Saturday, March 6, 2010

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I can so relate to David in the Psalms. His ups and downs. His cries for help. His cries for MERCY!!! His feelings of abandonment. But, like you said Jeff, just because God helped David kill the giant, didn't mean that he had an easy ride on the throne. I really could relate to that. Thank you for your comment Jeff. I really appreciated that.

Well, we got the rough draft made for the headstone. I thought thinking as I sat and cried through it..."Wow, this is the hardest thing I've had to do!" Then, I remembered why I was doing love was gone....there is nothing in this world could be hard than losing him. Nothing. It was hard....yes it was hard.

Thursday I still felt the effects of Wednesday. People think that I have a bad day, then the next day I am fine. Well, let me say this....there are lasting effects, for days, of the pain and hurt that I felt on Wednesday. Days! My chest aches for days, my mind hurts, my heart hurts. It takes a while to recover. In is Saturday and I sit here and cry...with the after effects of what I felt that day.

Thursday night Isaac had his first baseball game. Hurt, hurt, hurt. Is all I can say. He told me he didn't know if he even wanted to play since daddy couldn't be there to watch. Broke my heart. I couldn't even say anything it hurt so much. You all know how involved he was in Isaac's athletics. But, he had, I guess an okay game. I just sat and cried a while when I watched him. Wondering what was going through that little mind of his as he stood in the field.

Then we celebrated (with friends) Rachel's birthday at Incredible Pizza. I actually did pretty good. There were moments when I felt the absence of John. But Rach seem to do pretty well. Praise God.

Hannah isn't playing golf this year. It kind of hurts us all. She will be the first of the Griffis' not to play. John coached Jonathon and each of the kids since. She will be the first, as this is the first year that John isn't coaching. We have hears several stories from several people about her reasons for not playing. One, is that she doesn't like golf. I have a hard time believing that. The other is that she wants to work on her running. Yet she didn't want to join track 7th hour (which is when golf is). Then I heard that it was because her daddy wasn't out there. That is more believable to me. My heart breaks for her. My heart breaks for Jonathon and Jay who took over the coaching job because so many kids had said said they wouldn't play if they didn't take it over being Hannah. But, Hannah has changed....I can't figure her out.

But Coach Black talked to her and I talked to him and we decided if she wasn't playing golf then she needed to be doing something...and since she is going to do track and cross country in college that that would be her best choice. So that is what she is doing. But, yes, I am sad because, whatever she says, at one time, she did like golf.

Boy, I just never know how I will feel any given day. Today....I want to be with John....literally. I want to just give in. I wish I didn't have an option.

Tears are flowing easily today. I guess because I am counting down to the 10th day of March....the day I married my sweetheart. The one who I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. The one...who I can't stand to be without.

I was at a restaurant this myself....just watching people...missing him. There was an old couple sitting across from me.....I began to let the tears I remember John and I, so many times talked about growing old together. I thought...."that was to be us in 15-20 years." But I will never have that. Never be able to enjoy growing old with him.

I am going to bury myself under a blanket on March 10. I don't want to live through that day. I don't want to be here that day. I don't' want to. I want no memories. I just want to go away...i want it to go away.

Kids are doing okay.

Matthew is doing well at school. He still needs prayer for his golf. That the coach finds favor in him. Pray that God be with him in his school studies.

Hannah...well you know my prayer for her. That as she grieves she will find herself again. She needs help in school also.

Isaac needs help in school...especially in Pre-Algebra. Help him as he becomes accustomed to playing baseball without his daddy there.

Rachel. Praise God that she is doing well. She is happy most of the time. I can see that she does go into deep thoughts sometimes...I don't know what she is thinking,....I can only guess.

Pray for all of us to bond as a family. To accept each as they are. To love and encourage each other.

My prayer is that each of them have a deep yearning and longing to become more like Jesus. To be more of what He wants them to be.

Pray for the Bumpus family. I wish I could spare them what I have been through thus far...but I can't. I can only pray that God comfort them.

Pray for peace in our home. I am weary. I need help in the daily duties of the house. So, we are going to try and split up responsibilities. Pray that the kids would be accepting and accommodating to that idea. Pray as we talk to them

Thanks again for reading. Thanks for commenting. Please don't don't forget to pray for us.

Love you all,



missd said...

Hang in there, Saun. I can't compare to how someone else feels, I can't really imagine it...

I was married for 9 years, and he left me in the hospital right after I gave birth to my first baby. She was sick and I had to stay in the Neonatal unit with her (one parent had to stay in her room) and I didn't even go across the hall to get a drink from the fridge or a cup of ice. I made sure nobody switched her. And she was under the bilirubin light, so I had to put a mask on her and take it off every few hours to nurse her. Then cover her eyes up again with a strange contraption that is difficult to get wrapped all around a screaming and flailing baby. Poor thing was basically blind for the first week of her life...
But I know why he really left, the doctor had ordered chromosome tests and she had a hole in her heart and other lung issues since she was born 5 weeks early and my doctor was out of state. I truly didn't think I could do it alone. I understand that feeling, not even wanting to try. But, I kept my head on straight, didn't give in to the other things friends said they do when life gets them down, like drinking, etc. I prayed a lot.

Sadly, I was judged by a lot of Christians, and lost a lot of family over my situation. Just when you need someone, then they are all gone. But, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can see what he would do and understand they are human and forgive them. They are not Jesus Christ. He won't leave me, he won't blame me. And, btw, blame doesn't come from God, so when you feel blame and shame, that is not a Christian thing. Don't believe it.

Mostly, I pray that we all remember that God is in control, even when things are not turning out as we planned. I'm not sure all things happen for a reason, but I do know that His hand is on us and He is watching over us all.

I hope you sleep well. I hate to think of it, but I would have been married 20 years this 4th of July. That was the plan 22 years ago, and to have at least one more kid and grow old together. Now, I have to figure out how to let my plans change, change with them but in a good way somehow, even with all the so-called "Christian" judgement and blame and shame factor. And, one more thing I have to remember, well 2 things: This too shall pass, (I used to hate that when something was raw), and God won't give us more than we can handle (He will help us handle it, He gives us the strength to do what we can't do on our own). I heard that for years, and I hated hearing it. Now, I do say it to myself quite often and find I am agreeing with it.
Later, dawna:)
P.S. Still praying for ya'll.

Anonymous said...

Don't give up. Don't ever give up. Please, let me know if you need anything, ever. I know there's not much I can do, but it hurts seeing you in so much pain. I wish I could take it all away, but I can't. Lean on God, He will never let you fall. He's the only one that can really give you the help you need. Always here, always praying.
Love and Prayers.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you Saundra. You hang in there! Don't give up, your children are worth hanging in there for. Take one day at a time or one hour or even one minute if necessary, Let God take care of you, don't forget he will always answer his line is never busy. Remembering you today and this week.

Anonymous said...

We are still praying for you daily. You are not forgotten.
Sarah Hardesty

Anonymous said...

Saun (sb)

Keep strong! Hang in there!