I Marchy 29, 2010

Ginger, first of all I want to tell you that Yes, your mind is jumbled. And it will be for some time to come. But it is typical for what we are going through! Honest! It has been proven. There are even days now when I can't think straight. My goodness, there was 2 months where I wouldn't make a decision because I knew I couldn't and wasn't thinking straight. It is normal.

Even today at work, I could sense that my mind was "jumbled" so as I was given a mission to do, I told the teacher telling me to please write down what she wanted me to do because I didn't think that I could remember it. Thankfully, she has worked with me long enough she knew right what I meant.

Now, to His word. My doctor said today that when he first saw me months ago that i was in pretty bad shape...but He can see how my faith, MY GOD, has carried me through. Find a scripture that speaks to your needs for this time and memorize it. When satan comes in and tries to destroy us even more.....you can speak God's word and he has to flea. Just as Jesus did. We can do it too.

I have some books I am going to have Sallye Siems bring over to you. They explain from day one what you will experience...and so far it has been right on. What has been helpful to me is to know what is to come....and that I am not going crazy.

My dear friends, thank you for all the wonderful comments about my family, and my wonderful husband. I sense a moving amongst our little family. A closeness is beginning. A binding is stating. Why should I be surprised.....didn't we pray for that?

Hannah went to both Isaac and Rachel's games tonight. Even sat on my lap during Rachel's. Matthew, Isaaac and Hannah and I sat and laughed with one another during Rachel's game. I sat there and thought "Wow, we are becoming a family again." While it is still hard. I think I may see the tip of a rainbow!!! Praise the Lord!!!!

Remember yesterday I told you that in Sunday School Dave challenged us to pray for a desire for the mission of God to save the lost and dying world. To be His witness. Well, I started praying that this morning...and don't ya know....I did long all day for a chance to tell someone about Jesus! I had two chances....a co worker and my doctor. I know that sounds lame, but to me it was very exciting. And, I didn't know what to say when the time did co me...but all I could say, was what God had done for me and where I was in my relationship to Him now. I so want that desire to grow deeper yet..

Matthew is showing more and more love towards all of us. I thank the Lord for that. Still pray for his golfing and his school work.

Pray for Hannah. That she will continue to open up, to want to be with us....to realize that life goes on.
She is also struggling with track. Pray for her.

Pray for Isaac. He is struggling in school and in baseball. He just cannot hit the ball. My heart breaks for him. He can't hit it!!!! Please pray for him.

Pray for protection for all of us. It is at the moments when we are at the top of the mountain that satan tries to attack. But pray that God commands His Angels to care for each of us and protect us from the enemies arrows.

Thanks for reading...I love you all...
Saundra

Sunday, March 29, 2010

Wow, What a weekend. I woke up Saturday morning with such a longing for John. I didn't know if I could even get through my devotions.....let alone the day.
But, since Hannah is having such a hard time being with us and in our home I decided that there were two things I could do for her: the one being the obvious...pray. The second is to make it a fun place...where there wasn't always gloom, or me crying. Even if it meant holding my own feeling in I was/am willing to do that.

So, she has a project due next Friday, and Rach has one due a little later, which would make it necessary to make a trip to Hobby Lobby. Matthew was gone, judging at the Regional Speech Competition at Bethany schools. Isaac was staying with a friend. So I decided it would be a fun girls day.

So, I asked Hannah if she wanted to go to Hobby Lobby then to Walmart with me and she agreed. We soon had Rachel on the bandwagon. Then, I had not wanted to go see Emma because of it being 1) being a hospital (reminded me of too much) and 2) it was next to the very hospital. So, I just couldn't bring myself to go.

But Saturday Morning all of a sudden I felt a burst of bravery and thought "I can do this!" So I asked the girls, and Matthew who was home by now, if they wanted to go visit Emma. They all enthusiastically agreed. When we got there I parked in the wrong parking garage and the 3 kids laughed and teased me about it all the way to the right Hospital. They walked arm in arm...all three of them. Matthew being in the middle. It made me feel so good inside.

It was the same thing as we walked back to the car. Matthew in the middle and each girl with their arms around him and he them. They laughed and talked all the way to the car. It felt almost normal.

We stayed and visited for a little while and they we left. The girls and I headed to Hobby and Lobby and just spent hours in there looking around. We laughed about things, talked about things....had a great relaxing time.

We went to Scholtszky's for lunch and sat and visited and had a great time there also...sharing one another's food. Then we went to Walmart where the girls did more giggling and teasing with each other than I have seen them do for at least 4 months. It was so good!

Then we came home and just sat and relaxed with one another. Nothing said, but a lot said. If you know what I mean. Hannah seemed herself for that time.

She seemed great today also. She talked and shared and laughed and actually spent most of the day here! It was good to have her here.

Went to church this morning. Was disappointed that Matthew didn't make it. But, I know that he is moving closer to the Lord everyday. In fact, I can see it on his face, by his actions and the words he uses. God is moving on him.

I loved Sunday School. I was sharing with someone today that I almost look forward to going to Sunday School than I do church. Dave is so open. So free. He is you, he is me. I have been where he has been. He has been where I have been. Maybe not exactly the same...but we are both sinners saved by God's Grace. And that puts us in the same category.

I loved his lesson this morning. I have been praying that God would make me more like Him. Like I would be more like Him in my everyday life. But, today I thought, as Dave was speaking, of course!!! If I pray for a desire to have the mission of Christ, of saving the lost, I will become like Him! I think I've been praying wrong. My prayer is changing to ...Lord, give me a desire to win the lost for you. Give me your desire.....that your mission will become my mission!

Prayers....
Pray for Matthew as the Lord continues to work in his heart and life. Pray that he will begin to have a little more responsibility.not only in the house here with me...but in his own life. He is qualifying tomorrow in golf. Pray that he plays well. That his hands, wrists, arms, and all that is involved will move the best way for him to do the best he has done.

Pray for Hannah. Pray that she continues to open up about the pain and hurt that she is feeling. Thank the Lord for how she has started to open up this far. Pray that God will begin to heal her heart as she reveals her pain. I pray that she begins to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Help to see how he can help her.

Be with Isaac. Lord, give him an obedient heart. A heart that wants to please. A heart that is for others and not for selfish motives. Lord, work in his heart, touch his mind. Lord, I need him to be more obedient towards me. More respective to me. Help him at school as this is one area that he struggles in. Help him to understand the teachers and what they say. Give him wisdom.

Be with Rach. I pray that she will continue to hear His voice and know it. That she will be one with Him and that he can begin to work His will in her life.

Pray for our protection where ever we each go. Pray for God's angels to surround us with safety and protection.

Pray for peace in our home. Pray for patience with one another.

Pray for the Nimmo family, They have been heavy on the my heart. Lord, comfort them, and meet their needs daily.

Thank you faithful readers...I am glad you are still here.

Love,
Saundra

Friday March 27, 2010

My heart hears your sobs Ginger. I am there with you. How do I cope? By being honest with myself and others about my feelings. How do I cope? Sometimes I don't. It is only through God's Grace that I find the strength to go on. How do I cope? Sometimes I don't. Today was one of those days. It is days like these that I try to live in His presence, relying on Him to carry me, because I can't possibly carry myself, let alone my children. There are many, many days I doubt His existence, His power, Him. But then I look from where I have come and know deep inside my heart that I could not have made by any other way.

