Friday, May 28, 2010

Well, it's been 3 days since school let out. I have kept myself busy. The first day off I was so lost. I didn't know what to do with myself...or my kids. They seemed to have kept themselves busy for that day.

The next day seemed a little harder. Isaac and started riding. It was really hard for me...again. It's funny that sometimes its okay and then others...I would just rather not go.

One thing that was funny...but sad and hard for me was my first bike wreck. Yea, first one of the summer...I am sure not my last. I fell over and have quite the strawberry on my knee. Isaac laughed and laughed. Glad I could bring laughter to his day.

But that made me remember the times I fell or crashed and John was there. He would quickly jump from his bike to help me, make sure I was alright, then he too would have a good laugh.

The girls had been wanting me to get out and unpack their summer clothes. I decided to do that the same day I crashed. I have their summer clothes in tubs, in fact, all of our clothes are in tubs...not marked. As I was going through the tubs I opened one and shockingly there were John's t-shirts. He had so many!!!! All Bethany, softball, baseball, basketball...etc. I was shocked to see them. Forgot they were there. Hannah and Rachel, I could see, was watching my response. I was pretty good. Just took a deep breath and dug them out and put them in a bag to send to Goodwill. Glad that was over. NOPE! Surprise.....several tubs later I open one and it is his sweatshirts. Again..all Bethany...so many. I said aloud, "Oh Lord, why are you doing this to me?" I started digging them out and bagging them. Then, at the bottom of the tub were a pair of swimming trunks, probably 20+ years old, Hawaiian looking, bright orange. He would wear these to school for mismatch day, clown day...whatever, whenever he had to be crazy at school. As I held them and sobbed, Hannah started giggling, and said, "He was so goofy." Then Rachel started giggling, and then I started crying and laughing at the same time. Hard time, but I am glad that they could laugh and remember him that way.

I have been able to keep myself fairly busy. I have cleaned out the back garage room, my closet, and the garage. I am running out of cleaning things!!!! Now, I am re potting plants and working on the yard. Not much to do there! That I know to do that is!!!

The kids are another story. It is only a few days and they are starting to get bored. Kind of whining and crying. They love to swim and have asked and asked that I get white water passes. I explained to them that I just couldn't pay that much.....course they don't understand that. It does sadden me when Hannah heads out to swim at a friends house, merrily, and unknowingly, hurting Rachel and Isaac. They would love to go. I told them that we would go to Ripper. But they said that it is boring there cuz there is nothing to do.

It does worry me that I won't be able to keep them busy. It seemed like it was so easy when John was here. He would keep the boys playing and having fun and I would keep the girls playing. Now that it is up to me....well, I am not that good at it!

I am worried about Isaac. Today around 11 he said, "I really want to swim...it is so hot." I told him I was sorry. He got up from he couch and went to his room. When I went in a little later he was laying in his bed watching t.v. It hurt my feelings. Gramps even asked if he wanted to play golf....nope he didn't want to. I asked if he wanted to go look around at the golf store..nope he didn't want to. I went back in later and he was sound to sleep and slept until 5.

What was really sad was when I told Rachel that he was sleeping, she said, "Yea, I am going to also. It makes our days go faster." It really hurt me. But I am hoping that if I have their friends over and visa versa that that will help fill their days.

Marilyn said the grass still hasn't grown over John's place. I don't know what to do. Someone mentioned some kind of grass stuff you can put down. I can't find it. I thought about sodding it. But don't know how. We now have a concrete bench there. I can't wait to sit there and talk with him and just be quiet before the Lord. We also put a shepherds hook there and hung a flower on it. I wish, so wish, that grass would grow there! I am planning to ask the kids Sunday night if they want go to the cemetery on Monday to visit. I don't know if they will want to or not. I really hate for them to see his place like this.

I think I have decided to sell the explorer and get a car for me, then sell the Saturn and with the money from that and hopefully money left from the explorer (after I buy a car for me) buy a little inexpensive car for Matthew. Nothing expensive. Midsize for me, and a little one for Matthew. He is really getting the gas hog thing. The saturn is starting to give up the ghost. I am almost afraid to drive it and certainly don't want Matthew to drive it to work. So we are trying to share the Explorer. Which is hard...and with him going so far to work...it is terribly expensive. So I am going to talk with David and others and get their opinion.

So, my prayer requests for today would be for me to keep busy myself, and for the kids to find things to entertain themselves.

That David, the others and myself would have wisdom to do what is best with the car situation. That God would direct our thoughts and decisions.

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. Thanks for reading. I know that it is hard to take time with the kids home, so I really appreciate it.

Love,
Saundra