Wednesday, March 3, 2010

March 3, 2010...Wednesday

I am in the midst of a tidal wave....again.

Yesterday was horrible. I text Sallye and told her I was just done. I couldn't go on. I am tired, I am weak, I am exhausted. I cannot be a single mother. I am behind. I am losing control of them. I am disrespected. I am carrying it all....I can't do it anymore.

I felt unhappiness all day yesterday. Couldn't wait to get home and go to sleep so I wouldn't have to think. So, I could just fall alseep and let life pass. It didn't. I still had responsibilities with the kids. I just can't do it people! Now, the why comes....why did he think I could? How? How can I do this for years to come?

Then, of my many dreaded days to come. But how to make it through it. Why kind of headstone? What to put on it that will honor his life? I am glad that Jay, Marilyn and Matthew are going with me as well. That gives me comfort. But not the comfort I want.

You know as I started devotions this morning....I started with: "Lord, you know the giant I face today". He does.....He in return gave me this scripture....Psalm 138: 3 When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted". He will make me like David, so I can face this giant of choosing a headstone.

No, it doesn't make it any easier. No, I still don't want to go. But the Lord has spoken. I am going to have to wait and trust in Him. I am sure David didn't want to go....but he believed in his God. He believed He would give him the help he needed. I am even sure that God help David pick just the right stones. God will help me too. I just want to say..."Lord, Help my unbelief!"

I have had to really rely and trust in him these last couple of days. I am so overwhelmed. I am being stretched so many ways.....Just want it to all go away.

I truly feel like I am losing my kids. When we enter the house we all go our own way: Matthew to his room, Hannah to her room, Rach to her room and Isaac to his. I sit here in the living room myself. We don't talk. We don't communicate.

I can't say no to any of them with out an angry outburst and it all ending with angry feelings toward each other...and the world.

I told Sallye, I feel more like their housekeeper, provider of their needs than their mom. I guess that is a mom...but I don't feel like that to them. I don't know if they blame me in some way for where we are...but I don't feel respect from them at all.

I just want them back. I just want a family. I want to know what is going on in their lives.

Pray for Matthew. He came home the other night totally disappointed and dejected about either his golf game or his team, or the coach. I still don't know what happened, (he won't talk about it). But he was so sad. I hadn't seen him that way for a long time. Pray for his game. Pray that the coach find favor in him. Pray that his spirit be lifted. And i am praying that God will use this circumstance to draw him to Him.

Be with Hannah. I want my sweet Hannah back. She is running from the pain. I truly believe that. She is never ever home...except to change and sleep. Pray that she will begin to see her ways through the eyes of her Father. Draw her to him.

Be with Isaac. Lord, take away the angry, ugly attitude he has. He is so hateful. So disobedient. I pray for his school grades. he isn't doing well in school. We need to pray for God to bring things to his mind especially when it comes to testing. But, the Lord is not pleased with his attitude I am sure of it.

Pray for Rachel. That she will be shielded from the anger and the pain that I am met through each of the kids in some way.

Pray for me today. Pray that God make me like David. Strong and stout and Loand brave.

Love to you all,


Anonymous said...

Saun (sb)

Hope all went well for you today.

Jenna said...

don't be discouraged. you can do it! YOU HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE BACKING YOU & SO WILLING TO HELP WITH ANYTHING! i can't imagine how rough all of this is for you & i can't imagine how it feels to be a single mom.. but i know that you are a great one! you can tell. so just don't throw in the towel. sit your kids down & say "hey! wake up.. we're still a family & we're going to act like it." tell them how you're feeling.. ask them how they're feeling. it's so much better to have it all out in the open! you can do it saundra!

Anonymous said...


I continue to pray. I will step it up tonight.


Anonymous said...

Being a single mom with 4 kids is not easy...i've been there with 4 raising them alone. You aren't losing them. I promise you that. You just have to keep giving them to God each day. They love you even when you don't feel it. Don't give up even though you feel like it. Remember the puzzles! You are loved and are doing a good job. I can't understand your pain totally, but I can understand the single mom thing. You are loved and I am praying for you and all you are going through. Bless you Saundra

Anonymous said...

You have been in my thoughts today, hopw your day went well. Pat

Anonymous said...

You said that you believe that God picked Davids rocks, and I too believe that, however, David still had to face thwe giants in his life literally. But what did God do? He guided him along the way, I also believe that God directed the path of the rock that took out Goliath. But was Davids path a bed of Roses afterward? No, not at all, however, through triumphs, lost battles, and even outright disobediance, David knew where to turn, and that was to the one who could guide him on his path. Sometimes our path seems to be upon a rocky thorn infested trail, but God can guide us through it. I know you want the kids to be as before, but all of you have went through a life change, my prayer is that God again will use these times to reveal himself to them, and that they will draw upon the strength that adversity has given them when it is needed. It may not be right now, it may be someday when they are on thier own and needing his guidance, I feel very strogly that they will know where to turn. Don't take this all on your shoulders. God is strengthening each and every one of you, but for different reasons. You are a good mom I can see it, but as even as David lamented in the Psalms, he always came back to the fact that God is sovereign an will never leave us nor forsake us. Keep gaining strength, draw upon his mercy and lean NOT unto your own understanding, but look unto the Lord from where we get our help. Godbless, Jeff-Enid

Anonymous said...

Continue to follow your heart. Maybe you should start out with a couple nights a week where you have family time. It doesn't have to be a talking thing, just something where you're all together. Then you can become more comfortable together so your communication with each other can come slowly.
Love and Prayers.