March 10, 2010 Wednesday

Happy Anniversary Darling. How I miss you. You were my everything. I was just thinking the other day, how this past summer I kept telling you how I couldn't live without you. Never realizing for a minute that it would come true.

But here it is...our day....and you aren't here. I was remembering during the night how we would see who could wake the other up first with the wishes of a Happy Anniversary. You always won because you woke a lot in the night. You would lean over as I slept and whisper in my ear, "Happy Anniversary....I love you...and I won!" We would laugh and each go back to sleep.

Then as you would be taking a shower that morning....I would sneak in and use the brightest lipstick I could find and write in big letters, "Happy Anniversary! I would do it all over again and again!"

All Day long we would text each other all day with little love messages, then, whether I was working at the school or not, you would walk in at the end of the day with a bouquet of yellow daisies(my favorite). Then you would have planned a night out with just each other.

Because of the rough time in our marriage last Anniversary you took me to Eureka Springs for almost a week,, just to work on us. I remember, you said, it was like a new beginning for us. That we would do this every Anniversary...just to be together...alone.

I wasn't always the best and perfect wife. But Honey, you were always the perfect husband. Oh, how I wish you were here....just to hold me.

This morning in my devotions I had to apologize to the Lord for asking "Why" again. I had actually come to the point (or so I thought) that when the question "Why" would come up, I would think, or Rather ask the Father, "Not why Lord, but How do you want to use this for your glory. What do you want me to do with this so I can become more like you?" I know this isn't for naught. So, let the Lord use it to better me.

The pain today is so unbearable. So unbearable. I said it before...I wish I could take a bunch of medication to put myself to sleep and wake in the morning...and the 10th would be gone. But, I know that isn't an option. I am home from school. I just couldn't stand the thought of being there on our day...without him.

I remember bringing his lunch to him and celebrating at lunch. Or he would text me and tell me to come up there ,,.,,he just wanted to see me.

I plan to keep myself busy today. Cat to the vet....doing something with Sallye...bless her Lord.

The kids are doing good.

Matthew got a stinking ticket yesterday coming from golf. Only 5 mph over so it shouldn't be much. But it just seem to top everything off.

But he is doing so well. He text me out of the blue yesterday "Momma, I love you." He didn't know how I needed that, at that very moment. He is so fun to be around now. He actually has conversations with me. Not one word replies. He wants to help me...I know it.

He and Jennie are doing great. I love her. I still know John is looking down and laughing at the arrangement. But I feel so safe with them. Before I was cautious and leery about his relationships. But this one is safe. She is leading him deeper and deeper into a relationship with the Lord and I don't know that he realizes the impact she is having on his life.

Pray for his school work. That he will have wisdom. Also, OWU is saying now that they never recieved some of his work that he has proof that he sent to them via email. So pray that that works out. Pray for his golf game. That it will continue to improve with every game. And that the coach will see something in his game worthy of praise.

I still worry about Hannah. I know she is growing out of her clothes and they are too small. But she still argues that they are okay. But I can't have her dressing that way. I don't approve and I know John would not approve. So pray for me as I handle this with a loving spirit. And pray that she will have a willing spirit.
She has changed in so many ways I get boggled trying to pick them out. Pray for her.

Isaac has his good and bad days. My prayer has been that he will begin to see himself as God sees him. That his heart will make a change....that he will lose his temper. That he will be more amicable when asked to do things. That he will be more respectful towards me.

Rach is doing well. It amazes me that she is doing so well. She seems well, so I pray that she isn't holding anything in. Pray that God will use her young and tender heart to do his will.

Pray for our Emma. I can't explain all that is happening to her, I am not a doctor. But she is back in the hospital with some complications. Pray for her. Our family cannot handle anymore grief.

Pray for the Nimmo family and don't forget the Bumpus family. I am not half way down the road....and it is still so painful, they have only begun.....pray for them.

And I know this sounds so silly, but our cat (of 5 years) has some kind of allergy. It is pretty sad what it is doing to her. For a while taking her to the vet every 4-5 months kept the symptoms at bay. But lately it has been every month...$25 a shot. The only other option is a big $800 or so dollar test. That is definitely not in the picture. I was thinking about having her put down but when I mentioned it to Isaac he cried and said :"No mommy, she is my cat. I love her!" So, please pray for God to direct me. I can't have him hurting so much after hurting so much before. Just pray for direction to me from God. I am taking her in for another shot today until I can decide what to do.

Thank you again for reading, commenting and your prayers. I really do love you all.

Saundra