping we (they, because I am scared of heights) could go to the top...but it was too long of a wait. It would run into our cardinals game. But as I walked over there memories came real to me. I remembered the first time I was there. It was with John....and I was pregnant with Matthew. I shared with the kids how we went to the top. All the way up I held tight to his hand. When we got to the top....I was ready to go down. Course you have to wait. John was so sweet...he held me close in the middle of the little room (so I wouldn't feel like I was falling) and waited until we could go down. I laughed when I told the kids that I said then that I would never go up there again....and I have kept my promise to myself!

I remember standing at the top of the stairs and standing sideways...John took a picture of me like front of the arch. I remember what he was wearing as I looked at him and smiled. I remember he came up to me, kissed me tenderly and said, "You look beautiful". I have so many memories of that time...and pictures. A time I will never forget.

We went to the game and I was surprised at the seating we had. Having never reserved seats and a game before I had no idea what I was doing when I got these tickets. I knew we had good seat when Matthew, who was sitting down the row from me...with the younger kids in the middle of us.......text me and said, "You did good Momma". I was so happy.

We had a great time at the game. I sat next to Isaac. I just kept thinking how that should have been John there with him. See, Isaac had begged and begged John to go to a Cardinals game. We go by there every summer to see my mom and dad. John told him last summer, that if they were in town this summer when we went through either on the way to or from, that he would take him. Isaac asked me if they were, I checked, found out they were, and felt like I was responsible for that to Isaac.

As I sat at the game next to Isaac. I know that Isaac went there too....I wish.....He had so much fun. It was every father's dream to see his son enjoying the game as Isaac did...I wish......It was every mothers dream to see her son and husband enjoying the game together...I wish. It was a hard evening for me.

I never realized how much John did when getting ready for the trip/vacation. I was overwhelmed the night before. Everything turned out well...and I am sure the next time will be easier for me.

It is hard to look at the always everyone of them.

God is doing something in my life. He is opening my eyes to things that are not pleasing to my life and my kids life. Things that have to change for me, for our family, to bring Glory to His name, to be all that God requires of us. body likes them. I am fretting over the changes that I feel need to be made...mainly asking the kids to abide by my house rules. I worry about them accepting them. But I want a house filled with His spirit...I want us to be different than the world. We are not different. God is just revealing things to me.

This morning...I was praying about it...asking God to help me know what to to approach the kids...etc. I opened my devotional God Calling, and the first line of the devotion said this: Do what is required of you, let me take care of the outcome. So, there I have it! I have to do what He asks of me...not worry about what the kids will say or do, or how they will react. Not worry about other people and their opinions. I HAVE to do what He requires. He will take care of the rest. without doing is not faith at all. So I have to believe His word. So I prayed and asked God to reveal what all he wants of me, what he wants or needs me to change in my life and the life of my kids while they are in my care. I know he will reveal it to He as already started.

Pray with me. Pray that God will work all things for our good. That I will walk where and how he wants me to. To obey him in doing....and he will take care of the rest.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Well, today finds us in Peoria Illinois with my parents, my little sister and her twin boys, and my older sister and husband and son. We arrived early evening Friday. It was a long 6 hours from Branson. But we cut it up by stopping. Hannah got to drive for the last 1 hour. She loved that. I won't let her drive where heavy traffic is, and this part of the trip was very lonely on the she loved it.

Unfortunately, I have had little sleep since I have arrived here. On the way here Rachel complained of an ear ache. Friday night I was up most of the night, then around 3:00 I couldn't take it any more. So she and I made a trip, unknown to anyone else who was getting their beauty sleep, to the local Walgreens. I assumed that it was swimmers ear since that is pretty much all she did in Branson. So, I bought some swimmer's ear drops and some motrin. Came home, gave it to her, and since she was sleeping with me and still had little relieve, we tossed and turned most of the rest of the morning.

Saturday I kept putting the drops in her ear and giving her motrin. Last night it was the same thing....up all night. Then at breakfast, she wouldn't eat anything. She said she just didn't feel good and her ear hurt so bad. So my sister told me about a Med Quick place. Matthew and I took Rach there...unfortunately they are closed on Sundays.

