My heart hears your sobs Ginger. I am there with you. How do I cope? By being honest with myself and others about my feelings. How do I cope? Sometimes I don't. It is only through God's Grace that I find the strength to go on. How do I cope? Sometimes I don't. Today was one of those days. It is days like these that I try to live in His presence, relying on Him to carry me, because I can't possibly carry myself, let alone my children. There are many, many days I doubt His existence, His power, Him. But then I look from where I have come and know deep inside my heart that I could not have made by any other way.
I read. I read the Bible like I have never read it before. I search it, listening, letting Him direct my thoughts so He can give me something to hold onto. And I hold onto Him. And, I study, and memorize. And I look back to the very first scripture He gave me...rather the first words I heard Him say to me...."I will sustain you". That's all I had. But at that time that was all I needed. That was His promise to me for that time.
You ask yourself why over and over again. Then, like me you finally realize that you will never have the answer here on this earth. That He is the only one that knows. So, you tell Him, "Okay, then show me what you want me to do out of this?" And you find yourself becoming more like Him. And just the time you think..."Okay, I'm making it." Something will hit you like you have never been hit before.....and you don't think you will ever make it....and it begins again....but this time....you are a little bit stronger....because you have been in His word, you have been in His presence, you have communed with Him. And you don't understand....but He quiets you.
Ginger, I don't have the words. I don't have an explanation. All I can tell you is what I did. And that was get into the word. And trust...trust those around you. Lean on them....I believe God sends them to us in these times. Look for Him in EVERYTHING. He is there....
I am still too close to the fire to come and be with you. I think I would just sit and cry and make it so much worse for you. But, know that I know. Know that I care. Know that I pray. You are in my heart. I feel your pain.
To my friends, today was a very hard day. I don't know if I told you that Hannah finally told me that she doesn't want to be around us or the house because it reminds her too much of daddy.
Well, today she had a track meet in Hinton. Her first of the year. I had been texting her throughout the morning asking her how it was going. Just talking with her to know let her know someone was thinking of her. I was getting my lunch ready at school and I got a text from her. It said, "I can't run without Daddy here." I broke down. I couldn't eat. I called her and tried to talk with her. Encourage her. She sounded so discouraged. So down. So sad. I tried to get through it. I kept saying that she would be alright. But I couldn't convince myself. I text Matthew to see if he could and he couldn't. So, I just made a decision...I was going. I explained it to Mr Broughton...who is the most understanding person I know...and he said that was fine and he let me leave.
I drove as fast as I could. Got there in 45 min. I missed her run the first one....she came in 2nd....but watched her run the second one...came in 2nd then also. I don't know if it made a difference that I was there. I sure hope so. I may never know. But, I did what I felt I should do as her mother at this time. Then hurried home because Isaac and Rach were home by themselves. Which I never like to do right after school. I always prided myself that my children never came home to an empty house. But they were alone.
Then, came home, ran to Academy to get some things for Rach as she starts softball tonight. Grabbed food from Subway, brought it home and then was off to her game by 7:15. I can't be mom and dad. I can't be both. I am only one person. How do i do it?
Pray for me.
Pray for Hannah, she is opening up more and more. Give me wisdom as to what to say to her. Help me help her.
O God, help me. Fill this hole. I miss him so much. I just keeping saying I cant believe he is gone. He is gone. He is gone. I want to be gone. I want to be with him. O God, my God. Help me. I am distraught and in anguish. You promised your presence, you promised to hide me under your wings, you promised to carry me close to your heart...promises Father. Show me they are true. I am waiting for you.
It is days like these, my friends, my prayer warriors, that I think I can't go on. I am soooo tired. Tired. I can't do this alone.