I read. I read the Bible like I have never read it before. I search it, listening, letting Him direct my thoughts so He can give me something to hold onto. And I hold onto Him. And, I study, and memorize. And I look back to the very first scripture He gave me...rather the first words I heard Him say to me...."I will sustain you". That's all I had. But at that time that was all I needed. That was His promise to me for that time.

You ask yourself why over and over again. Then, like me you finally realize that you will never have the answer here on this earth. That He is the only one that knows. So, you tell Him, "Okay, then show me what you want me to do out of this?" And you find yourself becoming more like Him. And just the time you think..."Okay, I'm making it." Something will hit you like you have never been hit before.....and you don't think you will ever make it....and it begins again....but this time....you are a little bit stronger....because you have been in His word, you have been in His presence, you have communed with Him. And you don't understand....but He quiets you.

Ginger, I don't have the words. I don't have an explanation. All I can tell you is what I did. And that was get into the word. And trust...trust those around you. Lean on them....I believe God sends them to us in these times. Look for Him in EVERYTHING. He is there....

I am still too close to the fire to come and be with you. I think I would just sit and cry and make it so much worse for you. But, know that I know. Know that I care. Know that I pray. You are in my heart. I feel your pain.

To my friends, today was a very hard day. I don't know if I told you that Hannah finally told me that she doesn't want to be around us or the house because it reminds her too much of daddy.

Well, today she had a track meet in Hinton. Her first of the year. I had been texting her throughout the morning asking her how it was going. Just talking with her to know let her know someone was thinking of her. I was getting my lunch ready at school and I got a text from her. It said, "I can't run without Daddy here." I broke down. I couldn't eat. I called her and tried to talk with her. Encourage her. She sounded so discouraged. So down. So sad. I tried to get through it. I kept saying that she would be alright. But I couldn't convince myself. I text Matthew to see if he could and he couldn't. So, I just made a decision...I was going. I explained it to Mr Broughton...who is the most understanding person I know...and he said that was fine and he let me leave.

I drove as fast as I could. Got there in 45 min. I missed her run the first one....she came in 2nd....but watched her run the second one...came in 2nd then also. I don't know if it made a difference that I was there. I sure hope so. I may never know. But, I did what I felt I should do as her mother at this time. Then hurried home because Isaac and Rach were home by themselves. Which I never like to do right after school. I always prided myself that my children never came home to an empty house. But they were alone.

Then, came home, ran to Academy to get some things for Rach as she starts softball tonight. Grabbed food from Subway, brought it home and then was off to her game by 7:15. I can't be mom and dad. I can't be both. I am only one person. How do i do it?

Pray for me.
Pray for Hannah, she is opening up more and more. Give me wisdom as to what to say to her. Help me help her.

O God, help me. Fill this hole. I miss him so much. I just keeping saying I cant believe he is gone. He is gone. He is gone. I want to be gone. I want to be with him. O God, my God. Help me. I am distraught and in anguish. You promised your presence, you promised to hide me under your wings, you promised to carry me close to your heart...promises Father. Show me they are true. I am waiting for you.

Pray....
Saundra

It is days like these, my friends, my prayer warriors, that I think I can't go on. I am soooo tired. Tired. I can't do this alone.

Thurs. March 26, 2010

My mind just seems to be so jumbled. I have so many thought going through my mind. So many things going on.

Let me see, last night killed me. We finalized the grave stone for John. I couldn't believe it. It made it final. He really is gone...forever. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I couldn't get his beautiful face, his wonderful smile, his gentleness out of my mind. I miss him. I want to be with him.

I woke with such a feeling of dread. I didn't want to get out of bed. If it were not for the kids I would have stayed there....forever. Not facing the world, the work, anything. I am just tired of it all. I don't want to do it anymore! Yes, but I know I have to.

Then, I had to go to Kingfisher again tonight. Remember that was where the golf course was that I went to with John. The baseball field is right north of it. I knew it all day long and dreaded it. Furthermore, I knew I was going to have to go by myself. I prayed for rain all day. We got sunshine. That wasn't funny Lord. Having, firt to go to the game by myself, then sit by myself, and look over and see the course. Sometimes I just closed my eyes and pretended I wasn't there.

I talked to Hannah on the phone on the way to Kingfisher. Finally got some information from her. It hurts me. I don't know what to do about it. But, I had taken Rach over to grams, so she could take her to practice while I was at Isaacs game. So, Hannah called to see where we all were. When I told her she said that she would just go someplace with her friends. I suggested that she go spend time with Rach and grams because we never see her. She started to cry and said she didn't like being home because it reminded her too much of daddy. She said, it made her sick to be home. She said, it just seems sad when we are all here. She likes to be with her friends because they are always laughing.

I explained to her that we have all gotten better. That it isn't like that anymore. I told her that she has to give us a chance. Then I told her that she couldn't avoid us, or our home forever. She said, "Yes, I can." I told her that if she thought that was the answer that I would need to get her some help. That yes, that is normal grieving....to not like to come home. But to expect to do it forever, and not let it out, that was not healthy.

She was crying by then. I didn't know what to say to her. But, now I know. I told her that we all missed her. That we wanted her to be with us. She said, she just couldn't. It just made her sick to be with us and be home without daddy.

I am worn out. It isn't hard enough to get everyone where they need to be, and want to be there with them. But now, I need to find help for Hannah. I am worried. She is definitely holding her feelings in.

I am starting to dread waking up. I dread after school. It seems my mind never quits nor does my body. I am going 100%^ all the time. I don't think I can do it much longer. The Lord needs to come and get me, or I need to go to him.

Matthew is doing great. He has been so helpful. Isaac and I were arguing a little about studying and he quietly and calmly came out and settled the argument! Kind of tickled me. But, I still pray that he would crave God's word. He is so smart that I believe once he starts reading it will be amazing what he discovers, and how God can speak to him through it.

Pray for Hannah. Pray that she somehow finds a way to let go. Help her to deeal with John's passing in a healthy way. I am so thankful for her friends though. I don't know what she would have done if she didn['t have them. But, I am praying that God use them to help her. I think also, if she would begin to search her heart and look for God that she would find out that he can take that pain away.

Pray for Isaac. He sure misses John during this baseball season. He just sat quietly all the way home from his game. I wanted so badly to ask him what he was thinking, but I was afraid of the answer, Pray that the Lord would give him and obediant spirit and heart,

Pray for Rach. Tonight when she got home from Softball practice I went to find her and she was just sitting on her bed....just sitting there. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Just thinking". But about what she wouldn't say.

It's funny. I am the talker....obviously......John was the one that kept things inside......so do each of the kids. How ironic.

Just pray for us.

I'm tired. I am weary. I want to quit, but know I can't. There is so much I want to do. But I am so busy with the kids I can't find time for even myself. Is that selfish? I don't know. But, I can't do this alone...and right now I feel like I am.

Pat, I just wanted to tell you thank you. You are a faithful reader of my blog and I so appreciate it. I know you are praying and appreciate that also. Keep praying.

Well, it is 9:41. I have 2 more loads of laundry, and 3 lunches to pack. I would love to sweep my house...it needs it so bad...but the laundry and lunches are more important at this point. The sweeping will have to wait....yet another day.

Maybe God will come and take us all home tonight...then who cares what gets done!!!!!!

