I am in the midst of a tidal wave....again.
Yesterday was horrible. I text Sallye and told her I was just done. I couldn't go on. I am tired, I am weak, I am exhausted. I cannot be a single mother. I am behind. I am losing control of them. I am disrespected. I am carrying it all....I can't do it anymore.
I felt unhappiness all day yesterday. Couldn't wait to get home and go to sleep so I wouldn't have to think. So, I could just fall alseep and let life pass. It didn't. I still had responsibilities with the kids. I just can't do it people! Now, the why comes....why did he think I could? How? How can I do this for years to come?
Then, today...one of my many dreaded days to come. But how to make it through it. Why kind of headstone? What to put on it that will honor his life? I am glad that Jay, Marilyn and Matthew are going with me as well. That gives me comfort. But not the comfort I want.
You know as I started devotions this morning....I started with: "Lord, you know the giant I face today". He does.....He in return gave me this scripture....Psalm 138: 3 When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted". He will make me like David, so I can face this giant of choosing a headstone.
No, it doesn't make it any easier. No, I still don't want to go. But the Lord has spoken. I am going to have to wait and trust in Him. I am sure David didn't want to go....but he believed in his God. He believed He would give him the help he needed. I am even sure that God help David pick just the right stones. God will help me too. I just want to say..."Lord, Help my unbelief!"
I have had to really rely and trust in him these last couple of days. I am so overwhelmed. I am being stretched so many ways.....Just want it to all go away.
I truly feel like I am losing my kids. When we enter the house we all go our own way: Matthew to his room, Hannah to her room, Rach to her room and Isaac to his. I sit here in the living room myself. We don't talk. We don't communicate.
I can't say no to any of them with out an angry outburst and it all ending with angry feelings toward each other...and the world.
I told Sallye, I feel more like their housekeeper, provider of their needs than their mom. I guess that is a mom...but I don't feel like that to them. I don't know if they blame me in some way for where we are...but I don't feel respect from them at all.
I just want them back. I just want a family. I want to know what is going on in their lives.
Pray for Matthew. He came home the other night totally disappointed and dejected about either his golf game or his team, or the coach. I still don't know what happened, (he won't talk about it). But he was so sad. I hadn't seen him that way for a long time. Pray for his game. Pray that the coach find favor in him. Pray that his spirit be lifted. And i am praying that God will use this circumstance to draw him to Him.
Be with Hannah. I want my sweet Hannah back. She is running from the pain. I truly believe that. She is never ever home...except to change and sleep. Pray that she will begin to see her ways through the eyes of her Father. Draw her to him.
Be with Isaac. Lord, take away the angry, ugly attitude he has. He is so hateful. So disobedient. I pray for his school grades. he isn't doing well in school. We need to pray for God to bring things to his mind especially when it comes to testing. But, the Lord is not pleased with his attitude I am sure of it.
Pray for Rachel. That she will be shielded from the anger and the pain that I am met through each of the kids in some way.
Pray for me today. Pray that God make me like David. Strong and stout and Loand brave.
Love to you all,