Friday March 12, 2010 pm

Well, all I keep saying is "It's the 12th, I made it through the 10th". That is just how I feel. Whew is really how I feel. It was a very hard day for me. Tears came very easily for me. It was a good thing I didn't go to school. It would have been a disaster. Sallye came and we went to return a few things to TJ Maxx and shop a little. Then I came home and slept the rest of the day away. But my heart ached all day. Until you have been there, you will never know what an aching heart feels like. It is unbelievable. I never knew you could feel, really have a broken heart. Now I know and wish it on no one.

It was hard even Thursday. It is unbelievable the stress, the energy that grieving takes on your body. I was still feeling exhausted and completely mentally exhausted. It just takes a while to come back.

Isaac had a game Thursday night at OCS (baseball). Usually Jay would go with me, but he was with the golf team so I was going by myself. It was awful. All the way there all I could think about was that if only John was here we would be going together and I wouldn't be alone. I called Matthew, he was also at the golf course, but he was going to come from Rose Creek and meet me there so I wouldn't have to drive home by myself. I could follow him.

Half way through the game I found out that he had went on home. It was so lonely sitting in my chair with my blanket like I did game after game.....but I didn't have John next to me....to just laugh and talk with. Then, when Isaac struck out for the 2nd time, as he came back he looked at me with tears in his eyes. I knew what he was thinking....(I need daddy). But I wouldn't know it until later when he told me that he didn't know if he wanted to play again because he needed help and Daddy was always the one that told him what he was doing wrong so he could fix it. He said he has no one to help him. It just breaks my heart. I can't hardly deal with his hurt.

He and I got into a little spat this morning. Nothing big. But he later told gramps that part of it was because he missed daddy and it is just so different. He wasn't saying it as an excuse....I believe him...he just doesn't know what to do.

He had a game tonight. Ended up the other team didn't come. So, I thought it was a good time for him to work on his hitting. I had also talked to Coach Hawk and he said that he would work with him. So, I think he really had fun tonight. He seemed really happy afterwards.

I don't know...I was thinking at the game that I am just tired of being the ONE. The ONE to have to do everything. I don't mean in things like cleaning the house etc...but just being in charge. I have something on my mind constantly...that I have to do either for me, for the kids, for us...something. My mind never gets a break. Sometimes I just want to fall to ground and give in...to what I don't know.

I was so sorry to hear about Ken Stewart. He was a great friend of Jay's so I feel for Jay. It's just so much for him.But, I feel for the family. My heart goes out to them. I pray that God will comfort them as He did for me.

Our family just feels like there is sadness all around us. Now that our baby Emma is sick again and in the hospital sometimes it feels like we just cannot take anymore. It just wears on us. Especially Jonathon and Jessica and Dawn. They are at the hospital pretty much 24 hours a day.

But, we are all so weary. Weary from all the sadness around us, affecting us. Weary from tears. Weary from praying. I am weary from trying to be sure my kids are alright....in every way. Making sure they are happy. Just weary. Even last night I told Marilyn..I just had to cry...and cry I did.

I did take the cat in. Got another shot. I just couldn't put her down because of Isaac. I don't think he would handle it well. I will just see what happens.

Lucky Hannah, she gets to go to Vegas next week with Wendy and Ali Greer, they offered to take her and pay her way. How could I say no. I am hoping to take the kids somewhere next week. I think it would be best for our health...mental and emotionally, to get away together. I called almost every state park and they are booked. But I remembered that somebody came a few weeks after everything and told me that they had a vacation home, like a cabin or something and said that anytime we wanted to get away, we could use it. But, I can't remember who it was.

If I don't remember, we will just stay here...golf, bowl....whatever we can come up with. I just want it to be special for them. To take their mind off of things...let alone mine.

The kids are doing well. Pray for all of us.

I am not looking forward to the weekend again. Saying goodbye to Hannah will be very hard. Pray for her safety.

I will try to get back on this week sometime. Thanks for reading and commenting. I love you all.

Love,
Saundra