Love,
Saundra

Also....don't forget our baby Emma. I don't understand it all enough to explain what is going on with her. But the poor baby needs prayer. She needs God's healing touch. ( I find that very hard to ask for or even say since I have been there..done that....and it didin't do anything)..but if you have any faith...pray for her healing.

Wednesday Evening, March 25, 2010

I am feeling blue tonight. Just don't have much energy, much of anything to give. I think I can see how my summer is going to be. Like tonight. All the kids gone doing their own thing. Now I am not looking forward to summer.

Got my hair done today. Didn't want to make too much of a change because John loved my hair. But it turned out differently than I expected. Don't even have the energy to really care.

Thank the Servants of the Lord that were led to help Isaac get a bike. He got it Monday night, rode it a little bit. Than Tuesday night he had a game so he didn't get a chance to ride it. Though that was the first thing on his mind when he left the game. I assured him that I would not let him ride in the dark.

Then that was the first thing he did when he got home from school today. He is so happy. I was telling Jeff and Sallye tonight that he would definitely be able to keep up with David, and Kevin and those guys. He just rides so fast.

But to you that gave so he could have...thank you. Thank you for listening to God and obeying Him. You are true Saints. And I believe it has changed Isaacs heart in a way.

Boy, I am down......I don't even feel like doing this.....just pray for me. I need a bit of sunshine in my life. I guess I have some worries that I need to give to the Lord...maybe that is it.

Pray.

Love,
Saundra

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Today started out pretty good. Church was good. Sunday School was awesome. The spirit was so there!!!! Thanks to Dave for allowing the spirit to do the work and move. I know not only did Dave speak to me in class, but the others that shared, and God was easily heard in it all.



But, tonight is different. I don't know. So many reasons. Rachel is sick. Matthew is going through something that he won't talk to me. I feel sooooo lonely when he won't talk to me. I don't understand why, but I do. And he is short with me. So, I feel like I have done something. I have asked him to talk to me and he won't. I know he and Jennie have decided to wait until next college year to have a relationship..if at all. But, there is so much more going on with Matthew. I can see it in his eyes. And if you read his facebook, he is reaching out. Please pray for me.



I told Sallye I was doing okay today, until he just got so down. So sad. He pretty much laid in his bed all day. Really. My heart hurts.



Then if that isn't enough, I needed to put gas in two of the vehicles and Hannah said she couldn't go with me, Matthew...well I was afraid to ask. So, I called Jay. He did go with me. But, it is at those times when I look at my life and wonder if I will ever be able to have a "normal" life again.



As I pulled in the drive, I looked back towards the garage and saw all the trash that needed to be pulled to the curb and just sighed. Isaac had homework, Matthew I wouldn't ask, that left....yea me. I just wanted John at that moment.



I realize that John and I enabled the kids to be what they are now. Not helping out...etc...but I don't know how to change it. We did everything. Everything. I can't. Not by myself. I feel so lonely tonight.



Thank Jesus that Jeff and Sallye needed to come over for something so Jeff got Isaac out there to help with the trash. But, as I sit here...trying to get Isaac to work on his homework, helping Rach as she holds the trash can, wishing Matthew would just come out and hug me, wishing Hannah would do the same. I am so lonely.



I sometimes wonder...honestly, would they miss me? Oh, yea, the clean laundry that they find every day. The food put before them....but they could do that all themselves. I wonder. Is this pain I feel, this loneliness I feel really worth all this? I wonder. I am so lonely.



Yea, I have friends...but this is an emptiness I don't think anyone here on earth can fill. A loneliness that only certain people can feel....and wonder....if it will ever be filled. I am so lonely.



I am tired friends. I need a fresh touch. Dave talked about the silence. I am there. What does he want of me. I feel like I have given him everything....literally. What more? What is He trying to tell me. Oh, for a peace that passes all understanding right now.



Pray for Me. Pray for that Peace. Pray that God will talk...that as his sheep I will hear his voice and know it. Pray for direction with my children. I want them to be raised in Christ, through Christ....and with respect for others. I want them to be happy. Pray that I know how to do that for them.



Pray for Matthew. That he will find the happiness that he is looking for, in Christ. Help him to realize that happiness is not in the friends he has, the girls he dates, but in Christ alone. Help him to see that. I pray that he will have a personal relationship with the One that can take care of him and love him as his daddy did.



Pray for Hannah. She needs the Lord. That is hard for me to admit...but she does. Yes, she is a typical teenager, and will do typical teenage things. BUT, she still has to find her place with Jesus. I don't believe John and I emphasized that enough to our kids. I pray that she will begin to have a longing for a relationship with Him.



Pray for Isaac. He has such a big space missing in his life. It's as though his life is a puzzle and the piece that is missing is the piece he needs most. He is lonely. I know he is. He reaches out to Matthew quite a bit. Sometimes accepted, sometimes not. He is so athletic. John was his athletic buddy. And he misses that. Where he used to spend all his time outside, now he is inside. Where he used to love sports, I am not sure that is so anymore. Pray for a bike for him. I thought it would be good for him to get one. While Sallye is at work he and I could ride. He can ride in rides with us. Which is what John had promised him and he was looking so forward to this summer. Pray for his little heart to find peace. Pray that he find the Lord. He needs a relationship as well with Jesus. He needs to know the Lord. Pray that he have an obedient heart, not only to the Lord, but to me as well.



Pray for Rach. As I write this she is on the couch sick and throwing up. Pray for comfort for her. Pray that God continue to lead her tender heart.



Pray that this sickness she has stops with her. I told Sallye I don't know if I can handle anything else right now.



Pray for God's angels to surround each of us with His Angels. "That He command His Angels to have charge over us.....that we won't strike our foot against a stone." Ps 91.



I am memorizing that passage so you will be seeing it in my blog a lot. It has so much to say. So much of what I need in it. I wanted to have it in my heart, in my mind, and on my tongue when the enemy tries to strike.



Thanks for reading.



Love to you all,

Saundra

Sat. March 20, 2010

Well, once again, and I shouldn't be surprised, God is faithful. He brought all my babies home safely to me yesterday. Yes, it was hard not to worry. But I want to work so hard on moving forward in my faith and trust in God. I went to the grocery store (BFL--which I hate...but had to do some banking anyway), and was Skyping with my sister quite a bit yesterday. The day went by pretty swiftly....not by coincidence either. He knew I needed it to....as my faith grew.

Had an interesting thing happen yesterday though. I tan....well am just starting....it was one of those things that I just couldn't do....I used to start in Feb....but just couldn't''t this time, anyway....went to my tanning place that I have went to for the past 3 years. Towards the end of last summer, I think they had a staff turnover or something, because I noticed a few new faces. Anyway, one of those new faces was at the desk when I walked in. We said our hello's, then I had to register. I couldn't remember...which happens a lot nowadays...what plan I was on last year. I asked her if she could look it up on the computer and she agreed. She asked for my name, and I told her. She turned toward the computer, then stopped, took a breath, and said, "Can I ask you a question?" I knew what was coming. She said, "Are you the Mrs. Griffis that lost her husband a little while back?" I began to cry...just can't help it....and I said, "Yes, that is me." She reached across and took my hands and said, "I am so sorry." Then she began to tell me what she knew. She told me that she was talking to her cousin, who had heard 'all around town' about this man....who....(I'm not going to go into that part...you all know anyway), and she told me how sad it was for her. Then, she told me what a great man he was according to her cousin and the papers, and the talk around town. Then she said, "I went to BHS, my principal was a Griffis, is he any relation?" I said that he was John's dad. She said...."Then I think I remember him!" I then pulled back and said, "See, here are his shirts we made in memory of him!" She read the scripture and said, "God will help you." I told her how much he has helped me, sustained me, answered my prayers, brought me victory, changed me, made me a better person......etc. She smiled and said that she was glad that I was doing ok. I told her "By God's Grace." And I meant every word of it.