My little sister Debbie works in a doctor's office, so she called one of her doctors and he prescribed amoxicillin and an ear drop. Well, all day today we have used the ear drops...and luckily we got 3 doses of the antibiotic in her. But, tonight we got ice cream and she couldn't even eat it...she said it hurt her ear...all the way through her jaw. So I called Marilyn and she said that she will probably have to see the dr before we leave. Since we plan to stop the night in St. Louis for a cardinals game....she needs to get some relief! I need some relief...especially when I think of the ride/drive home!

Everyone else is doing well though. It has been really relaxing here. We haven't done much...purposefully because I am exhausted. Maybe tomorrow.

Well, keep Rachel in your prayers. Keep me in your prayers. Keep us all in your prayers.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

July 14, 2010 Wednesday

Well, still in Branson. Yeah, I am having a great time. But, oh yes, there are times that I yearn for John to be here. Really it comes mostly when the kids are doing something special or great and I wish so much that he could be with enjoy it with them. I know they miss him. Though none of them have mentioned can they not. I wish I could take the pain away for them. My prayer every morning has been that they would not remember the negative, but would dwell on the positive. That they would be enjoying themselves so much that they could not think of the negative. But, I think that is almost impossible. I know I can be having the time of my life and suddenly there is that thought, that picture...that memory.

We took a family picture (part of the program at Dixie Stampede). As I looked at it, I said "Oh that is a nice family picture.....and then I said, (because Jason couldn't come) "There is just one thing missing...." then I caught myself...there were two things missing.......and it broke my heart.

I wonder....are the kids doing what I am doing? Yes, I am having a good time, but deep inside are they hurting....trying to cover the pain with laughter....trying to pretend it isn't there? I hope not. I want their happiness to deep......

Well, a few more days then we are off to Illinois to see my parents. Today the boys are golfing here at the resort. The girls are swimming...maybe a little shopping. I don't know.....they sure love to swim!!!!

Keep praying....

Monday, July 12, 2010

July 12, 2010 Thursday

It has been a good day. A little rough beginning. I think Matthew is really missing John. He seems deep in thought a lot. Not really talkative. Later in the day he opened up a little more.

Yes, I did the zipline. It was a lot more fun than I expected. I was terrified when we got up at the top...even more scared when I was in that seat ready to go. The girls took pictures and I told them to tag me on them. So if you have a facebook account, and have me as a friend you should be able to see our pictures from the trip.

We are having a great time. The kids are swimming now while I take a breather. I am worn out to say the least.

Thanks again for your prayers. We all know what prayer can do!!!


July 12, 2010 Monday

Well, we made it safefully to Branson. I mean that literally. While driving here...everyone was asleep, Matthew was driving and I suddenly heard Isaac yell, "Matthew, are you awake?" I woke up and asked what happened. He said, "Oh, I fell asleep for a minute." We immediately pulled over and he climbed into the back seat and slept while I drove and Isaac was the co-pilot. What was so amazing was later while discussing it with Isaac, he said that he was asleep and woke up abruptly, and just then was when Matthew swerved. Thank you for your prayers....I believe without a doubt that God woke Isaac and saved us.

Our place is beautiful. The kids are having a great time. I love to see them laugh. Matthew and gramps have many days of golf planned. mind is boggled with things to do!!! I told the kids...besides golfing and swimming they would each get to pick one special thing for all of us to do. Big decision!!!

Keep praying!


Saturday, July 10, 2010

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Well, one day until vacation. Thank you for your prayers. The Lord has strengthen me, and I was reminded this morning to FOCUS on Him. The devotional said that when negative thoughts come to me to right away turn my focus on Him and talk to Him about about them. I am trying to do that whenever a negative thought of the trip comes to my mind.

My sister-in-law from Colorado has been here for the last couple of days. It has been so refreshing to have she and her two girls here with me. She has blessed me in ways she will probably never know. We had a great time of sharing yesterday morning while everyone was still in bed. It was good for me to go back and relive some things that I haven't been able to. We cried together, praised God together and rejoiced. She and her girls have been a reprieve from my everyday life. It has been wonderful. (mmmm, wonder if God managed to have her come right at this time, as I struggle with this trip, to let me get a glimpse of what I will feel on this trip? Joy? Calmness? Reprieve? Refreshed?mmmmmm could it be?) I don't think it was a coincidence?

