Thursday, July 22, 2010

Well, we are home. We left my parents home in Peoria Illinois about 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday. We drove 3 1/2 hours to St. Louis. It was a pretty quiet ride, the kids were all so tired. In fact, Matthew didn't drive that long until he was tired so I took over and drove the last 2 hours.

My mind wonders as I drive. Probably why I hate to drive. All I thought about was what John would have done in this or that situation...in that place...how he would have acted. Then I would think of something funny that happened and I thought I can't wait to tell John.....only to remember that I couldn't tell him anything.

We went straight to our hotel and checked in, walked to the Arch. We were hoping we (they, because I am scared of heights) could go to the top...but it was too long of a wait. It would run into our cardinals game. But as I walked over there memories came real to me. I remembered the first time I was there. It was with John....and I was pregnant with Matthew. I shared with the kids how we went to the top. All the way up I held tight to his hand. When we got to the top....I was ready to go down. Course you have to wait. John was so sweet...he held me close in the middle of the little room (so I wouldn't feel like I was falling) and waited until we could go down. I laughed when I told the kids that I said then that I would never go up there again....and I have kept my promise to myself!

I remember standing at the top of the stairs and standing sideways...John took a picture of me like that...in front of the arch. I remember what he was wearing as I looked at him and smiled. I remember he came up to me, kissed me tenderly and said, "You look beautiful". I have so many memories of that time...and pictures. A time I will never forget.

We went to the game and I was surprised at the seating we had. Having never reserved seats and a game before I had no idea what I was doing when I got these tickets. I knew we had good seat when Matthew, who was sitting down the row from me...with the younger kids in the middle of us.......text me and said, "You did good Momma". I was so happy.

We had a great time at the game. I sat next to Isaac. I just kept thinking how that should have been John there with him. See, Isaac had begged and begged John to go to a Cardinals game. We go by there every summer to see my mom and dad. John told him last summer, that if they were in town this summer when we went through either on the way to or from, that he would take him. Isaac asked me if they were, I checked, found out they were, and felt like I was responsible for that to Isaac.

As I sat at the game next to Isaac. I know that Isaac went there too....I wish.....He had so much fun. It was every father's dream to see his son enjoying the game as Isaac did...I wish......It was every mothers dream to see her son and husband enjoying the game together...I wish. It was a hard evening for me.

I never realized how much John did when getting ready for the trip/vacation. I was overwhelmed the night before. Everything turned out well...and I am sure the next time will be easier for me.

It is hard to look at the pictures...someone...something...is always missing....in everyone of them.

God is doing something in my life. He is opening my eyes to things that are not pleasing to him...in my life and my kids life. Things that have to change for me, for our family, to bring Glory to His name, to be all that God requires of us. Changes....no body likes them. I am fretting over the changes that I feel need to be made...mainly asking the kids to abide by my house rules. I worry about them accepting them. But I want a house filled with His spirit...I want us to be different than the world. We are not different. God is just revealing things to me.

This morning...I was praying about it...asking God to help me know what to do....how to approach the kids...etc. I opened my devotional God Calling, and the first line of the devotion said this: Do what is required of you, let me take care of the outcome. So, there I have it! I have to do what He asks of me...not worry about what the kids will say or do, or how they will react. Not worry about other people and their opinions. I HAVE to do what He requires. He will take care of the rest. Besides...faith without doing is not faith at all. So I have to believe His word. So I prayed and asked God to reveal what all he wants of me, what he wants or needs me to change in my life and the life of my kids while they are in my care. I know he will reveal it to me...as He as already started.

Pray with me. Pray that God will work all things for our good. That I will walk where and how he wants me to. To obey him in doing....and he will take care of the rest.

Love,
Saundra