As I was relaying the story to Jeff and Sallye, I realized, that John's legacy indeed lives on if her life is changed because of the story I told. OF the witness of God's Grace. Yes, John's legacy lives on. Praise His Holy Name!!!!

My hope and prayer is that each of you, when given the opportunity, will help his legacy live by witnessing about God's Grace, His Mercy, His love.

The kids are doing well. Praise Him. Matthew seems to love more than he ever loved before. Not just me...but the other kids. He has been so good. Just coming up and hugging me. Which is what John would do....and I missed so much. Now Matthew does. Sometimes its all I need. I still look for him to have a deeper relationship to Christ. He talks about how he now...with the exception of some blues singers named a John (I think) and a Buble (I think) will only listen to Christian music. It amazes me the changes I have seen in him. I know God can use many things, many people, music, etc....to bring people closer to him. I know that is what he is doing with Matthew.

Hannah had a great time in Vegas. I am glad to have her home. But friends, my prayer is that she have a relationship with Christ. I know it is probably typical, probably expected, but it seems she relies on her friends for everything. I long, I mean long, for her to really know the joy of serving the Lord. I wish He meant to her what her friends mean to her. My heart cries for that. Pray, pray, that somehow God speaks to her and she hears his voice. I keep remembering that scripture: The shepherd knows his sheep and His sheep know His voice." At this point I don't think she would know. She is at the age of accountability, I know. Maybe I haven't been the witness I should have been in the past. But, God help me now, I want to be, for her. So just pray that she begin to see something in me, in somebody, where she will know there needs to be a change in her life.

Isaac is doing okay. He misses his dad so much. It is starting to come out verbally more that he does. I mean he is actually saying it to people and to me, that he misses him. He is hurting. My baby is hurting. So guess what....I am hurting. I don't know how to help but to pray and ask you to pray. Jeff has done so much with him and for him. He has begun to kind of look up to and look to Jeff for a lot of things. O Lord, I pray that you just fill that hole with someone that can at least fill the needs he has. You all know how he and John were buds, best friends, especially in the summer...golfing, baseball, riding, etc.....hardly ever away from each other. Isaac is literally lost. Please pray for him.

Rach is doing okay. She, I believe is on the right track. I think God put her on the right track the day she was born!!!!! She seems to have a good outlook. I think sometimes she goes "there", but I think God comforts her in a way that only He and she knows.

Pray for us. I keep thinking that we are a family in the wilderness. I read somewhere that everyone of us will one day go through the wilderness...never believing God will bring us out....but like the Isrealites, He does. But, we have to go through it first....to become better servants to and for God. We are in the wilderness. Pray that we learn, that we grow, that we don't give up....that we persevere.

This morning during my devotions, I was memorizing Psalm 91 and the song came on called (I think) By My Spirit. So, the words I was memorizing were, "He will rescue me from the traps of the enemy....." and then I was thinking of the next line and these words of the song I heard, "Mountains will be moved, I will build my temple in you, and all my promises WILL BE DONE!" I smiled....do you realize how many promises he has given me!!!! Not only in this song...but in his word he tells us he keeps his promises!!!! I disgust myself with my lack of faith.

I am just going to throw this out there.....God forgive me if I shouldn't.....but you all know how John and I were big road bikers. We loved riding together. Well, Sallye has said that she will ride with me, along with many of the people who knew that my "riding partner" could no longer ride with me. But, this past summer, before John passed away, he had been looking for a bike for Isaac. Isaac has been asking me if he will get a bike to ride with me and Sallye. I want to get him one. I have looked on Craig's list, ebay, where ever I can look. Bless Kevin Beals heart. I send him pics of everything I see.....so he can look at it to see if it would be appropriate for Isaac. Because, quite honestly, I have no idea what I am looking for. John did all that. Anyway, I am just asking that if any of you know of someone that has a bike they want to sell, I would love to have a chance to buy it. I am not asking for a handout. I know they can be expensive. I am so willing to pay. But, if you could let Keven Beals know...his email is krbeals@cox.net... he knows what to look for. I would really appreciate it.

Thank you to all of you. It feels so good to talk with you. I told the lady at the tanning place yesterday about my blog. I told her that it allows me to say so much that I don't know how to say verbally to anyone else. I pour, literally pour myself out in this blog. So, I appreciate, you , my friends, that read faithfully. I love you.

Love,
Saundra

March 19, 2010 Friday

Well, my first day really alone. Isaac is with Gramps at the batting cages. Matthew took Rach and a couple of friends hiking in the Wichitas. So here I am. I wanted to go with them, but Matthew wanted to do it on his own. I told Jeff that I thought it was a learning experience for me from the Lord. I have been praying that the Lord increase my faith and trust in him. What more than to teach me with my children whom I love dearly!!!!!



In fact, in my devotions this morning it seemed like everything I read pointed to all the reasons I needed to trust God more. Why I should have faith more. I am reading the Bible through so I am reading about Abraham, Jacob....the faith that they had. I want that faith. And I believe if I ask, wait, learn I can have that kind of faith also.



So, I prayed. I prayed that God would be with the kids. That they would be protected in the car. That he would keep them safe. I prayed that "He would command His Angels over them to guide them in all they do." Ps 91.

So, I am learning faith and trust in my God who hears my prayers. This is going to be a very long day for me! But if it makes me more like my Saviour then I will not complain. Just pray with me for their safety.

Well, yesterday I went to the Kingfisher Aquatic Center with some other moms yesterday. I was fine going. Was actually looking forward to it. I got lost so I couldn't find it. But when I found it....I wish I hadn't. It was right next to the golf course that I had went with last year with John to watch the golf team play. I didn't think I was going to contain myself. In fact, where I parked, I could see the tree that John had parked me under to keep me from the wind.

So, as I sat in the center all I could think about was knowing I was going to have to go back out there. When I did, I finally cried. I was glad the girls were in a good mood because they were laughing, giggling, and singing and didn't notice my tears. I just thought, "I can't do anything, but it reminds me of him". I had a sick feeling for the rest of the night, and a tear in my chest.

But, I still know that God is in control. God sees my tears, He knows my pain. It is just another step, another step closer to becoming more like Him. I don't know how he will use it...but He will, and I will be better for it, and He will glorified in it.

I am trying to get myself outside today. It is so pretty. I need to trim the bushes. That was John's job. But, I need to do it. So, I am praying for faith and strength and to take yet another step closer to His will in my life.

Pray for me
Pray for my kids.
Peace, and joy.

Love to you all.....will talk to you later,
Saundra

March 18, 2010 Thursday

Janet...why do I smile whenever I see your name on here! Thanks for making me smile.