Answers to prayers...Oh My Word! God has been faithful. I wish you could see the bond that is building between Isaac and Matthew. God's hand is all over it! When Matthew isn't at work....they are together! In fact...when he is at work...Isaac has sometimes gone with him! Last night...all the girls were doing things together...and of course I start fretting over what I would do with Isaac. When I got home to get everyone together for dinner...Isaac and Matthew were gone. I text Matthew.....he had Isaac at HIS friends house and was going to get him dinner! Isaac's Pal that I have been praying for....for this right here...I am convinced...and it is Matthew. I don't believe it is just for Isaac either....I believe it is for Matthew also. He loves being the Big Brother...I can tell.

Hannah and Rachel are starting to do things together more often. Hannah is actually starting to ask Rach to do things. Then other evening....Hannah pulled me aside and told me that she wanted to give Rach a surprise facial and foot soak. So Hannah and I went and bought a few of the necessities for such and they spent most of the evening in their bedroom with each other. I loved it. I was going to join them, but I think I was checked by the Lord.....THEY needed this time together. Haven't I been praying for this? So, I told them that next time we would all do it together. They have been wanting to go get pedicures. But, don't we all know what those cost. So I have told them that we will all just do each others sometime and make an evening for it.

Yesterday was the Bethany School Foundation Annual Golf Tournament. Matthew, Isaac, Jason, and Jay played as a group. As much as Isaac loves golf, he did not want to go when it came time yesterday morning. I had to physically get him out of bed. After he and Matthew left, I sat and talked with God about it. I believe it was this....John, Isaac and Matthew have played in this every year since the boys could play. I think Isaac could not come to grips with playing without John. I believe it with all my heart. So, I felt badly about making him get up. I went out later and he was a happy little boy. He had made an eagle on a hole (that is a good thing). He and Matthew both seemed to be having fun. Later, their team won the tournament. I thought "this is a good year for it to happen". I mean, they usually did win....but it was good that they win without John. You know what I mean? I hope that didn't sound awful. But I think it would have been a sad day for them had they not won. So, they all came home feeling very good. As though....A WIN FOR JOHN.

Well, please pray for traveling mercies for us. I have been praying for God to place a hedge of His angels around us, protecting us from our own carelessness on the road as well as others. I pray for His joy, peace, and contentment. I have also, and ask that you, pray for our minds to not think of John not being with us, but just to focus on the fun that we will be having. I know that is going to be the hard part for all of us. That John isn't there. Kind of like the golf tournament. He will be missed. But I don't want, and I pray, that that will not be our (especially the kids) focus. Please pray that way.

Well, computer is going in case now...well maybe tonight....and if I can get wi-fi anywhere....I will let you in on our trip. Pray for us....I covet them....


Thursday, July 8, 2010

July 8, 2010....Thursday

Wow..thanks for your prayers and comments. I appreciate them...each and everyone.

Well, I was continuing to worry...which I have come to believe and see (from people who are not even tackling a task like mine....) that there are worries to every trip. Mine is just magnified because of all the circumstances.

But, God came in his sweet way this morning during my devotions and gave me a little saying for me to use during this time...during the trip. But I want to share the devotion with you. It is so rich. It comes from the devotional book..Dear Jesus by Sarah Young. It is written in prayer if I am praying the words...then God gives his reply. Sometimes it is right today.

This one is entitled...My Grace is sufficient for you, but it is sufficient for ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Dear Jesus,
I desperately need to learn how to live in the present moment. My mind so easily slips into the future, where worries abound. I ALSO spend way too much time analyzing the things in the PAST. Meanwhile, splendors of the present moment parade before me and I am too preoccupied to notice. My problem is to strive for self-sufficiency. Help me learn to rest in Your sufficiency, depending on You more and more.

BELOVED, you need My grace in order to live in the present.....Do you really believe My grace is sufficient for you? If so, then it makes sense to stop your anxious striving.

My grace is indeed sufficient for every situation you will EVER encounter. However, you must learn to receive My provisions by looking to Me continually.

Each day you face a number of situations requiring My help. Moment by moment, I proffer to you the needed assistance. Your part is to recognize your neediness and receive what I offer. My Presence is with you ALWAYS, providing everything you need. Don't worry about tomorrow's needs. My sufficiency is for one day at a time----TODAY!!!!!

..But He said to me, :My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

...Those who look to him are radiant....

....And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus....

....Therefore do no worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.....

WOW! I was moved. I was scolded. I have not dwelt on this! His Grace is sufficient.

Whenever God reveals something to me (and this is nothing new to me...I have heard this scripture since I can remember....but it means something more to me now) I like to try to think of a way to remember it throughout the apply it when I need it...or when I have a quiet moment to again reflect on it. So...I am remembering this today....

