Monday, March 1, 2010

All I can think about right now is 9 days and I would have been married to my sweetheart for 21 years. It is so true.....the agony of waiting and anticipating that day is worse than the day itself. I dread it. How ironic that 21 years ago I was anticipating this day with excitement...not dread. I love him so much. I was looking forward to many, many years to come.

Rachel's birthday was much better than I had anticipated. Of course. She had a good day. Course she was so excited about Saturday nights banquet that that was all she could think about. She had a great time at that.

I want to thank Jana Rothwell for opening her house to the girls so they could get ready together (like the big girls do). She loved it. And she talked about how Mr Rothwell, dropped them off at the door. Thanks you guys for making my daughter have a great time.

Well, this past weekend was better. Thank the Lord. Sunday School was hard. I couldn't look at Greg. It was more than I could bear. I know his pain. I know his pain. I can't think about it. I want to reach out, but I am afraid to reach out to him, that I will go backwards in my healing. I just can't. I pray for them and think of them often,,a lot. But I can't face them now. Its' just too close.

Matthew is doing great. He seems so much happier than he has in a long time. Might have something to do with the girl in his life. But really, the Lord has answered my prayer and touched his Heart. I cannot in any way measure his relationship to the Lord, but I do know that God is working in his Heart and that is all I need to know.

You can pray for him though. First, pray that whatever God makes of this new relationship, that it will be in God's control at all times.

Also, today when Matthew got home from golfing he was very upset...sad/angry. In fact, he stayed in his room most of the evening. When I asked him what was wrong he said he didn't want to talk about it. Then, he finally said it was his golf. I text him later (my only form of conversation at that point) and asked if it was his game or what. He said his game.

I went in just a moment ago finally and tried to talk to him about it, but he wouldn't talk. I don't know what it is. But you know as a mother you want to help him, I want to know how and what I can do. But he won't allow me to.

So, pray that whatever it is...that he will feel God's hand on him and in it. That he will see God at work. My heart goes out to him. I'm sure before he would talk to dad about it. But now...he shuts himself in...as if to protect himself. I really haven't seen him this down in a long, long, time. Please pray for him.

Isaac is doing better. He still has his stubbornness. But, I have learned that it is best to just be quiet and pass him onto someone else....Jeff or gramps. I just can't handle him. He talks circles around me.

He is excited about baseball. I am glad he is looking forward to it. I still feel for him, not having John around to say, "Hey daddy, wanna play catch?" John never said no. I know, and I feel, that his acting the way he is, is partly because he does not know how to deal with the loss of his buddy. His best friend. That is why it is so hard for me to get absolutely angry at him.

He is struggling in a few courses at school pray for him. He isn't really very disciplined in school. Or organized. I take part of the blame. I wanted him to be happy, so I tried to do everything for him...keep his schedule, help him with his work, DO his work. But, I have realized how I have really failed him by doing that. So, we are trying to help him to grow in this area. Pray that he learn these valuable lessons....in life as well.

Hannah....I just don't know what to think. I don't know if she keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to stop and face reality. Or, if she keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to be here. We hardly see her. She has even started dressing a little against my wishes. I haven't talked to her about it, but I am waiting for the right time.

Grief. That is all I can blame it on. Everyone in his/her own way. I think Hannah is dealing with it as best she can right now. But, pray for her relationship with the Lord. I want her to have a relationship with him so that she can work through this time.

Rach is doing great. On the way home from grams and gramps the other day after celebrating her birthday she seemed really down. So I asked her if something was bothering her. She said no. I asked her again and she still wouldn't answer me. But something tells me that she was wishing her dad was there to be with her.

He was such a good dad. Always there for the kids. Whatever they needed he made sure they had it. They knew they were first in their life. I hope they know that about me also. They come first. I live for them.

I pray that the Lord will become real in each of their lives. That they will let him into their lives and let Him guide them.

Pray for peace. Marilyn and I are planning to go to the headstone place Wednesday. I dread it. But I want to get it done. Some people have told me to wait. But I told Marilyn I just can't stand my husbands grave being bare and naked and just a lump of dirt. I want something there. No, I can't wait. But, at the same time, I am not looking forward to doing it. I asked Matthew if he wanted to help and he said he did. He helped pick out the casket....and I thought he acted so mature when he did it. I could tell, he was picking it out for his dad. He knew what his dad would want....I am sure he will do the same in this case.

I am doing pretty good though. I have my moments. Like when the kids are not arguing or upset about something. Sometimes, it just seems too much for me. Saturday I just about broke down. It just seemed like I had to be 10 places at one time. I was so overwhelmed. I find myself getting overwhelmed very easily. Pray for me.

The house is looking beautiful. A new beginning, a new home. That is the way I am looking at it. I am fixing dinners quite often now. Not exactly like I used to...because I loved cooking for John, having it ready for him, I loved it. Now, I find them to be mostly frozen meals, or quick meals. We still aren't eating at the table.

The bedroom is on the way to being ready. Rach is going to go with me, as well as Molly when I do move in there. That will probably be one of the harder things to do. But, God has been faithful. He won't fail me in that either.

My devotions have been fantastic. He has been teaching me so much. I usually can't wait to get to Sunday School because of Dave's lessons. They kind of go along with what I am learning from the Lord.

I am not asking why as desperately as I once did. Now, I am asking God, how I can make this circumstance work for Him. How I can become more like him in this place I find myself. When I start to dwell on the why....I turn to Him and ask, What? What do you want me to do with this? How can I become more like you in this circumstance? What can I learn? When I start to look for the answer to those questions, then the why question doesn't matter anymore.

I still want to thank all of you who are being faithful to my blog. I know I don't do as well as I once did. Trust me...I want to me here...but with 4 kids....basketball, dance practice, wed. church, etc...I hardly have time to breath. But, you are all on my mind, because I know you are my prayer warriors and you want to pray specifically for me. So I feel badly about not getting on her. But I try.

Just conti to pray for us. I have been praying that God will bind us together as a family. With Hannah gone all the time, and Matthew usually gone or in his room. It seems like we are two different families. I long for a tight family that will lean on and pray for each other, and support one another. Pray for that.

Well, I have a very early morning tomorrow, so I best be getting to bed. I love you all.

Saundra