Especially after the adventure I have been on. I have decided that God does have a sense of humor. The kids and I left here Tuesday afternoon around 1 to head to Afton, Ok...what used to be Shang gri La (sp) resort. It has since changed names. Well, because we got lost several times Isaac said it took us 4 hours, Matthew said 3. I think it was suppose to be 2 and maybe 1/2. We finally got to our destination and discovered that everything was turned off when the lights wouldn't come on. And it was freezing in the house. So, I called the sweet person that was letting us use the house and they said that I needed to check that box that runs everything and make sure everything was on. So, I went out and clicked everything on that I thought we would use. No heat. We waited 20 min. no heat. So I called the person again they said to try a few different things so I did with no victory. So they told me to go down the street and ask the gentleman neighbor...he was used to helping them. So, I walked down there...sweet as he was..and he came and did all the thought to do. Then they suggested that I call a 24 hour heat and air man. Well, I didn't feel comfortable doing that without permission. So, I tried to call the person with no success. So Matthew suggested we go get something to eat and see if the heat would come on while we were gone. Well, you know how those resort towns are...everything shuts down during the cold months. So we found a conoco that had pizza and chicken!!!! We ordered pizza and I picked up a gallon of milk and somethings for breakfast. 3 bags of groceries and 2 14" pizzas cost us $60! We went back and ate pizza in the ....yep...COLD! Finally I tried the person again with no luck so I text them and told them that if I didn't hear from them in 10 min we were headed for a hotel.

I didn't hear from them, so we packed (with the kids moaning) everything up and headed to a hotel. Well, it was so dark in the countryside that we could hardly see far in front of us. So, we had to take it rather slow. Finally we got on the turnpike and 1 1/2 hours later we were unloading our things at a hotel there. Let me say...Isaac was still so chilled he took a shower. I jumped in bed and was out like a light.

Turned out good though. The boys ended up golfing at a course in Jenks and had a great time. Rach and I had a pedicure and did some shopping. It turned out to be a good day afterall.

We came home last night and today Gramps, Jonathon, Matthew and Isaac are going to go golfing today. Isaac wanted to stay at the hotel and golf in Tulsa at a place he hadn't golfed before. So, I promised him that if we came home that we would make sure he would golf somewhere that he hadn't golfed before. So he was okay with it.

I am taking Rachel to the swimming pool in Kingfisher today along with a bunch of moms and their kids from school. Rach loves swimming so she is looking forward to it.

I had my moments of missing John. Like with the furnace.....I almost cried thinking why am I having to do this? Alone? Then setting the boys up to golf ....I had no idea what I was doing. Plus, on the way up there....it was just so lonely, we all knew and realized that He was missing. We all missed his joking laughing.

Then on the way home God protected us...as we had prayed for his protection before we left....and later I found out that at dinner that night grams and gramps had prayed for traveling mercies.....Matthew was driving and was getting ready to change lanes and a car came up to his blind sign and we almost hit it. He swerved to miss it and the car just rocked back and forth...I said later I know we were on two wheels at one time. But he controlled it and I know that God was in control first.

Then as passed Hefner and parkway we passed Hefner and all I could think about was John and I riding our bikes and the tears began to roll. I hit my leg with my fist and just couldn't help to say why. I want one more ride with him!!!!!

I found a very sweet card from Neeley Jacobson. I will quote some of the things she stated to me. They are so moving and inspirational. I feel like God definitely spoke through her.

In II Corinthians the Lord spoke to me: Lord, it is you that makes me stand firm in Christ. You anointed me, set your seal of ownership on me and your spirit in my heart as a deposit guaranteeing what is to come.

Joshua 1:5 told me..No one will stand against me...for as YOU were with Moses, you are with me. You will never leave me or forsake me. I will be strong and courageous.

Funny...he gives you just what you need when you need it. I was feeling kind of down today. Feeling like a failure....feeling like I couldn't do this. But He knew. He has something wonderful in store for me. I just have to wait on Him.

I know one thing He has definitely called me to: TO BE LIKE HIM...IN HIS IMAGE. I know without a doubt he has called me to life of sincere commitment and servant hood. And I am ready to learn and do it. It is kind of exciting waiting for him to work and do his work in and through me.

Pray for Matthew....he may go climbing tomorrow. That always makes me nervous. But I do want to tell you how wonderful he has been. He was great on the trip. When I would start to lose it he would tell me to just settle down. He was great with the kids. Especially Isaac. I think he sees Isaac's needs. And he sure met them when they went golfing. He played with Rach and he loved on me. God is doing great things. My prayer is that he will desire a deeper relationship with Him.

Pray for Hannah. She is still in Vegas. She has called everyday and is having fun. She will return on Friday. Pray for her safety and protection. Pray that she will be convicted by His Spirit. I don't think she realizes that you need a personal relationship with Him. I pray that she will see the need and I know God will do the rest.

Pray for Isaac. My prayer for Isaac is that he would see himself through God's eyes. That he will have an obedient heart, not just for me but to our Lord. I think he is old enough to know. My prayer is that he will give up his will and allow God to work in him.

Be with Rach. Pray for her to allow God to work in that sweet tender heart. I believe with all my heart that he will use her to great things for Him. Help her to know His voice and be obedient even as young as she is.

Pray for our baby Emma. She is rallying. She is feeling better and they are hoping to giver her some liquids in the next couple of days. Pray for God's healing touch. He has brought her so far.

Pray for comfort for the Nimmo's and the Bumpus family. My prayer is that they will not look to man for all their help...but to find our Saviour in this. It is hard I know...and I know I am not there totally....but we are on a journey....find Him in it.

Thanks for reading....and more importantly, your comments. They mean so much to me.

Love you all,
Saundra

Sun March 14, 2010

I have no idea what to do for spring break with my kids. Thanks to some very special people we do get to go somewhere. But, its like, John always made life/getaways fun. I don't know how to do that. I think the kids think I am boring. Well, I probably am. They are so like their dad in being athletic, so that's all they did together. Now, I am sure its, "Oh goodie we get to go somewhere with mom and do....do.....do...?" Luckily, there is a golf course near and Matthew told me that he and Isaac would play golf. Hannah is in Vegas with her friend. That leaves me and Rach. Just pray that things will just pop into my mind to make this a fun and enjoyable time for all of them.

I feel like I am in a rut. A sad one. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I have decided that I have many faces: a church face, a school face, a home face, a home face with company face, a meet someone in public face. So many faces. I feel like I can't be what I want to be.....because of my kids, because I am suppose to be moving on and this weekend I don't feel like I have.

I had to take Hannah out to get a few things for her trip to Vegas. I saw all the spring clothes and they made me sick. I can't even pin point why. But I would look at something and see spring and I didn't like it. But it reminded me of a poem in a book that I read. I would like to share it with you. This is truly what I feel.

It's winter inside,
and I don't know if spring will ever come.

But every once in a while
I think I see a sprig of green
pushing up through the frozen ground.

Maybe just maybe
spring will come.

Be with me, God,
while I watch for spring.
Be with me, God,
when the icy winds blow.
Be with me, God,
when I slip and fall.

Help me to endure the winter.
Help me to wait for spring.
Help me to give hope a chance.
Help to (want) to live again.

That's how I feel today.

Pray for Hannah as she heads to Vegas. Pray for her safety. Pray that she have fun.

Pray for the rest of us. For protection. Pray that God will make this a relaxing fun time, where for once we can forget...just a little bit...and have a real life...have real fun. Pray that I will know what to do to make this happen.