His Grace is sufficient....
His Grace...
On my face!!! (the scripture above Psalm 34:5..says "those that look to him are radiant") what a witness I
can be!

I wept as I was revealed this. Didn't have anyone to share it I came to you. I was so excited.

Continue to pray for me/us. I know we will have a good time. I am still somewhat afraid...but.....His Grace IS sufficient. He will provide as I need.

I am taking my computer and hope to post while I am away. Just to keep my faithful readers informed and to let you know of any prayer requests.

Don't forget to pray. I am coveting them on this trip....all the time!


Monday, July 5, 2010

Monday, July 5,2010

This weekend was a little hard. Not as hard as I expected. That is what they say though; worrying and waiting for 'that' day to come is worse than the 'day' itself. I think the time that was the hardest and saddest to me was when I was sitting at the parade and went back to the last we sat next to each other in our chairs and enjoyed the parade together. Then...I really missed him

Then yesterday (Sunday) I was cleaning up the home computer and was going through the pictures we have. I found pictures of John. The memories came flooding back. Then the tears came. I had my little moment of nostalgia and missing him.

Now....I am heading toward something for the first time again. And I am pleading for prayers. We will be heading to Branson this coming Sunday. I am scared. I will be honest. John was such the head of our home that he took care of all the little things that needed to be done...and the big. All I had to do was get packed. I didn't worry about gas, car problems, money, the route, the places we would go...nothing. There was such security in him. I just trusted him.

Now, my trust is in the Lord. But I can't help it, I am scared. I am scared that Matthew won't get the car top carrier on securely enough, I am afraid we may get lost, I am afraid of car goes on and on. I am keeping myself awake at night. I am sick to my stomach. I don't even know where to begin as I plan this trip. I feel lost.

I am trying to put up a brave and excited front for the kids... but it is hard. My mind wonders a lot.....
Please pray for me. Pray for God to give me a peace. The strength I need rests in Him.....I just need help believing it right now. My fear overwhelms my common sense and my heart. Please pray for me.

Pray for our safety, and protection. Pray for a good time. Just pray.


Saturday, July 3, 2010

Saturday July 3, 2010

I think this week has been the best week I have had yet. Thank you Jesus!!! When I decided that I was going to accept my circumstance as God's Will, and he was going to make me more like Him through it, my days changed. They seemed more relaxed, more fun. I didn't dwell on the negative circumstances in my life...but the good...and what God is doing.

Isaac and I went to Lincoln Golf Course and ate lunch with Matthew Thursday. Then that afternoon Isaac played 18 holes of golf while I drove the cart. We had so much fun. We laughed and talked and talked and laughed. And I remembered then, that John and I used to talk about how, if John didn't make a one on one time with Isaac every once in a while, Isaac would become angry, sullen and disobedient. John would then take him out and do something out of the ordinary with him...and guess what? He would be a great kid again. We just decided that he needed that one on one time just to regroup...or whatever it was. But we came to realize that John would have to do that.

So, I guess that lays on me now! Because he has been so fun since Thursday. Very respectful and very happy. He has been fun to be around.

Friday, the girls and I just hung out with each other. We went to Pink Swirls and then to a movie Friday night. We had a great time together.

While we were doing that Matthew and Isaac entertained about 9 of Matthew's friends at our house. When the girls and I got home at 10 or so...there they were in our living room. Having a great time! It was so fun to see them all see matthew enjoying himself...and allowing Isaac to share in the fun.

It was all a blessing to me. And as I lay my head down to sleep I thanked the Lord. I thank Him, that life is becoming a little more normal. I just have to keep my focus on matter the circumstances. He is working all things for our good.

On a sad note....a very sad note..we had to put Boo our 3 year old cat to sleep. She had some kind of allergy that would have to be treated all her life. I knew I just couldn't afford that. I cried because Isaac considered her "his" cat. He slept with her a lot and was the only one that had a way to make her stay and sleep on his lap. She would not do that with anyone but him. As of yet, he doesn't know. I am having such a hard time telling him. While he is doing so well. He thinks she is still at the vet for tests. It breaks my heart. So, I am looking for a kitten I can get him. I have to replace it. I can't have him having these losses. I can't. I don't know how he will deal with it. Please pray for him...and me.

Pray for the new day...the new life..Christ has given us. We are all being made over into his image...and it is an adventure.....