Pray for God's hedge of Angels surround each of us and bring us home together safely again.

Thank you to my faithful readers. I love you all.

Saundra

Friday March 12, 2010 pm

Well, all I keep saying is "It's the 12th, I made it through the 10th". That is just how I feel. Whew is really how I feel. It was a very hard day for me. Tears came very easily for me. It was a good thing I didn't go to school. It would have been a disaster. Sallye came and we went to return a few things to TJ Maxx and shop a little. Then I came home and slept the rest of the day away. But my heart ached all day. Until you have been there, you will never know what an aching heart feels like. It is unbelievable. I never knew you could feel, really have a broken heart. Now I know and wish it on no one.

It was hard even Thursday. It is unbelievable the stress, the energy that grieving takes on your body. I was still feeling exhausted and completely mentally exhausted. It just takes a while to come back.

Isaac had a game Thursday night at OCS (baseball). Usually Jay would go with me, but he was with the golf team so I was going by myself. It was awful. All the way there all I could think about was that if only John was here we would be going together and I wouldn't be alone. I called Matthew, he was also at the golf course, but he was going to come from Rose Creek and meet me there so I wouldn't have to drive home by myself. I could follow him.

Half way through the game I found out that he had went on home. It was so lonely sitting in my chair with my blanket like I did game after game.....but I didn't have John next to me....to just laugh and talk with. Then, when Isaac struck out for the 2nd time, as he came back he looked at me with tears in his eyes. I knew what he was thinking....(I need daddy). But I wouldn't know it until later when he told me that he didn't know if he wanted to play again because he needed help and Daddy was always the one that told him what he was doing wrong so he could fix it. He said he has no one to help him. It just breaks my heart. I can't hardly deal with his hurt.

He and I got into a little spat this morning. Nothing big. But he later told gramps that part of it was because he missed daddy and it is just so different. He wasn't saying it as an excuse....I believe him...he just doesn't know what to do.

He had a game tonight. Ended up the other team didn't come. So, I thought it was a good time for him to work on his hitting. I had also talked to Coach Hawk and he said that he would work with him. So, I think he really had fun tonight. He seemed really happy afterwards.

I don't know...I was thinking at the game that I am just tired of being the ONE. The ONE to have to do everything. I don't mean in things like cleaning the house etc...but just being in charge. I have something on my mind constantly...that I have to do either for me, for the kids, for us...something. My mind never gets a break. Sometimes I just want to fall to ground and give in...to what I don't know.

I was so sorry to hear about Ken Stewart. He was a great friend of Jay's so I feel for Jay. It's just so much for him.But, I feel for the family. My heart goes out to them. I pray that God will comfort them as He did for me.

Our family just feels like there is sadness all around us. Now that our baby Emma is sick again and in the hospital sometimes it feels like we just cannot take anymore. It just wears on us. Especially Jonathon and Jessica and Dawn. They are at the hospital pretty much 24 hours a day.

But, we are all so weary. Weary from all the sadness around us, affecting us. Weary from tears. Weary from praying. I am weary from trying to be sure my kids are alright....in every way. Making sure they are happy. Just weary. Even last night I told Marilyn..I just had to cry...and cry I did.

I did take the cat in. Got another shot. I just couldn't put her down because of Isaac. I don't think he would handle it well. I will just see what happens.

Lucky Hannah, she gets to go to Vegas next week with Wendy and Ali Greer, they offered to take her and pay her way. How could I say no. I am hoping to take the kids somewhere next week. I think it would be best for our health...mental and emotionally, to get away together. I called almost every state park and they are booked. But I remembered that somebody came a few weeks after everything and told me that they had a vacation home, like a cabin or something and said that anytime we wanted to get away, we could use it. But, I can't remember who it was.

If I don't remember, we will just stay here...golf, bowl....whatever we can come up with. I just want it to be special for them. To take their mind off of things...let alone mine.

The kids are doing well. Pray for all of us.

I am not looking forward to the weekend again. Saying goodbye to Hannah will be very hard. Pray for her safety.

I will try to get back on this week sometime. Thanks for reading and commenting. I love you all.

Love,
Saundra

March 10, 2010 Wednesday

Happy Anniversary Darling. How I miss you. You were my everything. I was just thinking the other day, how this past summer I kept telling you how I couldn't live without you. Never realizing for a minute that it would come true.

But here it is...our day....and you aren't here. I was remembering during the night how we would see who could wake the other up first with the wishes of a Happy Anniversary. You always won because you woke a lot in the night. You would lean over as I slept and whisper in my ear, "Happy Anniversary....I love you...and I won!" We would laugh and each go back to sleep.

Then as you would be taking a shower that morning....I would sneak in and use the brightest lipstick I could find and write in big letters, "Happy Anniversary! I would do it all over again and again!"

All Day long we would text each other all day with little love messages, then, whether I was working at the school or not, you would walk in at the end of the day with a bouquet of yellow daisies(my favorite). Then you would have planned a night out with just each other.

Because of the rough time in our marriage last Anniversary you took me to Eureka Springs for almost a week,, just to work on us. I remember, you said, it was like a new beginning for us. That we would do this every Anniversary...just to be together...alone.

I wasn't always the best and perfect wife. But Honey, you were always the perfect husband. Oh, how I wish you were here....just to hold me.

This morning in my devotions I had to apologize to the Lord for asking "Why" again. I had actually come to the point (or so I thought) that when the question "Why" would come up, I would think, or Rather ask the Father, "Not why Lord, but How do you want to use this for your glory. What do you want me to do with this so I can become more like you?" I know this isn't for naught. So, let the Lord use it to better me.

The pain today is so unbearable. So unbearable. I said it before...I wish I could take a bunch of medication to put myself to sleep and wake in the morning...and the 10th would be gone. But, I know that isn't an option. I am home from school. I just couldn't stand the thought of being there on our day...without him.

I remember bringing his lunch to him and celebrating at lunch. Or he would text me and tell me to come up there ,,.,,he just wanted to see me.

I plan to keep myself busy today. Cat to the vet....doing something with Sallye...bless her Lord.

The kids are doing good.

Matthew got a stinking ticket yesterday coming from golf. Only 5 mph over so it shouldn't be much. But it just seem to top everything off.

But he is doing so well. He text me out of the blue yesterday "Momma, I love you." He didn't know how I needed that, at that very moment. He is so fun to be around now. He actually has conversations with me. Not one word replies. He wants to help me...I know it.

He and Jennie are doing great. I love her. I still know John is looking down and laughing at the arrangement. But I feel so safe with them. Before I was cautious and leery about his relationships. But this one is safe. She is leading him deeper and deeper into a relationship with the Lord and I don't know that he realizes the impact she is having on his life.

Pray for his school work. That he will have wisdom. Also, OWU is saying now that they never recieved some of his work that he has proof that he sent to them via email. So pray that that works out. Pray for his golf game. That it will continue to improve with every game. And that the coach will see something in his game worthy of praise.

I still worry about Hannah. I know she is growing out of her clothes and they are too small. But she still argues that they are okay. But I can't have her dressing that way. I don't approve and I know John would not approve. So pray for me as I handle this with a loving spirit. And pray that she will have a willing spirit.
She has changed in so many ways I get boggled trying to pick them out. Pray for her.

Isaac has his good and bad days. My prayer has been that he will begin to see himself as God sees him. That his heart will make a change....that he will lose his temper. That he will be more amicable when asked to do things. That he will be more respectful towards me.

Rach is doing well. It amazes me that she is doing so well. She seems well, so I pray that she isn't holding anything in. Pray that God will use her young and tender heart to do his will.

Pray for our Emma. I can't explain all that is happening to her, I am not a doctor. But she is back in the hospital with some complications. Pray for her. Our family cannot handle anymore grief.

Pray for the Nimmo family and don't forget the Bumpus family. I am not half way down the road....and it is still so painful, they have only begun.....pray for them.

And I know this sounds so silly, but our cat (of 5 years) has some kind of allergy. It is pretty sad what it is doing to her. For a while taking her to the vet every 4-5 months kept the symptoms at bay. But lately it has been every month...$25 a shot. The only other option is a big $800 or so dollar test. That is definitely not in the picture. I was thinking about having her put down but when I mentioned it to Isaac he cried and said :"No mommy, she is my cat. I love her!" So, please pray for God to direct me. I can't have him hurting so much after hurting so much before. Just pray for direction to me from God. I am taking her in for another shot today until I can decide what to do.

Thank you again for reading, commenting and your prayers. I really do love you all.

Saundra

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I can so relate to David in the Psalms. His ups and downs. His cries for help. His cries for MERCY!!! His feelings of abandonment. But, like you said Jeff, just because God helped David kill the giant, didn't mean that he had an easy ride on the throne. I really could relate to that. Thank you for your comment Jeff. I really appreciated that.



Well, we got the rough draft made for the headstone. I thought thinking as I sat and cried through it..."Wow, this is the hardest thing I've had to do!" Then, I remembered why I was doing it.....my love was gone....there is nothing in this world could be hard than losing him. Nothing. It was hard....yes it was hard.



Thursday I still felt the effects of Wednesday. People think that I have a bad day, then the next day I am fine. Well, let me say this....there are lasting effects, for days, of the pain and hurt that I felt on Wednesday. Days! My chest aches for days, my mind hurts, my heart hurts. It takes a while to recover. In fact...it is Saturday and I sit here and cry...with the after effects of what I felt that day.



Thursday night Isaac had his first baseball game. Hurt, hurt, hurt. Is all I can say. He told me he didn't know if he even wanted to play since daddy couldn't be there to watch. Broke my heart. I couldn't even say anything it hurt so much. You all know how involved he was in Isaac's athletics. But, he had, I guess an okay game. I just sat and cried a while when I watched him. Wondering what was going through that little mind of his as he stood in the field.



Then we celebrated (with friends) Rachel's birthday at Incredible Pizza. I actually did pretty good. There were moments when I felt the absence of John. But Rach seem to do pretty well. Praise God.



Hannah isn't playing golf this year. It kind of hurts us all. She will be the first of the Griffis' not to play. John coached Jonathon and each of the kids since. She will be the first, as this is the first year that John isn't coaching. We have hears several stories from several people about her reasons for not playing. One, is that she doesn't like golf. I have a hard time believing that. The other is that she wants to work on her running. Yet she didn't want to join track 7th hour (which is when golf is). Then I heard that it was because her daddy wasn't out there. That is more believable to me. My heart breaks for her. My heart breaks for Jonathon and Jay who took over the coaching job because so many kids had said said they wouldn't play if they didn't take it over ....one being Hannah. But, Hannah has changed....I can't figure her out.



But Coach Black talked to her and I talked to him and we decided if she wasn't playing golf then she needed to be doing something...and since she is going to do track and cross country in college that that would be her best choice. So that is what she is doing. But, yes, I am sad because, whatever she says, at one time, she did like golf.



Boy, I just never know how I will feel any given day. Today....I want to be with John....literally. I want to just give in. I wish I didn't have an option.



Tears are flowing easily today. I guess because I am counting down to the 10th day of March....the day I married my sweetheart. The one who I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. The one...who I can't stand to be without.



I was at a restaurant this morning...by myself....just watching people...missing him. There was an old couple sitting across from me.....I began to let the tears flow....as I remember John and I, so many times talked about growing old together. I thought...."that was to be us in 15-20 years." But I will never have that. Never be able to enjoy growing old with him.



I am going to bury myself under a blanket on March 10. I don't want to live through that day. I don't want to be here that day. I don't' want to. I want no memories. I just want to go away...i want it to go away.



Kids are doing okay.

Matthew is doing well at school. He still needs prayer for his golf. That the coach finds favor in him. Pray that God be with him in his school studies.



Hannah...well you know my prayer for her. That as she grieves she will find herself again. She needs help in school also.



Isaac needs help in school...especially in Pre-Algebra. Help him as he becomes accustomed to playing baseball without his daddy there.



Rachel. Praise God that she is doing well. She is happy most of the time. I can see that she does go into deep thoughts sometimes...I don't know what she is thinking,....I can only guess.



Pray for all of us to bond as a family. To accept each as they are. To love and encourage each other.



My prayer is that each of them have a deep yearning and longing to become more like Jesus. To be more of what He wants them to be.



Pray for the Bumpus family. I wish I could spare them what I have been through thus far...but I can't. I can only pray that God comfort them.



Pray for peace in our home. I am weary. I need help in the daily duties of the house. So, we are going to try and split up responsibilities. Pray that the kids would be accepting and accommodating to that idea. Pray as we talk to them



Thanks again for reading. Thanks for commenting. Please don't don't forget to pray for us.



Love you all,

Saundra

March 3, 2010...Wednesday

I am in the midst of a tidal wave....again.

Yesterday was horrible. I text Sallye and told her I was just done. I couldn't go on. I am tired, I am weak, I am exhausted. I cannot be a single mother. I am behind. I am losing control of them. I am disrespected. I am carrying it all....I can't do it anymore.

I felt unhappiness all day yesterday. Couldn't wait to get home and go to sleep so I wouldn't have to think. So, I could just fall alseep and let life pass. It didn't. I still had responsibilities with the kids. I just can't do it people! Now, the why comes....why did he think I could? How? How can I do this for years to come?

Then, today...one of my many dreaded days to come. But how to make it through it. Why kind of headstone? What to put on it that will honor his life? I am glad that Jay, Marilyn and Matthew are going with me as well. That gives me comfort. But not the comfort I want.

You know as I started devotions this morning....I started with: "Lord, you know the giant I face today". He does.....He in return gave me this scripture....Psalm 138: 3 When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted". He will make me like David, so I can face this giant of choosing a headstone.

No, it doesn't make it any easier. No, I still don't want to go. But the Lord has spoken. I am going to have to wait and trust in Him. I am sure David didn't want to go....but he believed in his God. He believed He would give him the help he needed. I am even sure that God help David pick just the right stones. God will help me too. I just want to say..."Lord, Help my unbelief!"

I have had to really rely and trust in him these last couple of days. I am so overwhelmed. I am being stretched so many ways.....Just want it to all go away.

I truly feel like I am losing my kids. When we enter the house we all go our own way: Matthew to his room, Hannah to her room, Rach to her room and Isaac to his. I sit here in the living room myself. We don't talk. We don't communicate.

I can't say no to any of them with out an angry outburst and it all ending with angry feelings toward each other...and the world.

I told Sallye, I feel more like their housekeeper, provider of their needs than their mom. I guess that is a mom...but I don't feel like that to them. I don't know if they blame me in some way for where we are...but I don't feel respect from them at all.

I just want them back. I just want a family. I want to know what is going on in their lives.

Pray for Matthew. He came home the other night totally disappointed and dejected about either his golf game or his team, or the coach. I still don't know what happened, (he won't talk about it). But he was so sad. I hadn't seen him that way for a long time. Pray for his game. Pray that the coach find favor in him. Pray that his spirit be lifted. And i am praying that God will use this circumstance to draw him to Him.

Be with Hannah. I want my sweet Hannah back. She is running from the pain. I truly believe that. She is never ever home...except to change and sleep. Pray that she will begin to see her ways through the eyes of her Father. Draw her to him.

Be with Isaac. Lord, take away the angry, ugly attitude he has. He is so hateful. So disobedient. I pray for his school grades. he isn't doing well in school. We need to pray for God to bring things to his mind especially when it comes to testing. But, the Lord is not pleased with his attitude I am sure of it.

Pray for Rachel. That she will be shielded from the anger and the pain that I am met through each of the kids in some way.

Pray for me today. Pray that God make me like David. Strong and stout and Loand brave.

Love to you all,
Saundra

Monday, March 1, 2010

All I can think about right now is 9 days and I would have been married to my sweetheart for 21 years. It is so true.....the agony of waiting and anticipating that day is worse than the day itself. I dread it. How ironic that 21 years ago I was anticipating this day with excitement...not dread. I love him so much. I was looking forward to many, many years to come.

Rachel's birthday was much better than I had anticipated. Of course. She had a good day. Course she was so excited about Saturday nights banquet that that was all she could think about. She had a great time at that.

I want to thank Jana Rothwell for opening her house to the girls so they could get ready together (like the big girls do). She loved it. And she talked about how Mr Rothwell, dropped them off at the door. Thanks you guys for making my daughter have a great time.

Well, this past weekend was better. Thank the Lord. Sunday School was hard. I couldn't look at Greg. It was more than I could bear. I know his pain. I know his pain. I can't think about it. I want to reach out, but I am afraid to reach out to him, that I will go backwards in my healing. I just can't. I pray for them and think of them often,,a lot. But I can't face them now. Its' just too close.

Matthew is doing great. He seems so much happier than he has in a long time. Might have something to do with the girl in his life. But really, the Lord has answered my prayer and touched his Heart. I cannot in any way measure his relationship to the Lord, but I do know that God is working in his Heart and that is all I need to know.

You can pray for him though. First, pray that whatever God makes of this new relationship, that it will be in God's control at all times.

Also, today when Matthew got home from golfing he was very upset...sad/angry. In fact, he stayed in his room most of the evening. When I asked him what was wrong he said he didn't want to talk about it. Then, he finally said it was his golf. I text him later (my only form of conversation at that point) and asked if it was his game or what. He said his game.

I went in just a moment ago finally and tried to talk to him about it, but he wouldn't talk. I don't know what it is. But you know as a mother you want to help him, I want to know how and what I can do. But he won't allow me to.

So, pray that whatever it is...that he will feel God's hand on him and in it. That he will see God at work. My heart goes out to him. I'm sure before he would talk to dad about it. But now...he shuts himself in...as if to protect himself. I really haven't seen him this down in a long, long, time. Please pray for him.

Isaac is doing better. He still has his stubbornness. But, I have learned that it is best to just be quiet and pass him onto someone else....Jeff or gramps. I just can't handle him. He talks circles around me.

He is excited about baseball. I am glad he is looking forward to it. I still feel for him, not having John around to say, "Hey daddy, wanna play catch?" John never said no. I know, and I feel, that his acting the way he is, is partly because he does not know how to deal with the loss of his buddy. His best friend. That is why it is so hard for me to get absolutely angry at him.

He is struggling in a few courses at school pray for him. He isn't really very disciplined in school. Or organized. I take part of the blame. I wanted him to be happy, so I tried to do everything for him...keep his schedule, help him with his work, DO his work. But, I have realized how I have really failed him by doing that. So, we are trying to help him to grow in this area. Pray that he learn these valuable lessons....in life as well.

Hannah....I just don't know what to think. I don't know if she keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to stop and face reality. Or, if she keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to be here. We hardly see her. She has even started dressing a little against my wishes. I haven't talked to her about it, but I am waiting for the right time.

Grief. That is all I can blame it on. Everyone in his/her own way. I think Hannah is dealing with it as best she can right now. But, pray for her relationship with the Lord. I want her to have a relationship with him so that she can work through this time.

Rach is doing great. On the way home from grams and gramps the other day after celebrating her birthday she seemed really down. So I asked her if something was bothering her. She said no. I asked her again and she still wouldn't answer me. But something tells me that she was wishing her dad was there to be with her.

He was such a good dad. Always there for the kids. Whatever they needed he made sure they had it. They knew they were first in their life. I hope they know that about me also. They come first. I live for them.

I pray that the Lord will become real in each of their lives. That they will let him into their lives and let Him guide them.

Pray for peace. Marilyn and I are planning to go to the headstone place Wednesday. I dread it. But I want to get it done. Some people have told me to wait. But I told Marilyn I just can't stand my husbands grave being bare and naked and just a lump of dirt. I want something there. No, I can't wait. But, at the same time, I am not looking forward to doing it. I asked Matthew if he wanted to help and he said he did. He helped pick out the casket....and I thought he acted so mature when he did it. I could tell, he was picking it out for his dad. He knew what his dad would want....I am sure he will do the same in this case.

I am doing pretty good though. I have my moments. Like when the kids are not arguing or upset about something. Sometimes, it just seems too much for me. Saturday I just about broke down. It just seemed like I had to be 10 places at one time. I was so overwhelmed. I find myself getting overwhelmed very easily. Pray for me.

The house is looking beautiful. A new beginning, a new home. That is the way I am looking at it. I am fixing dinners quite often now. Not exactly like I used to...because I loved cooking for John, having it ready for him, I loved it. Now, I find them to be mostly frozen meals, or quick meals. We still aren't eating at the table.

The bedroom is on the way to being ready. Rach is going to go with me, as well as Molly when I do move in there. That will probably be one of the harder things to do. But, God has been faithful. He won't fail me in that either.

My devotions have been fantastic. He has been teaching me so much. I usually can't wait to get to Sunday School because of Dave's lessons. They kind of go along with what I am learning from the Lord.

I am not asking why as desperately as I once did. Now, I am asking God, how I can make this circumstance work for Him. How I can become more like him in this place I find myself. When I start to dwell on the why....I turn to Him and ask, What? What do you want me to do with this? How can I become more like you in this circumstance? What can I learn? When I start to look for the answer to those questions, then the why question doesn't matter anymore.

I still want to thank all of you who are being faithful to my blog. I know I don't do as well as I once did. Trust me...I want to me here...but with 4 kids....basketball, dance practice, wed. church, etc...I hardly have time to breath. But, you are all on my mind, because I know you are my prayer warriors and you want to pray specifically for me. So I feel badly about not getting on her. But I try.

Just conti to pray for us. I have been praying that God will bind us together as a family. With Hannah gone all the time, and Matthew usually gone or in his room. It seems like we are two different families. I long for a tight family that will lean on and pray for each other, and support one another. Pray for that.

Well, I have a very early morning tomorrow, so I best be getting to bed. I love you all.

Saundra